Part 61

It occurred to Xander that he hadn’t asked about what had happened to the Xander of this reality. He was about to rectify that when another - more important - question struck him.

“Spike? How can you be out here in the sunlight?”

Xander was so used to his Spike being out in the daytime that it hadn’t dawned on him that this vampire shouldn’t have the ability. He climbed on the bike while he waited for an answer.

“The witch - Red - did some mojo on me awhile back. Made me sunproof.”

“Oh. Where is Willow?”

“Dead. Got eaten by a nasty beastie. She was protecting the lil bit; she did good.”

“And me? This world’s Xander?”

“Killed by Glory. Same as his chit. Shame, that; I liked her.”

Xander nodded and started the bike. So he and Anya were both dead here. That would explain why things were different. Beating Glory had been a team effort; everyone was needed. Apparently, even he.

As they drove, he could feel the strong grip of the vampire behind him. It made him ache for his lover. He hoped they would find him, that he would be in one piece. Hell, as long as he wasn’t dust - Xander knew he would recover eventually, and that would be good enough. Of course, he’d rather they found him before anything drastic happened to him. They got to the spot where the demons had first appeared and Xander stopped the bike.

“This is where they had him; he told me to go, otherwise I never would have left him.”

“You did the right thing. He would have been too distracted if you had stayed. Can’t pay attention to the fight if you’re worried someone else is gonna be hurt. That’s what got Red killed.”

Spike wandered off and Xander watched as he stopped every few feet. The vampire would lift his head slightly and sniff, or he’d crouch down and study the dirt. Eventually he came back to Xander and got on the bike.

“I’m driving.”

“Why?”

“You don’t know where you’re going. ’Sides, you drive like crap.”

“Okay.”

Xander had no argument for that, and if it got him to his mate quicker, he would gladly let the blond drive. They tore off through the trees and Xander had a sudden flashback to the first time he had ridden the bike with his Spike. It was scary as hell. Apparently, this Spike was hell on wheels, as well.

They drove for some time; every now and then Spike would stop and sniff the air before taking off once again. Xander tried his best to pay attention to where they were, just in case he had to find the way back on his own. So far, he had named each new bizarre place they drove through: ‘melted crayon land’, ‘Muppets on speed land’, ‘the smelly place’, and they were currently driving through what he’d come to call ‘hell’s kitchen’ as the place was hot as… well, hell; and there were boiling pits of lava strewn about the landscape.

Xander breathed a sigh of relief when they finally exited that place. They were now in a dense foresty place; the trees looked as though they were centuries old. Spike stopped the bike and nudged Xander to get off.

“We’ll have to leg it from here. Those demons have very good ears; they’ll hear the bike coming and we’ll get caught.”

“Okay. Lead on.”

“Let me make one thing clear. The girl is the only thing that matters; if your Spike is already gone, we’re out of here. If I get caught, you run. Stay alive, Xander. Get Dawn to the next world. If it’s as nasty as this place, you keep her with you until you get somewhere she’ll be safe. Understood?”

“Yeah, I get it. Keep Dawn safe. Can we go already?”

Spike growled and spun on his heel. He started off through the dense trees, Xander followed behind him. They walked for awhile in silence before Spike stopped and motioned for Xander to stay put. He then crept quietly through the trees until Xander could no longer see him.

Xander began to panic. What if Spike took off on him? What if he got lost here and never found his mate? He could feel his heart beating wildly in his chest; he could hear the pounding of his pulse in his ears. He remembered what the vampire had said about these demons and tried to calm himself. It wouldn’t do anyone any good if he got caught because he couldn’t control his own emotions.

Spike came back through the trees, a nasty scowl on his face. He approached Xander and shook his head when the human opened his mouth to speak. He pointed toward the direction he had come from and put his finger to his lips in a silencing gesture. Xander nodded and followed quietly behind as the blond led him through the trees.

What he saw when they emerged on the other side was enough to make him sick. There were holding pens filled with all sorts of different creatures. He saw humans, vampires, some of those little mushroom people, and others he hadn’t ever seen before. He didn’t see his lover, though. He wasn’t sure whether that was a good thing or not.

Spike directed him to a tree in the distance. There, chained and gagged, was Spike. Xander desperately wanted to go to him; the vampire beside him anticipated his reaction and grabbed his arm in a vise-like grip. Xander spun around, his face a mask of fury. Spike stared him down with cold eyes. Once Xander was more in control of himself, the blond released him and pointed to a path off to the side.

They followed the path, occasionally ducking into the surrounding forest for cover. Eventually they made it to a spot that was within twenty feet of the tree Spike was chained to. Again, Xander made to go to his lover and Spike held him back.

With a contemptuous look on his face, Xander watched as the blond version of his mate crept silently toward his mate. He knew that Spike had a better chance of getting to him than he did but it didn’t make him feel any better about doing nothing. Spike was his mate, he should be doing something to help him.

The blond vampire crept up to the back of the tree and began to work on breaking through the chains that were holding his double. He felt the vampire begin to tense and twist around and hissed out a warning.

“Stop struggling, wanker! I’m here to save your sorry arse.”

Finally, the blond was able to break the chain, and he quickly unwrapped the dark-haired version of himself. They started back toward the path and Xander.

They took off as quickly as they could while still making as little noise as possible. Once they had cleared the camp, Xander pulled his mate into his arms and kissed him soundly. The other Spike growled his displeasure and suggested they save the reunion until they were back at the hotel.

They weren’t far from the bike when Spike cried out in pain. Xander spun around and gasped at what he saw. Spike was holding his hand over the stump of his wrist - where his right hand had been only seconds before. In front of him was his severed hand and a very sharp axe-type weapon, covered in blood.

Xander grabbed his lover and pulled him along. There were several demons running after them and they had no time to stall. The blond Spike had already retrieved the bike and had it running. Xander pushed his lover onto the bike behind the blond and looked around frantically.

“Get on the bleedin’ handlebars! We have to go!”

Xander did as he was told and they took off. It wasn’t until they were out of the trees and back into ‘hell’s kitchen’ that he began to relax. Not much, mind you, he was still scared for his life and that of his lover’s. Spike wasn’t looking so good; he had lost a fair bit of blood, and was barely holding on to the vampire in front of him.

When they reached ‘the smelly place’, Xander insisted they stop for a minute. Spike grumbled but did as he was asked. Xander used part of his shirt to bandage Spike’s wrist and then used the rest to tie his lover to the blond Spike’s back in case he passed out. He realized to his dawning horror that Spike had lost his ring - it had been on his now-severed hand, and there was no way to get it back until they shifted.

It was still fairly dark in ‘the smelly place’ and ‘Muppets on Speed land’ didn’t have a sun. Not that he’d seen anyway, so they should be pretty safe there, as well. But ‘melted crayon land’ had two suns, and then they would be in the real world again. And obviously, the sun there would kill his mate.

“Er, Spike. Sunlight is gonna be a problem for him.”

“Should be dark enough by the time we get back. No worries.”

Xander shrugged his shoulders and got back on the bike. He hoped to God he never had to travel on the handlebars again. He was pretty sure that Spike had scared at least ten years off his life with his driving, and Xander wasn’t so sure he had that many years left in the first place.

All Xander wanted was to get back to the hotel and hold his lover in his arms. He knew that Spike would be okay eventually. Vampires had amazing regenerative properties, and if they could get Spike some human blood, he would heal up pretty quickly.

Xander snapped out of his thoughts when he heard the blond Spike cursing - loudly - in his ear. They had just entered ‘melted crayon land’ and they were being chased. Xander looked back over Spike’s shoulder and cursed as well. The demons from before were still chasing them, and it looked like they had gained a few helpers.

Spike gunned the engine and the bike sped up. Xander held on with a white-knuckled grip; he could see the demons were gaining on them and wished once again that they hadn’t shifted to this reality in the first place. Then he began to feel dizzy. This could be very good, or very bad-

“Oh shit!”

Part 62

Bright sunlight bathed his face and he opened his eyes. He blinked rapidly to clear his vision and then sat up with a start. He was lying on the ground, the motorcycle a few feet away and no sign of his mate.

His mate. Sunlight.

“Oh fuck! Spike!”

Xander ran to the bike and fell to his knees. The blond demon was just sitting up; he had a wide gash on his head from when the bike must have gone down. He still had Xander’s shirt tied around him. But where Spike - Xander’s Spike - should have been, was just a pile of ash on the pavement.

“Bloody hell! You could’a warned a bloke it was a bumpy ride.”

Spike rubbed at the bump on his head and looked behind him. Xander was staring wide-eyed at the remains of his mate. Spike realized what must have happened and he scrambled to the boy’s side just as the human let out an ear-splitting wail.

**For everyone who has decided to continue reading even though I am ‘evil’, ‘cruel’, ‘joss-like’ and just plain ‘mean’, thank you. I feel I must remind you that Xander is cursed, therefore any happiness he has would have to be shattered eventually. I am not as evil as you all think; things will work out for Xander in the end. Now, on to the story. I hope you have your tissues handy.**

Part 63

The motorbike was parked out front. It was such a simple thing, but it brought him to tears. Bringing back memories of their first few days together, how Spike had slowly but surely corrupted his way of life. He touched it gently, caressing the seat, reliving the times he would lean into his lover and close his eyes as they sped down the freeway. It was such a simple thing, but he knew he would miss it terribly.

Xander waited until after Willow had gone into the shop to open his duffel bag. He found the oil - what was left of it - and used some to anoint the clay pot that held the vampire’s ashes. He wanted to make sure that if he ever got home, Spike went with him. Once he was finished he wrapped the pot in a bulky sweater and put that, as well as the oil, back into the bag.

He could hear voices inside; he knew that Spike was in there, at least one of them anyway. He was glad he hadn’t gone in. Just listening to his voice - even muffled by the barrier of the door - was making his chest constrict. This was a torture beyond anything he could have thought of. To see his lover’s face, hear his voice, and have it not be him… Hell, this was one to make Angelus proud.

Anya had really outdone herself. If her aim was to hurt him, to make him pay for breaking her heart, she had succeeded - tenfold. There was no way she could hurt him more than he was hurting right now.

There was the sound of doors slamming and then Willow came back. She had pasted on a fake, cheery smile and led him inside. He looked at the faces of the people he knew, the people he would always associate this place with. Then he looked at the ones that didn’t belong here, the ones that were out of place. One of them so utterly wrong in this setting he thought he might have been hallucinating.

Giles was there, Anya, Willow, Tara and Dawn as well. They were right; they belonged. Angel didn’t, though. He should be in L.A., saving people from evil lawyers. Xander thought that maybe he should tell him that, but then figured that he really didn’t care anymore. If his life was ruined - if his mate couldn’t be saved - why should anyone else be saved? What was the point?

But it was the other vampire that threw him. Standing in the corner, a blank look on her face, stood Drusilla. Xander watched in silence as she seemed to come to life before his eyes. She wove her way toward him, smiling sweetly and dancing to a tune only she could hear. She stopped a few feet away from him and began to twirl in slow circles. Everyone in the room seemed to be drawn into her spell.

“It’s all black and red. Bleeding. Clawing at your insides.”

The vampiress moved closer and whispered in his ear.

“I can hear it, its music. It sings to me like screaming children. So sweet, your pain. Can I taste it? It’s been ever so long.”

She snapped her teeth at him and spun away. Xander blinked as if it had all been some bizarre dream, that he wasn’t really seeing the insane demoness in Scooby Central. Then Angel stood and took Dru by the arm and guided her from the room. That seemed to break the silence the others had fallen into. Willow led him to the chair Angel had just vacated and got him to sit.

“I’m sorry. I should have made Buffy take her, as well.”

Xander looked up at her, confusion clearly written on his face. Nothing was making sense anymore. He didn’t really care; he had actually thought for one moment there that she was going to kill him. He wouldn’t have stopped her.

“Dru, she has a chip - like Spike. I don’t know much about what’s going on with you; Sp… He was kinda rude. He just said that you had been cursed, that you were hopping between realities and that your lover was… gone.”

Gone. The word itself was enough to make the ripping pain in his chest blossom again. He didn’t want to be here, he didn’t want to see these people, these carbon copies of his friends. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go back to the last world - before Spike had been captured by those demons, when they were making love. Everything was always better when they made love. They never would again.

“I - I have to go.”

Xander stood and made for the door. He flung it open only to run into this world’s version of himself. He looked at the shocked expression on the other Xander’s face and laughed hysterically. It was all suddenly too much. He couldn’t bear the strain of it any longer. As he collapsed to the floor he vaguely heard Willow explaining what was going on to his confused twin. Then, there was blessed darkness.

When Xander opened his eyes again, he knew he was alone. He could hear voices, but they were muffled. He was lying in a soft bed in a dark room. He sat up slowly and listened to the conversation in the other room.

“I said I was sorry.”

“I know, but you can’t take it out on Spike. That Xander is not me, Angel. And it wasn’t our Spike who marked him.”

“I know, and I didn’t mean to attack him. I just kinda went crazy. I could smell Spike all over you - him - and my demon reacted. I don’t like you smelling like anyone else, Xander. You’re mine.”

“No, I’m not, Angel. Not really.”

“Xander… We’ve talked about this. I can’t claim you.”

“Not ‘can’t’, Angel. Won’t. You won’t claim me, and you’re right, we have talked about this. I don’t want to talk about it any more. I’m going to bed.”

Xander listened with a small amount of curiosity. He and Angel? That was unexpected. He wondered what Buffy thought about all that. He needed to use the bathroom, so he quietly got out of bed and walked to the door. He cracked it open and looked out into a dark hallway. He could see lights on in the room ahead so he walked toward it.

Angel was sitting on a dark brown leather sofa. His eyes were closed and he looked like he was lost in thought. Xander didn’t want to disturb him and was just about to turn and walk back out the way he came when Angel’s eyes snapped open and he turned to look at him. Xander couldn’t help but shiver under the intense gaze. Then the vampire shook his head and blinked. Sad brown eyes looked into his and Angel stood.

“Are you okay?”

“Fine. Um, where’s the bathroom?”

“Back down that hall, last door on the left. Are you hungry? I could make you something?”

“No, thank you. I’m fine.”

“Some tea, then? It might help.”

Xander realized he hadn’t eaten in a while, and after throwing up earlier, he probably should at least try to put something in his stomach. He nodded acceptance to Angel and went in search of the bathroom.

Standing in the bathroom in front of the mirror, Xander had to admit that he looked like hell. The bags under his eyes had bags of their own. His eyes were red and swollen and they looked… haunted. Then again, what did he expect? He splashed some cold water on his face and then dried it on a towel before leaving the bathroom.

He found Angel in the living room, a tea service set out on the coffee table. He almost grinned at the idea of Angel owning a tea set, but he just didn’t have the strength to make that kind of effort. Instead he dropped onto the sofa and waited as the vampire poured him tea, adding liberal amounts of sugar to it and passing him the cup.

“Thank you.”

Angel nodded and fixed himself a cup, as well. They sat in silence for some time; when Xander finished his tea, Angel fixed him another cup. Finally, Xander couldn’t take the absolute silence.

“Tell me about this place, about you and Xander?”

“What do you want to know?”

“Anything, everything. I just don’t want to think about my own problems right now. You know?”

“Yeah. I do.”

So Angel told him. He told him how they had fallen in love, how hard Xander had fought against it. He told him about the bad times - when Angelus had come back - how Xander had learned magic so he could restore his soul. Xander perked up a bit at that. This was the second time his double had been a magic user. Maybe he had a hidden talent after all. He reminded himself to look into that when he got home; if there was a spell to bring back Spike, he would find it.

“So, if you love him and he loves you, why won’t you claim him?”

At Angel’s shocked expression, Xander explained that he had overheard their earlier conversation. The vampire sighed and hung his head. He mumbled something that the human couldn’t quite make out.

“What?”

“I said, because I don’t deserve him. Xander, I’m a monster - a demon. I’ve killed thousands of people, destroyed their lives and the lives of their loved ones. I don’t deserve to have such a gift.”

“And what does he deserve? Has my double done anything so horrible that he should be made to suffer?”

Angel looked outraged at the idea.

“No! Xander’s never hurt anyone. He deserves to have everything he wants.”

“He wants you.”

“I know, but he deserves better. He deserves a life in the sunshine, a family, and children if he wants them. I can’t give him those things; eventually he’ll want them. If I claim him, it’s forever. I won’t let him go. Not even if he wants me to.”

“I know.”

“Yeah, I guess you do.”

They sat in silence once again. Xander finished his tea and stood. He stopped beside Angel and squeezed his shoulder in support.

“I think you underestimate his feelings for you. If he loves you, and I think he does, he understands what he’s getting into. Don’t deny yourself happiness, Angel. You’ll regret it if you give up on this chance.”

Xander went back to the room he woke up in and laid down on the bed. He buried his face in the pillow and cried himself to sleep.

Part 64

When I woke up this morning I had forgotten that he wouldn’t be here. I reached out for him in my sleep and he wasn’t there. It woke me instantly, and then the pain came back. It hurts, like nothing I’ve ever felt before.

Angel came to me. He held me while I cried and tried to explain why it hurt so much. It turns out, it’s because of the claim. When we mated - bonded to each other - we exchanged more than just blood. We exchanged a piece of ourselves, and now that piece is missing. It feels like I’m dying inside. Angel says it will get better in time. I don’t know if I believe him. I feel like I’ll always be in agony.

I dreamt last night that I was home. That I was in my own bed, that Spike was there with me. I was so happy. I just held him and breathed in his scent. He kissed me. Then he told me he would always be there, that he’d never leave me. He lied. ’Cause he’s not here. He’ll never be here again. I feel like it’s my fault. I was the one who wanted to leave the hotel; I was the one who needed to find out what was going on in that strange place. If we had’ve just stayed in the room, he’d still be with me.

The others - Angel, Xander, Willow, Tara, Anya, Dawn and Buffy - have been tiptoeing around me like I’m made of glass. I know they mean well, but I just wish they would leave me alone. I have to see Spike and Dawn today. They’ve decided to stay here, thank God. I don’t think I could handle any more time with that Spike. He’s heartless about anyone who isn’t Dawn. I understand, but it doesn’t mean I want to be around him.

Xander and Angel are a couple. Now there’s a puzzle. They’ve been together since Xan was in high school. In this reality, it was Xander who caused Angel to lose his soul. It was also Xander who gave it back - permanently. I have a copy of the spell he used. I’m going to give it to Angel if I ever get home.

This world’s Spike is still with Dru (there was no Acathla here, Xander restored Angel’s soul just a few weeks after he lost it) they got chipped together and he rescued her from the Initiative base. Apparently that made him more than demon enough for her. Plus, the scoobies feed them, so where would she go, anyway? I’m happy for Spike, even if it does hurt to know that not every Spike is in love with a Xander.

It turns out that there is a reason I’m such a demon magnet. I have a natural born affinity for magicks. I never knew. I guess that’s why the Xander from way back - the one that gave me the spell oil - and the Xander from this world are so good at it. Willow and Tara both practice here as well, but they’re nowhere near as good as Xander. Hmm, I might have to look into that when I get home. Should be enough to give Giles a few more gray hairs and sleepless nights.

I haven’t been able to even open Spike’s duffel bag. I can’t. Not yet. I know what’s in there. His duster and Docs, his black jeans and t-shirt, the clothes we bought for him, his journal and his CD’s. Also, the ring. It showed up when we shifted. Willow found it when she came to me - she knew what it was and kept it for me. When she gave it to me earlier today, I almost threw up. I remembered that the last place it had been was on my lover’s severed hand. I put it in the bag without even looking at it. Maybe someday, when the pain is less, when I’m home, I will go through his things. Look at his clothes, listen to his music and read his words. But not right now. Right now it just hurts too much.

Part 65

They walked for awhile until they reached a small park in one of the nicer neighborhoods. While the little girl went to play in the sandbox, Xander and his double sat down. Xander looked at the small child; she was very pretty with dark brown hair and the greenest eyes he’d ever seen.

“She’s yours?”

“Yes. Her name is Amelia.”

“She’s very pretty. How old is she?”

“She’s two and a half. Almost.”

“Who’s her mother? Cordelia?”

The other Xander smiled and shook his head. He looked over at his daughter and watched her play for a few minutes. When he turned back to his double, he was watching Amelia as well.

“Willow.”

“Huh?”

“Her mother. It’s Willow. We moved away when we found out she was pregnant; got married and settled down here. Sunnydale is no place for a child to grow up.”

Xander nodded his agreement.

“Is she… Where is Wills?”

“At home, working. She runs a very successful Internet company.”

“What about you?”

“I help her.”

They sat quietly until Amelia decided she wanted to play on the swings for awhile. Xander watched as his doppelganger lifted the little girl into his arms and carried her to the swings. He looked happy pushing his daughter and laughing at her demands to go higher. He never would have pictured himself with children - his life was monsters and slaying and construction work.

After a while, Xander came back and invited his twin to come back to his house and see Willow. Xander accepted and they headed out of the park. They walked the four blocks to the house and Xander waited outside while his twin went in to explain things to his wife. The door opened a few minutes later and Xander came back out followed by Willow and Amelia.

Willow was beautiful. Her hair was still long and the deep auburn shade it had been in high school. She was wearing a pair of soft, faded denims and a pink button-up shirt. It looked like it wouldn’t fit over her swollen belly for much longer. She had to be at least seven months pregnant.

“Wow.”

“Um, hi.”

“Willow, you look… wow. Pregnancy agrees with you.”

She smiled at him; it was a smile he hadn’t seen in a very long time. It was the smile of his childhood friend, before everything went crazy. This was the smile of a young girl who thought the world was a good place. Before she became the uber-powerful witch his Willow now was. He never realized how much he missed this part of her.

“Thank you. So, Xander tells me you’re on some kind of tour of the universe, huh? How’d that happen?”

“Long story. Be lucky you got out of Sunnydale when you did. That place is cursed.”

Willow led them all inside and they sat around the kitchen table with coffee and cookies while Xander filled them in on his life story. He left out the parts about Willow and her use of magic, as well as the fact that she was gay now. He didn’t figure it was relevant to this Willow and Xander. Plus he didn’t tell them about Spike. He knew if he tried to talk about his lover he would start to cry, and he really didn’t want to do that here.

Willow was shocked, to say the least. She hadn’t really thought about Sunnydale since they’d left. She was happy in San Francisco. She was married to her childhood sweetheart, had a beautiful daughter and a baby on the way, a great job, a nice home and a future.

Xander waited until Willow had put the little one down for a nap before asking about their life together. He just wanted to get this over with, find out what was up so he could go back to the hotel and maybe get wasted again. If he wasn’t so sure that he needed the information before he’d be able to shift again, he wouldn’t have bothered.

It was too bad too, ’cause before the last world and losing Spike, he would have been eager to find out how all this had happened.

“It was back in senior year. I was dating Oz and Xander was temporarily insane.”

“By that, she means I was dating Cordy.”

“Like I said - insane. Anyway, we got kidnapped by Spike…”

Xander swallowed down the sob that started to rise in his throat at the sound of that name.

“…he wanted a love spell for Drusilla. Long story short, we got caught kissing by Cordelia and Oz. They didn’t take it well. We got together, weren’t careful enough, and left town right before graduation.”

“We didn’t tell anyone. We just left.”

“They probably think we’re dead. It’s better this way; if they knew we were alive, they’d just drag us back into that life again.”

“We don’t want that. We’re happy here.”

Xander nodded and finished his coffee. He wondered if it would be rude to just leave? He really didn’t want to be here anymore. Not with Mr. and Mrs. “Perfect Little Family”.

“Well, I think I have what I need to be able to move on. I don’t mean to be rude, but I’m sure you understand that I just want to get home.”

“Of course.”

“We understand.”

Willow walked him to the door and touched him gently on the cheek before leaning up and hugging him briefly.

“I hope you find your way home, Xander. And I hope you have a good life when you get there. Maybe you should think about leaving Sunnydale; staying hasn’t seemed to do you any good.”

“Yeah, you might be right there. I’ll think about it.”

Xander walked back towards his hotel, only stopping long enough to pick up a bottle of JD and a pack of cigarettes. He wasn’t actually going to smoke them, but he wanted to smell the smoke. It soothed him and made him feel like Spike was still with him.

Part 66

Well, it looks like we have now come to the “Buttmonkey” portion of my little sojourn into hell. I am a woman. A pregnant woman. Oh, and it gets better; it’s all Buffy’s fault.

Let’s start from the beginning, shall we? After drinking far more than a human body should be capable of, I passed out in my hotel room in SF. When I woke up I was still in SF, still in a hotel but not in the same reality. I’ve figured out that the only way I get to leave is when I’ve learned whatever it is I need to know about this new reality.

That in mind, I hopped on the bike and headed back to SD. I figure the faster I do this the sooner I maybe get to go home. So what do I learn upon entering the Magic Box?

That I am a woman here. That I am pregnant. And that it’s all Buffy’s fault. You know, Spike would have loved this. He would have seen the humor in the situation; I don’t. All I see is a miserable pregnant woman who misses her dick. I know I would.

I can just imagine how my mate would react to this; the leering looks as he tried to picture female me without his clothes on. The biting comments, the teasing looks, knowing that he’d be thinking about his double and my double having a child. He would have loved this. I wish he were here to share it, to tease me, to make me see the humor in it. I just wish he were here. Do you hear that, fates? I made a wish!

Seems the Xander of this world found out about Buffy and Spike’s little tryst and got a bit pissed with her. Anya found her at the Bronze - Anya being a demon again and not telling anyone - and plied her with wine coolers. Buffy poured her little heart out about big, mean Xander and then said: and I quote: I wish that Xander knew how it feels to be a woman, how it feels to have Spike so totally devoted to him. To carry a piece of him inside, growing and growing, until it just had to be set free.

So, now you have a completely besotted Spike, a miserable, pregnant Xander, and a very stubborn vengeance demon who refuses to undo her work. Add to that an angry watcher, an apologetic slayer, a giggling teenager and two flustered witches and you have a whole new level of hell. Have I learned enough about this world? Can I leave now?

Part 67

“Dracula?!”

Xander was pacing angrily back and forth throughout the watcher’s living room. He was livid, beyond angry at the fate of this world’s Xander. He may have been a woman in the last place but at least he wasn’t someone’s bug-eating-man-bitch.

“That bastard! I’ll stake him, I’ll kill him ’til his dust is dust! Where is he? Point me in the direction of the bastard’s lair. I’ll tear him limb from limb!”

“Xander. Calm yourself. This behavior will not change the facts; the Xander of this world has been under Dracula’s thrall for some time now. We’re not even sure that he’s still human.”

Xander spun around and glared at the older man.

“What do you mean, you’re not even sure? Have you even tried to save him? Where the hell is Buffy? Spike? Christ, even Deadboy?”

“Buffy has tried - numerous times - to rescue him. As for Spike, well, he’s in league with Dracula. Seems that he was more than willing to switch sides since Drac was able to turn off his chip.”

Xander slumped dejectedly onto the couch. He cradled his head in his hands and sighed.

“Deadboy?”

“We haven’t been able to contact Angel. It’s as if he’s dropped off the face of the earth. Cordelia, as well.”

“Where is he staying? Dracula, I mean.”

“He has a rather large mansion just outside of town. It is heavily guarded. It seems we were rather foolish in allowing Spike to observe us so closely. He knows they way we think, every attack we’ve made has been thwarted. It’s most embarrassing.”

Xander couldn’t help but chuckle. They always did underestimate the vampire. With Spike watching Drac’s back, it was unlikely Buffy would get anywhere near him. Not unless they wanted her to. But perhaps, he stood a chance to get inside.

“I might have more luck than Buffy. I have a secret weapon on my side.”

Giles perked up somewhat at that remark.

“Really? Do tell.”

“I… well…”

Xander pulled the neck of his shirt aside and showed Giles his scar. He watched as the implications dawned on the watcher. He saw the shock and then the wariness and suspicion grace the older man’s features.

“It’s a claim mark.”

“I know, I was there.”

“Who? No wait, it was Spike wasn’t it?”

“Yes.”

“Why didn’t you tell me you had mated to a vampire?”

“It’s personal. If circumstances weren’t this dire, I wouldn’t be telling you now.”

“I see.”

Xander sighed and looked at Giles, trying to will the man into believing him.

“It doesn’t change anything I told you. I’m not under some vampire mind trick. Spike, my Spike, is dust. He’s gone, and as much as that hurts, I have no choice but to continue this damned journey on my own. If I can put things straight along the way, then I’ll do what I can. Do you want Xander back?”

“Of course we do!”

“Then you’ll have to trust me.”

Giles nodded and poured himself another cup of tea.

“I’ll call Buffy. We can make plans tomorrow. You’re welcome to stay in the guest room, if you wish.”

“Thank you. I appreciate that.”

Xander went back out and retrieved his bags from the bike and brought them inside. He put his and Spike’s things in the spare room and then returned to the living room. Giles was just finishing his tea and putting his book back on the shelf.

“I’m heading to bed. Feel free to make yourself at home, Xander. I’ll see you in the morning.”

Giles went up to his room and Xander spent the next few minutes perusing the books on the watcher’s shelves. He selected two volumes on rudimentary witchcraft and settled in to read. He wanted to know if he had any magical abilities or if it had simply been a fluke in the other Xanders’ cases.

Xander read through the first book, trying a couple of the simple incantations. He was amazed to learn that he was able to perform the simple spells after only a few tries. He had floated a feather on the second try, and making a pencil burst into flame had only taken a dozen tries before he got it. Of course he had to dump the remainder of the tea on it to put it out, but all the same, he was pleased with his progress.

He decided to keep the book he was reading, taking it to his room with him. He felt a bit guilty at stealing from Giles, but he wanted to learn and didn’t have time to order books the regular way. He put the book into his duffel bag and crawled into bed. He was asleep before his head hit the pillow.

Part 68

Well. I’m not sure whether this is a good thing or not. I seem to be moving through realities more quickly than usual the past few days. I mean, I only spent one day in the Xander-married-Willow world, less than a day in the Xander-is-a-pregnant-women-carrying-Spike’s-love-child world, only a few hours in the bug-eating-man-bitch reality and now I seem to have landed in the Hyena-Xander-is-still-at-large world.

Yeah, nice, huh? Somewhere out there in the wilds of California, my pack runs free. Kyle, Tor, Rhonda, Heidi, and yours truly, the Xan-man. It’s totally freaksome. ’Cause I know what they - the rest of them - did to Mr. Flutie. Does that mean that I’ve tasted human flesh? Am I a cannibalistic hyena-possessed monster in this world? Oh god, why didn’t they unpossess me, repossess me, whatever, in this reality?

It’s hard to think about, knowing that I’ve killed people. I mean, okay, I’ve met my vampire self and yeah, big scary there. But he wasn’t me. He was just a demon wearing my body, using my memories. The hyena is me. I remember; I was there. It was I that did those things as much as the beast. It didn’t push my soul out of my body; it merged with it, made me like it was - wild, passionate, free.

I still remember how it felt to tear into living flesh, taste the salty blood and devour the raw meat of my prey. I remember how liberating it was to shake of the constraints of humanity and just be… animal. It was scary when I came back to myself, remembering the freedom and the wild abandon. A part of me was sickened, but another part, a part that I tried to bury as deep as possible, missed it.

It was more than just the freedom though. It was the belonging, knowing that I had a “pack”, that I wasn’t alone. It was the comfort of bodies pressing against me, wanting to please me and be pleased by me in return. One thing I was thankful for was the fact that no one ever found out just how “close” I had gotten with the others. I didn’t actually have sex per se with Tor or Kyle, but there was some naughty touching between us while I made use of the female members of my pack. I was very glad that they never mentioned it afterwards.

Going back to being the zeppo was hard after that. I still dreamed of running wild, hunting prey and tearing flesh. I would wake up in a haze of arousal and despair. I wanted to pretend it hadn’t happened, so I buried myself back into the role of donut-boy and smart-ass. It was easier. The one thing I never told anyone was how I could relate to both Angel and Spike. Being a predator and then suddenly having it all ripped away. In Angel’s case, he got a soul, and I identified with him the most; he now had a human revulsion to the things his demon had done. With Spike, it was more that the temptation was still there, that sometimes I wanted to be that free again, and knew I could never be. That must be what the chip is like for him, wanting something and not being able to have it no matter how much it tempts you.

I hated them both. Angel was easy to hate; he was everything I wasn’t. Tall, dark, handsome, mysterious, and able to keep up with Buffy, not appearing weak and inferior in light of her abilities. He had the girl I wanted, simple as that. Of course now I have to wonder if it was that simple. Perhaps I was attracted to him, or would have been if Willow hadn’t interfered in my life. I’m not sure if I should thank her for that where Angel is concerned; I mean, yeah, I might have had sex with him, but I don’t think I’d want him as a boyfriend or a mate. Too much angst and ‘woe is me’.

Spike I hated because he was too human. He was supposed to be a demon, a thing to hate and destroy. Black and white, simple logic. But he wasn’t. He was somewhere in between, all those lovely shades of grey. He laughed, he loved, he drank, he ate human food - and liked it. He watched TV - was addicted to cheesy soap operas, and of all of the supernatural creatures I’d ever had the misfortune to meet - I liked him best. I felt that he was someone I could be friends with. After what had happened to Jesse, I hated myself for liking Spike. Therefore I hated Spike for making me like him, and hate myself. I just never really figured it all out until now.

From what I understand, the zookeeper had a hold of Willow, and before he had a chance to act on anything, or even complete the chant that would have transferred the hyena spirits into himself, Buffy knocked him over the rail into the hyena pit. The animals ate him, and the pack and I escaped. Buffy and the others hunted them ruthlessly, but never caught them. Even Angel, with all of his vamp senses and speed and strength couldn’t catch them. They left Sunnydale, and other than the odd ‘wild animal’ attack, the gang has no idea where they are.

I hope to God that if they are ever found, Buffy will have the decency to just kill them. It would be far more humane than to make them live with what they have done. God knows I would be the first one in line to pull the trigger.

You may have noticed I haven’t written about Spike. This world’s Spike is dust. Seems that when he showed up at Thanksgiving looking for help, Buffy staked him. She said it would have been cruel to leave him alive in his condition. Part of me agrees, but another part is saddened by the loss. They didn’t believe me when I told them how much Spike had become one of the group back home. Buffy flat out refused to believe that he was in love with her or that he would risk his life for her or Dawn.

I talked to Oz last night. After spending the day with the gang and learning about the different paths that their lives had taken, I needed to get out and have a little down time. Giles insisted that I not go out alone at night, so Oz offered to accompany me. He’s good company. He’s quiet and restful.

We rode around for awhile, went to the Bronze and played a couple games of pool, had a couple beers, and then just sat outside in the parking lot and talked. I told him about Spike. About Riley and what he did to him, about how we fell in love. I told him that we had only been mates for less than two days when I lost him. He was sympathetic.

I still feel him - Spike. He’s in my heart, my mind, my veins. He may be gone, but he’s still a part of me. I understand more now about what Angel tried to tell me, but he was wrong. I have a part of Spike inside me, and as long as I live, he lives on within me. I’m not missing a part of myself; I’m only missing the physical presence of my mate. If I concentrate I can still feel the connection between us. It gives me the strength to go on. I know that I can get through this, that I can survive this constant disruption of my life, as long as I can still feel him. I won’t give up on finding a way to bring him back to me. I won’t give up hope.

He isn’t really gone if I can still feel him, right?

Part 69

I’m a werewolf. Weird huh? I wonder if that makes me any cooler? More Oz-ish, perhaps? It’s strange though, thinking about Oz that way. I mean yeah, he’s a great guy, and before the whole kissing-fluke with Wills, I thought we were pretty good friends, but lovers? Mates? I never would have pictured it. I kinda always thought he and Willow would eventually get married and have a litter.

I guess he’s attractive; he’s cute, has good hair, and a really soft-looking mouth. I bet he’s a good kisser. Not that I want to kiss Oz, I mean, I love Spike. But if there wasn’t Spike, then yeah, I guess maybe I would. Wow. I can’t believe I’d actually want to kiss Oz. Weird.

I watched them together earlier, in their wolfy forms. It was weird. I remember watching Oz-wolf in the old library; he was always so restless, so aggressive and… wolfy. He isn’t like that now; they were curled up on the floor, nuzzling at each other and making soft, growly noises. Almost like purring, but not the same. They looked content. It was sweet. I wonder if it’s always like that for them, or if it’s just the pot…

Spike used to purr when we were in bed. After making love, or sometimes first thing in the morning, he would rest his head on my chest and purr. It felt wonderful - the vibrations would lull me to sleep. I miss that.

I don’t sleep as well any more. It’s like after Anya and I broke up; I couldn’t get used to sleeping alone - without her soft snores in my ear or the way she snuggled into me in her sleep. Only it’s a thousand times worse. Spike was more than just my lover; he was my mate - my other half.

Sleeping with Spike was a comfort long before we became lovers. He barely knew me the first time he climbed into my bed to soothe my nightmares away. I remember that when I woke up, I felt safe. It was the safest I had ever felt. I think I did the same for him. I hope so.

So, yeah. Werewolf Xander is the thing here. Not so bad as things go - as least he’s locked up every full moon and not out eating the populace. It’s better than vampire-me, or hyena-me, or - gods I’m still pissed about this one - bug-eating-man-bitch-me. I wonder what surprises the next world holds in store for me?

Part 70

The minute Xander entered the kitchen, he found himself pressed up against the wall with a very angry, game-faced vampire in front of him. He knew enough to submit to the inspection he was being given and waited while Spike sniffed at his neck and then briefly darted his tongue out to taste his skin. Xander cleared his throat and tried to compose himself before speaking. The touch of Spike’s tongue on his throat had made him long for his lover; he was rather embarrassingly hard and he really hoped Spike hadn’t noticed. But by the smirk on the blond’s now-human face, he knew he had.

“So, it’s true then? You and this other me were mates?”

“Yeah. I guess this bothers you, huh?”

Spike snorted and rolled his eyes.

“Have you met Xander? Wouldn’t you be bothered?”

“Hey! Okay, so he’s a little…”

“Geeky? Bloody hell, he took the cheerleader to a Trekkie Convention for their anniversary last month.”

“Ouch. Bet he’s still paying for that one.”

“Oh yeah. He should invest in a good pair of knee pads with all the crawling he’s been doing.”

Xander smiled at the idea of Cordelia Chase at Science-Fiction Convention. Gods, what had his double been thinking? Cordelia Chase was not the kind of woman you took to a convention. She was the kind of woman you took to Paris, or Hawaii, or the Bahamas. He was snapped out of his reverie by the sound of Spike impatiently clearing his throat.

“So, you and this Spike were mates. How’d that happen, and what have Farmboy and the Initiative got to do with it?”

Xander gave Spike the highlights of what had happened. Including his part in Riley’s torture and death. He watched as Spike once again let his demon out to surface. Yellow eyes filled with hatred and pain listened avidly as Xander described everything he had done, everything he had witnessed Angel-us do to the ex-soldier. Including turning and ensouling him so he could do it all again.

“Sounds like a bloody good time was had by all. ’Cept your Spike, that is.”

“Actually, Spike was the one who finally dusted him. After having a little fun with some holy water, a saw and a little piece of scrap metal, which he shoved into his brain.”

Xander knew he shouldn’t be enjoying Spike’s gleeful expression the way he was, but he could still remember the nightmares his lover had had, the screams and the tears. He was glad he could give this Spike a little something to think about, knowing that at least in some reality justice - or rather vengeance - had been served.

“Good enough then. So, you and this Spike? How long were you together?”

“Awhile, but we had only been mated a little over a day when I lost him.”

“Must have been hell on you. How’d you survive the bond? The pain had to have been horrible.”

“It was. Still is. Sometimes it sneaks up on me so fast I can hardly breathe.”

“I could help. Least I can do after such a lovely story you just told.”

Xander looked at Spike speculatively.

“How?”

In answer Spike bit into his thumb and held it out to the human.

“My blood’s the same as his. It’ll help you get the pain under control, for awhile, at least.”

Xander hesitated briefly before stepping forward and accepting the offered blood. He needed something to combat the withdrawal. This fast pace he was suddenly subjected to wasn’t helping, so any relief was welcome.

He didn’t take much. The wound was practically healed before he put it to his mouth, but what he did take was like coming home. He remembered the taste so acutely it hurt. It was Spike. Pure Spike. And it hurt; but it was so good.

“Thank you.”

“No worries. Like I said, least I could do.”

Spike spun on his heels and strolled out of the kitchen - but not before Xander noticed that he wasn’t the only one who had been affected by the exchange of blood. Spike was just as hard as he was.

Back in the living room, Xander drank tea and listened as the group filled him in on the happenings of this reality’s Scooby Gang. Things had gone pretty much how he had remembered up until the kissing fluke. It seems in this reality, Xander had been more in control of his hormones. He and Willow had only kissed the once, and then he had gone and confessed everything to Cordy and begged for her forgiveness. She eventually gave it.

Willow hadn’t fared as well. When they had been kidnapped by Spike, she had tried to kiss him again, but he refused her advances. Oz and Cordy came in just in time to hear Xander tell Willow that he wouldn’t do it, that if he was going to die, he would die a faithful man. Cordelia had been so impressed she instantly forgot all her plans to make him beg and grovel for forgiveness. Oz hadn’t been impressed. He left Sunnydale right after graduation - so did Willow, but not together.

Xander didn’t mention Willow’s spell, or the fact that he could actually feel it surrounding his twin. He was shocked to realize that now that he had begun practicing, he could feel magic. It surrounded Giles like a shield, like it belonged there, but on Xander it was more like a restraint - a straightjacket. Seeing as how Xander was happy with Cordelia, he didn’t want to interfere, but he would mention it to Giles in private.

“Well, fun as this has been, sun’s down so I’m off.”

Spike got up and looked pointedly at Xander before leaving. Xander knew it was an invitation, but he had no intention of accepting. It just didn’t feel right. Not without his Spike. He was about to make his own departure when he felt it again.

“Oh fuck!”

And then everything was different.

Xander blinked and realized he was the center of attention. He was still sitting in Giles’ living room, but the cast had changed. Giles was there, as was his double and Buffy. But where Cordelia had sat only moments before, now sat a tall, slim, dark-haired man. He wondered if it was Buffy’s boyfriend, someone he had seen around the University with her. He looked familiar.

“Uh, hey guys.”

Xander’s softly spoken words seemed to break everyone out of their shock and they all reacted at once. Buffy grabbed a stake, Xander jumped up and moved away from the couch, Giles pinched his nose and polished his glasses, and the tall dark-haired man just stared at him with his mouth hanging open.

“Whoa there, Buff! So not a vamp here; please don’t stake me.”

“Buffy, I’m not sure what he is, but it is highly unlikely that he is a vampire.”

Giles replaced his glasses and approached Xander cautiously.

“Hey, G-man. Want to hear a fascinating story about vengeance curses and interdimensional travel?”

Xander tried his best goofy-Xander grin and sighed in relief as Giles relaxed somewhat and Buffy put her stake away. She didn’t relax her guard any though, but at least he was no longer in danger of being impaled. The other Xander came back to the sofa but instead of sitting down where he had been, he sat right next to the strange man and took his hand. That answered one question; he obviously wasn’t Buffy’s boyfriend.

“Er, Xander, Jesse, why don’t the two of you make yourselves useful and put the kettle on for tea?”

The two stood and left the room. Xander stared after them and then finally realized what his eyes had been trying to tell him. The young man with his double was his best friend Jesse. Jesse whom he had driven a stake through by accident a long time ago at the Bronze.

“Oh my God. Jesse.”

Xander couldn’t help the tears that welled up in his eyes. He had often wondered what his friend would have turned out like had he lived. He now had a chance to find out.

“Xander? If that is indeed who you are, would you mind terribly explaining how it is that you just… appeared in my living room?”

“It’s a bit of a long story. What do you know about vengeance demons?”

Giles looked confused and Xander began his story. It was going to be a long night.