Midnight Musings
by Surreal
Feedback!!: surreal666@hotmail.com
Category:  Langly/Byers
Rating: PG
Archive:  Unusual Suspects, Ephemeral,
Gossamer anywhere else just ask.
Disclaimer:  I don't own any of the people
mentioned in this story.  
Author's note:  I just have to say thanks to
Alison for showing me that it's pointless to
be afraid to show others my work just 
because I'm afraid of what they might think.
Summery:  Langly has some midnight musings
about love.  

Lone Gunmen's Place
3:04am


I can't sleep.

This happens a lot, especially when my mind 
refuses to shut down.  
I think this is different, though.  Usually it's
just my mind not letting me sleep, but tonight...
I'm pretty sure it's me not letting my mind 
sleep.  I can't stop thinking;  wondering
about...well, honestly, about John.  About 
the two of us.
I'm laying on my side of the bed, closest
to the wall, flat on my stomach and facing
the wall.  I raise my head, turn to look at
John.  He's on his back, head turned away from
me.  I can see his slow, even breath, making
his chest raise and fall under the soft fabric
of his flannel pajamas.  He's never had much
trouble sleeping, with the exception of the
nightmares he has sometimes.  
I prop myself up on my elbows to I can look
down at him, watch him sleeping.  I wonder...
how did we get here?  I mean, not just tonight,
but in our lives.  I think back, trying to remember
when it all started.  
I think it was right after our trip to Las Vegas a 
couple of years ago.  At least, that's when it 
started for John.  Seeing Susanne again after
all those years, finding the love of his life had
moved on and found someone else.  The realization
that he had wasted nearly ten years pining for her
when she was smart enough to move on.  That must
have hit him hard.  Even when we sent her on her
way, when she gave him the ring and told him 
'someday,' I think they both knew they would never
be able to be together.  After too many close calls
whenever they met, we all knew that they were 
just doomed.  
It was after we got home from that trip that I 
started noticing John acting different around
me;  touching me more, moving closer when we
talked, spending more time alone with me.  I 
guess I didn't really read into it too much;  I'd
never had much luck with relationships, and had
never had one with another man.  So, I took his
change in demeanor in stride.  
Eventually we became closer, more intimate, and
this led to that, that led to sex.  I have to admit,
it was weird for both of us, waking up in bed
together the next morning and realizing what
had happened, what we'd done.  It was a few
days before we could even talk to each other
without getting awkward and uncomfortable.
But eventually we got close again, leading to
more intimate nights.  
For a while, I wondered if what had happened
in Vegas, seeing Susanne again, had awakened
a need in him, a need for companionship.  I 
wondered if I was just acting as a substitute
for Susanne in his life.  (Well, we *are* both
blond...)  
Whatever it was, I gave into him.  Oh, he wasn't
forceful or demanding;  in fact, he was still quite
timid about our growing intimacy for almost the
first full year.  But I guess I still felt strange,
like I was giving into the knowledge that I wasn't
getting anywhere with love in any other facet.
It took me a while to realize how much I really
did love him;  he is beautiful, passionate, loving,
and very protective.  But...did he love me?  Or
was I just a convenient partner, the next-best-
thing?  
This is what keeps me awake at night sometimes.
I watch him sleep, undisturbed by uncertainties
of whatever it is that we have.  We sleep together,
enjoying the closeness of another person.  We
fulfill our sexual desires, we give each other
a welcoming shoulder to cry on when we have
our worst nightmares.  
Still, I can't help but wonder sometimes if we
really do love each other.  But then...
He stirs quietly, sighing deeply, then turns to
face me.  Blinking to adjust to the darkness and
to focus, he sees me looking down on him.
"What's the matter?" he mumbles sleepily.
"Nothing."
He keeps looking at me, studying my face and
trying to read my mind.  "Can't sleep?"
I shrug a little, as much as my current position
allows.  "Not really."
He closes his eyes, contemplating.  With a warm
little smile, he reaches his arm under me, wrapping
around my back and gently pulling me closer,  "Come
here," he whispers.
I obey, scooting closer.  I lay my head on his chest,
draping my arm across his stomach.  I feel his hand
rub across my back smoothly, the warm friction of
the cotton t-shirt on my skin.  
I feel his lips press against the top of my head for
a moment before he lays back, relaxing.  
"Go to sleep," he tells me.
'I can now', I think.  'I love you too, John.'

--end--