To Ashes
by MonaR.


Notes: "Empire" is really the dark movie of the trilogy - how appropriate that it starts out in the bright whiteness of the snow-covered landscape on Hoth and ends up with the first battle between Dark and Light - Luke's saber-fight with Vader on Bespin.
Pairing: Han/Luke. Really. Don't look at me like that.
Rating: PG. This may be the least sexual 'slash' story I've ever written in my life, but I blame the movie - I mean, they weren't even *together* after Hoth. So it's George's fault, I tell you.
Series: Fourth in the untitled SW slut-puppy series, sequel to "Brief Encounter", "With Feeling", and "Cold Front".
Spoilers: Set during the last two-thirds of "Empire", but leaving out the ending, for dramatic purposes. :)
Summary: Luke trains with Yoda on Dagobah, while his friends walk into a carefully-constructed trap...
Warnings: I don't use betas. :( Any mistakes are solely my fault and the fault of my *#^&@ spellcheck.


His greatest regret was that they hadn't had a chance to say anything - or do anything - before he left. He'd suited up in the orange flight suit while still in the medical bay, knowing that he had to go directly to his X-Wing and get ready to fly out, not knowing if he would be able to talk to or even see Han before he went. And if we don't talk now, then when?

As it turned out, when he found Han working on the 'Falcon, as usual, there were too many people around, and too much between them remained unsaid. He took the hug from Chewie, transferring that feeling of warmth by will alone to Han, who remained above him, aloof, but with that sad look of concern on his face. It struck at Luke - he didn't think he'd ever seen anything like it on his friend, in between the wisecracks and the teasing. It was a glimpse of the genuine feeling that usually only came out when they were together, in private, alone, very late at night or early in the morning. Only lately had it been more about emotion than sex between them; only lately had they started to argue and get on each other's nerves; only lately had the various powers around them been pushing them apart instead of together.

He wanted not to leave, suddenly; wanted to jump up or have Han jump down, wanted to hold him, just for a moment. But, somehow, without words, they both understood that what they did - and what they were to each other - was reserved just for them, for those private moments. It wasn't for a bay full of pilots and mechanics, not for a sickroom with medical droids and well-meaning friends, not even for a couple of feet of space with Chewie and the 'Falcon in between them.

In the end, they'd settled for a look - a look of such tenderness and love that it made Luke's heart leap and sink at the same time. Even now, Han's "Be careful" echoed in his mind.

He'd hesitated, words on his lips, wanting them to come out. He tried to put all of his feelings into a smile that he knew didn't mean half of what he wanted to say, and settled for, "You, too."

And now, here he was, in the middle of a swamp on Dagobah, standing on his hands, moving things with his mind, trying to learn the powers of a Force that he didn't think he'd ever even begin to understand, but which was meant to rule all the rest of his life. None of it felt real. Reality was that moment that haunted him, and everything that he didn't do.

Could I have been any more banal, any more detached? Should have jumped up on top of the Falcon and - and done something! Should have -

Yoda's voice reprimanded him once again out of the depth of his thoughts, as it so often did. "Use the Force. Yes."

He felt the freeing of his mind. It was like something was pulling his thoughts away from his body - where they had no place. Tangible reality versus the possibility of anything, detached from anything that had to do with flesh - no want, no need. Try not. Do, or do not. No 'why'. Just be, and believe.

"Now, the stone."

He felt more than saw the stone in front of him began to raise. Two Jedi minds came together as one. Yes.

"Feel it."

In the end, the straining of his traitorous body was once again his undoing. It gripped him, kept part of him in the present, always. Should have, Han -

Suddenly, everything began to collapse. It wasn't only his thoughts of his lover - Artoo squealed, and the rumbling of his crashed X-Wing going under, slipping past the last clear break of water - it all served to distract him, his mind caught between the pure white bliss of the Force and the darker, more tangible pleasures his flesh knew only too well.

Yoda fell to the ground with a crash. Luke could feel the disturbance in the Force, as his teacher looked at him with grave disappointment.

The X-Wing was his last tie to Han - the only way away from Dagobah and back to his friends, and to his lover. With it gone from sight, he was stranded here, stuck. It was a terrifying feeling, worse than when Han had told him he was leaving, when they were frozen together that night on Hoth. He didn't think that anything could feel worse than that, until now.

The very worst part of it was, he knew that Yoda could read his every thought, and knew everything that he was feeling. There was no place to hide here, he had no shields from the echoes of powerful Jedi presence that lived in this place - memories of Jedi Knights long past. They were looking at him, probing him, all the time. They knew what he was just learning - not just Yoda but Ben and his father who he had never known - and even, in a way, Vader, who lay in wait for him to fulfill his destiny.

Yoda encouraged him to raise the ship from the water himself, to let everything go, to compel it with the power of the Force to do his bidding, just as the rocks had done a moment before. He tried, pouring everything of his feelings into it, and felt it as the metal ship responded to the power of the Force flowing through him. It was a triumph, and the thought came to his mind, unbidden, If only Han could see me do this -

The flyer raised almost half a meter and then sank back down again, further than it had been before.

He looked at it with disgust and defeat, and turned away from Yoda. If he could raise the flyer, he would. With it raised, then he could go back to Han, talk to him, and find out what had happened between them - find out if there was anything left of them. Why wouldn't he want that? He wanted to go back to Han - didn't he?

He listened to Yoda talk about the Force, knowing that it couldn't touch the pleasures that he had already experienced. What could the Jedi master know of love? Had he ever loved? Had Ben? None of them could possibly know. They cared about nothing but the precious Force, and he was expected to do the same.

He headed back to Yoda's hut, intending to eat and wallow in his failure, when he heard it, and turned back. He watched as Yoda did what he himself had termed the 'impossible' - raising the flyer out of the water of the swamp, and brought it gently to rest, with no more effort than if he had been brushing a bit of dust from his cloak, to the ground.

Even touching it couldn't convince him that it was real. "I - I don't believe it."

"That is why you fail."


They scrolled through the charts on the 'Falcon, searching for a 'safe' haven to escape the reach of the Empire long enough to repair the 'Falcon. "Wait, this is interesting - Lando."

Leia raised an eyebrow at him, resting her hand lightly on his shoulder. "Lando System?"

Han half-smiled at her. "Lando's not a system, he's a man. Lando Calrissian. He's a card player, gambler - scoundrel. You'd like him."

"Thanks."

"Bespin. It's pretty far, but I think we can make it."

A moment later, the Empire ship shuttled its garbage, as Han had suspected it would, and the 'Falcon floated away - 'with all the rest of the garbage,' as the Princess so aptly pointed out.

"You do have your moments," she said. "Not many of them, but you do have them."

He barely felt the brush of her lips against his temple, intent on pulling the ship as far away as possible before they powered up the engines. But even concentrating as hard as he could on the ship and on their getaway, some part of his mind couldn't help feeling that kiss, storing it away with the other kisses that they'd shared.

Flirting was as natural to Han Solo as breathing - he did it with everyone, all the time, whether he had a lover at the time or no. It had lost him more than one 'relationship' over the years, but he'd never been able to stop himself.

But with her - there was something about her, something familiar, something that reminded him inexorably of Luke.

He didn't even know if he was going to see Luke again - they'd said barely ten words to each other since their last night on Hoth - and even though they'd parted on friendly terms, it had felt like much more of a 'good- bye' than a 'see you later'. Luke was gone somewhere - he couldn't feel him anywhere around, the way he had in all the time since they'd first slept together - knowing that somewhere in the universe the blue-eyed blond was okay, safe, doing what he needed to do. Following his own path, the way that he should.

The only time he felt Luke anymore, was with her.

He caught a glimpse of her, her head turned away. She's so much like him - the feeling that I get from her is so like his, I can't explain it. That ripple of feeling when I'm near her - it's almost as if - as if they're part of the same person, two sides of one coin. Both what I want.

Neither of which I can have.

He shook his head in self-disgust. So am I giving up so easily? Because he left without a word, because I don't know where he is and if he'll come back? Am I settling for the one person in the world who could replace him in my life?

Luke. Where the hell are you? Why can't I feel you anymore?

As the ship flew through the darkness of space, its occupants all intent on finding a safe place to land, no-one noticed the one who followed. . .


It was getting easier. His mind was freeing, the thoughts leaving him alone more and more. It was as if his problems were getting further away, the solution closer to his grasp.

"Concentrate. Feel the Force flow. Yes."

The objects began to raise before him. He felt it, felt the Force flow through him. His eyes focused on nothing, looking beyond what there was to see, and he felt himself slipping away from a wet swamp on Dagobah, slipping away from his body, floating freely. A cloak of peace settled over and around him, the strain on his arms lightening, his body like a wisp, a nothing, lighter than air.

Yoda nodded at him through the clouds of Force. "Good. Calm. Yes. Through the Force, things you will see, other places - the future, the past, old friends long gone."

A sudden wave of coldness - dark, like a hand clutching at his heart, pushed its way into his consciousness. There was pain there, danger - fear, the like of which he had never known. He shivered with a cold that had nothing to do with the place that he was in, but was not merely the remembrance of Hoth, either. He felt himself cut off from that which he knew best. It was as if the holder of his heart was walking away from him - far away. Right into the path of all-encompassing darkness. "Han!" No. "Leia."

Artoo dropped to the ground, the rocks fell, and Luke landed in a heap, his eyes wide with fear.

Yoda admonished him. "Control, control, you must learn control."

"I saw - I saw a city in the clouds."

"Mm. Friends you have there."

"They were in pain."

"It is the future that you see."

"The future?"

Yoda nodded.

He wanted to know, and didn't. The question came to his lips before he could will it away. "Will they die?"

Yoda closed his eyes and concentrated for a moment. "Difficult to see. Always in motion is the future."

"I've got to go to them."

"Decide you must how to serve them best. If you leave now, help them you could, but you will destroy all for which they have fought and suffered."


Han's descriptions didn't do the cloud city justice. Bespin was truly beautiful, but still Leia couldn't help the shiver of apprehension that rushed through her body as they disembarked, even though she couldn't explain it. It was - cold. That was the only way that she could describe it; not evil, not frightening - just cold. Something made her want to turn back, to climb aboard the half-working ship and beg Han to take her somewhere else - anywhere else but this beautiful, cold place. She shrugged off the feeling.

"I don't like this."

His smile reassured her.

The handsome proprietor who came to meet him didn't help to alleviate the feeling at all. Not even Lando Calrissian's flattery and polite flirting made an impression - not on her. It seemed to bother Han, however. Perhaps this place will have its rewards, she smiled inwardly, as Han took her arm and led her inside the main building.

It wasn't until Threepio disappeared that the feeling of coldness spread.


Yoda watched his student pack things into the X-Wing. He knew that the inevitable moment had arrived - Ben knew it, too. Neither one of them had expected it to come so soon. Although he knew his words would fall on deaf ears when it came to Luke, the most stubborn of his pupils yet, he forced himself to try. "You must not go."

It was simple for Luke to dismiss him. "But Han and Leia will die if I don't." I cannot allow that. I will not.

He listened to the warnings and the pleadings of both Yoda and Ben, but in the end, there was only one possible choice for him - he had to return to his friends. Return to his lover - go to Han. That pull to him was the only thing he knew that was stronger than the Force - it had to be stronger than the Dark Side, too. There was no way that he could stay here and feel the things that he was feeling and not do something.

Try not. Do, or do not.

That lesson had been learned. He would do, or die.

He could not sacrifice his love for anything - not for the Force, not for the Rebel Fleet, and not to the Dark Side. If the only alternative was to face Vader, then he would, gladly. Anything so that others would not suffer in his place. Anything for Han, and anything for Leia.

He felt the weight of the disappointment of his teachers as the small ship left Dagobah, and felt as they left his presence, leaving him alone on this journey that he had to take alone, like it or not.


Lando set his men to work on the hyperdrive on the 'Falcon, and proudly listed the myriad pleasures to be found in the cloud city. Despite the attraction of good food, cards, women - Han found himself walking around restlessly, unable to sit still for a moment. It was too - too something here, but he couldn't put his finger on it. The Princess was jumpy and getting more irritable by the hour, and it took all of his vested charm not to succumb and fly them the hell out of here, hyperdrive or no. The only comfort - such as it was, was the realization that talking to her was like talking to Luke - she questioned him just the same way that the kid did.

"I don't trust Lando."

"Well, I don't trust him either, but he is my friend," he cajoled. "Relax. We'll soon be gone."

"And then you're as good as gone, aren't you?"

He couldn't answer, flashing back to this same conversation on another planet, with another person - Take care of yourself - that's what you're best at. It felt like another time, and it felt almost exactly the same - the same sense of disappointment, the same entreaty to say something, to make a difference, to prove something.

Before he could answer her, Chewie walked in with the pieces of Threepio that he'd found in a junkpile on the Station.

Then Lando came.

And then, right on time - the Empire so regular that you could set your chrono by it - all hell broke loose.


There was no reason for it - they tortured him for the sake of torturing him. Han felt almost that they were making a show of it - that they were doing it only because they were supposed to, not because they really intended him any harm. It was like - it was like they didn't care. If he wasn't so busy being confused, he'd have been a little insulted. Have to get back to Lord Vader with that complaint. When you're slowly killing someone, at least put a little heart into it.

Still, that was the good thing about the Empire - no matter what they did, you knew that they were capable of far worse, for no reason at all.

The stormtroopers dumped him into the cell, and he fell boneless to the floor as soon as the hands holding him up were taken away. Chewie came over and helped him to a bed. "I feel terrible."

A minute later, Leia was shoved into the same room. It was the perfect set-up, with all the cards neatly in place - all they needed now was the trump.

The missing link - the answer to the question that none of them had asked because they didn't even know what it was - came, via Lando. It was the one that Han thought he knew all the time, without really knowing it.

"Vader doesn't want you at all! He's after someone called - Skywalker."

Skywalker.

Luke.

"Luke."

"Lord Vader set a trap for him."

Leia was furious. "And we're the bait!"

"Yeah, well - he's on his way."

No, dammit! "Perfect." He stood, ignoring the pain in his legs, his back - everywhere. "You fixed us all real good, didn't you - my friend?" It was the last of his strength, and he threw it all into the punch, thoroughly enjoying the feeling of connecting solidly with Lando's jaw. I'll be damned if I'm going to go quietly without a fight, Luke.

It wasn't much of a fight, Lando's guards quickly coming to the rescue. He let Leia and Chewie help him to his feet again, and over to the hard bench that felt something like a feather bed.


I owe you two, Han. I'm coming.


He thought that he might get to see Luke before they were all killed, but it wasn't to be. At least Chewie and Leia would be safe, if Lando was to be believed this time. The carbon freeze chamber smoked as he stared at it, vaguely listening to Boba Fett and Vader discuss his worth in monetary terms. First time anyone thought I was worth more alive than dead, he thought to himself, wishing he could laugh.

But there was nothing to laugh about. He almost hoped the chamber did kill him, just so they wouldn't put Luke into it. To trap that fierce young Jedi spirit in carbonite would be worse than cruel.

He admonished Chewie to take care of Leia and then kissed her, once, as the troopers pulled him away. For you, he thought, and for Luke.

"I love you."

He nodded, staring. "I know."

The chamber lowered. Cold. I feel cold. No fear. No nothing. Just cold.

It hit him, hard, almost instantaneous, freezing skin, bone, blood, and finally, his mind.

His last conscious thought was cut off, frozen in his mind. L-


Luke crept through the near-deserted city, wondering where the guards were - why they were leaving him alone - trying to feel his way to his friends. There was nothing but the same coldness that had struck him on Dagobah.

Finally, he caught sight of Leia. She shouted to him, a final warning, before they pulled her away. "Luke! Luke, don't, it's a trap! A trap."

Before he could react, they were gone - Chewie, Threepio, and Leia. No Han. He couldn't feel Han at all, anywhere on the station.

Cold.

And then it overwhelmed him, almost knocking him back off of his feet - the same feeling that he'd felt on Dagobah. In the cave. The Force called to him.

Vader.


Yoda's voice repeated in his mind, over and over, as they fought. It was a mantra, it was pushing him in quite a different way than his teacher had intended. Anger. Fear. Aggression. The Dark Side are they. Beware.

He knew it. He knew that Vader was goading him, forcing him to dig deep to deny the instinct to kill, to fight in anger - not in defense, like a true Jedi. To avenge his friends. To give some meaning to this battle.

It was there, the clarity of the Force, the denial of the flesh and all of the instincts that had called to him as a child. It was in front of him. He could feel it. Ben, Yoda, his father before him.

But once again, his thoughts betrayed him. Flashes of coldness came through to him - he didn't understand why or where they were coming from, but he felt them. His body seemed to freeze, to stop, his movements slowing, his reactions off, allowing Vader to get closer to him. But it wasn't that immediate - it wasn't his feelings, it wasn't he who was freezing.

The realization, when it came, was harder than the blow Vader struck, pushing him off-balance out onto the thin railing that lay far above the reactor core, almost ending his life. It took his father's lightsaber, and his own limb. It might as well have taken his heart. The coldness he felt suddenly had a name.

Han.

"There is no escape. Don't make me destroy you."

I'm not strong enough. I've failed.

"Luke, you do not yet realize your importance. You have only begun to discover your power. Join me and I will complete your training. With our combined strength, we can end this destructive conflict and bring order to the galaxy."

I'll die first. "I'll never join you!"

"If you only knew the power of the Dark Side. Obi-wan never told you what happened to your father?"

"He told me enough. He told me you killed him."

"No. I am your father."

Something in Luke's mind started to shatter, he felt himself numbing again with a cold far deeper and more penetrating than he'd ever felt before. Something died inside him, even as he shouted out against the pretender in the dark mask who was feeding him lies. "No. No. That's not true. That's impossible."

"Search your feelings. You know it to be true."

"No. No."

"Luke, you can destroy the Emperor. He has forseen this. It is your destiny. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy as father and son."

Vader held his hand out, offering a single choice - life with the Dark Side. The gaping emptiness of space above the reactor core below him reached out, too - offering oblivion. "Come with me. It is the only way."

Only one choice, Han. Luke dropped.


Back to SWA-L Archive