May 10th, 2000
Dear J:
Do you believe it has been a month since I first made Jim see things my way? I can't believe it. I am having one of those days today where I am worrying over everything.
Jim has been acting very strange, well okay, stranger than usual. He is really quiet at work and doesn't seem to want to talk to anyone. Not just ignoring me, but also Simon, Rafe, Brown, Joel and Megan. I know something is wrong. Sex has been great, but something seems to be missing. It is scaring the shit out of me. I mean I hope that we didn't rush into anything. Isn't this the very thing that Jim tried to talk to me about before we slept together? I know, I know. He was right.
I should have listened because I can't take it if he leaves me or tells me that we are done. What is up with me, he is just having an off week? J, I am wondering how to approach this subject without totally scaring him off. You know how much he loves talking about things, right? Maybe I should let him just work things out in his head by himself and then be here if he needs me. Sounds good to you, eh?
There has been some major stuff going on at work, there is a serial killer loose, shock, shock. And Jim has been working 24/7 on this to help find him. His M.O. is preying on older people. So I am helping him profile this person. He is so into it that we haven't seen each other at the loft for like 5 days. I miss him. I can tell he misses me too. That makes me smile. And when he sees that he smiles also.
Together with Rafe and Brown, we have figured out who this person is and are setting a trap for him right now. Life is never dull around Major Crimes. Looks like we might be able to clear this up in the next day or so. Hot damn, maybe we will get a day off. Things went well, the bust is over, and they got him. Jim said that is was partly due to my profiling this sicko. I guess I have a natural talent for that. That is what they tell me anyhow. I am glad it is over with. What a way to start out my first two weeks in MC. I asked everyone if they want to come to the loft and have some dinner and drinks. I almost got stampeded as they headed for the parking garage. I take that as a yes. Jim is looking at me strangely and I realized I never even asked him if he felt like company. Man, sometimes I just don't know what the hell I'm doing. He looks confused and just a little bit angry. We'll see what happens.
Dinner and drinks went well, they all had a good time. I was laughing and having a good time, but not Jim. Something is wrong; I am getting a pain in my stomach. This is scaring me big time. Everyone is leaving and for a change I am glad because I have to talk to Jim and see what is wrong. I have to try to fix it. If he leaves me I will die. We ended up talking about it for about two hours. He is confused; hence the look on his face was real. Anyhow, he is confused about where our friendship is now. Being lovers makes things a lot different, not to me, but to him. He says he doesn't know how much he should touch or talk to me at work because he doesn't want me to have to take the fallout for his actions.
Wow, Jim is way, way to protective. This never even occurred to me. Shows you what I was thinking about. Well, we decided that when we have friends over we should be able to do whatever we want, if they don't like it they cannot come over anymore. Simple as that. As far as work, I think that we should keep it cool. I don't want either of us catching a lot of slack for this. I moved close to him and slipped my arms around his waist and snuggled up close to him. And he hugged me so hard, I almost lost my breath. Yes sir folks, he is in love. He was afraid that things would change too much and I would leave him. Like this would ever happen. We started kissing and I asked him if we could take it upstairs and we did. He is a very good lover. I won't say anymore. I always feel like I am bragging. Well, okay, if you must know, he was fucking me so slow that I could hardly think straight. I seem to use that term a lot. Straight, I mean. I was begging by the time he got around to the good part. He loves when I beg. I don't mind it either. He makes me feel so good each and every single time. It always gets better. I hope we will feel like this forever.
Okay, J, I know I have to do a poem, but I am getting bored. So I will try, but not promising anything good. Actually this is not like a shock to you I am sure. Guess what J? I asked Jim if he wanted to start keeping a Journal, because they really help with emotions and thoughts. And he said he was not adverse to the idea. Will wonders never cease? Hot damn, I am truly in heaven. And I love it.
Some have said he looks like a God.
I happen to agree.
He is not only strong and sexy.
But he is life to me.
I am so in love with him, it is very frightening.
I don't know why, but he scares me a lot.
This man means more to me than life itself.
So I have to give it my best shot.
He is kind, he is sweet.
I love him, I really love him.
I open up my arms and my heart.
I am so very glad you are mine, Jim.
BS