An unwanted memory of James approaches next. I suppose I should expect that,
since this is the first time since James I've been this attracted to a
guy(well, be honest Mulder, you did have a few one night stands, not that
they meant anything). Why? Why the hell am I attracted to this little green
agent in a bad suit, horrid tie and even more horrid haircut, who is just
rambling on and on and on...
Perhaps it's because I want to see that hair drenched in perspiration instead
of hair gel. Perhaps it's because I want to see what he looks like underneath
that god awful suit, and shut up his rambling with my demanding mouth. Fuck!
Why am thinking these things? I know I've been lonely since The X-Files was
shut down and Scully was sent to Quantico, but this is just ridiculous.
No, this is not going to happen again. I'm through with relationships and
something tells me he'd be far too difficult for just a one night stand.
Sorry junior, I'm not dealin' with you.
So I tell him I'll meet him downstairs. Yeah right. I don't care what it
takes, I'm going to keep my distance. With those wide eyed looks he's already
given me, the fucker is probably gay too. After he leaves, I put my head in
my hands and sigh heavily.
Just my luck
Bad date! Ditched him like some bad date. I honestly cannot believe his
choice of words. Agent Krycek, you are making it far too easy for me to
read into you. Then again, maybe that's what you want. I don't care, you
could wave your ass in my face as an offering for all I care, I'm not falling
this time.
What could I possibly get out of him? A fuck? Big deal..I've gone this long
without sex and it hasn't killed me yet. We're sitting in the car now, on our
way to Quantico. I stare at him out of the corner of my eye. His head is
ducked slightly but I can still see those eyes. God, those eyes..
Against my better judgment, my eyes travel down to glance at the rest of his
body. Very nice. He clears his throat, startling me and I avert my eyes
back to the road, my face flushing a little.
"See anything you like?" comes the teasing voice.
Goddamn motherfucker.
"I don't know what you're talking about, Agent Krycek," I snap back.
He snickers. "Suuure you don't."
Oh just shut up. I don't comment, and we pass the rest of the trip in
silence.
At Quantico, I have to keep from laughing as Scully completely shuns Krycek.
I know I'm being a complete asshole, but it's my defense mechanism. If I'm
not rude to him, I'll actually like him, and that I can't end up doing. He
almost throws up at the sight of the body, reminding me again of his
inexperience he is.
So much for avoiding him. Looks like we're gonna spend the rest of the day
together trying to solve this case. To make matters worse, he stays
practically on top of me all the time. While looking at the bulletin board,
he's so close I can smell his cologne. In the library..well this is it.
Almost my undoing. Our shoulders touching as he leans over to look the
monitor..I can feel the heat of his body. After this case, I'm going to
Skinner and requesting he be transferred somewhere else.
Now..back again in the car with Junior. Only now we are in gridlock on the
LIE. Perfect. I had just gotten off the phone with Scully..and now..silence
again.
"I'm really enjoying this case. It's interesting." He sounds so young and
eager that I have to roll my eyes...because I remember being that naive.
"It's the type of work I've always wanted to do at the Bureau, you know?
Unconventional."
I can see him looking at me, waiting for me to say something..anything. When
the hell did I become such an asshole?
"You know...you can say two words to me. It won't kill you." I ignore him
and switch on the radio, searching idly for a song and finally settling on
The Stones. 'Bitch'. James loved this song. Oh yeah Mulder..wonderful choice.
Caught up in my thoughts, I barely register Krycek's next words when he says
"Maybe I'm wrong..maybe it would kill you."
If you only knew, Alex..If you only knew.
We don't talk for the rest of the trip. When we get out of the car he grabs
my arm. "I'm sick of this, Mulder. If we're going to work together you're
going to have to talk to me."
I shake out of his grip. "Not now!" I snap, run off in search of Gerardi, and
he follows.
I'm running..I know I see Gerardi. Next thing I know, I'm waking up on the
ground with Krycek crouching over me. He tells me Gerardi never showed..but I
know he did. I know what I saw. Or maybe I'm finally going crazy.
We watch the surveillance tapes and so far see nothing.
"Can we talk for a second?" Alex asks. Here we go. He takes me aside.
"What's the problem?" I ask, irritated.
"You still haven't answered my question. What happened?"
"I told you, I thought I saw Gerardi."
"Come on, you just about killed somebody back there. We both know I'm
covering for you by keeping it between us."
God, he can be so fucking annoying.
"All right, what do you want to know?"
"I just want the truth. There are things you're not telling
me that I need to know."
No, trust me you don't want 'the truth'. You don't want to spend every hour
of your life searching for two words that you don't even know exist.
"It's just that my ideas usually aren't very popular."
"I told you, I want to believe. But I need a place to start."
'I want to believe.' Jesus, now the kid is quoting my fucking poster. That
he's never seen! Ten years ago, if something like that happened with James I
would've taken it as a sign..saying that it was 'meant to be.' I don't
believe in 'meant to be' anymore. Ok, you wanna believe Junior? Try this on
for size.
"I think that Cole possesses the psychic ability to manipulate
sounds and images to generate illusions that are so convincing they can kill.
How's that for a theory?"
"Puts a whole new spin on virtual reality but at least it
begins to explain some things."
Oh fuck off..don't give me for a second this bullshit that you don't think
I'm completely mental. The whole time, he stares at me. We're so close as we
talk and his eyes are so determined. How the hell could I wanna slap this kid
one minute and kiss him the next? I don't know if he really believes me or
not. The only thing I know is, his voice is like honey..and his words just
roll off his tongue and melt through my body.
The officer breaks my thoughts. "Agent Mulder, see this car in the upper
right corner?"
"Yeah."
"It wasn't there five minutes ago."
"Where is this?"
"Track 17. It's a restricted part of the yard."
On the move again.
We get to the abandoned part of the yard and spot Gerardi on the floor, shot.
He's alive though. I throw some orders at Krycek, then proceed to talk to
Cole.
"Step away from the edge. Corporal Cole, I'm a federal agent,
now please, step back."
"Go ahead, shoot me."
No, goddamn it.
"That's not why I'm here. I'm putting down my gun. I just want to talk to you
for a few minutes, after that, you're free to do whatever you want."
"I'm tired." His voice sounds lifeless..
"I know."
"Naw, man, you don't know. You have no idea."
I know that, too.
"One minute is all I'm asking."
"One minute is more than I can give. My blood's boilin' in my
veins. I can feel the air stingin' on my skin."
Jesus..
"What the military did to you was wrong, but your testimony
can help."
"They cut out a part of my brain. They made me into somebody
else. I can never get back what they took away from me, and I'm gonna stop
them from taking anything more."
Just then Alex walks in..gun in hand..aimed..oh fuck.
"Krycek, put down the gun and get out of here. Krycek, I said put down the
gun and get out of here!" Listen to me goddamn it!
He raises his gun..I look to Cole and see him holding out his
bible..Alex..what the fuck are you doing?
"NO!!!"
Two gun shots...I run to Cole.
"Good..night.." And he sleeps..
Alex is next to me..his eyes..frantic...his voice. "He had a gun..he was
gonna shoot you."
All I do is nod and say "You did the right thing." I can't be shitty to him
now..not when he has a horrified look in his eye. I instantly know this is
the first time he killed someone.
Shit.
I remember my first time. The nightmares that followed..the inner battle that
occurs inside your mind, that keeps you up at night..the struggle. All at
once I know..it's gonna be a long night. I help him up, he stumbles a little.
"Krycek..Krycek, listen to me." I try to get his attention by forcing him to
look at me. "You're right..he did have a gun..it's ok, pull it together."
He starts looking around frantically and I don't even know if he's heard me.
"If he had a gun, where is it?" He picks up the bible. "This is all there
is..this is what he had! And I killed him." His eyes are wild.
"Calm down, the police will be here any minute. I'll back you up. Just
relax!"
He laughs bitterly. "Why the hell would you back me up? This should be a
dream come true for you. The rookie agent fucks up and you have a way of
getting him discredited."
I look at him openly and let him read my emotions. "Because I know what this
is like. I know what you're feeling and no one deserves it."
I know he can see the honesty in my eyes and feel it in my words. I turn
around, silently instructing him to follow. I go to the car while Alex is
finishing up a few more questions for the cops. I feel under the seat where I
put the folder from my informant, only to find it missing. Why am I not
surprised?
Alex opens the passenger side door and gets in. He still looks far away and
shaken.
"We're going to stay in New York for the night."
"What? Why?" He asks, startled. Oh yeah..I know this behavior.
"You're in no condition to be traveling for hours. You need rest."
"Look you're not my mother, ok? I'm perfectly fine to just sit here."
"That's all well and fine, Krycek, but no."
"You really are an asshole."
"So I've been told."
Yeah, by myself, earlier.
We drive to a hotel and check in. The Bureau has a policy about same sex
agents sharing rooms. Cheap bastards. Well, we get two double beds, that's a
plus. Alex starts unpacking his bag. We knew there might've been a
possibility of staying over night.
As I walk out of the bathroom in my boxers, Alex is still dressed and half
way out the door. "Where they hell are you going?"
"Out."
What are we, 16 here?
"Out where?"
"If you must know, to the bar downstairs."
"Uh-uh, Krycek. No. Last thing I need is you getting drunk and me having to
baby-sit you."
He grabs his jacket and leans by the open door, leveling me with a dead pan
stare. "Fuck off, Mulder." The door slams behind him.
"That son of a bitch," I say under my breath. The next hour I spend sitting
on my bed, then pacing the room, over and over. I knew what I should be
doing-- going down there and cutting off his alcohol supply. But I don't.
"I'll give him five more minutes."
Five minutes come and go. I get up, throw on my jeans and a T-shirt and go
downstairs to find for him. Doesn't take long. There he is, completely
blasted at the bar, practically falling over. "Krycek, come on. Let's go," I
say, trying to gather him up.
"Had a gun...good night..gonna shoot you..goodnight." He bursts into
hysterical laughter. "Bible..Bible!"
It breaks my heart, watching him, hearing him. All at once I realize I
misjudged him. I based my read of him on my first impression: pathetic green,
yet beautiful, young agent. Underneath this offputting exterior, is a person
inside. An emotional, hurting person. "Let's go," I say again quietly and put
my arm around his shoulder to steady him.
In the elevator ride up, he's just as crazy and wild, rambling,
laughing..laughing to the point where it borders on sobbing. Sobbing..which
is what he really should be doing. We stumble into the room, he almost falls
down and I have to grab him around the waist to lift him back up.
"Fox Mulder..Spooky Mulder..brillant profiler..my partner..you're my partner!
I'm your partner! Who would of thought huh..yeah? dream...dream..what I
always wanted!" He was giggling and yelling.
"Alex, calm down. You're not making any sense." I start to undress him,
removing his jacket, trying to get him comfortable so he can go to bed.
"Ah yes..knew you'd eventually get the hint. Want you so bad. Undress me."
Holy shit.
"Krycek, you're drunk. Now, I'm undressing you and you're going to sleep."
He pushes me up against the door. "Not that drunk, Mulder." He molds his
mouth on to mine and tries to force his tongue inside. I push him away.
"I'm serious, Alex. You're drunk."
"Don't act like you don't want it. I know you do."
Yes, I do, but I don't want to.
He pushes up against me again and takes my mouth. God damn you, for making me
want you. I pull away. "You want it, huh?" I nip at his jaw. "You wanna drown
yourself in sex and alcohol? Fine." And I kiss him, tear at his clothing as
he tears at mine. I can't have it gentle and I know that. Gentle would mean
feeling and feeling is not what I have in me right now. To feel would be to
actually care about him and I can't do that. I run my hands up and down his
now shirtless back, clawing at it. Yes, I'm in control tonight. And I want it
hard, want to pound into him, want to wipe away feelings.
I unbutton his pants, let them fall around his ankles, put my hand between
his legs, squeezing his inner thigh..his groin. He tugs at my jeans. I'm
amazed that he's able to get the zipper down in his still inebriated state.
We leave our shirts, pants, and shoes by the door and move to the bed
sporting only boxers and socks.
We fall onto the bed and rub against each other frantically. I move my hand
down his boxers and start to take them off. I then slide down his body,
licking his skin all the way to his belly, suck his cock for a bit while he
thrashes, then take the boxers all the way off and proceed to remove my own.
I settle back down on his body again and bite his neck while he moans.
Suddenly he's turned totally submissive and gentle, arching his neck back,
touching me lightly.
No, I can't handle gentle. I don't want to make love to you, I want to fuck
you.
"Oh Fox..yes Fox.."
NO!
I grip his neck tightly with one hand and watch him tense and freeze. "Don't
call me that, do you hear me?" He swallows and nods. I release his throat and
can see the red marks. After James, I only had a few one night stands with
men and never let them use my first name. I just..couldn't handle that. "And
shut up."
"What?"
"Shut up..I don't like talking during sex." If I was Pinocchio my nose
would've grown ten feet. I love talking during sex..especially with men. I
used to love hearing James pant my name. He looks at me like he's trying to
figure me out. I see his face go blank and he lets his head fall back again.
I suck his neck then travel down to his nipples and I can almost hear his
teeth grinding together as he attempts to keep quiet. My 'no talking' plan
doesn't do any good anyway since he is still making these soft sweet moans.
As I take his cock in my mouth again, he breaks. "Do me..god..do me Mulder."
"Shut up, fucker," I growl and start to get up to look for some sort of lube.
"In the drawer," he says, holding me down onto him. I look at him
questioningly and open the bedside drawer. I find a tube of Astroglide and
Trojans. "You were feeling lucky?"
He doesn't say anything, just spreads his legs. "Turn over," I say and he
listens. Good, because I can't look at your innocent face.
I slide my tongue up and down his back a couple of times before moving to his
ass, licking and kissing the flesh..finally pushing my tongue inside his pink
hole. He gasps loudly and moans. His reaction is very intense and I instantly
think 'is it possible no one has ever done this to him?' Jesus, how could
someone not? This ass practically begs for a rimming. I explore inside him
for a bit before withdrawing to put on the condom and lather up my cock with
lube.
I push into him slowly at first, letting him open to me. Once he gets a
little more comfortable I dive all the way in and start moving. I'm pressing
him into the mattress and he's struggling for breath, quietly panting 'yes'
under his breath. I fuck him without reservation or worry. I can see his hand
moving as he frantically works his cock. I bite his shoulder as I come, lest
I call out his name in my delirium.
"Uhhh.." Comes from Alex as he lets go. I don't move for a minute after it's
over, I just stay still, holding myself up on either side of him. I take a
breath and withdraw from his body, holding the condom tightly, take it off
and throw it in the trash. I move over and settle to the left of Alex on my
back, our bodies not touching. He's still on his stomach but after a few
minutes rolls slightly onto his side facing me. "Are you always this cold?"
These words stun me. Never, had I ever expected to be called that. And
especially not in bed of all places. But it's true. That's exactly the way I
was with him. It's the way I wanted to be. So why does it hurt so much now
that he said it? With tears brimming in my eyes I get out of bed and walk
into the bathroom. Looking at my reflection, I hardly recognize myself. I've
been burnt so many times that I'm making myself do things to Alex that I
hated having done to myself. I turn on the shower and get under the hot
spray.
I run my fingers through my hair as the water washes the dried sweat off my
body. A few seconds later, I hear the shower door open and a warm body next
to me. "I'm sorry," he says. "I shouldn't have said that." I don't say
anything, just reach for the soap.
"Hey.." He turns me around. "I'm sorry."
I nod, not sure what I want to say. I don't want to accept his apology
because my mind knows that he has nothing to be sorry about.
"And I just want to say thank you.."
"It was just a fuck," I cut him off and begin to wash my chest.
"Yes, but I was going to say, thank you for the way you were with me..about
Cole."
I look at him sincerely. "What you're feeling is normal."
"Yeah?"
"Yes."
His eyes actually lighten a little and I think he believes me. "So uh, was
that a mercy fuck or what?" Alex inquires
"Honestly? I don't know what the hell that was." He laughs and I marvel at
the sound. His laugh just floods me with warmth. "Seriously though..I've
never been..like that..."
"Well, glad to bring out the animal in you." He says, eyes sparkling, then
takes the soap and begins to rub it over my body. I look at him and think
'why fight this..let it be whatever it will. Don't analyze it to death.'
We kiss, gentler this time, his hands moving over my body as he washes me
with the soap. I get on my knees before him and take him in deep, his hands
clutching my hair, his hips rocking to fuck my mouth. I hear the harsh moans
coming from somewhere above me and a few seconds later his cum is shooting
down my throat and I swallow. So much for safe sex. I imagine he is clean
though..in the FBI you have to get checkups regularly. He pulls me up to meet
his waiting lips and I feel his hand on my cock. I shudder as he grips me
hard, jerking me off.
"Jesus.." I gasp, my head falling back.
"What happened to no talking during sex rule?" He mumbles against my throat.
"Shut up." I half laugh, half moan.
"I think those are your two favorite words."
"Oh..fuck.." I grunt and cover his hand with my seed. He laughs against me
and we stand their for a bit more before getting out and drying off. We sleep
in bed together, wake up the next morning, have breakfast and head back to
D.C. It's a little awkward and I'm still trying to figure out what I feel for
him. At one moment in the car, he speaks. "Mulder..I know with the Bureau and
everything we have to be discreet..I just was wondering..if this is anytning
we have to be discreet about?"
I look at him. "Yeah..I think there is. Let's just take things one at a time.
No rush right?"
He looks down. "Yeah..right," then looks back up, smiling encouragingly.
Over the next week, Alex and I work on a few small cases together, boring for
me, and for him as well. He wants to do more unconventional work, but that's
not going to happen as long as The X-Files are closed. He keeps wishing for
another case like the Cole one. Alex has finally recovered some from the
shooting. I back him up like I said I would and he starts going to a
therapist at the Bureau once a week.
We spend time together every day obviously because of work, but don't spend
every night together. I meant it when I said I wanted to ease into this. So,
for the first few weeks, we spend weekends together. Even when we're alone or
in bed I don't let my guard down completely. I can't totally relax with him
yet. Some nagging thought in the back of my mimd tells me not to trust
someone again.
He, on the other hand, hides nothing. He tells me how happy he is, how
beautiful he thinks I am, how intelligent. I feel like I'm on the flip side
of my relationship with James.
The next few months, I spend my time balanced between work, Alex, and seeing
Scully occasionally. I still haven't told her, and I'm not sure why. In a way
it's none of her business. Why should this be any different then if this were
a girl I was dating? And if I was dating a girl, would I go running to
Scully, shouting it from the rooftops? Uh, no. Jeez, she was pissed even when
Phoebe showed up that time.
Phoebe...god, thinking back now how she was my relationship after
James..it's so bad, it's actually funny. To think that I thought a rebound
was just what I needed. Yeah, more like the rebound from hell. She completely
fucked with my mind and I knew it. Yet, I did nothing about it. Those times
have changed. With Diana, it wasn't mind games. She was just a cold hearted
bitch who wanted more from her life than just a husband. Thinking about all
this stuff makes me think how in the months we've been together, I haven't
told Alex any of this.
I don't want to share with him all the intimate details of my past
relationships and yet I can't understand why. Is it the fact that I don't
want to reveal myself to him or just people in general? Is it some stupid
childish fear that if I clue him in on my failed relationships, it will
provoke him into doing the same thing as the others? I know it's a ridiculous
thought, but somewhere, laying around in the back of my brain, it lurks with
uncertainty.
Our relationship has been going really good. I've been able to relax around
him and just enjoy the here and now. I was really surprised to find out how
smart he is. He's nothing like I expected. He's got a sweet side to him, but
can get angry just like anyone else. We've had a few minor fights, and both
our tempers fly a bit. Afterwards though, the makeup sex is always so damn
hot. And shit, can he top. Looking at him, you'd never think it, but when he
gets going..he's amazing.
Right now I'm lying in my bed next to him, running my hand up and down his
chest. He's been sleeping for a few hours, but I haven't been able to. I've
just been laying here..trying to process the events of the evening. Tonight
was our four month anniversary. He cooked me dinner, I'm amazed at how well
he can cook. Another surprise. Then he proceeded to make love to me so
sweetly, I thought I would die. And to top it all off, he said he loved me.
I didn't say anything back and I really hope he wasn't upset by that. I do
love him, I just don't want to love him. And I can't tell him. I can't tell
him, not for a while. It's not right for me to do this to him..to keep him
guessing as to what my feelings are. I'm every bit aware that I'm being a
hypocrite, that I'm doing to him what was done to me, but I can't help it. It
just hurt though...seeing his heart in his eyes. Seeing it for me.
I roll over onto my stomach and rest my arm across his waist, the rest of the
thoughts filtering out of me as I drift into sleep. The next morning, I ask
him if he's ok, and he says yes. He cooks me breakfast, which he claims is
his favorite thing to do. We eat, then leave for our respective vehicles. As
I get into mine, he kisses me lightly on the lips and says 'I love you' once
more. I can't help but feeling like he's testing me, like maybe trying to
find out if I heard him last night or not. I smile a little, not meeting his
eyes. "I gotta go. See you at work." I kiss him quickly and leave. On the
drive there I feel horrible. It's worse than I'd feel if I didn't love him.
The fact that I can't say it...
I'm in the middle of swimming laps in the pool, when Alex come in calling
"Agent Mulder." I smirk a little to myself. Always so formal at work. I get
out of the pool, giving him a nice view of me in my Speedo. He loves this
Speedo.
I'm not expecting what he tells me. A hostage situation with a man claiming
he was abducted by aliens. Oh, jackpot.
I can see Alex wants to kill me. I've volunteered to go and talk to Duane
Barry. He hates when I take risks like this, but I always explain to him
'this is me.' That night, after visiting Duane Barry in the hospital, I go
back to Alex's. He's still pretty pissed about what I did but after a lot of
talking I make him understand that it needed to be done. We're both too
exhausted to do anything so we kiss for a bit before I leave to go home, our
usual routine for midweek. When I hear Scully's message, my whole body
freezes.
Scully...
That night, I don't sleep at all. We have a meeting at the Bureau...Skinner
tells me I'm 'too close to this case' and tells Alex to 'take me home.' He
does and stays there with me, tries to soothe me. I actually cry in front of
him, something I never thought I'd do. He's so reassuring and stays all
night, just holding me.
The next morning, he brings me coffee as I'm replaying the Barry interview
over and over, and asks me how I slept. I have no idea why he asks this, he
was there all night, he knows I didn't sleep. Maybe just in case someone was
around to hear..it would be a reasonable question to ask a partner. When I
put together the fact that I think Scully was taken to Skyland Mountain we
leave and start the search.
In the car he goes on and on about statistics and I'm so irritated and tired
that I take it out on him, throwing him arrogant remarks in response. He's
offended by it, and immediately I'm sorry. After all, he is only trying to
keep me awake. When I look in his eyes, his pain practically mirrors mine.
Damn, he really does love me. Maybe, I'm not so far off from saying it as I
thought..
A few days later, 11:24pm, Skyland Mountain.
I get in my car to drive home from Skyland Mountain where I was looking up at
the stars. My mind mulls over the last few days. How I lost Scully and Alex.
Alex..
When I found the cigarette butts, I felt something inside me die. I went to
his apartment and everything was gone. It was like he never existed. I went
home and everything of his was gone. Skinner reopened The X-Files. Wow..big
deal when I just lost my best friend and lover.
Crash and Burn
by Sarah
From the first second I see him, I immediately think 'oh lord please, not
again.' His name is Krycek, Alex Krycek, as he puts it. And dear god, he's
been assigned to this case with me. He looks like a little boy. Jesus, how
old is he? His dark hair and green eyes instantly make me flashback to an
image of Chris Rawls. I don't think of him much. I mean, it's been years. But
every now and then the old ghost rises. It's like that first flame that never
quite gutters out completely, no matter how weak it gets.
I think of the way Alex would look as we made love. His face flushed and hair tousled against the pillows. His eyes filled with love and passion for me, only now to learn that they were filled with deceit. The man I once loved, I now hate. And if anything happens to Scully, I'll kill him.
I park my car and walk to my apartment, vowing that never again will I give my heart to someone else.
This is a sequel to two other stories in my Mulder/Other series..this part features Alex though. It's not necessary to read those stories, but it will give you background on two characters mentioned
