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Kicking and Screaming
by Lianne Burwell
April 2004
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Dick perched on the edge of the roof parapet, staring out 
of the night lights of New York. Out there people were 
loving, loving, hating, dying, but here he was above it 
all. Separate from it all. Untouched by it.

So why the hell did it hurt so much?

What had he been thinking? How had he let Roy talk him into 
doing this again? After Joseph... and then Donna... After 
what had happened in the past, he had sworn off teams. You 
cared too much about your teammates. You bled when they 
bled. And when they died...

It was even worse when you loved them. Donna had been one 
of his dearest friends since the very first Titans had come 
together, and Joseph...  Well, Joseph had been special. Roy 
didn't know how special. Joseph had spent nights pulling 
Dick out of the shell he had tried to retreat into after 
Kory's marriage. He'd been so good to Dick. And then he'd 
gone insane. And died.

They always died.

But this time would be different, Roy had told him. These 
were strangers. You don't know them. You won't care. You'll 
be like the CEO of a company, directing employees, not 
getting involved in their day to day lives. Train them, 
then send them out into the world on their own.

Bastard.

"Didn't anyone ever tell you that if you keep scowling like 
that, your face will freeze that way?"

"Bastard."

Roy paused at the roof exit, a confused expression on his 
face, then grinned. "Not this boy," he said. "My parents 
were very definitely married when I was conceived *and* 
when I was born."

"That's not what I meant and you know it," Dick muttered to 
himself, then set to ignoring the other man.

Unfortunately, Roy had never been much good at taking a 
hint. He stomped over to where Dick was and sat down next 
to him with a sigh. He leaned the cane he was using against 
the parapet, then looked down at his hands. He was pale and 
sweating, and Dick was tempted to yell at him for getting 
out of bed before he was supposed to, but he was ignoring 
the man so he didn't. "I didn't plan on getting shot."

Dirk snorted. "We never do," he said in spite of himself.

"And I certainly didn't do it to upset you."

That, he didn't bother to dignify with an answer.

Roy fell thankfully silent for a minute, but showed no 
signs of going back inside. Where he belonged. Damnit, he'd 
been shot. Several times. In the chest. He should be in bed 
recovering, not out on a cold, windy rooftop. Better yet, 
he should be getting out of the superhero business 
altogether. He had a daughter to worry about. Risking his 
life on a daily basis was a stupid career choice.

"Maybe, but it's my choice."

Dick felt a flash of guilt. He hadn't meant to say that out 
loud. However the words couldn't be called back and he 
wasn't going to lie to his old friend by saying that he 
didn't mean them. "Why don't you get out of the business?" 
he finally asked. "Lian would appreciate it, and it's not 
like you couldn't find work in any number of fields."

Roy was giving him the eye. Even when he'd been barely in 
his teens, that had never been a good thing. "I could say 
the same of you."

"I don't have a kid to raise."

"So."

Dick looked back out over the city. Somewhere out there, a 
robbery was happening. A mugging. A rape. He itched to be 
out there stopping it, and not just to get away from this 
conversation.

He was a cop in his other life, and he knew that the police 
also worked to stop those crimes, but there were times when 
wearing a mask, being outside the rules, meant that you 
could do the job more effectively. And it gave him a 
satisfaction that he didn't feel as a police officer or as 
Bruce Wayne's heir apparent.

"That's why I do it too," Roy said. Dick was starting to 
get very uncomfortable at how much was coming out of his 
mouth without him realizing it. "I'm making the world a 
safer place for Lian. It's a job that needs doing by the 
people who can do it best. And we do it because we care."

"Caring hurts," Dick whispered. There was a sharp pain in 
his hand, and he forced himself to relax hands that had 
clenched into fists. There was a small trickle of blood, 
and he wiped it on the leg of his jeans.

Roy turned and hugged him awkwardly. "I loved her too. But 
refusing to care isn't going to make it any better, and 
going it alone isn't going to make you care any less. Tell 
me, how would you have felt if you heard I'd been shot and 
you *hadn't* been here?" Dick flinched. "Exactly. The only 
way to get away from it is to shut off your feelings 
completely, and that is what makes a psychopath. Besides, 
do you really want to become just like Mr. Pointy Ears?"

"Roy..." Dick tried to move away, but Roy hung on, and Dick 
wasn't willing to hurt the man just to get away from a hug. 
Damn, why wouldn't they let him go. Roy, Wally, Joseph... 
Thankfully, he doubted that Roy was going to use the same 
methods that Joseph had. He'd probably turn as red as his 
hair if Dick suggested it. But it didn't make his plea any 
less effective.

"And I'll be damned if I'm going let you pull away, because 
finding out that you got yourself killed some night in 
Bludhaven working without any backup would kill me," Roy 
said hotly, leaning his forehead against Dick's. "I've lost 
too many people I cared about to chance losing another."

"And that's why you dragged me into your Outsiders?"

Roy pulled back slightly so that Dick could see the wry 
twist to his mouth. "Well, that and the fact that you're a 
damned good team leader. And team player, unlike your 
mentor."

Dick shook his head. "What is it with you people? First 
Wally put the Titans back together again so that I won't be 
alone, then you practically draft me for your Outsiders for 
pretty much the same reason."

Roy laughed. "Because, short pants, we love you."

There were days when Dick thought 'love' was a dirty word. 
Still, if he was honest, he wouldn't have traded his days.. 
or nights... with any of them, not even to avoid the pain 
that came later.

"You're insane."

"And don't you forget it."

Dick sighed. "And I'm staying," he finally admitted, even 
though he'd never actually said that he was considering 
leaving the team. They both had known it.

"You're damned right, you are. I put too much effort in 
getting you there to just let you walk out. You've been a 
bad boy, Mr. Grayson, making me worry, though," he added, 
slowly getting to his feet. Dick moved to help him, and 
surprisingly, Roy didn't rebuff the attempt.

Dick froze as he reached for Roy's cane, eyeing him 
suspiciously. "Shit, that's why you brought in Helena to 
replace you, isn't it. You're punishing me."

Roy's grin was pure mischief. "Now, would I do that?"

Dick just groaned.

Bastard

THE END