Archive: Yes
Archive Date: June 25, 2001
Author's Webpage: http://diana.slashcity.com
Notes: This series totally ignores any of the Jedi Apprentice
books. And yes, it's a very short chapter - I was going to make the next
age jump but realized that Qui-Gon and Yoda really needed to talk, and that
Qui-Gon had some issues to resolve before tackling Obi-Wan's next age
change. Besides, Mace needed a little respite before being plunged into the
Joys of Babysitting (yes, the next one is primarily a Mace & Obi story *g*)
Pairing: series -Qui-Gon/Obi-Wan; this story - pre-slash
Rating: G
Series: Children of the Temple # 9
Summary: Qui-Gon confronts his old master and then his own fears
Qui-Gon entered his former master's suite and said without preamble, "What have you done to Obi-Wan?"
Master Yoda didn't even look up from the table where he sat pouring tea. "Good to see you, too, my padawan. Tea you will have with me, yes?"
Qui-Gon's intended tirade was effectively sabotaged and he flushed like an Initiate. "Sorry, my master," he said, crossing the room to kneel by his master's side. "You are looking well, Yoda."
"Cold I had last month," Yoda said, his voice slightly peevish. "Know this you would if in touch with me you stayed." Even as he spoke, one clawed hand reached out to affectionately touch his former padawan's knee.
Qui-Gon sighed and shifted into a chair nearby. "Master, you will outlive us all - and well you know it. And yes, I'll stay for tea - if you'll give me a straight answer for a change." Yoda gave him an innocent look along with his teacup. "Don't give me that look, Master. You know very well what I am talking about."
"Question you may ask."
"Why was Obi-Wan shielded so tightly that he couldn't sense me through the Force?"
Yoda twitched one of his ears. "Knew this while you were away you did? Say something in your weekly reports you did not."
"I just learned of it today, while visiting Obi-Wan. He's very upset."
"Touch him through the bond you did not try while away you were?"
"Of course not."
"Why?"
Qui-Gon stared at him, flummoxed. "Why what?"
"Bonded you are. Aware of each other at all times you should be." He glared at Qui-Gon. "Known about shielding of Obi-Wan you should have been."
"Do you mean this was all some sort of exercise to teach me a lesson? How could you do that to Obi-Wan? He was in tears!"
"Upset he would not have been if open to Bond you were," Yoda said reprovingly. "Shut him out you do."
Qui-Gon opened his mouth to protest and then shut it, all too aware that this was the truth. If he'd held open the link, Yoda wouldn't have been able to shield him out. Only he and Obi-Wan could completely shield their ends of the link, and the poor little fellow didn't even have the ability to control his end yet.
"Some master and bond mate I'll be," Qui-Gon said bitterly. "I've been so concerned about my own fears and feelings that I failed to consider how the boy was dealing with this. He'd be better off without me."
Yoda's ears twitched with amusement. "Ask Obi-Wan that question you should, hmm? Know what answer you would get. Chose you he did."
Qui-Gon glowered at his master. "I'm well aware of that. You've pointed it out on numerous occasions over the past three years."
"Know it you do. Accept it you do not." He tilted his head. "Let go of the past you must. Time it is."
Qui-Gon got up and paced to the window. "I know that. I just don't know how. I've worked with the Healers, I've meditated and released my pain. I've accepted that Lestia is One with the Force. And I do love Obi-Wan - how could I not when he is so open with his affection? But to open our link, to risk that kind of pain again - " He shook his head. "It's difficult."
"Rewards there are in taking risk," Yoda reminded him. "Remember that you should."
Qui-Gon turned back to his master and sighed. "I will try."
"There is no try," Yoda reminded him.
"I know, I know. There is only do or do not." Qui-Gon smiled affectionately at his master, then bowed. "If you'll excuse me, Master, I have much to think about."
Qui-Gon entered his suite, relieved to find that they were empty at the moment. Mace had gotten permission to spend the evening with friends, so he had plenty of time to meditate over the situation. He settled on the floor of the main room, catching sight of a toy stuffed under the couch as he did. Pulling it out, he saw that it was one of Obi-Wan's old stuffed toys and smiled as he held it in his hands. Only three years and already Obi-Wan had become such an integral part of his world that he couldn't imagine life without him.
Would it really be that much of a risk to open himself completely to the child? He frowned; he hadn't opened himself like that to anyone since Lestia's death. Even his bond with his padawan wasn't as strong as his own bond had been to his master. Not that Mace seemed to mind - he was a very private young man - but now that he thought about it, Qui-Gon realized that he had been letting the past overshadow all his relationships.
He drew in a deep breath and closed his eyes, allowing himself to sink deep within his mind. He pictured himself in a forest clearing, seeing the connections he formed with the world. There was the tall, sturdy tree in the center - his connection to Yoda, the first that he had formed. He noticed with a guilty feeling that it was looking a little ragged and untended, and acknowledged Yoda's earlier comment - he didn't spend as much time with the old master as he could. A pulse of mental energy to reinforce the connection, and in his mind he saw the old tree shake out its branches as the energy flowed into its roots.
Over to the side was a slender young tree, strong and supple, and Qui-Gon knew it was his connection to his padawan. He sent another pulse of energy towards it, along with a wave of affection and pride, and felt the startled surprise at the other end of the link. Then Mace was sending him back a wave of affection and respect, and he could almost see the tree in his mind stretching its branches eagerly towards the sun, basking in the warmth.
Qui-Gon turned to the last part of the clearing. There stood the blasted remains of what had once been a strong and proud tree, now reduced to a blackened husk. In its shadow, a small sapling struggled to grow, gathering what light and nourishment it could from under the ruined trunk, valiantly reaching out for the sun. He was appalled - this was what he had let his past love become? A wretched corpse instead of a beautiful memory?
His master was right. It was time to put the past in the past. Qui- Gon reached out to touch the blasted trunk but, instead of encountering the painfully rough bark, he was surprised when it crumbled to fragments at his touch. Like a nourishing mulch, it surrounded the small sapling and, as he watched, a carpet of flowers encircled the base of the tree.
He smiled, unconsciously squeezing the stuffed animal in his hands. This felt right, his old love nourishing and sustaining the new one, and for the first time in a very long time, he was grateful for what he had once had instead of grief-struck for what he had lost.
His mind reached out to touch the small tree gently, tenderly. This was a gift, one worth preserving, and his love showered down on it like life-giving rain.
And in another wing of the Temple, in his bed in the pre-Initiate dorm, Obi-Wan stirred in his sleep and smiled. "Ma-Jinn," he murmured. "Love you, too." Then he drifted back into his dreams.