To the Tune of "Someone to Watch Over Me," with apologies to the Gershwins

There's a Sentinel I'm longing to see
on the TV
from the Powers That Be
Why won't they listen to me?

Blair and Ellison belong in the sack
Jim can attack
Blair on his back
Why won't they listen to me?

Although the h/c scenes are really
Big on touchie-feelie
For my heart, it's so plain to see...

While we'll never see our guys in the buff
I know it's rough
But it might be enough
To see them hug on TV!

Why won't they listen to me?

* * * * *

To the tune of "I Enjoy Being A Girl" with apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein

When Ellison's in a Zone-Out
And he's slack-jawed and empty-eyed
Or needs me to pull his phone out
I Enjoy Being a Guide!

When psychopaths try to drug me
Or I've OD'd and nearly died
As long as Jim's there to hug me
I Enjoy Being a Guide!

I cringe when I see a set of handcuffs
I talk to spiders crawling toward my head
I know I've this talent to withstand stuff
But I could've gone to Borneo instead!

Antennas may fall atop me
But I can't stay away from him
Guns, knives and bombs won't stop me
I Enjoy Being A Guide
Guiding a guy
Like
Jim!

* * * * *

To the tune of "I Got Rhythm", with even bigger apologies to the Gershwins

I've got these senses
They're right off the scale
Saw the doc, to no avail

Then met this kid,
With these eyes and this hair
Witch-doctor punk
Name of Blair

He's been with me all the time
Never leaves my side
Heaven help me, I think I'm
Falling for my Guide

I Got Hearing
I got Eyesight
I got my Guide
Who could ask for anything more?

Stopping Nazis
Shooting psychos
Dodging redheads
Who could ask for anything more?

Though my jaw's sore
Though my hair's thin
Long as Blair's in
Sight, I've got no worries at all!

So I'm happy
With my new life
Since my Ex-wife's
In LA I don't have to hide

That I fell in love with my Guide.

* * * * *

To the tune of "I Could Have Danced All Night" with apologies to Lerner and Loewe

I could have sensed all night
I could have sensed all night
And still have sensed some more

With no regrets or cares
We did it on the stairs,
The couch, the bed, and floor

Then in the shower
For half an hour
We cuddled
Then back to bed,
And doused the light

And now I'm holding him
{You are so lucky, Jim!}
I could have sensed, sensed, sensed
All night!

* * * * *

To the tune of "Camelot" with ever-growing apologies to Lerner and Loewe

The Java's flowing freely all the time here
In Fords most of your motor trips are made
It rains or snows ten months out of the year here
In Cascade

This ain't Seattle, even though it looks like
The crooks have rallied here for a parade
We've even got church-bombers from the Third Reich
In Cascade

Cascade! Cascade!

Although you think it's really rare,
Here in Cascade
Cascade
Most women have red hair!

Elevators need to be avoided
When one-hit-wonders drop them like a brick
You've really gotta watch
These kids who kick your crotch
If you have plans to be a father
While you're in Cascade!

Yachts, warehouses, and greenhouses are places
Where long-haired teaching fellows are waylaid
Jim's head goes through assaults that leave no traces
In Cascade

Cascade! Cascade!

Since Blair helped Alec on his way
Here in Cascade
Cascade
The Corvair's D.O.A.

Though Zeller, Lash and Brackett may cause problems
Jim Ellison won't let them have their way.
And as for that Kincaid
Amoral and toupeed
He should have grabbed a different hostage
As he left Cascade

* * * * *

A quick vacation from Broadway: To the tune of "Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da" with apologies to Lennon and McCartney, and dirty looks to Felicemar who put the idea for this song into my head!!!!

Sandburg is a long-haired anthropologist
Jim's a cop who's senses run amuck
Jim decides to let the student study him
When he keeps Jim from being flattened by a truck

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.

Sandburg teaches Ellison to use a dial
Somewhere in the big detective's brain
"Use your mind to turn the dial way down low,"
he says "and then you'll feel some comfort for your pain!"

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.

In a couple of months, they have built
A partnership
Now wherever they go, they go side by side
A perfect relationship.

Simon is the Captain of this winning team
He knows his Detective's just the tops
And he thinks that Sandburg's really not so bad
Alhough he'd never say that to the other cops.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.

In the town of Cascade, Jim has shown
The crooks can't hide
And they swiftly learn not to come between
The Sentinel and his Guide... AH HA HA HA!

Ellison has trouble with his eyes/ears/nose
Sandburg has a test to check them out
Jim says "Hey, no way! I hate those stupid tests!"
But then he never could resist Blair's little pout.

Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.
Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da
Tests go on, brah!
La la how the tests go on.

* * * * *

To the tune of "Getting To Know You" with more apologies to Rodgers and Hammerstein.

The Scene: Picture the guys sitting in the livingroom, stealthily sneaking glances at each other, these thoughts running through their heads:

BLAIR:
Getting to know him
Getting to know all about him
Learning his House Rules
Struggling to keep them straight

Getting to know Jim
Trying to stay open-minded
Being reminded
To wipe my feet!

Starting to wonder
If I should get an apartment
'Cause what I'm feeling
Certainly should worry him

Doesn't he notice
That when he comes near
I'm breathless?
Just from his
Blue
Eyes
Watching me with such
Care,
I
Look but I can't touch

My friend Jim

JIM:
Getting to know him
Getting to know all about him
Trying to stomach
All of the weird stuff he cooks.

When he moved in here
He said "Just two weeks, no longer"
Thought I was stronger
He got to me

When will he realize
That I just can't be without him?
I'm going crazy
Wanting to just touch his hair

Why can't I show him
How he's become so important?
His face is
Al
Ways
Stuck here in my brain
Think
I
Might just go insane

Wanting Blair!

THE END