Pairing: Q/O, DM
Rating: R
Summary: Rejected from Sith Academy for being too, um, salacious.
"Master, they're not going to give me a bid to pledge."
"Did you wear the khakis?"
"Khakis?" Darth Maul asked.
"Correct, my young apprentice. You should be familiar with them from your work at The Gap."
"No. I wore my jeans and my 'Sith Lords Kick Ass' t-shirt."
"Maul, you idiot, Chi Epsilon Delta Iota is a Jedi frat. They're all sniveling little high-class queens in khakis."
"But Master--"
"Are you telling me a Sith Lord can't imitate a sniveling little high-class queen in khakis?"
Maul looked at the small cat sitting on his lap. "I'm going to kill him someday, you know," he told her.
"Good, good, my apprentice," said the holoimage of Darth Sidious. The cat hissed at him. "You have taught your cat to hate as well. Now, make those Jedi give you a bid!"
Darth Maul sighed, dumped the cat on the floor, and started digging in his closet for his khakis.
"Hi!" said Obi-Wan. "I'm so excited to be a pledge. Aren't you?"
"What are they doing over there?" Maul asked, gesturing with his lightsaber at some of the upperclassmen, who were milling about like sheep, giggling.
Obi-Wan blushed. "Well, there's this game called Soggy Biscuit. All us pledges have to sit in a circle around the cookie and, um, you know, onto the cookie. Last one to come has to eat it."
"I know that game," Maul said, plastering the innocent look his cat had taught him onto his face. "My Master always makes me play it with his bridge club."
Obi-Wan wrinkled his nose. "Eww, that's gross!"
"Not really. Ever see a fifty-five year old man try to get off? Takes forever."
Obi-Wan turned purple and began to choke.
"That's about how old your Master is, isn't it?" Maul inquired, sugar practically oozing from his pores.
Obi-Wan started to cry.
Maul snickered and stalked across the room to join the rest of the pledges in the circle around the large chocolate-chip cookie.
"Pledge!" A XEDI brother grabbed Maul's shoulder.
Through clenched teeth, Maul said, "Yes, sir?"
"I need a bottle opener, a condom, and twenty credits."
"Going after one of the two-beer queers again, sir?"
"What was that, pledge?" The brother cuffed Maul across the head.
"Nothing, sir. Here's your bottle opener, condom, and twenty credits, sir. Do you need lube, sir?"
"Got any Astroglide?"
"Of course, sir." He slapped the tube into the Jedi's waiting palm.
"Good. And no more lip out of you, pledge, or you're gonna get it!"
The Jedi sashayed away, humming "I Will Survive".
"No," growled Maul, "you won't. When the Sith rule the galaxy, XEDI will be the first thing to go." He paused, thoughtfully. "Unless I kill my master first."
He headed for the campus store to buy another bottle opener and tube of Astroglide, and some more red food coloring to put in the Astroglide.
If he was lucky, half of XEDI would spend the night in the hospital worrying about rectal bleeding.
Maybe he would slip a tube under Obi-Wan's door.
"Maul!"
"Yes, Master?"
"I have a new task for you. You must get XEDI kicked off campus."
"Why?"
"I saw on the news that two frats at the University of Corellia got kicked off campus. All the boys were so full of anger and hate towards the university." Sidious hissed. "I could feel it, Maul. All that raw power. You must do this to the Jedi!"
"How, Master?"
"I'm sure you will find a way." The holoimage faded.
"I really hate him," Maul said to the cat. She waved her paw at him and he went to the kitchen and defrosted a salmon steak. "I hate you, too," he said. She blinked at him and twitched a paw. He knelt down to pet her.
The doorbell rang, and Maul left the cat to her lunch to answer it. It was six brothers from XEDI. "You need to make a supply run," one of them said. "We need food and drinks for the party tonight." The others nodded their heads in unison and put their hands on their khaki-clad hips.
"Well, pledge?" one of them sneered.
Maul gritted his teeth. "Yes, sir," he said. "Of course, sir. You can count on me, sir." They smiled indulgently and left.
The cat twined herself around his legs. "I've decided. They definitely get killed before my master," he told her. "Their kind must be eliminated from the universe!"
"What's this blue stuff?" Obi-Wan asked, just before his Force abilities went completely haywire.
Maul, slurping a Bud Light over in the corner, ducked the flying pool table and watched as fifteen campus cops tried to subdue a frat house full of drunken Jedi hopped up on metha-chlorians.
The metha-chlorians had been so expensive he'd had to buy nasty beer instead of his favorite Rogue Honey Brown, but it was worth it for the sight of thirty-six sniveling little queens in khakis throwing huge pieces of furniture around and squirting the cops with dyed-red Astroglide.
"You have done well, my apprentice," said Darth Sidious, trying to ignore the cat climbing up his robe and avoid the puddles of red dye on the floor. "XEDI have lost their charter and their house. Now you must claim it for your own. I command you to start a fraternity called Sigma Iota Theta!"
"Do I have to?"
"Yes. And you have to make t-shirts for it. I want a design by Tuesday!"
From next door, they heard Obi-Wan scream "Master! I'm bleeding!"
Darth Maul grinned ferociously. "By Tuesday, my Master."