Title: Worth Living For

Pairing: X/S

Rating: G

Feedback: Is a good thing!

Disclaimer: Still not mine. <Pouts>

Summary: Xander’s thoughts on William.

Distribution: Want? Take, have.

I lay here in bed and watch him sleep. He looks so innocent that my heart almost breaks. I know he isn’t, innocent that is, but I bet he was once. Before he met death at the end of sharp teeth.

Spike was always a mystery to me, he was evil, he was the undead, he was death just waiting to take what was rightfully his. Now? Now he isn’t. He was first robbed of his rights to kill and feed by a group of delusional military doctors. Then he was given a soul.

Sorry, scratch that. He asked for a soul. His soul. William. That’s who he is now, William. Oh, don’t get me wrong, he’s still Spike, still a vampire and still the undead. But he’s not evil anymore. He is William the bloody awful poet, with fangs.

Spike loved Buffy, but it was wrong. Not because she was the slayer and he was a vampire. It was wrong because she will always belong to Angel, and she could never love him back. That was why it was wrong. He tried to force her to love him the only way he knew how. It had always worked with Drusilla. How was he to know it wouldn’t work with Buffy? He was a demon, nothing more, and that’s how he had always shown his love. By taking.

Spike thought that by getting a soul Buffy would love him. He was wrong, she doesn’t, she can’t. Angel holds her heart, he always has and he always will. It was no wonder Riley left. He couldn’t compete with a man who wasn’t even there anymore. A man who would never be there again. William understands this. He knows that Buffy will never love him, he doesn’t want her to.

William only wants to help, to absolve himself of Spikes crimes to humanity. But is it really a crime? He was only doing what came naturally to him. We all have to eat, it’s just that his food was human.

Humans aren’t any better than demons. We still hunt our food, enjoy killing it and consuming it. I’ve seen the look in my fathers eye as he gets ready to go on a hunting trip with my uncles. It’s the same one Spike would get before we patrolled for the newest big bad to waltz into town. Do you think the cows would stand still for slaughter if they knew how to fight back? Not likely. That’s the difference, humans know how to fight back.

Spike once told me that vampires are not pure demon, they are half breeds. They need a host body to exist and they adopt their personalities from the human as well as their inherit knowledge. If this is true, then the human aspect is still there, residing within the demon. The soul is lost but not the person per say. It makes you think. Did I kill a demon with my friends face, or was a part of Jesse still in there with the demon? Did he feel betrayed by me?

William sleeps beside me every morning. I’ll have to get up soon for work and he’ll roll over in the bed to take up my former position and soak up the heat left behind from my body. He isn’t my lover, he’s only my friend but we share an apartment and a bedroom and a bed. Neither of us like to be alone and this is comforting. Sometimes I wake to find myself holding him, other times it is him that holds me. It’s not about sex, or lust or any of those things. It’s about friendship, caring and love.

That’s right. I said love. I love him. Funny isn’t it. How I can love him, William, but I still can’t wrap my brain around Buffy and Angel. I know it makes no sense, but it’s true. I love a vampire, a male vampire, a soul having male vampire who tried to kill me and all my friends. It makes no sense but it’s still true. I wouldn’t change it if I could. I don’t want to.

I have to get up now, I still need to shower before I have to leave. I watch him instinctively move into the warm spot I’ve left behind and I smile. He curls himself around my pillow and breaths in my scent. I see him smile as he drifts into a deeper slumber. I won’t allow myself to hope that he feels anything more than friendship toward me. It’s enough that he’s here, that I can watch him sleep and hold him close. I turn from the room to start my day. I hate to leave him, but I have to. Besides, I know he’ll be here when I come home and that makes my life worth living.