Archive: Sith Chicks, SWAL, AllMaulFic, my site
Archive Date: October 25, 2000
Author's Webpage: http://www.angelfire.com/scifi/theglobe
Category: Ficlet, AU, POV, Angst
Disclaimer: The characters and concepts are copyrighted by
Lucasfilm; I'm just having a little non-profit fun.
Feedback: Is always welcome!
Pairing: O/Maul
Rating: G
Series: A Life Less Ordinary, a subdivision of Knight Moves
Summary: Another year has gone by...
Pale light streamed through the window in our bedroom, falling across the bed. But I am not certain what woke me first: dawn's light or Obi's absence. Not only was he gone from our bed, he was gone from my mind as well. The silence was jarring.
Our bond was not broken. He had merely raised shields between us so tightly that I could not sense him. He had not done this since he had accepted the bond. We have always maintained low shields, enabling us to remain attuned to one another.
For a moment, I was confused, adjusting to wakefulness and the loss of Obi both at once. Then I remembered what day it was, and I was confused no longer.
I dressed quickly and went to the Garden of Harmonious Colors. One conversation, and I would leave him alone for the remainder of the day if he wished it. But we would talk now.
I found him at a particular bench as I expected. I am not certain whether he noticed my approach at first. His eyes were distant and unfocused, but I knew he was not meditating. He was turning his gaze inward for another reason: to remember.
I sat down next to him, not touching him. Waited.
A minute or an hour might have passed. I studyed the blooming foliage surrounding us. This garden had been carefully planned. The flowers had been chosen for their shades of color so that one hue flowed smoothly into another. Their scents mingled pleasantly as well. Watching the petals unfold, still damp, reaching to the sun, I understood why Obi's Master had chosen this as his favorite garden. Anyone attuned to the Living Force would feel at peace here, surrounded by such beautiful, delicate life.
"He taught me to meditate in the Living Force here," Obi said at last, his voice quiet and far more subdued than I had ever heard it before.
Several responses rose to my lips. They all seemed trite, and so I remained silent, listening rather than speaking.
"I remember the first time I touched the Living Force," he continued, almost seeming to be talking to himself more than to me. "I was sitting right over there, in the shade of the shamir tree, and he was sitting beside me. It was a hot day, but there was a breeze on my face, and all these scents... I slipped into it so easily, and I wondered why it had been so hard to touch before. He felt what had happened through our teaching bond, and he was so proud..." He paused, smiling wistfully. "It was one of the few times he ever actually told me he was proud. I knew most of the time... I could sense it... but when he said the words and hugged me, that made it so much more special. I could feel his pride through our teaching bond..."
Another long silence fell. The sun grew warmer, and one or two insects zipped by. The scents of the flowers grew stronger, the colors more vivid as if brought to life by the growing strength of the day itself.
"Do you ever think about your Master?"
The question startled me, and I looked at him, only to find him gazing steadily at me. He was paler than usual, there were circles beneath his eyes that told me how little sleep he had gotten, and his eyes held a greater depth of sadness than I had seen in them for months.
"I try not to," I replied.
"I think about Qui-Gon every day."
That was comforting. There had once been a time when he found it too painful merely to speak his Master's name aloud.
"It may be vanity, but..." He gave an elegant shrug. "I believe I'm the one person who knew him best. Better than anyone else in his life. He let me in, I think, further inside his shields and his life, than anybody else. Maybe that was because as my Master, he had to. But I don't think so. I hope not. I don't want to forget that, or what it felt like. If I forget him, then he'll truly be dead. But as long as I hold him here," he touched his forehead, "and here," he touched his chest, "then he'll still be alive."
I nodded.
"Funny..." His voice was distant, almost dreamy. "You'd think after two years, it wouldn't hurt as much. But it does. Maybe it's not as strong or as painful every waking moment as it was in the beginning, but the ache is always there."
"It will always be there," I said. "Perhaps growing weaker with time. However, I doubt you will ever cease to feel it entirely."
He shot me a sidelong, almost guilty look then. "I'm sorry... I probably shouldn't be talking like this to you."
"If not me, then whom?" I replied with a shrug to show I was not taking his words as a personal rejection.
I have always known that Qui-Gon Jinn holds a piece of Obi-Wan's heart that I cannot touch. I have no desire to touch it. It has nothing to do with me. There are some things that should remain sacred. His Master's memory, the love he bears the man--these are sacred to him. I will admit to wishing that love did not hurt him so. I wish that my former Master's efforts had not brought such pain into my Obi-Wan's life. I wish my clone, and not Qui-Gon, had died on Naboo.
"Thank you," he said softly, and he reached out to touch the back of my hand where it rested on my leg.
I turned my hand over and curled my fingers around his, giving him the opportunity to accept or deny the contact as he pleased. He accepted it, twining his fingers through mine.
We sat until the sun was overhead and the garden was in full, radiant bloom. This time, the silence was no longer empty. It was filled with the words still too painful to be spoken aloud. I heard them anyway. They were mostly about love.