The john kisses my shoulder and says, "You're a pretty boy. You look me up
if you're ever in Omaha."
The money crinkles as he puts on the table. I look to make sure that's I'm
not being cheated, but it's all there. Yeah, here I am and with everything I
know, everything Spender made me, I'm still a whore. It's not what I want. I
hate it. Hate myself for this, but there's a price on my head and I need the
money to stay alive. I'm good at pretending, good at the lie. I pretend it
all so funny that they want me so bad...
The room is mine for a few more hours after he leaves. The shower is clean
and the bed's decent. It's good when they rent a decent room; good when it's
some place that won't kick me out when the john leaves.
I close my eyes and try to rest, but the traffic roars in my ears. I toss
and turn, wishing I had just one cool blue downer left to help ease the
yellow jacket buzzing out of my system.
Still, I knew better. I was using the drugs. I wasn't going to let them use
me: Geraldine Kallenchuck could see right through me. I couldn't let her see
my hands shake. She wasn't the kind of person to whom you wanted to show any
weakness. Never let them see you're bleeding.
However, Geraldine had a couple advantages to negotiating on my own. One was
that she had connections. The other was that she was not a wanted woman. I'm
a wanted man. Everybody wants you. Yeah, right, Alex, everybody wants you.
I'm red eyed and shaking. I don't want him to see me this way. I feel like
laughing because there's murder in his eyes and what do I think? He wants me
to be a pretty corpse?
Back out that window, I feel taken by the night. I can hear a gunshot and
I'm afraid for him in one way. In another, I don't worry. He's Mulder and
the script says heroes don't die. I'm a rat in the alley, spending my time
on the run.
There's a neon light flickering on the wall, on/off, on/off. My face is
buried on my forearm, my naked legs spread. I can hear his grunts coming
faster and I push back to urge him on. His hands dig into my hips and I hear
his wet whisper in my ear, "Oh baby, baby, you're so good."
Bile raises in my throat as he rides me hard to his finish. I wait for him
to leave as I rip open little packages of hand cleaners I rip off from fast
food joints. I'm never going to feel anything but the taint of their hands
on me. It's just a bad habit keeping alive.
It's over before I even fully understand that it's Mulder. He's left me
bleeding again. Tears burn in my eyes and I tell myself it's the pain. Feels
like he broke some ribs again. His knee digs into my groin, sliding between
my legs and my body starts to yield to him like he's one of them. I can see
it his eyes that he's tempted. His hands are bruising where they hold me
tight. But as the heat reaches incandescence, he pushes away from me and I
sag like a puppet when someone cuts the strings. What you do to me, Mulder.
What you do to me.
"Clean yourself up," Mulder orders. He doesn't trust himself to go in with
me. Is he afraid he'll kill me? Or something else? He still wants me. We'll
never get away from each other. Mulder, that's the way it is. Your father
would have told you if I had let him. You never get free. Should have let
him ruin you and bring you inside. Should have let them give you to
me...should have brought you down.
It feels like I'm dying. It feels like I'm drowning. It's sinking deeper
inside and it's cold, so cold. It feels like Novocain. It's taking me down
and I look in the mirror as it rides me and see the black hell in my eyes.
My face is calm. It walks out the door as I'm screaming inside.
On the airplane, we had both been silent. The alien inside of me...that
thought had me gibbering... didn't understand or care about human
conventions. Now, we got in the car and Mulder sits at the wheel, twisting
his hands on the smooth plastic. He's looking at me, really looking at me
for the first time. I think he sees it and there's part of me that believes
he can fix it.
"You never realize what you do to yourself," Mulder said. The elegant grace
of his hands sweeps over the ragged cut of his hair. "How the hell did I
fall for you?"
I can hear the words and the weariness beneath the numbness of my rider. I
want to look at him. I want him to see me here trapped. The alien continues
to stare out the window. It hardly notices the pain. It doesn't notice that
I'm hungry and I'm aching. It doesn't acknowledge the agony in Mulder's
words.
My rider won't let me answer and I can see out of the corner of my eyes. A
wry grimace of a smile flickers over his face. "Yeah, I thought so. It's not
even worth a conversation to you, is it, Krycek? Every bit of it was a lie."
He finally wants to talk about who we were and I'm crying inside but the
alien doesn't give a damn.
It's throwing it away, throwing it all away.
"Everybody Wants You" by Billy Squier
You see 'em comin' at you every night
You crave attention, you can never say no
Everybody knows you
Nights of confusion and impossible dreams
Everybody Wants You
by Ursula
I'm just undercover; it's all a disguise. I tell myself that when I'm
kneeling in some dark alley with a dick down my throat. I'm
dangerous...everyone wants me. Lying on my face, making sexy noises with
some john riding in my ass. I tell myself it's going change. He finishes
with a squeal and stays on top of me, drooling down my shoulder. I'm feeling
sick and think I'm going to throw up if he doesn't leave soon.
'Oh, Christ, it's Mulder...'
Strung on pretension, they fall for you at first sight
You know their business, you think it's a bore
They make you restless, it's nothing you ain't seen before.
Get around town, spend your time on the run
You never let down, say you do it for fun
Never miss a play, though you make quite a few
You give it all away—Everybody Wants You.
Throw your affections any way the wind blows
You always make it, you're on top of the scene
You sell the copy like the cover of a magazine.
Puttin' on the eyes till there's nobody else
You never realize what you do to yourself
The things that they see make the daily reviews
You never get free—Everybody Wants You.
Everybody shows you
Everybody needs you, leads you, bleeds you.
Days at the mirror patchin' up around the seams
You got your glory, you paid for it all
You take your pension in loneliness and alcohol.
Say goodbye to conventional ways
You can't escape the hours, you lose track of the days
The more you understand seems the more like you do
You never get away—Everybody Wants You.
