~Xander, casually walking into the crypt without knocking.~

“Hey, Spike! There’s a car… parked outside your crypt. Spike, how’d a car get in the cemetary outside your crypt? Something you want to tell your young, non-pal, Xander?”

~Gorgeous blonde vampire, looking up from a nudie mag.~

“Ya might try knockin’ first, nitwit… what if I’d been havin’ me a nice shag… or givin’ me’self a seein’ to? What the hell happened to manners these days? Any event… yeah, that’s me wheels out there… tits, innit?”

~Frown of disgust.~

“Okaaaaaay… that is so much more information than was required for this moment. A simple ‘Knock next time.’ would have been sufficient. And somehow… being lectured on manners from the no longer so evil undead… not having quite the impact on the Xandman.”

~Flopping down in the beatup recliner.~

“Tits? Never heard a car called that… but, whatever floats your boat. Very cherry rod ya got there. Now spill… who’d you steal it from?”

“Didn’t nick it, ya ninny. I won it playin’ poker. Have you any idea how many kittens I had to collect to get dealt in on that game? Bloody Drethlarsh demons play hardball… literally… Lost thirty eight tabbys to him last month alone! About bloody time I got mine… tell ya… So ya fancy my cherry rod, eh? Tell ya what Shaggs, ya ever want a ride the cherry rod, ya let Uncle Spike know… Take right good care o’ ya, I will.”

~Raised eyebrow.~

~Responded to with two raised eyebrows and a look of shocked disgust.~

“‘Uncle’ Spike? Ewwww… family reference… age difference… sex sameness… definitely not of the good. Probably of the illegal… somewhere.”

~Shudder… thoughtful look… shudder.~

“Is your mind always in the gutter? Wait. Don’t answer that – I’m psychic.”

~Settles sideway into the chair, looking awfully comfortable for a human in a vampire’s crypt.~

“So… Fangless… that’s quite the chick-magnet you got out there… but tell me… Who’s Thea?”

~Cheeky grin.~

“Yanno… yer a tosser… but that’s beside the point, innit? So ya think my ride’s a ‘chick-magnet’… well, let me impart some knowledge, Droops… My ride’s an ‘everyone’ magnet. Yeah… heh. An’ dunno what the bloody hell ya mean by ‘Thea’.”

~Eyeing him over the nudie mag.~

“Am not? Wait… what’s a tosser?”

~Shakes his head as if to dismiss the thought.~

“Wait… everyone? You mean you… you know.”

~Makes a sideways motion with both hands, frowning at the vampire’s blank look.~

“You *know* what I mean!”

~Still no response.~

“You swing both ways?”

“I don’t swing anythin’! What’s wrong with you, Droops? Ya daft? Oh… swing… ahh… bat for both teams? Heh… Was referrin’ to demons of all types… but yer a poofter, an’ I understand why ya went there. So… You tell me, what ya think? Picture me a receiver? A tight end? Or am I drivin’ it home with the wicked up thrust, hmmm? What ya think? Do tell me what ya see in that little brain o’ yers, pet. What am I doin’ up there?”

~Nudie mag down, full attention on the boy.~

~The boy in question pulls his legs around and stares at Spike seriously.~

“Having a thought here.”

~Nods slowly.~

“O.K., you’re small, compact… I’m thinking you’re the girl… yeah… definitely on the bottom.”

~Nervous cough.~

“So to speak.”

“Oi! Oi! The ‘girl’, am I??”

~Takes a minute looking down at the ground.~

“An’ all because I’m not built like a linebacker, eh? Nevermind my slinky animalistic physique, right? No matter… So what position, then?”

“Uh… we’re talking guys here… there’s only the one, you perv… or was that a trick question? Uh… hadn’t really gotten that far with the visual… and hey!”

~Blushing.~

“Get the vampire porn out of my head! Cut that out! There will be no positions! No slinking! Geez… can we get through one conversation without taking a tour of the gutter that is your mind?”

“What ya lookin’ at me for? You brought it up… Dunno what yer squawkin’ on… So – what ya here for, Shaggs? Tryin’ to learn about all the different positions two blokes can accomplish? One… please, be real mate.”

“What?!!”

~Deer in the headlights look.~

“I did not bring up gay vampires! I was just talking about the stupid car and stupid Thea, and you got all… Forum Letter on me. I’m–”

~Sitting up straight and pointing to himself.~

“I’m the innocent here. Non-kinky human here.”

“Yeah, right… yer the innocent non-kinky one, except that tent in yer trousers is threatenin’ to poke me in the eye any minute… But we’ll jes’ gloss over that lil’ fact, yeh? So… What about the car? An’ who is this bleedin’ Thea ya keep talkin’ up?”

~Shifting uncomfortably, then looking up defensively.~

“Hey! I’m a teenage guy… looking at linoleum makes me horny… it’s not my fault! It’s your fault. You’re evil… yeah yeah… you know, I know… everybody knows. And I’m asking you… who’s Thea? The stupid license plate on your stupid car has some stupid girl’s name on it… says Fun Thea.”

~Trying to leer… looking a bit constipated.~

“And was she really fun?”

“Ha! Bloody hell… THEA… Hahaha! Yer one of a kind, Shaggs… yanno that? So… Thea… Well, that’s my little secret, innit? Considerin’ I’m such an evil wrong-doer… an’ how everyone knows I’m one… Maybe I play up the part a bit, eh?”

“Why is that so funny? Just some girl’s name… right? Do I know her?”

“Hey… got a brilliant thought… Call Angel – ask him what it means, yeah? Go ’head… go on, give hair-boy a ring… Ask him what FUN THEA means.”

~Looking triumphant.~

“You think I won’t, don’t you?”

~Pulls out a cell phone and grins at Spike.~

“You think I don’t have the… uh… what’d you call ’em? Wrinklies… that’s it. You think I don’t have the wrinklies to call Deadboy… is that it? Well, Alexander Harris does not know fear… well that’s not true… I know fear… intimately…I’m dating Anya. But that’s beside the point. Gonna call your bluff, Spike.”

~Pause.~

“It’s ringing… This is Xander, Deadboy, who is ‘fun’ Thea?”

“And hello to you, Xander. I’m sure I don’t have anything more important to do than play guessing games, but in the interest of time, I give. Who’s fun Thea?”

“Okay… and who’s on first to you too. Look… it’s like this. Spike won this great car in some twisted kitten poker game, and it’s got this personalized license plate frame. It says ‘FUN THEA’… I keep asking him who Thea is, and he won’t say, but he more or less dared me to call you and ask you… so. There you have it. Now who’s Thea???”

“Fun Thea, is it?”

~Laughing loudly and trailing off into a giggle.~

“Hmm… You know, Xander, as much as I want to help you out here, I have no idea what it means. Really. Just none at all. Fun Thea… That’s great… but no… no idea.”

~Giggling secretively again.~

“Right… I’m feeling the sincerity here, Deadboy.”

~Thrusting phone at Spike.~

“Here. You talk to him. He says he doesn’t have a clue. And he’s giggling… do you have any idea how disturbing that is?”

“Hello, lover.”

“Gods… ah… hello, Will.

~Sound of something breaking… pause.~

“Sounds like you’ve got his tiny brain spinning. Should I thank you now or later for having that idiot call me?”

~A soft groan.~

“Yeah, pet… I’ll take me lumps later, right?”

~Clearing throat.~

“Damn… ya always know jes’ what to say, dontcha? Any event… yeah – Shagg’s all a flutter over me new wheels… Can’t seem to work out the plate, though. heh. Had to share the entertainment with ya… wouldn’t leave ya out, now would I?”

“I know what to do, too. At least where you’re concerned. Or so you tell me… while you can still talk that is. That what you want, Will? Want to see exactly how much fun Thea can stand? I can imagine that hot little car the boy’s drooling over. Steers well around the curves? I’m more than a little interested to see how your new purchase handles. When are you coming to L.A. to give me a show?”

“Bloody hell, Angel… Bloody effin’ hell! Unholy Bloody effin hell! Now I got an hour an’ a half drive ahead o’ me, with a god damned high rise in me trousers!… So yeah… see ya in a few hours, then? Ya show me all ya jes’ said, eh? We’ll do some Fun Thea… Bloody hell… bloody effin’ hell…”

~Panting slightly and shaking head.~

~Angel laughing.~

“You deserve it! Having that witless twerp call me… he must be about five different shades of red if he’s still standing there. Tell me… his mouth is open… gaping like a fish, isn’t he? I swear, I don’t know how the boy’s survived this long. You should have eaten him when I offered him to you that first time.”

~Sound of chair creaking.~

“And you’re in good company… I’m very ready for a visit with you. I’ll show you every damn option on that car, and then we’ll make up some of our own. Now tell that dolt what Fun Thea is so you can tell me how gobsmacked he looks, then get your ass over here.”

~Groan.~

“An hour and a half?”

~Growl.~

“Drive. Now. Come on, Will… just… come on.”

“Crikey! Could get me nut jes’ hearin’ that! Yeah… reckon I had it comin’. Though – yer s’posed to be all Noble an’ Soul havin’… kinda wrong o’ you to prey on someone’s weakness like that… Ya naughty thing… Hmmm…”

~Another quiet moan…~

“Right… well, best be off. Let Shaggs know what the plate means… an’ yeah, love… ya pegged the picture spot on… heh… like a fish… See ya soon… an’ think o’ all the ways ya can ride Thea…”

“Right.”

~Laughter.~

“You’re the evil one, I’m the good one. Thanks for the reminder, Will. And don’t worry… I plan on breaking in Thea right… you know… start off slow… let the engine warm up a bit… my hand on the shaft… pop that clutch… and let it go.”

~Sound of… a head hitting a wooden desk. Voice lower now.~

“Drive… just… drive, dammit!”

“Holy Mother of God, man! Focus… focus… I’m sayin’ this out loud, aren’t I? Right… Thea… Kid… Tell… Drive… Bloody hell… FOCUS! Love you, bastard… see you in a bit.”

~Snaps phone shut… stares at Xanpet.~

“Right… let’s hurry this along, yeah? …What ya need to do is separate the letters.”

“You.”

~Gulp.~

“He.”

~Blush.~

“You and Angel.”

~Mouth open again.~

“You both–”

“What? Bloody hell… BREATHE! Can’t do CPR here, mate! BREATHE, XANDER!! …C’mon pet… in a little… out a little… c’mon… what’s wrong with you? Yer turnin’ purple!”

~Huge breath.~

“You and Angel are…”

~Voice cracking.~

“Fucking!”

~Voice slipping into awe.~

“Positions… more than one… you and… Angel… oh god.”

“No… we *could* be, if you’d start breathin’!!”

~Eyes on the boy, watching him take in great gulps of air.~

“Oh… heh… got a visual, did ya? So… arse up, or flat on the back? Hmm… ’ats a good one… Angel wearin’ me ankles as earrings… hmm… always did like the way my knees looked over his shoulders… yeah… so more than one position… love, there are too many to count… Now… back to Fun Thea… Ya work out what it means yet?”

“You put naked vampires in my head! How am I supposed to focus on some stupid license plate with naked vampires in my head??? Ankles? Earrings? Oh god… I’m going to hell… no… I’m there already… and you’re the devil.”

~Sits down, head in hands.~

“Fine… fun Thea… fun Thea… funthea… nope… shit. You’d have to be kinda… flexible…”

“I am… so’s Angel… Now… break the letters apart, nimrod.”

~Standing impatiently with arms crossed over his chest, staring at the whelp.~

“Break… ahh… right. Okay… I can do this… F – U – N… hey! I get it… no, wait… fuck you in Thea? Please please please… tell me… maybe it will get the bad pictures out of my head… just tell me!!!!”

“Oh BUGGER!”

~Grabs a pencil and starts scribbling quickly, holds up the paper.~

“Get it now, Wanker?”

“‘F U N THE A’.”

~Xander reads, eyes widening in realization.~

“You have a license plate that stands for ‘fuck you in the ass’?? I’m never ever going to be able to look at your car again without thinking… any car without thinking… bad thoughts… oh man… why couldn’t it just have been kittens? That’s a nice, safe double entendre… but no… screw you! Stop smirking at me. Go! Go have fun with Thea… what the hell… tell Deadboy I said ‘hi’. No… tell him I said I saw him as the bottom… yeah… tell him that. I’ll start running now.”

“HA! Wait till I tell ya what Angel said about the car… no… no… wait… ya gotta hear this… where ya goin? Shaggs? Come ’ere! Come back!”

~Staring off after Xander’s trail of dust. Shrugs. Goes out to the ‘everyone-magnet’ and pats it fondly on the hood.~

“C’mon Thea… gonna put you in gear, old girl… we’re gonna get us some of that fun…”