~Must be the Magnificent Poofter knockin’ at Rupert’s door. Dunno why he had to ring Angel. Not like we couldn’t stomp the Baddie on our own. Rupert swingin’ the door open… Yep… There he is, in all his glory. Caped Crusader, my arse.~

“Thank you for coming, Angel. This Rodaga demon is out of control.”

~Angel lookin’ over at me an’ Shaggs all warily. Whatever.~

“It’s no problem.”

“Hey Deadboy… what’s shakin’?”

“Evening Xander, Spike…”

~Sneer at him a bit. Imagine he’s impressed… Imagine I’m a Prima Ballerina. Heh.~

“Angel.”

“Yes, well, now that Angel is here, hopefully we’ll get some work accomplished.”

~What? We were workin’. We only stopped for a tic to have a wadded up paper fight.~

“You’re too tense G-man. Loosen up.”

“I’ll be loose when we dispatch the Rodaga. Until then, I suggest we focus on our research, and not concern ourselves with the sexual habits of Sirens.”

“Rupert… He’s a growin’ boy… Curious, an’ all that rot.”

“As I recall – it wasn’t just him pouring over the texts.”

“Well… I’m a growin’ boy, too…”

“You’re a hundred and thirty year old Vampire.”

“Yeah, well… ya got me there… an’ a hundred an’ twenty seven… ta, very much.”

“He’s a hundred and thirty three.”

~Shoot the poof a look.~

“Piss off, Wanker.”

“What’s a wanker?”

~Watcher an Poof rollin’ their eyes.~

“Angel is.”

“Spike, shut up.”

“You.”

“That’s enough! You and Xander have done nothing tonight but fool around. There’s work to be done! Oh Bother! I’m fetching some tea – if any of you would care for some?”

“Nah… wouldn’t mind a brandy.”

“You drank all the brandy, Spike.”

“Reckon I did.”

~Rupert shufflin’ off into the kitchen.~

“Spike?”

“Shaggs?”

“What’s a Sire?”

“A wanker that bites you.”

“Fuck you, Spike.”

“Fuck you back.”

“You guys are too funny.”

“What ya grinnin’ at, Shaggs?”

“So you guys used to what? Like run around biting people and having wild sweaty monkey sex?”

~I’m sure my chin is on the floor… Look over at Angel… Yeah… Stunned, too.~

“WHAT?”

~Angel an’ I answerin’ in unison.~

“C’mon you guys… I read all about that stuff. Vampires have sex with their kids.”

“That’s disgusting… and they’re called Childer, not kids.”

“Where in bloody hell did you pick up that bit o’ rot?”

“I read it.”

“Not in the Watchers’ Journals, obviously. An’ if it’s there… you show me… cause I’ll bloody well sue the bastards.”

“Well, I mean… It didn’t say Spike and Angel had sex… but I just figured…”

“Well you figured wrong, Xander. Spike and I have NEVER had intercourse.”

“Come on Angel… admit it… You slipped Spike the hot beef injection, and you know it. Don’t be shy…”

~Ohhh… bad Shaggs… He’s fuckin’ with us. Bad time to remind him Angel doesn’t have a chip. Gettin’ too used to havin’ me about.~

“Could you be more offensive, Xander?”

~Rupert comin’ out of the kitchen. Damn. Jes’ when it was gettin’ fun.~

“Xander, I’m out of cream. Would you mind running out and picking some up?”

“Can I drive your car?”

“No, you may not drive my car.”

“If you ride with me, can I? You promised I could drive it when you bought it. We’ll roll down the highway, then pick up chicks… heheh… cream on the way back… Whatd’ya say G-man?”

~Watcher sighin’… he’s got that put upon look on his face… heh… Work it, Shaggs.~

“Fine, Xander. It’s quite obvious you’re going to offer no assistance in the research this evening. Perhaps Spike and Angel can accomplish something while we’re out.”

“Right on! I mean… I’m going to be a very careful and responsible driver.”

~Heh… Heh…~

“Do you two need anything while we’re at the store?”

“Oi! Barbecue chips… Oh yeah… Honey buns, brandy an’ some wheat germ.”

~Lookin’ at me like I farted on his best suit… what?~

“You are a puzzling creature.”

“Good that yer aware, pet. Now off with ya… don’t forget the wheat germ.”

~Watch the pair of ’em bicker their way out the door. Turn to Angel… What?~

“What’s wrong with you, poofter?”

“He thinks we had sex.”

~Ha! Angel’s all distraught over this. That was effin’ brilliant, Shaggs.~

“So?”

“It doesn’t bother you? How long do you think he’s thought this?”

“Dunno… doesn’t bother me any.”

“Why not? I mean… do they all think this?”

~Well now I’m gettin’ a little insulted. Like havin’ sex with me is repulsive, or somethin’. Not that I shag blokes… but c’mon…~

“Why do you care? Most blokes’d give their right nut for a crack at my arse.”

~There. Bite me, wanker.~

“I didn’t mean it like that, Spike… And you’re not a woman… so why am I consoling you?”

“Cause yer a poofter.”

“That’s exactly why he thinks we had sex.”

“Nah – you could be a poofter with anyone… Doesn’t imply it’s me that’s been gettin’ yer nut.”

“Just shut up. This whole thing is disturbing.”

~Oi! Piss off!~

“Ya gonna tell me in two hundred an’ fifty years you never thought about it?!”

“Not with you, that’s for sure.”

“Fuck you, Angelus. Gimme that book.”

~Grab the volume from him. Soddin’ nonce. Hope he falls on a stake.~

“Spike…”

“Fuck off.”

“Spike…”

“Was it the fuck or the off ya didn’t comprehend?”

“Wonderful… now you’re offended… Spike – you’re not gay, need I remind you of that? Or is there something you wanna tell me?”

“S’not that… It’s the principal of it all, innit?”

“Okay, Spike… If I had sex with men… I’d have sex with you. Happy now?”

“Now yer jes’ humorin’ me.”

“No… seriously.”

“I can see you stiflin’ a laugh, ya tit.”

“And you don’t see how ridiculous this conversation is?”

“Whatever…”

~Effin’ tosser sittin’ there all smug. Read the damn book… Rodaga demon… God he’s irritatin’… Poofy hair stickin’ straight off his head… Right… back to Rodaga… Can’t believe that git… Humor me?~

“Spike…”

“What ya want now, wanker? Can’t ya see I’m busy readin’ about Rodaga an’ his bloody stupid poofy hair?”

“Hair?”

“I mean scales.”

“Why do I bother? I don’t even know why I care.”

“Yeah… why do ya care? You hate me, anyway.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“No?”

“No… I dislike you intensely, but I don’t hate you.”

“Right, I dislike you intensely, too. An’ yer skin is annoyin’.”

“My skin? Why?”

“It’s still attached.”

“Spike – do you always have to be such a prick?”

“Yes.”

“Look, if I’ve offended you – I’m sorry. Can we just drop it now?”

“Fine by me.”

~No I am not pouting.~

“I take it back – I would fuck you. You’re just like a woman.”

“Piss off.”

“Look at you… sulking, lower lip all pushed out… brow furrowed.”

“Glad I could entertain ya, poofter.”

“No, really, it’s actually kinda cute.”

“Cute, am I?”

~A hundred years of celibacy an’ ‘cute’ is all this twit can come up with?~

“Yeah… cute… in a deranged sociopathic kind of way. Plus… great lips. So, I guess… if I was into guys…”

“Ya like my lips, eh?”

“Sure, full… pink… what’s not to like?”

“Heh… got me a pair o’ DSL’s, do I? Ya seen me arse?”

“A few times.”

~Grin at him. Stand up. Turn around – give him a good view.~

“Go on, then… give it a squeeze… yanno you want to.”

~Bloody hell… feel him comin’ up behind me… Didn’t reckon he’d take me up on it… Now what to do? Oi! He’s squeezin’ me arse!~

“Firm.”

“Yeah…”

~Didn’t intend for that to come out so breathy… What the hell have I gotten myself into? His hand isn’t movin’ away… he’s jes’ squeezin’ on his merry way… Does feel kinda nice, though… So maybe I let him keep goin’ a bit.~

“How far are you gonna play this out, Spike?”

“Ya scared?”

“No… Just wondering how much of a cock tease you really are.”

“Tellin’ me yer into it?”

“Should I be?”

“Dunno… feels nice, though.”

~Never in a million years… No… Never in a hundred million years did I think a man’s Johnny pressed up against me arse would be so bloody erotic. Bugger… He’s hard. What the fuck is this? I’m hard, too! Oh a right mess I’ve gotten myself into.~

“What are we doing?”

“Yer grabbin’ my arse… an’ by the feel o’ things back there, yer likin’ it.”

“Well… it’s a nice ass… as asses go.”

“So… ya wanna try this?”

“Do you?”

“Asked you first, didn’t I?”

“I think? But… how?”

“Don’t look at me, pet… S’not like I got a wealth o’ knowledge in this area.”

“Have you… ever?”

“No… you?”

“No.”

“Right… reckon it’s like with a woman?”

“There’s a distinct difference here, Spike.”

~Hand movin’ from me arse to the front o’ my trousers. Oh. Bugger! Oh… Fuck! Angel’s hand is on me cock. Oh Fuck! Grippin’ me in the front, an’ pressin’ into me in back…~

“Shit…”

~Did I jes’ gasp?!~

“Should we… you know… maybe we move this somewhere else?”

“Ahh… uh… yeah… Rupert’s room?”

“Yeah.”

“Don’t fancy gettin’ caught at this, either, mate.”

“Yeah…”

“Fuck, Peaches…”

~This is Angel. Angel’s hand on me cock, his lips whisperin’ against me ear… why the fuck am I so effin’ hard over this? God! This is surreal.~

“Come on.”

“Right.”

~Rush into Watcher’s room. Look over to the bedside table.~

“Heh… Lotion an’ tissues. What ya reckon he’s usin’ that for?”

“I won’t hazard to guess.”

~Yeah… laughter’s good. Cause I’m an effin’ wreck here. An effin’ wreck with a tour bus parked in me trousers.~

“So… uh… reckon we snog a bit, first?”

“Alright… standing up, or lying down?”

“Dunno… what ya fancy?”

“Hmm… lying down. Wait.”

“What?”

“Should we get… uh… take off our clothes first?”

“Right… sounds reasonable.”

~Both of us lookin’ about nervously, shruggin’ off our kits. Standin’ here with stonkers slappin’ against our bellies. Cor… don’t remember Angel bein’ that… eh… endowed. Startin’ to rethink this brainstorm o’ ours… How’s that massive freight train gonna fit in me? Climb into bed next to him. What now? Can’t back out. Eternity’s a long bloody time to be payin’ debt to the poofter for bein’ a cock tease.~

“Nervous?”

“A little… you?”

“A lot.”

“Wanna back out?”

~Right… if it’s him that backs out, then I don’t hafta look like a gutless ponce for all time. So he can do it… leave it on him… But his hand is on my hip, an’ he’s pullin’ me close, an’ his fingers are lightly strokin’ my skin… an’ bugger all if it doesn’t make me cock twitch.~

“We can just kiss for awhile… see where it takes us.”

“Right then…”

~An’ all of a sudden his lips are on mine… an’ what the fuck am I doin’? An’ why the fuck am I doin’ this with Angel? An’ that’s his bloody tongue! Bugger! Reckon it’s not all that bad… kinda nice, actually. Never figured the poofter to be such a passionate kisser… Never thought I’d feel his hand movin’ over my back, finger tips caressin’ behind my neck… but that’s his effin’ cock against me belly! Oi! Alright… I can deal with this… cause at least his lips are nice… soft an’ wet… an’ his tongue gently probin’ my mouth… an’ oh shit… I’m so hard. Where ya goin, wanker? I was jes’ gettin’ into it.~

“Spike… fuck…”

“What? What is it?”

“You’re blowing my mind…”

“That a bad thing?”

“No… just… fuck.”

“Right…” ~Regard him warily.~ “So why ya stoppin’, then?”

“Look… I want more… but if we’re gonna stop, we’d better stop now.”

~Lean over an’ whisper in his ear.~

“Not stoppin’, Angel. How much more ya want?”

~Grab his hand, an’ wrap it around me cock. He may not be a bird… but I wager it’ll work on him jes’ the same.~

“You’re gonna let me fuck you, Spike?”

~Oh Fuck… my cock jes’ started throbbin’ in his fist. Am I moanin’? It’s me or him… don’t wanna think on it right now… Cause he’s strokin’ me, an’ thrustin’ his cock against my stomach.~

“Yeah…”

~I jes’ said ‘yeah’! Oi! My mouth’s runnin’ past me brain at the moment… Maybe my brain’s in me cock… yeah, an’ that’s why I’m sayin’ an’ doin’ all this shit… bugger!~

“God… lie back, alright?”

“We’re startin’ already?”

~Lays me back flat against the bed. Positions himself over me, an’ looks into my eyes… bloody hell…~

“You want this, or no?”

“Yeah… jes’ take it slow, right?”

“I will… trust me.”

“Right.”

~Is there nothin’ in my head that’s sacred? Angel’s my effin’ enemy… my arch nemesis… the poofter! I stuck hot pokers in his side… an’ now I’m gonna trust him not to rip me a new arsehole? Literally! I have got to be the biggest knob in the world…~

“Lotion…”

“Right… an yeah… lets go with one theme tonight, right? There’s never enough lotion, yeah?”

~He laughs a bit… smilin’ down on me… partin’ my thighs… An’ THAT’S BLOODY COLD, ANGEL!~

“Sorry…”

~Ookay… that was out loud. Right… back to smearin’ the goop against me backside… Well… it feels nice… ungh… take that back… feels bloody brilliant, it does. Close my eyes… an’ feel his fingers softly caressin’ at me entrance… pushin’ on it… only a little… yeah… I could get used to this… Why didn’t we do this before?… FUCK! Right… now I know…~

“Relax, Spike… It’s only my finger.”

“Well yer finger is a right arsehole.”

“That didn’t make any sense.”

“So you try formin’ a declarative sentence with a giant finger up yer arse!”

“I don’t have giant fingers, and will you just relax? Look… I’m holding still… see if you can loosen up.”

“Gimme somethin’ to hold on to.”

~Grins at me an’ moves himself over me again.~

“Hold onto my shoulders.”

~Feel like a soddin’ poofter… reckon I am… grippin’ Angel’s shoulders an’ takin’ his finger up me arse. Alright… relaxin’ a bit… Fuck it… Gonna breathe… maybe that’ll … oh GOD!~

“Do that again!”

“This?”

“UNGHEL!”

“I think I found something.”

~‘I think I found something’?! I think I found God… Oh Fuck…~

“Yeahhh.”

“It’s like a little lump…”

“Oh Fuck… do it again!”

“Mmm… tight in there… ready for two?”

“Don’t care… jes’ keep goin’… OUCH!”

“Shh… Just hold onto me… Breathe, if you have to…”

~Bitin’ my lip… gonna tear the skin off Angel’s shoulders… Why can’t we just stick with one finger? One finger was good… I liked the … ahh… yeah… like that… found the lump again, I reckon… ~

“Angel… God… Angel…”

“Say my name again…”

“Angel…”

~Feel his lips against mine… start pushin’ down against his fingers… feel my cock leakin’ all over me belly… Oh God… keep touchin’ that spot, pet… I’ll call ya whatever you want if ya keep goin’ on that… Call ya effin’ Napoleon in drag, if that’s what ya want… whatever… jes’ keep flickin’ yer fingers there… ~

“I can’t wait, Spike… let me inside you.”

“Yeah… do it, luv.”

~I jes’ called him ‘luv’, didn’t I? Never mind that… think on it later. Right now… fuck… if his fingers are this good… imagine what his cooooooooh shit! I’m gonna break in half… I jes’ know it… Breathe? Can’t breathe through this! Fuck fuck fuck fuck… Oh God! Stop!~

“Easy… easy… shh… relax…”

“Don’t move, right?”

“I’ve got you… just hold onto me. I’ll stop if you need me to.”

“Jes’ stay still… lemme adjust, yeah?”

“Alright. I’ve got you…”

~Pull his shoulders down so I can bury my head in his neck… an’ I don’t effin’ care that this is the poofiest thing I’ve ever done… cause bloody hell… if he can get back to that spot… I’ll take the pain.~

“Go in… jes’ a little…”

“Hold on… tell me when to stop.”

~Bite down on his shoulder now… lets see how far I can take it… the faster he’s in… the faster he’s at the spot, right? Is any o’ this makin’ sense? Who am I talkin’ to? Am I sayin’ this out loud?~

“I’m in… fuck… you’re so tight… oh my God, Spike… you’re so tight…”

“Yeah, luv… there… to the left, yeah?”

“Like this?”

“Yeah… yeah, pet… there… oh bloody hell… fuck… you’ve got to feel this.”

“I do…”

“No… Gotta feel what this is like…”

“Tell me…”

“So good… never felt anythin’ like it before…”

“Show me later?”

“Yeah love… don’t stop, right? Keep goin’… need it, love.”

~Well slap my arse an’ call me Sally… I’m a bloody poofter, aren’t I? An’ all this time… who knew? Don’t care… don’t care at all… Angel’s thrustin’ that massive cock o’ his in an’ outta me, an’ aimin’ it directly at my spot… an’ I’m seein’ stars… an’ he’s moanin’ against me… an’ I can’t get enough… an’ this is bloody brilliant… so good… so effin’ good…~

“Spike… God… you feel so good…”

“Pull on me, love… can’t let go o’ yer shoulders… pull on me… get me off, right?”

~Oh. That’s. It. Yeah… there goes my head… wager he’s spent a great deal o’ wank time, cause he’s workin’ my cock like a pro… keepin’ time with his pumps… an’ bloody hell… I’m gonna come… gonna get me nut…~

“…come… Spike… God…”

“Yeah, pet… now… now…”

~Fillin’ me… oh God… fillin’ me… an’ I’m splashin’ out against us… an’ he’s fillin’ me… oh fuck… squeezin’ me an’ jerkin’ against me backside… an’ I’m fadin’ in an’ out… an’ gushin’ all over him… an’ now we’re slowin’ down… an’ what the hell jes’ happened? I’m pantin’ an’ he’s got his head next to mine on the pillow…~

“Holy shit.”

“Ya got that right, Peaches.”

“That was intense.”

“Yeah, mate.”

~Hear the garage door open… BUGGER! Angel jumpin’ off me… both of us grabbin’ for our clothes… FUCK! Trousers on… shirt on… SHIT! Inside out! Turn it round… Angel hoppin’ on one leg tryin’ to get his slacks up… HURRY! Grab the boots… fuck tyin’ ’em… shit… Alright… I’m dressed… Angel wavin’ me outta the room… stumble to the table… front door opens…~

“They were out of wheat germ, Spike… where’s Angel?”

“Oh yeah… Uh… He’s uh… makin’ a call in yer room.”

“Right, well – did you two find out anything on the Rodaga?”

“Nah – but we’ll go out an’ stomp him… that should do it.”

“They’re quite crafty, I’ll have you know.”

“Yeah… crafty.”

~Angel makin’ his way out here… give him a look… He smiles an’ looks away.~

“Was it important, Angel?”

“Huh? Important?”

“The call, Poof. The call ya jes’ made in Watcher’s room… Important?”

“Oh… that call… Oh, no… It’s taken care of.”

“Well, Rupes… we best be off. Go thump the Nasty, an’ be done with it.”

“Do you really think that’s wise?”

“Yeah, Angel an’ I got it covered.”

“Well… thank you again, Angel for making the time to come out here.”

“No… no problem. Let’s go, Spike.”

“Right, then.”

~Watcher an’ Peaches shakin’ hands… the two of us walkin’ down the drive… stop at his car.~

“So… uh… left turn at Sonoma Avenue?”

“Ya know where the bloody cemetery is, Angel.”

“Yeah…”

“You are comin’, right?”

“Well – I didn’t get the formal invitation, or anything…”

~He’s grinnin’ at me. Ponce.~

“Get in the car, poofter…”

“Ladies first.”

“Piss off!”

“Come on, baby… don’t be that way.”

“Ya keep that up, an’ I won’t go findin’ yer spot for ya…”

“Alright… let’s go, Spike. Notice I didn’t call you baby or sweetheart, right?”

“Yeah, pet. I noticed.”