July 25th, 2000

Well, this is tomorrow and I have to know how you are feeling. It's as simple as that. While at work today I fooled everyone. I laughed when it was called for. I smiled when that was called for. I was acting just like I should be. No one knew that I was dying inside. Well, at least that is what I thought.

Conner came and asked me to lunch and would not take no for an answer. I figured, what the hell. Might break up the day. I am not a nice guy sometimes. I know this. I am aware and will try to work on it. But right now, all I can think about is you and losing you. We went to Wonderburger for a change and she didn't say she was going to tell you or anything.

She was being really nice to me, actually and then I got worried. I turned to her and said, "All right, what is up, " She just smiled and said, "is there a law against being nice to a good friend?" I just stood there with my mouth hanging open. She smiled and began telling me she knew that I was worried about you, and that there was no need to. Other than the usual cop reasons. I still just watched her. She told me how she couldn't say anymore, but wanted me to know that you were okay, and were missing me too. This really wasn't as good as talking to you, but it was something. A drowning man will grasp at straws. Then to make me feel a lot better she left the bill for me to pay. Okay, it is working, I feel a little bit better. Conner is a good friend. I am hard on her, but I have to say she seems to be the only one that knew I was hurting. That I know of.

When I got home, I decided to make some great food for you. In case you do get home at a reasonable hour. And I stopped off and bought some good wine, everything was set. Everyone teases me about my cooking, but I know that you like some of the things I make. And Vegetarian Lasagna is one of your favorites. And I do know how to make that. I was so happy getting everything ready. When it all was finished and in the oven, I jumped in the shower. I was going to be ready for you. No matter what. Yes, on this note, I am dressing for you too.

It is two in the morning, still not home, but that is okay. Gives me time to work on this journal business. I know I said I hated it, but I don't. I just hate the poetry part. I like putting my thoughts where I can read them the next day, or maybe the next week. It was a great idea, as usual, chief. I miss you so much. But I am doing fine. And I know you are doing a great job. I just had to get used to you being on the force. This is all new to me too. Not just you. But I am getting the hang of it. Yes, your guy has finally started growing up. You will be so proud. :)

When I left for work, you were still not home. I am worried, but know that someone would have called if something were wrong. When I got to the bullpen, Simon called me into his office to tell me what a good job you were doing and thought he would share that with me. He also said that it was almost over. I had this huge smile on my face. And then he told me he was shocked that I was taking this so well. I think he is glad his friend is growing up too. Will wonders never cease?

Okay, I am sitting here tonight just waiting for you to get home. Simon said you would be here soon. Can't wait to get my hands on you. You are "so" in for it. I am going to fuck you till you are screaming my name for all of the neighbors to hear. Everyone will know you are mine and you belong to only me. Dinner is heating up, I am ready, and everything is set. Just waiting on you, babe. God, I miss you so much. I want you even more.

May as well do my stupid ass poem while I am waiting. I hate these damn things. How did I let you talk me into this? Geez, offer me sex and I will agree to anything, I guess.

Waiting

I will wait for you forever.
And making you leave, I would never.
I will wait this out.
Even if I did pout.
I am over it now.
I want to show you how.
Waiting for you is worth all this.
Waiting and hoping for that beautiful kiss.
I love you Blair, I need you more.
Waiting for you, the only one I adore.

Jim