Did ya honestly think I’d sit still for this? Prophecy be damned, this shouldn’t have happened. You’ve walked out on me more times than I can count, but this is permanent-like, innit’?

Before… always knew I’d see ya again. Same bat face, same bat channel. Heh heh.

But this – this is sick in a way even I can’t respect.

I mean… look at ya… it’s disgustin’! Yer all nasty and warm now! Liked ya a lot better cool an’ hard. Hard. Bet ya can’t even get it up can ya old man? Nice thing about bein’ a demon pet, yer always ready for a spot of the old in-an’-out. I mean… look at me, will ya? Ready an’ rarin’ to go!

Don’t avert yer eyes like some bleedin’ virgin, Peaches. Oh. Hey. Now there’s a though, eh? Need me to pop that human cherry for ya, pet? Got an itch yer too daft to get someone else to scratch?

Oi! Sit! Did I say ya could move?

That’s nice… that’s real nice. I’m the strong one now, hey? An’ ya don’t like it one bit, do ya? Sure… struggle a bit, I like that… yeah… do it again.

Aw… c’mon… jes’ a little fun. Not like I’m really hurtin’ ya. Yet.

See… I pull yer arm back like this… now that… that hurts, don’t it?

Fuck… you smell good. Christ… yer afraid… that’s what that is, innit? Shit. Jes’ another pathetic bit of food now, aren’t ya?

Don’t get me wrong… yer a nummy treat an’ all… jes’ a little wrong since yer my Sire.

But yer not really, are ya? Jes’ another Happy Meal now. Gonna grow old and die.

Bet ya start losin’ that poofy hair of yers before long. There’ll be wrinkles on that perfect skin soon. Have ya given this much thought, Peaches? I know yer eatin’ habits, yer gonna be a fat old git. What d’ya think? Arthritis? Diabetes? Ooooo… .Alzheimer’s? Shriveled little old Angel wanderin’ around some nursin’ home babblin’ about all the times he ate nunneries.

What’s that? Do ya think I’m daft, ya ponce? I’d know ya were lyin’ even if I couldn’t smell it on ya. ’Course yer afraid. Didn’t think this bit through at all, did ya?

Sat there broodin’ in that ivory tower. Ya thought this Shanshu shit’d make everythin’ all right. Nice warm cuddly thoughts. Figured everybody’d love ya if ya had a pulse, hmmm? They wouldn’t be afraid no more.

Damn right pet, no one’s afraid. No one. No thing.

What do ya think I mean, pillock? Ya think I’m the first one that heard about this crap? Think the baddies aren’t just linin’ up right now to see which one gets first crack at that soft warm ass of yers?

Not jes’ demons, luv. Giles got a bit of the Ripper-gleam in his eyes. Don’t think he ever really got over the whole ya-killed-my-tart-then-tortured-me bit. Hearin’ ya’d won yer redemption jes’ sorta pushed ’im over the edge. Said somethin’ ’bout chainsaws and drove off toward Home Depot.

Sit. Still.

Jes’ want a lick. There. Christ that’s nice… can feel yer pulse jes’ jumpin’ under me tongue.

Oi! Where’s the nice smell? Yer supposed to be tremblin’! Hello… vampire licking yer jugular an’ all.

The chip?

Heh… heh… Oh bloody hell… that’s funny… hold on… really gotta laugh here!

Ah… .that was good, ta mate.

Never was exactly a genius, now were ya, ducks? Here… let’s try this again. I pull yer arm back… so. That’s it… like yer groans I do. Oooo! Light went on, didn’t it?

Angel is human. Spike is a vampire. Spike hurts Angel. Spike is happy. Why, boys and girls? ’Cause Spike doesn’t have the soddin’ chip in his head any more. Well… it’s there, but it don’t work so well. At all, really.

How’d that happen for ya, Spike old pal? Well thanks for askin’ me Angel, pet. Here’s how it went. I’m sittin’ in Willy’s one night, havin' me a pint a this and a pint a that. An’ this pretty little thing plops herself down next to me. Says, “Spike. I’m yer fairy godmother, come to earth to grant ya yer heart’s desire.” Right… yer not buyin’ it… fine. No romance left in the world, is there?

Here’s the thing. She’s really this nasty bint, name of Lilah. Yeah, she said ya’d react like that. That’s one deranged bird ya got after yer sorry hide, Angel. Ya shoulda just given her a good rogerin’… seems a bird’ll forgive ya anythin’ if ya stick it to ’em right. Angel an’ his magic cock o’ forgiveness!

Look, if ya don’t stop tryin’ to get up… Right then. Gonna sit on ya… squirm all ya want… ya make a comfy chair. Yeah… keep it up… seein’ as ya can’t get it up.

Awww… did that hurt? It’s yer own fault, an’ I’ll give ya worse if ya open yer mouth like that again. Best remember yer place now, Angel. Human… and under me.

Don’t worry… that’ll heal up in a week or so. Or mebbe not.

Now… back to my story. Evil little bird was right pissed. Apparently yer getting’ all human-like cocked up some big plan she an’ her bosses were workin’ on. Ya even averted an Apocalypse… that should make ya happy. Turns out the game was called on account of no Champion.

Now, don’t fret… they’re cookin’ up another end-of-the-world plot… ya just won’t be playin’ in that one. But they’re a vindictive lot, bless their evil little souls. See, they wanted to give you somethin’ to remember ’em by. Me!

I’m yer pressie, pet – surprised? Know I was. Bint had some doctor zap me with a bit of mojo, and hey-presto! No more pain!

Had to test it out though, didn’t I? Ya’ll like this bit. Know how ya hated that Harris brat? No worries… whelp’s all gone. Thought I was playin’ at some sort of game when I told him to squeal like a pig. I’ll have to catch that film, Deliverance, though… sounds like a good un.

Don’t you fret, luv… I left the rest of ’em be. Had to make good on me promise and come down here, didn’t I? Them lawyers are the devil’s own when it comes to contracts.

Tears? Shhhh… .there, there, pet. What’s got ya sobbin’ like this? You can tell yer Uncle Spike. Shhh… c’mon… can’t understand ya. Yer friends? Angel! I’m shocked, what kind of monster do ya think I am?

Safe as houses. Downstairs. Not goin’ anywhere, got ’em all tucked away. ’Course I had to gag ’em. Figured even yer weak little human ears might pick up the cheerleader’s screams. Cor, that girl’s got a mouth on her.

I’m not lyin’ to ya, Angel. I can hear their heartbeats. One scared little rabbit. One ticked off cheerleader. One very well endowed black man… and yeah… checked out the tackle there, nice choice. An’ one… oh… ex-Watcher might not make it… his ticker’s a bit faint. Maybe hit him a bit too hard. S’alright… it’ll still be enough.

Well, maybe not enough… but a good start. What’s that? Well, I’m glad ya asked, Angel my boy.

See… made that lawyer a promise, didn’t I? You understand, right? Had to get this damn chip out. Was making me nutters. Making me soft. Heh… makin’ me like you.

Ya wanna know what I promised? C’mon… .ask me… .I know ya want to! Shit, Angel, it’s no good if ya don’t play!

Fine. Yer no fun at all, ya know that?

Promised to kill ya. Oh yeah, an’ yer little pals.

Christ… cryin’ again. Quite the bitch, aren’t ya? Cut that out ya sod! Yer getting my shirt wet!

Pathetic wanker. Bet yer not even cryin’ for them… yer cryin’ for yerself. Always was a selfish bastard.

Were too.

No, pet, I’m not gonna make you watch me kill ’em. There now… feelin’ a little better?

See, here’s how it’s gonna play out. Yer gonna kill ’em, an’ I’ll be sittin’ on the couch with the popcorn, watchin’.

Yeah, pet… move like that again! ’At was good for me… was it good for you? Yanno ya can’t budge me… but jes’ keep buckin’ up like that… feels real nice.

Yes. You. Will.

An' you’ll like it, luv.

Why? ’Cause a Childe lives to obey their Sire, don’t they. You’ll kill ’em, fuck ’em, torture ’em. Anythin’ I ask jes so I’ll pet you an’ say, “Good boy.”

Oh yeah… left that bit out. Didn’t tell the bird this part either. Sure… I’m gonna kill ya. Then I’m gonna bring ya back.

Oh fuck… so that’s what a terrified Angel smells like. That’s jes… .nice. Can’t wait to taste.

So here’s how it’s gonna go. I turn ya… then have ya take care of the food downstairs. ’Cause I remember how ya like to munch on family after a good turnin’. Then… oh then I’m gonna fuck ya bloody, pet.

I’ll fuck ya till ya scream an’ then yer gonna suck me off. Ya do a real good job an’ I’ll let ya jack yerself. But ’ere comes the good part... Then we’re gonna go after those lawyers. Figure we’ll need Dru and Darla for that caper.

One big happy family. It’ll be nice, jes’ you wait and see. Gonna be like old times. ’Cept you’ll be the one bent over and takin’ it up the ass. Can’t wait.

Oh… an Angel? No gypsies… got that? Not a one.

Now luv… jes’ tilt yer neck a bit for me. That's it.

Good boy.