I had laughed and chased him. I could see his tracks in the new snow as he ran.
I was faster and he wasn't really trying. We tumbled down together and I lay
over him, his hands captured and pinned to the ground. I had a snowball ready to
rub on his face, but instead I kissed him again. Again.
I couldn't stop until I realized he was shivering beneath me. I gave him my hand
and pulled him to his feet only to kiss him again. We walked up the stairs in
the golden glow of the entrance light. He looked so young and his eyes seemed
enormous in the shining face. His lips were rosy with cold; the tip of his nose
was red. Alex...
The last time we came here it was spring. Cherry blossoms had replaced the snow.
The petals drifted, spinning in an idle breeze as if they would hover like dust
motes in the air. If you'd asked me then...if you asked me now, I'd say, if ever
I could have stopped and stayed in one moment of my life, I'd have stayed right
there.
And here I am again...
I fled it all, my fame, my exoneration, and my life with Scully. There's that
proverb about 'Be careful what you wish for because you might get it.' I did and
it wasn't me, wasn't enough, or was too much. I couldn't breathe. I felt
trapped. Maybe if things were different. If I had been different, not so full of
sharp edges...
The last thing I wanted was to hurt Dana. I tried so hard not to rip her; so,
instead, I watched my sharp edges become ground glass. I knew I was making her
bleed inside. I didn't like the man I was becoming.
So I ran. I did it in a civilized manner, all too like the way my parents
divorced. It was smooth on the surface...a lecture series that involved a year
of travel. Then, I was offered a visiting professor status at Oxford. Scully had
her career and she said she felt William was too young to travel. When she told
me there was someone else, I managed to be jealous and then noble. All in all, I
felt relief. That was Scully. She did the dirty work and I was free.
So here I was. I had been standing in the lobby long enough to be asked three
times if I needed assistance. I finally walked to the desk and registered. It
was the same room we'd had; the last time he was Alex to me, the last time we
made love. Everything after he left...was a dance of hate and lust. Everything I
felt was acid- tinged. Here was the last place we had been happy.
I prided myself that I had grown beyond illusions, but I was here and he was
where?
Dead according to what I had seen, but I never really believed it. Walter
wouldn't have done it like that. I also think I would have felt either relief
because I was free of him, or despair like an obsidian knife cutting my heart
from my chest.
When I didn't want to be alone with my thoughts anymore, I went back downstairs
to the bar. I didn't want company, yet could not bear to be alone. New York is
the perfect place for that. Maybe that's why I came here and it had nothing to
do with spring, nothing to do with cherry blossoms falling like snow. I remember
that one petal fell across his lips as we kissed beneath the tree. The blossom
was no softer than his mouth, no sweeter than that kiss.
My life is filled with ghosts and memories. I always remember the haunting
glimpse of diamond tears trailing down his pale face and the rust of blood
smearing across his forehead.
I ordered a drink and then another. The alcohol numbed my taste buds, stung my
nose, and made my eyes water. It couldn't numb the pain in my heart and the
emptiness in my soul. Why did I live? Why couldn't I have died with my friends
and my lover?
I heard his voice from across the room. I refused to turn. I had fooled myself
before, conjured him from my need. Then I heard him laugh, that throaty purr of
a sound and I was lost. I grabbed the bar to keep from falling, closed my eyes,
and lowered my head, fighting the fear that it wasn't him after all.
"Mulder?" Alex said.
Now, I looked. It was he. There was some white now in his sideburns. Perhaps
there were new lines around his eyes, but he still had all his power over me. I
dropped the scotch tumbler, knocked the stool over as I scrambled to get to him.
My hand reached for him and he stepped backed with a flinch.
"I didn't expect to see you here," Alex said.
"Then why did you come?" I asked.
"I was the one that suggested this place. It was mine before it was ours," Alex
replied, his voice edged with anger. "Don't think I missed you. I'm not
nostalgic for what should never have been."
My hand still hovered in the air, not touching him, but not withdrawing.
"Don't make a scene, Mulder, it's over. I've been out of your life for a long
time. I'm too old to be your punching bag or pillow boy anymore," Alex said. He
looked at me as if there was more to be said, but ended by shrugging his
shoulders. He said, "I'm checking out, Mulder. I won't come here again."
Politeness said that I should let him go. I should be reasonable, as I was the
one who'd kept telling him it was over.
Instead I dropped some money on the counter and hurried after him. He looked at
me with scorn and said, "Mulder, give it up. Where's Scully anyway? You bring
her here to our place?"
"We aren't together," I replied. We were blocking the doorway so I took his
right arm and led him into the lobby. I felt the easy way he allowed me to guide
him out and I could not let go of him.
"Why the hell did you leave her? Or did she come to her senses and dump you?"
Alex snapped.
"I think we left each other. It took a while to set in, but we were both in love
with other men. I was in love with you and Scully was in love with a me that
never was and never could be," I said.
Looking down, Alex shook his head and said, "Well, I'm sorry. I really am. You
two went through so much together. You should have..."
It must have finally sunk in because he froze in mid-sentence despite the fact
that he was always so good with words. He stared at me and said, "What did you
say?" He laughed uncertainly and said, "That's funny. I almost thought you said
that you were in love with me." He went to the coat check and claimed a leather
jacket. It was well tailored, perfect for an upscale Greenwich casual. I had my
own brown leather version of the same jacket. I had never worn one before the
first time I saw Alex in his.
"I want to walk," Alex said.
"That's a good idea," I said, shrugging on my jacket. He didn't fight the way I
guided his jacket on for him, tugging it over the less mobile left limb.
I claimed his arm again. He stared at me, but let it go. We used to walk this
way together when we came here for long weekends. I always liked to touch him,
to feel as if everyone knew he was mine. Our feet took us to the park. There
were clouds gathering in the sky, drifting slowly over the full moon.
"What's the idea, Mulder?" Alex asked as we reached the old cherry tree.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"As in—what game are we playing now?" Alex demanded.
"None. Why would it bother you if we were?" I asked. "You never played by the
rules."
"Christ, Mulder, what do you want from me? I paid my dues. I fucking died for
you!" Alex said.
"Alex, what the hell are you talking about? That scene in the basement?" I
asked. "You think that was what I wanted?"
"Yeah, I do," Alex said. He tried to pull free of my hand, but I made a move and
pinned him to the sturdy trunk of the tree.
Cherry blossoms shimmered over us, catching in his hair. I shivered as a breeze
brought with it the first drops of spring rain. He looked downward, always one
of his best angles. His eyelashes were silver with moisture. Was it the rain or
was he crying? He'd never admit the latter if he were.
My hand traced the moisture from his face then tilted his chin. I leaned into
him, remembering how well we fit together. More rain blew onto us and Alex said,
"We're going to catch our death of this, Mulder."
"All right with me," I said, "if that's the only way you'll stay."
"With everything between us..." Alex said.
"There's nothing I can't accept," I promised.
"Yeah, well, that's right now. When you have what you want, maybe those memories
will be all too clear," Alex said.
He tried to push me away. I think if he really wanted to break free that he
could have done it. I pressed back and moved quickly to kiss him. He could have
turned his head away. He didn't have to open his lips. I could feel his sigh as
it moved between us. My hand stroked his face, moved back to caress his hair.
When we had to stop for air, he bowed his head and rested his face in the crook
of my neck. He draped over me, sweet and warm as he used to be.
Wearily, Alex asked again, not very loud as if the question might be as much for
him as for me. "What do you want?"
"I want you. There's nothing left but that, Alex. Everything else is over. Dana
is happy, happier without me. We did what we had to do and now we're free. Let
it go, Alex, let it go. The world took what it needed from us. We played the
roles we had to play. Now, we're like ghosts together. I think if we walked
through the city, people would see right through us. You're the only real thing
left in my life," I said. I lifted his hand to my mouth and kissed his knuckles,
unfolded his fingers from the fist knotted against the pain we always brought to
each other. He let me, his open hand trembling in mine as I finally kissed the
palm.
Stepping away, I stood waiting. Actually, I was thinking of that old T-shirt
saying, the one about 'If you loved something set it free. It will come back to
you.' I always liked better the version about 'hunting it down and killing it.'
With Alex, I think I would have changed that to humane trapping. We'd been there
and done the other idea. It sure the hell didn't do anything for me.
There was one of those long silences. He stared at me with those feral green
eyes. I was sure he would push by me and walk away. The weight of the past
settled on me. My shoulders slumped. My eyes closed. I guess I didn't want to
see him walk away.
His hand felt warm in mine. I opened my eyes and he was still standing in front
of me. I suppose my eyes asked the question because he said, "I think we're
crazy for trying again."
I smiled at that and said, "Yeah, well, no one ever said either of us were
sane."
His laugher sounded rich and caressing. I squeezed his fingers and then moved my
hand back to his arm.
Some things rust. Others are diamonds, stronger for age. Alex and I... we're
diamonds.
Diamonds and Rust
(Pollyanna said the version she knew was by Judas Priest. I only know
the original version by Joan Baez.)
I'll be damned; here comes your ghost again
Diamonds and Rust (The Ending Lyric Wheel)
by Ursula
I remember his cheeks were red with exertion when I finally caught up with him.
I had pressed him against a tree as I kissed him breathless. There was snow that
glittered like diamonds in his hair. The moon had been full and the night was
aglow with its soft light. I reached for the leaf rakishly dangling from the
side of his head. He smiled at me and darted away. A moment later, he bent and
threw a snowball catching me over my ear.
but that's not unusual
It's just that the moon is full
and you decided to come
And here I sit, hand on the telephone
hearing the voice I'd known
a couple of light years ago
headed straight for a fall
But we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
Yes we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
Now I see you standing with brown leaves
all around and snow in your hair
Now we're smiling out the window
of the crummy hotel over Washington Square
And then comes that white cloud,
mingles and hangs in the air
Speaking strictly for me
we both could've died then and there
Now you're telling me you're not nostalgic
then give me another word for it
You were so good with words
and at keeping things paid
because I need some of that vagueness now,
it's all come back too clearly
yes, I love you dearly
and if you're offering me diamonds and rust
I've already paid
But we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
Yes we both know what memories can bring
they bring Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
Diamonds, Diamonds and Rust
