As he walked slowly toward his building, his mind was on rewind, replaying the
recent events over and over again. His mind knew the truth, had no doubt about
it, but his heart..his heart refused to believe. Would not. A stab of pain
rocketing through his body and moving into his chest where it settled.
Why?
Why was always the question. Why would the person he had given his trust to...
and who he had slowly, hesitantly, begun to give his heart to... why would he do
this?
Of course the answer to that question was clear. It had always been the answer in
the past. 'Because this is Alex Krycek we are talking about.' Yet that answer
didn't satisfy him anymore. The curses and names that used to follow those words
meant nothing to him now either. He couldn't possibly accept that answer. Not
now. Not when they had become lovers. 'There must be reasons for his actions'
his mind screamed.
But what were they? Or was this his plan the whole time? To use and betray
Mulder, just like he had in the past, only this time with the ultimate betrayal.
This time he didn't just upset Fox Mulder. This time he took his heart along with
the him. Mulder's face contorted with unspoken pain. The tears swelled his eyes
but he refused to let them fall. Anger was taking over the emotion of hurt.
He stepped out of the elevator that he couldn't even remember getting into and
moved blindly down the hall to his door. Mulder hardly noticed the door was
unlocked, and when it did catch his eye, it didn't surprise him. He assumed he
had forgotten to lock it. His mind went back to Alex as his fingers slowly turned
the knob. They'd been together five months now. To think only a month ago they
shared Christmas together, woke up in each others arms and made love nonstop the
next day. And now this.
Mulder hadn't seen Alex in a week..no wait, that wasn't true..he saw him in the
hospital. He had said he had some "minor business" to take care of.
//Minor business. You fucker.//
The pain was coming back full blast now. He walked into the familiar dark
apartment and before he could take another step, someone grabbed him from behind
and clamped a hand over his mouth. The door closed loudly and he struggled,
pushing the intruder into the wall, trying to break free. He managed to and
twisted around to get a look at his assailant. The identity of his 'guest' came
as no surprise.
"You fucking bastard!" He pounced at his lover, slamming him against the wall.
"Mulder! Mulder, calm down!" Krycek's voice was a furious whisper.
"Calm down?!" He pushed Alex harder, his hand holding the man's shoulder in a
tight grip. "You come here, assault me in my own apartment after the shit you
pulled at the hospital and you have the nerve to tell me to calm down?!"
"Mulder.." His voice was calm. "Just let me explain."
"You know what. Krycek? Just shut the fuck up." Mulder backed away from the man,
his eyes glinting with pain and fury.
These words stung Krycek. But the part that stung him the most was Mulder calling
him 'Krycek'. The only time his lover, possibly former lover, called him that
now was either when he was joking around or angry. And angry did not even begin
to cover what Mulder was now.
Alex thought back to last month, how good everything seemed to be going. He had
actually started feeling normal for the first time in his life.
Human.
And then everything got fucked up. He should have told Fox..he should have..
A shiver ran through Krycek as he thought again about how this man was quite
possibly no longer his lover. He looked into Mulder's eyes, at this face. He did
not deserve this man. He'd said it months ago to Mulder and now he would say it
again, but this time to himself. He looked at the pain in the older man's eyes
and his heart broke. He realized he could not do this to him. The only thing he
wanted was to be with Fox, and not hurt him anymore. And yet he had.
He should have walked out..he should have walked out that night months ago on
their anniversary. He was prepared to. He knew this would eventually happen. He
had said that one day Mulder would hate him again, see him just as he used to.
That day had come. It didn't even matter that he did it for Mulder.
//He doesn't even know the real reason.//
//Don't tell him. Just leave. Walk out of his life for good. Then everything will
be fine. He won't be in danger and he won't be in pain. Just. Walk. Away.//
His mind knew that his inner voice was right, this would be the right thing to
do..
//As long as he lets me leave. If he says anything to me, I don't think I'll be
able to do this. God, I promised myself I wouldn't let this happen. I promised
not to fall this hard for him. I can't..//
No longer could he bear to destroy this man. He would not sit and watch as
Mulder's life was ripped apart, with himself doing the tearing.
"Goodbye Mulder. You won't have to see me again." He couldn't look into Fox's
eyes and headed toward the door.
Mulder jumped quickly and moved in front of the door, blocking the young man's
exit.
"I changed my mind. Don't shut up. I want you to tell me why! Why are you working
for them again?! Why did you try to purposely kill Skinner?! WHY did you make
me..make me care about you..make me trust you!? Is this what you wanted? Is this
what it was all about all along?! Did some sick thought go into your head and you
decided ok, I'll show up in Fox Mulder's office, fuck him and start a
relationship with him and then fuck him over!! WHY, Alex! God dammit tell ME!!"
Alex slammed Mulder against the door. "THIS is what you THINK?! Five months
together..five months! You say you trust me yet you think I'm capable of doing
that! How can you think this was all a mind fuck? I told you, Fox... god dammit,
I TOLD you when we started this that I was free until the smoking fucker found
me. Well, he found me, okay?! I should have told you..I know I should have
but..god Mulder.."
He raised his hand to Mulder's cheek and caressed it gently. Mulder looked at
him, not sure what to feel.
"Just let me explain..if you still want me to leave afterwards, I will."
Mulder nodded slowly. Still hurt but somehow even more so. He was now hurting for
Alex. His lover was trapped again. Trapped into this horrible life he kept trying
with all of his might to get out of. The phrase 'Ratboy' never rang truer.
"He came to me a few weeks ago, Fox. He..he found out where I was living and he's
had me on surveillance for quite some time. I regularly searched my apartment for
bugs, never can be too sure. But I must have missed some. He called me up..told
me that he'd seen some very interesting "porn" lately."
He saw the shock in Mulder's eyes and nodded. "Yeah, that motherfucker saw us.
He..he blackmailed me again..said that if I didn't infect Skinner with the
NanoBytes that he'd kill you..God dammit, Mulder, you are my only weakness and he
knows it! He's been blackmailing me with your life for years."
"Then maybe I shouldn't be in your life." Mulder whispered quietly, more to
himself than his lover.
Alex lifted his head up. "That's where you're wrong. I shouldn't be in yours .
I could go anywhere, Mulder. Start a new life where they would never find me."
Mulder turned away from his eyes, but Alex forced his head back. "Stop that and
look at me! Do you understand what I am saying?! You THINK I'm trapped but I'm
not! I could be free if I chose to. I choose to stay here and it's only
because of you. I'm here for you, Mulder. I'm trying to protect you and if that
means my freedom, so be it."
Fox Mulder stood in stunned silence. He could not get over this. Here was
this..man. This amazing, amazing man who again and again was sacrificing more of
himself for Mulder. Mulder stood there, ashamed. How could he have said those
horrible things earlier? How could he have thought that Alex was hurting him when
he was really saving him..again.
//He says he doesn't deserve you..you don't deserve him //
Mulder let those tears fall now. Alex brushed them away. "Shh..Fox what is it?
I'm sorry..for everything."
Mulder shook his head vehemently. "No..no, I..I'm the one who has to
apologize..jesus, Alex, I was so awful to you..and here you are..doing everything
you can to protect me..getting involved with those bastards again..I hate that
for you Alex..I hate that it has to be this way."
"It's either that or us not being together..and I can't have that."
Mulder put his arm around Alex to cup the back of his neck. He let his hand
massage the fine hair there. "I'm so sorry I accused you of all those things. God
I'm such an asshole."
"No, you're not. I'd be an idiot to expect you to have no bad presumptions of
me."
Fox rested his head against his lover. "Do you really want this..going through
all of this with them again? I'm not worth that."
"Don't tell me what you're worth." Alex said sternly, then softened a bit. "It'll
be ok..we can deal with this."
Mulder nodded shakily. "What will happen to Skinner?"
"Nothing..he'll be ok. He's only in danger when I activate the controls. Which I
won't do..unless..unless they threaten your life again."
Mulder yanked his lover against him and ravished his mouth with his own. They
both moaned and rubbed against each other at a hungry pace.
"I..I can't tell you what it means to me..the way you.."
"I told you, I'm here for you." Alex stated, then started sucking on Mulder's
tongue, ridding him of anymore words. Alex kissed him 'till he had to gasp for
air.
"You.." Alex tried to catch his breath. "You..mean a lot to me, you know that
Fox?"
"You mean a lot to me too. I was trying so hard not to believe that you would
actually hurt me.."
They kissed again, just as fierce. Wanting to own each other, not able to get
enough. Mulder pushed Alex towards the couch. He pulled off his jacket quickly.
Alex was just as urgent and starting working his lover's clothes and his own off.
Once everything was discarded and scattered all over the floor and coffee table
they lay down, running anxious fingertips up and down each others bodies.
Mulder pushed Alex's body deeper into the leather sofa, the feel of the cold
contrasting his heated body sent shivers of pleasure through Alex. Mulder's hard
cock was rubbing against his own, their pre-cum dripping between their tight
bodies, sliding stickily over each other's shafts. Mulder kissed his lover
deeply, gentler this time, while his hands traveled up to pinch the younger man's
nipples.
Alex's only hand was squeezing his lover's ass, pulling him tighter against him.
He nudged Fox's legs apart a bit and slipped one finger into his anus.
"Jesus..Alex.." Mulder gasped as he sucked hard on his lover's neck. They were
moving together faster, creating an unbearable friction. When Alex slipped
another finger into Mulder's ass he let out a harsh groan and spilled his hot
seed between their bodies. Alex let out a groan of his own and came hard
screaming his lover's name.
They lay together in long minutes of silence. Alex's perspired body stuck to the
leather a bit, but it was a wonderful feeling. He held Fox as tight as he could
with one arm. Mulder nuzzled his chest with his cheek, his stubble scratching
lightly against the younger man's skin.
"I love this." Alex whispered, caressing Mulder's back.
"Hmm, me too." He kissed Alex's chest lightly then mouthed 'I love you' against
his chest.
"What?" Alex asked, almost asleep, feeling the tickling sensation.
"I said, goodnight." Mulder smiled and rested his head against the warm flesh
again. He had realized sometime during the events of the night that if he had let
Alex walk away from him, it would have been the worst mistake of his life.
One he didn't plan to make.
Betrayals and Forgiveness
by Sarah
Fox Mulder parked his car in front of his apartment, not feeling like taking the
time to drive it into the building garage. His fingers still held a white
knuckled grip on the steering wheel. He let his head fall forward and took a deep
breath before getting out of the car.
