TITLE: Conceivable
AUTHOR: Elsie
E-MAIL: elsiel@telusplanet.net
RATING: G
CATEGORY: V
DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere
SPOILERS: William
SUMMARY: William's adoptive mother reflects on how motherhood 
has changed her.
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: Thanks to Nadia for beta reading.
DISCLAIMER: These characters are not mine.  No infringement is 
intended.


"Goodnight, William," I whisper before walking to the door.  I 
turn to look at the sleeping baby in his crib once more before 
turning out the light.  William's the best thing that ever 
happened to me.  I never knew how much love I had to give until 
he came into our lives. 

His parents will be here tomorrow afternoon to pick him up.  I 
don't want to think about it just yet.  I am hoping that by the 
time I realize that I'm just postponing the imminent, I'll know 
that he'll be happy back at home; maybe it will hurt less then.   

On my way to Pete's room to wake him for his shift, I change my 
mind and head to the kitchen instead.  Maybe a warm drink will 
help my mind relax enough for sleep.  I've been thinking too 
much lately.  I fix myself a mug of hot chocolate and sit at the 
table, trying to concentrate on the sound of the dog snoring by 
the front door, but my thoughts return to how things have 
changed in the past several weeks.

This isn't the first time Pete and I have gone undercover as 
husband and wife, but it is the first time we have had to be 
parents.  When we drew this assignment, I was a little more than 
apprehensive.  Having spent most of his childhood on a farm, 
Pete welcomed the familiar lifestyle; how I wished some of his 
laid-back attitude to everything would rub off on me!  Being a 
city-girl, I couldn't fathom having to become Mrs. Van Der Kamp, 
farm wife.  What the hell was I going to do all day?

I don't know what I expected, but it certainly wasn't this 
house.  I suppose I had a stereotypical view of old farmhouses, 
so I was happy to discover that this particular house was not 
old, thrilled that we had running water, and ecstatic that we 
had a dishwasher.  Pete was just glad he didn't need to find a 
dog-sitter this time.

Pete and I have been friends for a long time, and he knew how 
nervous I was about the baby.  I probably complained to him 
about everything from knowing how to hold a baby correctly to 
how we would divide up diaper duty.  His "we'll be fine"s and 
"it'll work out"s, coupled with his calm demeanor really helped 
ease my worries.

I spent the morning of William's arrival cleaning.  It was the 
only way I could keep my mind off the next indeterminate number 
of days.  Pete was working on a project he had started the night 
before, whittling away on the couch; he wouldn't tell me what it 
was, but I was just pleased to learn about my partner's hobby.  
I had never known him to have any hobbies that didn't involve 
trucks or fish.

When Pete made a comment about my cleaning, I decided that was a 
good time as any to get into my role better.  Gwen would worry 
about why a healthy baby was suddenly being given up, wouldn't 
she?  My inquiry prompted him to abandon his painting, settling 
into undercover mode easily.  I was surprised when Pete kissed 
me, but not shocked.  It felt familiar and comfortable, 
reassuring.  I didn't let myself think too much about it.  
What's a kiss between two friends?  It helped get my mind off 
the assignment.

I didn't have to pretend to be happy when the women from the 
adoption agency arrived.  I was relieved that the baby had 
arrived safely and that I'd now have something to do.  The time 
for sitting around and worrying was over; it was time to act.  
Expressing my soon-to-be-mother worries wasn't as hard as I'd 
originally thought; I was panicking inside, wondering whether 
Pete and I would able to pull off this parenting gig.  But when 
William was put into my arms and he didn't cry immediately, like 
I'd expected, I was able to breathe normally again.

Pete and I weren't told the specifics; it's less dangerous this 
way. All we know is that our orders are to keep William from 
harm until it is safe enough for him to go home.  We both have 
our suspicions about who his parents might be and why he might 
be in danger, but we know better than to voice them.

I never thought much about being a mother.  Motherhood wasn't 
inconceivable to me; I figured it just wasn't in my cards.  I 
never realized how satisfying it could be until William.  Now I 
wonder if I've missed my chance.  If I hadn't been so focused on 
my career, if I hadn't broken my engagement to Richard, if Pete 
and I hadn't decided to just stay friends...

I'm tired of all the ifs in my life.  Two days ago, when I 
walked in on Pete giving the baby a bath, I let myself imagine 
for a minute or two.  I wished that they were really my family, 
that Pete was more than an ex with whom I had stayed good enough 
friends with to work with, and that William was ours, not 
somebody else's.  I escaped to my bedroom and cried for all I 
couldn't have, damning my fears of commitment and change.  

"Hey, is everything alright?" I scrambled to appear presentable 
at Pete's casual inquiry, avoiding turning to the door to face 
him.  I only nodded, afraid of what my voice might give away.

I felt his weight on the bed before his hand touched my 
shoulder.  "I feel the same way," he said.  "I didn't want to 
love him too much, knowing we'd have to give him up..."

A fresh torrent of tears streamed down my face at his words.  
Pete's arms came around me from behind.  I clasped my own hands 
around his forearms.  "I don't want to let him go," I admitted 
in between sobs. 

"But we will because we know he's not ours to have.  We love him 
enough to let him go when the time comes.  Don't be afraid of 
it.  You have a lot of love to give."

Pete and I spent that night in the same bed, but we haven't 
talked about it since.  The phone call this evening from our 
boss signaled an end to this assignment and William's reunion 
with his parents.  We both pretended we were relieved that we'd 
get to go home soon, but it was hard to act like the family 
we've become.  I'd be holding the baby, wondering when tomorrow 
I'd hold him for the last time, wondering when it'll be my turn, 
for real, to hold my own child in my arms.  I think my mind 
tired eventually, because I couldn't continue to contemplate 
every second until tomorrow changed it all.  It was nice to let 
denial set in.

Tonight, I've decided that I'm not going to regret the past, but 
start acting for the future.  I'm finally ready to admit that I 
might've been hasty when I plotted out my path a few years back.  

I am rinsing my mug at the sink when footsteps behind me alert 
me to his presence.  I turn around to see Pete in his pajamas, 
scratching his belly.  "Can't sleep?" I ask.

"No, I just woke up suddenly and realized it was my night to 
watch William.  I forgot to set my alarm.  I'm sorry you had to 
do double duty.  You should've gotten me up--"

I interrupt him by walking across the kitchen and kissing him 
lightly on the lips.  "Thank-you," I say, "for being such a good 
friend."

From the smile on his face, I can tell that Pete is pleasantly 
surprised.  "You're welcome," he replies, touching his fingers 
to his lips.

"Since you're up anyway, can we talk?" I ask, fighting to keep 
things casual.  

There's a slight hesitation before Pete senses that I won't be 
saying anything he doesn't want to hear, and then he pulls out a 
chair from the table for me.  "You got it," he says, his 
familiar, sincere smile reassuring me.

I sit down, ready for the conversation that will begin a new 
chapter for me.

THE END

AUTHOR'S NOTES: I wrote this to make myself feel better after 
watching "William."  It's just wishing thinking, but I'd like to 
pretend.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed for a better 
explanation on the finale!
"Gwen Van Der Kamp" is my guesstimate; anyone hear something 
different?

Thanks for reading!  Comments are welcome at 
elsiel@telusplanet.net