Ursula-major chose Russia for her obligations. Russia was large and, hey, if they
didn't mind nuclear dumps, her waste should be no problem. "Ad ASTRA" she
mumbled, being fond of hard to translate Latin sayings.
Tunguska was a good spot although the Russian peasants she had eaten here lately
were all unsatisfactory; either they tasted funny and had worms or they only had
one arm. Ursula-Major had always been a sucker for a wing. Shrugging a few comets
out of her luxuriant fur, she stomped to a quarry and deposited her ten scents.
She scrambled away; not being the kind of creature who even thought their shit
didn't smell.
Yawning, she stared at the sky, thinking about the long trip back. She had an
itch and found a nice, scraggly tree, rubbing her mighty back against it until it
shattered like a tooth pick. She snickered; her liking for this area as a toilet
had resulted in hundreds of similar trees. Just the other day, she had listened
to a scrawny American explain how her marks were the result of a meteorite
plunging to Earth. Yeah, right. So she tripped, even an astrological symbol could
have a bad day.
Thinking about sleeping wasn't helping, Ursula-Major decided to take a nice walk,
see the sights, maybe scoop up a quivering hut and shake out a quivering woodsmen
or two.
Hmm, what was this? Russians running in every direction and a crackling fire with
some human sobbing beside it. Ursula-Major perambulated over to investigate. Oh,
Canis Major, it was another one-winged Russian. Ursula picked the creature up and
snuffled. Hmm, cooked meat on the one side, she did not care for cooked meat. She
sniffed again, noticing that the human had stopped screaming. He was cute. He was
cub like. Ursula-Major's long winter night brightened. She would make this pretty
green-eyed human her cub. So off she climbed with the brave human in paw.
So, a few nights later, she sat grooming her pet. He seemed content for the most
part, except for an occasional deep sigh. She heard one now and asked, "What can
I get you, sweet-ums?"
The Alex said, "Ah, Ursula-Major, mama bear dearest, would you mind very much not
calling me sweet-ums?"
"Okay, Sasha-bear, what ever you want." Ursula-Major replied, "Now what can I get
you? More of that green paper stuff? That bubbly water you like to drink? How
about a wonderful new gun?"
Sasha-bear blinked his flirtatious lashes and said, "I want Mulder."
Ursula-Major grumbled, 'Mulder, Mulder, Mulder, why not that cute bald grizzly
Skinner? Hey, a troupe of acrobats? That would be entertaining! Infinite
diversity in Infinite Combinations as my good Vulcan friend used to say."
Her little Sasha-bear quivered his lip in that way that she could not resist so
off she went to plumb Mulder's psyche, bringing along a plunger and a lithe metal
snake for this purpose.
Shortly after, having bent time and mangled space, just because, Ursula-Major
returned and found her Sasha-Bear getting Aries' goat for him. She frowned, as
the war god was posing like crazy, not a nice boy, that god! Sweetly,
Ursula-Major said, "Good news, I have it. Your beloved Mulder is autoerotic."
Sasha-bear's lip started to quiver again as he cried, "You mean there is no hope
for me."
Ursula-Bear withheld her paw, despite all that 'spare the claw, spoil the cub
stuff.' She instead whispered, because there were all these nosy, terminal humans
listening.
Alex's face lit up as he heard. "That's all it would have taken? No pretending to
be twenty in a bad suit? No leather boy and sadomasochistic mashing? No secrets
and black rocks? Just that?"
Ursula-Major nodded grandly and said, "Just that. Now, off you go, my pretty one,
have fun and be back by the next centennial."
Mulder was glumly wandering down the street when the most marvelous classic car
drove up and the horn honked. He looked the car up one side and down the next and
his cock swelled almost out of his jeans. He glanced behind the wheel. The car
was right, but what if the driver was old and hideous? No, it was his very dream.
Alex Krycek drove this great beauty. He leaped in the classic Mercedes and ripped
off his clothes as the car pulled into a discreet underground parking garage.
Naked, he wiggled his wonderful swimmer's ass for the taking, as he sunk his face
in the redolent, leather bound upholstery. "Take me, take me, test-drive me," he
cried.
Alex gleefully leapt into the back seat. Oh, yes, mama bear was right, Mulder WAS
auto-erotic!
The end.
The Big Bear
by Fan4Richie
Ursula-major was stomping through the night sky on her way to the woods because
it is so very true; the big bear does poop in the woods. She was grouchy because
it was midwinter and she still hadn't slept a wink. Plus, that grizzly stud for
whom she had fallen had proved to shoot blanks, which meant no cubs in the spring
and they were just the cutest things, weren't they?
