Blair called out, "Hey Jim, did you know that if you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee." Blair thought to himself, it hardly seems worth it!
Jim said, "Blair, we need to tell Simon about this, don't we?"
Blair smiled as he asked, "Oh gross, Jim guess what? The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet. Who fucking knew?"
Blair started laughing and said, "Hot damn, Jim, a pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes." And Blair thought to himself, in my next life I want to be a pig!
Blair said, "Now Jim how do you suppose they figured out exactly how long this lasted? Do you suppose some guy had to shove his dick into the pig to see how long it did spasm? Hey, this is stuff I think about sometimes. I can't help it."
Blair called out, "Yo Jim, banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour." He started banging his head against the wall saying, "I'm still in shock over the pig news. I need to work off more calories."
Jim grabbed his head and held it close and said, "Enough is enough Chief. No more banging your head on the wall. You don't need to lose any weight or brain cells."
Blair kissed Jim and then said, "Hey Jim did you know, a cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death?"
Jim made a face and said, "Chief, that's gross."
Blair answered, "Once again, Jim, I'm wondering who the hell wandered around following this poor sick, headless bug and waited for it to finally starve to death? And how do they know it was starvation? Stop laughing, Jim."
Blair laughing too, said, "Yo Jim, the male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the males head off."
Jim started laughing very vigorously and said, "Now this gives a whole new meaning to Sandburg bit my head off today. Doesn't it?"
Blair laughed with him and said," Okay, Jim, vote on this one, some lions mate over 50 times a day. In my next life I still want to be a pig...quality over quantity! What do you think, big man?"
Jim said while smiling, "Chief, I don't know, because it is hard to think about something I know I'll never be familiar with. Sad, but true."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, elephants are the only animals that can't jump. Wouldn't this be one for the stupid elephant jokes?"
Jim answered, "No, it would be a stupid human trick, lets watch the human try to get the huge elephant to jump." DUH
"Oh good one, big man." Blair said, "Hey Jim, a cat's urine glows under a black light. Did we really need to know that?"
"Okay Chief," Jim said, "I'm getting the hang of this. Who follows that cat around and sees what it is doing, and carries a black light around with them just in case?"
"Way to go, hot shot." Blair said laughing.
Blair yelled out, "Hey Jim, Polar bears are left handed."
And Jim answered, "Who fucking cares?" Jim found himself having a very good time. If nothing else, Blair was teaching him to enjoy life more.
Blair added, "Hey Jim, humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. What about the pig? Not to mention the damn lion. Holy shit 50 times a day. You have to say it is for pleasure. I mean, no damn lion is going to do it 50 times just because something in nature says do it. Right? I mean he is the king of the jungle; he wouldn't do it just because. I believe it is probably a good time for him and the pig. Holy shit, maybe we should get the two together."
"Chief," Jim said, "I should have seen that one coming, but I didn't. Oh man, do you believe we are talking about orgasm's and I just said, seen that one coming in the same sentence?"
Blair being pulled into Jim's arms said, "Hey Jim, what are you doing man, we have to go to work in an hour? Okay, I'll give in, only because I keep thinking about the damn lion and the pig."
Jim said while kissing him, "I hope you won't be disappointed because I can't make you orgasm for 30 minutes."
Blair kissed him back and said, "Hey Jim, fuck me senseless, that shouldn't take too long, my brain has already gone south."
Later on that night, Blair decided he needed to drive Jim nuts once again. It was just too easy.
Blair said, "Hey Jim, how come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? Wouldn't you think he would be able to take a little gun in the head or chest? And speaking of Superman do you think he could keep it up for hours and hours. Man, he could be with that pig I was telling you about. Oh yeah, that was 30 minute orgasms."
Okay, Chief, now you've done it, Jim said, "Just thinking about it makes me hard. One-track mind. Why are you asking me this dumb assed question this early in the morning? And are you complaining about how long I can keep it up?" Jim thought to himself, shit, I thought things were good with us.
Blair glared at Jim and answered, "Jim, you know that you keep it up just fine for me. So stop worrying about it right now. Remember, this is supposed to make you smile and laugh."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, Why is it called a Hamburger, when it's made out of Beef? I wonder if there really is beef in a hamburger at all, or if it is just fillers. Or maybe it could be from all the heads of the damn cockroaches that I told you about. Jim, sorry man, I didn't mean to make you throw up. You're a cop; I figured you could take anything. Who Knew? Here is a paper towel, wipe your mouth off, you big wuss."
Scowling, Jim said, "Hey Blair, are you trying to make me nuts, because you are in serious danger here. I am ready to strangle you. That was the grossest thing you have ever said, shit. And I'm not a big wuss."
Blair said, "Jim, what would a chair look like, if your knees bent the other way? Lets see if I can get my body to bend that way. Jim, come on, try and see if you can see the humor in this one. Is that a smile on your face?"
Jim trying not to laugh, said, "Hey Blair, yes, that is a smile, you always make me smile when you try to bend your body in new ways. Yeah, bend more that way, hot stuff."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, why is Lemon Juice mostly artificial ingredients.... but Dish Washing Liquid contains real lemons? I guess that they want our dishes to have better taste than our food. Actually maybe they already do. Okay, I'll stop making fun of dinner last night. Really Jim, it was good, really." Blair thought, geez, what a sap.
Jim growled as he said, "Hey Blair, see if I cook for you anymore. Wonderburgers for dinner tonight."
Blair asked, "Hey Jim, how much deeper would the ocean be, if sponges didn't grow in it? Or maybe we could change that to, wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if we took all the mob guys out of the bottom. Those cement shoes weigh a ton. Okay, mob humor is not that funny. Sorry."
Jim shook his head as he said, "Hey Blair, I hate Mob humor."
Blair has to share more with Jim as he said, "Hey Jim, why do we wait until a Pig is dead, to 'Cure' it? Do you believe that someone would want to eat pork after they heard about those wonderful orgasms? Show a little respect, admiration and plain old jealousy. Boycott pork. Oh don't panic, I don't mean that kind, big man."
Jim smiled as he said, "Hey Blair, okay, that one is pretty funny. I love when you make me smile and feel warm all over. Come here and let me show you how warm I can make you feel. Are you ever going to stop talking about that damn pig orgasm in the bullpen?"
Blair started laughing as he answered, "Nope, big man, those guys love that pig talk."
Blair seriously asked, "Hey Jim, why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle? You know I asked my Mom this when I was in grade school. No one ever had an answer for me."
Jim said, "Hey Blair, I would have thought you would have been explaining to everyone by the age of five."
Blair asked, "Hey Jim, if someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? I bet you have had to deal with this one, eh big man? I meant with suspects and stuff. Not you at all."
Jim tried not to laugh as he said, "Hey Blair, fuck you. Oh that must have been one of those other personalities."
Blair said with a sultry tone, "Hey Jim, I'd love for you to fuck me."
Jim answered, "Later, Chief, later."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure? Man, I love this one. This is so 'you' Jim."
Jim yelled, "Hey Blair, fuck you again. It is not 'so' me. It is 'so' not me. More Simon I think."
Blair chuckled as he said, "Good one, big man."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?"
Jim smiled with an evil grin as he said, "Hey Blair, as long as you aren't there, anywhere. Pouting doesn't always work, Sandburg."
Blair asked with all seriousness, "Hey Jim, why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? I think that someone should bring this up. This would make sense to even me."
Jim said with not much seriousness, "Hey Blair, why don't they just make it out of the damn heads from the fucking cock roaches? Or better yet some of the damn pigs."
"Jesus, Jim." Blair said, "I can't believe you would think of using those magnificent pigs for anything like that."
"Get a grip, Sandburg." Jim said, "You know I am joking."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, what should you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant? Good question, eh, big guy? Now come up with an answer and I will do anything you want."
Jim answered, "Hey Blair, I say let the better and stronger one live. This is nature, Sandburg, got to have something die now and then. Oh get that look off your face. You know I am kidding. Now who is the wuss?"
Blair ignored Jim's last remark and said, "Hey Jim, would a fly that loses its wings be called a walk or a crawl? Man, this is right up there with the cockroach story."
Jim said quickly, "Hey Blair, that is no where near the cockroach story. Not even close, babe."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, if a Sentinel speaks in the forest and there is no Guide to hear him, is he still wrong? Damn right he is."
Jim glared at him as he said, "Hey Blair, fuck you again. You can be such an asshole sometimes."
Blair asked, "Well, am I right or not?"
Jim tried not to smile as he said, "Usually."
Blair said, "Hey Jim, then I'm right."
Jim said, "Hey Chief, how would you like to show me how right you are."
Blair said, "Later, Jim. I want to finish reading this stuff."
Jim said with a pout on his lips, "Fine, just see if I let you do your thing when you want to later on."
Blair smiled and said, "Hey Jim, if a cop arrests a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? How many times have you heard that one, big man?"
Jim smiled as he said, "Hey Blair, I can't wait till you have to use this line and we can all laugh at you."
Blair smiled over at Jim and said, "Hey Jim, want to go upstairs and make like the lions do?"
Jim answered, "Hey Blair, I don't know if I can do it 50 times, but hey I am not superman. But by the same token, you aren't like a pig either, I don't feel a 30-minute orgasm when you come. So I think we both have heard enough about this.
Blair said, "Hey Jim, I love you, big man."
Jim smiled as he said, "Hey Blair, prove it, my main man."