"You want a beer?" he said, without turning to look over his shoulder.
Alex watched him closely through lidded eyes as he moved to hang up his coat
beside Mulder's. "Uh ... sure," he said, still not quite sure what to make
of the invitation to come up here. Mulder had said that he wanted to spend
some time with him outside of work, and Alex had accepted the suggestion
readily enough. Anything that drew him closer into the confidence of this
man was a good thing. Nevertheless, he was a little uneasy with the casual
familiarity that Mulder seemed to have with him being inside his home.
Surely Mulder couldn't have fallen under the spell of shy, worshipful
Special Agent Alex Krycek enough to begin spilling his innermost secrets
already.
Or maybe that was just his own guilty conscience speaking—after all, he
had only been Mulder's partner for a handful of weeks now, and there was no
way Mulder could suspect that he wasn't what he seemed to be. It had taken a
lot of effort to win the man's trust, but it was beginning to look as if
he'd managed it at last. The thought brought with it very little in the way
of satisfaction.
The truth was, he liked Mulder. Sure, the guy could be annoying as hell at
times, but he was actually pleasant to be around, in an endearingly
frustrating kind of way. He was highly driven, obsessive even, but then
didn't those terms apply to Alex himself?
Alex had seen the way the other agents treated Mulder, the way they talked
about him behind his back, and it made him angry that they wouldn't take the
time to see through the rather obvious barriers that Mulder had set up
around himself. Mulder was a man who cared absolutely nothing about what
other people thought of him, and that was rare enough in this world of
half-baked conspiracies and personal propaganda. Mulder was wounded in ways
that the eyes couldn't see, and like an injured animal, he hid himself
behind walls of carefully erected barricades designed to scare off anyone
who might dare to draw too close.
In many ways, Alex couldn't help but think, they were a lot alike.
Mulder came out of the kitchen then carrying two chilled beer cans in his
left hand. He had unbuttoned the collar of his shirt and rolled up the
sleeves over his forearms, which gave him an unexpectedly casual demeanor,
catching Alex completely off guard. He didn't know why, but for some reason
he hadn't pictured Mulder as anything but the straight- laced FBI operative,
and the sight of him actually letting his guard down enough to unwind a bit
was disarming. It made him seem ... well, human somehow, in a way that he
hadn't before. And that was just absurd, really.
One of Mulder's eyebrows quirked as he came into the room, and Alex realized
he was still hovering in front of the door, poised as if he were ready to
flee at any moment. He flushed lightly, wondering what Mulder must think of
him. The glint of green in Mulder's eyes deepened slightly, and he didn't
quite smile as he gestured toward the couch.
"You want to sit down? I'm not going to bite."
There was a wry twist of humor in his voice that seemed self-directed. Alex
wondered if Mulder was wondering what was going on in his head, wondered
if maybe he was regretting accepting the invitation to come up to the
apartment of the FBI's self-proclaimed outcast and basement- dweller. Fox
Mulder, the Thing Not Spoken Of, seeker of Truth, tirelessly chasing after
an endless trail of broken dreams. Alex wondered suddenly when the last
time was that Mulder had felt comfortable enough with anyone to invite them
to his apartment to share a couple of beers. Such an innocuous, minor
thing, but Alex sensed that it meant a world of difference to the other man.
Acceptance—it was what they were all searching for, in their own way.
"Yeah," he said, making his decision quickly. He stepped forward to take
one of the cans from Mulder's hand and popped the top on it easily, taking
refuge behind the cold slide of the liquid that burned down his throat as he
took his first sip. He settled onto the couch with a casualness he was far
from feeling, and he couldn't help himself from sweeping his gaze over the
room around him as he did so.
Everything around him spoke of a casual comfort that he had been years from
experiencing. There was something unaccountably Mulder-ish about it that
was evident in everything from the haphazardly stacked books on the shelf
against the far wall, to the detritus of floppy disks and candy wrappers and
unfiled papers on top of the computer desk next to the couch, to the
brightly colored fish that flitted about inside the aquarium. The apartment
was ... comfortable, warm. Lived- in and well-loved, despite the obvious
lack of attention devoted to it. When was the last time Alex had lived
anywhere long enough to make his imprint in this way? For the first time,
he felt a twist of envy for the other man.
"Penny for your thoughts."
Alex looked back in surprise and found Mulder sitting beside him, one arm
draped across the back of the couch. He was taking a drink of his beer, but
his eyes were serious as they met Alex's over the rim of the can.
Alex found himself smiling, and it occurred to him that the expression must
seem every bit as wry and self-directed as it did on Mulder. "Don't waste
your money," he said lightly, wincing inwardly at the bitter ring that hid
behind the words.
Something in Mulder's eyes darkened at that, and he slid the barest bit
closer across the couch, so that the fingers of his hand could brush up
against Alex's shoulder. Alex found himself leaning into the touch without
thinking about it, glad for the uncomplicated comfort that it offered.
"You did good out there today." Mulder's voice was low, obviously meant to
be encouraging.
Alex nodded, giving in with some relief to the assumption that he was
disturbed by the events of the past few weeks. For newbie Agent Alex
Krycek, being thrown head-first into the middle of an X-file would
undoubtedly be a traumatic experience. He steadfastly refused to admit to
himself that he felt pleased to have earned a compliment from his stoic
partner.
"I ... I guess I'm just not used to this sort of thing." Time to turn on
the charm and reassure both Mulder and himself that the role he was playing
was real. He leaned forward a little, pinning Mulder with his most earnest
look, as if he were consciously willing him to understand. "I mean, I
want to believe you. I've always wanted to believe in you. But..." He let
his voice trail off, trying to tell himself that his confusion was just an
act. This was just another job, after all. Just another link in the chain
that held him bound to the people who owned him. It wasn't as if he
actually felt a connection to this man, as if he actually wished, deep
down, that they could become friends.
"I know you do." There was something in the way Mulder said it that made
Alex think he meant more than what he said. He was still trying to puzzle
out the nuances behind the words when Mulder touched his shoulder again and
set his beer down on the coffee table in front of them.
Never had Alex wished more strongly for telepathic powers. What the hell
kind of thoughts were spinning behind that shuttered hazel gaze? Mulder had
invited him up here for beer and conversation, nothing major, nothing
life-altering. But what the hell did he want? Be his partner, Alex's
masters had told him. Get him to trust you. Well, here he was,
apparently (finally) on the in with Mulder, and now what? What was he
supposed to do now? His mouth was dry, and he took a hasty sip of his beer
to hide his sudden discomfort. Damn it, but he was starting to feel like a
nervous teenager on his first date.
"Hey." Mulder's fingers moved up from Alex's shoulder to stroke lightly
across the side of his jaw, and Alex tensed instantly, a whole clamor of
warning bells going off in his head. He stared, wide-eyed, but Mulder was
just looking at him with that same, damnable look of studied calm on his
face. Waiting.
"Uh, Mulder..." His voice didn't seem to want to work, so he cleared his
throat and tried it again. "Mulder, I..." And he couldn't even seem to
finish the damned sentence, because Mulder's fingers were sliding up along
the edge of his jaw now to touch the soft skin behind his ear, and Alex
swore they were leaving a trail of branded skin behind them.
Fuck . Alex closed his eyes but didn't pull away from the damning touch.
He shivered lightly as Mulder's fingers slid back down over the arch of his
cheekbone and hovered lightly underneath his jaw.
"Alex," Mulder said quietly, and there was a note to his voice that made
Alex clench his fists in frantic denial of the feelings that were coursing
through him. He sounded ... hesitant, but hopeful. "You can tell me to
stop, you know."
Was this why Mulder had invited him up here tonight? The thought made Alex
bite back a surge of near-hysteric laughter. Heaven knew he was attracted
to the man, had in fact fantasized about this very moment on more than one
occasion over the past few weeks. But in all his fantasies, it had just
been sex, pure and undiluted and utterly without complication. He hadn't
expected there to be this ... this weird kind of symbiosis between them.
Did Mulder feel it? Or was he just giving in to the impulse to touch the
face that even Alex's enemies were quick to compare to artworks and statues
and fallen angels?
"God, no," he whispered, but whether that was in answer to Mulder's
statement or a last frantic denial of what was happening between them, he
didn't know. He didn't react as Mulder took his beer from nerveless fingers
and set it down on the table beside his own, then slid forward so that their
thighs just barely brushed together, sending a spark of near unbearable
energy skittering along Alex's nerves. Keeping his eyes closed, he tried
again. "You don't know me, Mulder."
"I think I know enough about you." Mulder's hand slid up to cup the back of
Alex's neck, and Alex found himself leaning into it, his body's reactions
completely at odds with the frantic apprehension that pounded through his
veins. He didn't know what he was so scared of, didn't know why those light
touches should generate such a surge of unholy terror within him, but he
seemed helpless to resist them regardless. "I know that you haven't punched
me in the gut for touching you and run screaming from the room yet." There
was a wry smile in the words. "That has to be a good sign."
Alex could hear the tentative humor in Mulder's voice, and he smiled
slightly, unable to help himself. It certainly wasn't the first time that
someone had come on to him like this, and he regained a little of his
confidence as he felt himself fall into the old familiar rhythms of the
dance. So Mulder wanted sex from him? Alex's masters would be pleased, as
this gave them even more to hold over their nemesis. Sex he could do,
without a doubt—and had done on more than one occasion, in pursuit of the
job. And if it was more than just sex on Mulder's part, so much the better.
It was a perfect opportunity to draw Mulder in, leave him open and
vulnerable and ready for whatever those in power wanted to do to him.
Except that Alex couldn't resist the unpleasant feeling that it wasn't
Mulder who was being left open and vulnerable here. It made no sense at
all, and he fought against it, not understanding the sudden turmoil of
emotion that slithered through him. Suddenly he just wanted to be far away
from here, away from this apartment, away from this man, away from this
whole goddamned ridiculous assignment. But, of course, that had never been
his call to make.
He let his fears go with a soft sigh and gave in to the moment, letting
Mulder know without words that he was okay with this, that he wanted this to
continue. Mulder's thumb traced up along the edge of his jaw to touch the
edge of his mouth, and Alex parted his lips slightly, giving voice to the
reluctant desire he felt with one brief exhalation.
Mulder responded immediately, his fingers tightening around the back of
Alex's neck as he leaned in to brush their lips together. Alex held himself
very still, stunned by the sheer gentleness of the kiss, as their breaths
joined together, warming the air between them. Mulder's other hand slid
over his arm, soothing him, and Alex allowed himself to relax for the first
time since he'd stepped into Mulder's apartment. There was a kind of
creature comfort in simply being held, in being touched, that he hadn't
allowed himself to feel for a very long time.
And what the hell did it matter, anyway? It was just sex. Just a brief
physical connection between two consenting adults, and when had he ever
quailed from a freely offered roll in the hay? No promises given or asked
for—neat, clean, and unemotional. Just what the doctor ordered.
He gave in to the slow kiss gradually, moving his lips under the patient
caress of the other man's mouth. Alex inhaled sharply as he caught his
first sharp taste of Mulder, and he immediately parted his lips to taste it
again. There was something intoxicating about being inside this man's arms,
as if Fox Mulder were a highly addictive drug that he had just discovered
his obsession for. He let his arms slide up around Mulder's back as the
other man deepened the kiss, startling him with the first soft flicker of
his tongue.
Mulder drew back slightly then and met Alex's gaze from only inches away.
There was something heartbreakingly open about his expression—something
tender —that made Alex cringe.
"You okay, Alex?" Mulder ran one finger down over the edge of Alex's
cheekbone, drawing another subdued shiver out of him. His breathing had
acquired a strained rasp to it that was playing havoc with Alex's libido.
"Yeah." Not exactly truth, but truth was overrated anyway. Despite his
effort to appear relaxed about this, Mulder must have seen something in his
eyes because he started to pull back slightly. Alex grabbed hold of his
wrist and held onto him like a drowning man. "Please, Mulder," he said,
barely recognizing his own voice. "I do want this. It's just..."
Something in Mulder's expression had darkened. "You don't have to be here,
Alex." Already, Alex could feel the other man withdrawing from him,
regretting what he'd instigated, and he reached out to cup his hand over
Mulder's cheek, hating the unemotional mask that was falling down across his
eyes.
"It's been a while for me, okay?" And that much was true, at least. His
tentative admission seemed to have the desired effect, because Mulder
stopped trying to pull away from him. Warm hazel eyes with entirely too
much intelligence behind them studied his face for a long moment, and Alex
had to force himself not to twitch under the blatant appraisal that he saw
there.
Then Mulder leaned in to kiss him again, slow and sweet, and Alex melted
under it, leaning back against the corner of the couch as Mulder's long body
draped over him. Dear god, the man was a furnace, all heat and motion and
heartfelt, irresistible need. Mulder's breath rasped as he bent to nip at
the skin above Alex's collarbone, and Alex took bizarre triumph in the fact
that he wasn't the only one being affected by this rather odd encounter.
A sudden sense of impending doom made him pull Mulder's head up to his
again, and Mulder responded to him beautifully, warm tongue sliding in
against his own as if he were planning on settling in to live there. Alex's
fingers slid eagerly through the other man's soft, short hair, loving the
faint scratch of it against his palms. Mulder tasted so good, so dark and
rich and undeniably addictive, and Alex gave in to the tender assault
wholeheartedly, glad for the excuse to ignore what Mulder's words were
telling him, what his eyes were telling him...
Mulder's hands were moving over him now, massaging the muscles of his chest
through the fabric of his shirt. Alex arched into the touch, panting, as
strong fingers worked at his tie, undoing the buttons there, sliding the
thin fabric aside as they burrowed up underneath his white T-shirt to stroke
across his chest. He made a soft sound as Mulder's lips brushed over the
skin below his ear, and he tipped his head back in mute entreaty, closing
his eyes.
"Shh." Mulder's voice was a warm breath across his skin, chased by the
lightest lingering touch of tongue and teeth. "I want to make you feel
good, Alex. Will you let me do that?"
Alex stared up at the ceiling, blinking back the bitter sting that rose up
in his eyes as he smoothed his hands over Mulder's back. He certainly
hadn't anticipated this degree of tenderness in the other man's lovemaking,
and he found himself nodding in response to the unexpected question, giving
Mulder his tacit permission to continue.
He honestly hadn't expected this, hadn't expected it to be like this. He'd
known that Mulder was a passionate man, driven, focused on his goals, but
there was no way he would have anticipated this ... this degree of cautious
affection in the way he touched him. As if Mulder were afraid to push too
hard, afraid to frighten him away. Alex felt as if his nerves were standing
about two inches outside of his body, and they were quivering in suppressed
agitation as he fought to retain some manner of control over the situation.
Lips trailed down over the surface of Alex's skin, tracing the curve of his
throat. Mulder's hand was warm on the side of his neck, thumb massaging
just underneath his jaw as strong fingers carded into the hair at the back
of his head. Alex arched into the touch, breathing heavily, and Mulder
moved to kiss him again, tongue slipping smoothly in past the barrier of
lips and teeth to slide its heated length against his own.
Alex sighed as Mulder's fingers moved across his chest, smoothing the
tremors out of him. Mulder met his gaze with a small smile; his eyes were
warm with emotion, startlingly dark. He trailed the backs of his fingers
down Alex's bared chest and massaged lightly just above the waistband of his
pants. Alex arched his hips up into the touch without thinking, and Mulder
leaned in to kiss him again, devouring his mouth with all the enthusiasm of
a child who had just been gifted with the world's most fabulous candy.
Alex moaned faintly, returning the kiss with a passion that startled him,
and his hands clenched mindlessly over the shirt that covered the warm
muscles of Mulder's back, massaging gently. Mulder groaned in approval,
rubbing the whole length of his body against him, and Alex could feel the
hard heat of the other man's arousal press against his thigh, branding him.
"You want to move this into the bedroom?" Mulder asked in a voice gone
suddenly dark and hoarse with need. His sigh was a hot breath across Alex's
ear.
Alex shivered, feeling for a moment as if he wanted to throw Mulder off of
him and bolt from the room. The fear pounded through him again, momentarily
paralyzing him. What the fuck was he afraid of? It was just sex. Just
sex, and since when had fucking on the job ever been a problem for him?
"Yes," he whispered, knowing that he had never meant anything more
truthfully in his entire life.
He was irritated to find himself shaking. Mulder didn't seem to notice as
he stood up from the couch, and Alex followed him without protest, leaning
into the hands that guided him. Mulder never stopped touching him as they
made their way back into the bedroom, and Alex felt absurdly grateful for
that simple contact.
Mulder's bedroom was simple, filled near to capacity with a queen-sized bed,
a bookshelf, a nightstand, and a small bureau with double-depth drawers. It
seemed almost ... impersonal in a way, as if Mulder didn't spend a great
deal of time here and thus hadn't invested as much of himself in it as he
had in other areas of the apartment. Alex thought again of the Mulder he
held in his mind's eye, who was far too devoted to his work to waste time
sleeping or even fucking more than occasionally, and he felt a twinge of
sympathy for the man that touched him far deeper than he was comfortable to
admit.
When Mulder reached for him again after turning on the small bedside lamp to
chase away the growing shadows, Alex went to him without hesitation.
There was more kissing than he was accustomed to. Usually, Alex's lovers
wouldn't waste any time getting him naked and spread out on the bed, but
Mulder seemed intent on taking this one step at a time, liberally
interspersing rounds of serious tonsil chasing in between each stage of the
seduction. It made Alex feel almost as if he were being courted, and the
thought filled him with equal parts excitement and apprehension.
Clothes were shed without fanfare, and Alex found himself eagerly watching
as Mulder's body was revealed to him. God, the man was beautiful, all long
lines and smooth contours; a hedonist's wet dream come to life. The cock
that rose from between his legs was beautifully proportioned, and Alex
couldn't resist the temptation to touch him, to hold him, and the sounds
that Mulder made as Alex's fingers closed around him were the sweetest music
Alex had ever heard.
"Bed. Now." Mulder's tone was light, but his eyes were dark with arousal
as he guided Alex back toward the bed. Alex obeyed without protest,
stealing one last kiss before sliding back onto the smooth mattress behind
him.
He hissed as his back touched the cool sheets, and he bit back a groan as
Mulder's body fell over him, skin to skin. Mulder felt incredible against
him, so hot and exciting and delectable to hold onto, and Alex spread his
thighs eagerly, welcoming the hot hard rush of arousal that slammed through
him when Mulder's erection pressed down against his own.
Mulder groaned and buried his face against the curve of Alex's neck, nipping
at the sweat-slicked skin there, and Alex gasped under the sharp sting of
the other man's teeth.
"God, Alex..." Mulder's hips were moving against him now, slow, languid
strokes that seemed designed to drive them both mad as quickly as possible.
His breathing sounded like a bellows in Alex's ear, a harsh whoosh of air
that spoke eloquently of need and want and anguished desire. "God," he said
again, and his voice was shaking. His face was still buried against the side
of Alex's neck as he ground his hips down into the other man's groin. "You
are so fucking sexy..."
"I would have let you fuck me the moment I met you," Alex admitted, his
breath hitching as Mulder's teeth sank into his shoulder in silent reward
for the statement. He hugged Mulder's body with his thighs, panting
heavily. "Right there across the top of your desk, if you'd asked me to."
Mulder made a low sound deep in his throat, presumably at the image this
provoked, and his fingers tightened to near pain over Alex's arms. Alex
barely had time to catch his breath before Mulder was turning him over,
guiding him onto his stomach with shaking hands that left trails of fire
wherever they touched him. Alex gave in to their silent direction
instantly, clenching his fists in the sheets to either side of him as he
drew up on his knees, pressing his ass into the air.
"Yes," he breathed, inhaling the scent of Mulder from the pillow beneath
him. Mulder's fingers were sliding down his spine, making his hips move
restlessly. "Fuck me, Mulder."
"God, yes." Mulder's voice was low and throaty with unfulfilled need, and
Alex had to bite hard on his lip to keep from screaming when he felt the
other man's tongue touch the skin between his shoulder blades. What this man
could do with his mouth... Alex closed his eyes and lay there shaking as
tongue and fingers traced out a delicate tapestry of fired nerve endings
over his back, working their way down his spine.
"Oh, fuck..." Alex moaned softly as Mulder began to suck a passion mark
just below the small of his back, and his hips bucked mindlessly under the
stimulation, held in place only by the strong hands that suddenly closed
around them to hold him steady. He felt like he was drifting on a cloud of
sensation, cut off from everything that had ever made sense to him, or
mattered to him, or defined him as a person. The only things real to him
were the near unbearable heat of Mulder's body behind him, and the hard, wet
pressure of the suction against his skin.
He moaned again when that suction left him, and Mulder lapped at the bruised
area softly, soothing the bright sting of pain. "You're so beautiful,"
Mulder murmured, lips warm against his skin, and Alex made a small humming
sound of pleasure as those lips moved down to the cleft of his ass, leaving
a moist exhalation of shivering warmth in their wake. "So beautiful,
Alex..."
His hand slipped up between Alex's thighs, cupping his balls lightly, and
Alex spread his legs further apart with a sigh, arching into the touch. A
moment later, he felt Mulder's other hand clench over his hip as that
talented tongue swiped across his cleft, and Alex choked back a sob as he
felt the trail of soft, moist warmth slide over his anus.
Alex's vocabulary was reduced to low curses and gasping moans as Mulder
proceeded to fuck him with his tongue, and Alex gave in to the pleasure
impulsively, feeling the heat of it sear through him. Mulder's fingers were
sheer torment against his balls, massaging gently with his thumb over the
soft skin of his perineum, and Alex spared a thought to wonder just where
this man had learned to be so fucking good in bed. The brief stab of
jealously he felt as he thought of Mulder's previous lovers surprised him,
and he turned his thoughts away from that direction hurriedly, burying his
face in Mulder's pillow.
"Fuck me, Mulder," he said again, gritting his teeth, and he gasped softly
in approval when Mulder pulled away from him to scrabble at the drawer of
the bedside table. Mulder returned after only a few moments, and Alex
looked back over his shoulder to see the unbelievably erotic sight of Mulder
sitting naked on his knees behind him, face flushed and hair disheveled,
tearing at the wrapper of a condom with his teeth. His cock was hard and
heavy between his legs, the tip of it glistening with moisture that Alex
wanted desperately to lick off. When Mulder glanced up to look at him
again, his eyes were shining.
"Just relax, Alex," he said softly, smoothing one hand over Alex's back as
if trying to calm a skittish animal. He looked down again as he rolled the
condom on over his rigid cock, and Alex stared, unable to take his eyes
away. Mulder was going to fuck him. Dear god, it was really going to
happen.
"Please," he whispered, immediately embarrassed by the sound of low pleading
in his voice. But the look Mulder graced him with was full of quiet
affection, and that feeling of dull terror moved through Alex again,
shivering through his bones. He closed his eyes against the sight of
Mulder's face and turned his head forward again, resting his cheek on his
folded arms.
Mulder's body was warm silk as it spread over him, draping over the folded
curve of his back. Alex shivered, unable to help himself, and he gasped
when he felt Mulder's finger slide over his anus, slick and cool with lube.
"Relax," Mulder murmured to him, breath tickling the hair behind his ear.
His finger probed gently into Alex's already moistened opening, creating a
warm burn of friction inside of him. "I'm going to make you feel so good,
Alex..." He nipped lightly at Alex's shoulder and chuckled at the resultant
gasp it earned him.
Once again, Alex allowed himself to float free inside a cloud of boundless
ecstasy, loving the feel of Mulder's hard body above him, the fingers moving
inside him. He started to move his hips at Mulder's urging, fucking himself
slowly on the man's fingers, and Mulder groaned as he nuzzled his face into
the join of Alex's shoulder and neck, lapping up the sweat that pooled
there.
It was almost unbearable when the fingers left him and Alex felt the hard
bluntness of Mulder's cock press up against him, nudging its way forward
slowly but with undeniable urgency. Alex felt Mulder's whole body tense
above him, and Mulder muttered a few choice phrases of his own as he fought
the urge to simply drive into Alex's body and claim him. Alex bit down on
his lip as he felt the muscles at the entrance of his body stretch, and he
squeezed his eyes shut, trying to force himself to relax. Nevertheless, he
was panting heavily with more than just lust by the time Mulder had fully
entered into him.
"You okay?" Mulder asked quietly, brushing Alex's bangs away from his face
with the fingers of one hand. He sounded concerned, and Alex wondered
suddenly what the other man saw in his expression. Alex took a deep breath
and then let it out slowly.
"Yeah," he replied, just as softly. He shifted his knees slightly,
breathing easier as the pain of the entry began its inevitable metamorphosis
into the pleasure that he knew was waiting for him on the other side. He
pressed his hips back against Mulder's groin experimentally and smiled at
the low moan that the action wrenched out of him. "Just fuck me, okay?"
Mulder didn't seem to need any further urging. He tightened his hands
around Alex's waist and began to ride him slowly, pulling out almost
completely before sliding in again, a long, slow, glide that had Alex
gasping and cursing before he even realized they'd begun. Alex's hands
clawed at the sheets beneath him as Mulder kissed him right in between the
shoulder blades, trailing his tongue up the back of Alex's neck to nuzzle in
behind his ear.
"You smell good," Mulder whispered, licking at the skin behind Alex's jaw.
He slid a hand down Alex's quivering side, and Alex moaned for him, lost in
the pure wild joy of being fucked by this man.
Mulder's hand found his and curled their fingers together, holding Alex down
against the mattress for leverage as he plunged in and out of his body. His
other hand slid around Alex's waist to curl around his aching cock, stroking
roughly in time with his deepening thrusts. Alex gasped for breath and
simply held on as Mulder's body moved over him, in him, with him, and his
world narrowed to the panting sweating groaning heat that hung with the
heavy scents of sweat and sex in the air around them.
He knew it couldn't last, couldn't possibly last, but oh, how he wanted it
to go on forever, this hard fast ecstasy that was both penance and
absolution, nightmare and fondest dream. For just this one moment, he felt
cut off from the fucking craziness that his life had become, the hard truth
of knowing that his life was not his own, that everything he said and did
was a lie, an illusion that would shatter with the faintest touch of
reality's cold hand. For just this one, stolen moment, he could believe
that he was what Mulder thought he was, and drown in the simple pleasure of
finding relief in another man's arms.
And then Mulder was tensing above him, biting hard into his shoulder with a
ragged moan as his hips launched into a broken rhythm of wild thrusts
against Alex's ass. Alex arched against him, wanting to feel every bit of
it, and he cried out in mindless empathy at the violent shudders that were
working their way through the other man's frame. After only the briefest of
pauses, Mulder's hand was moving on him again, jerking Alex's cock with an
almost savage desire to have him share this moment with him, and then Alex's
world imploded in a bright scintillation of ecstasy that vibrated out
through every nerve ending in his body, making him scream Mulder's name with
a passion that left his throat raw.
When it was over, he found himself lying on his side with Mulder curled
tightly around him. Mulder was nuzzling his ear absently, giving an
occasional lick to taste the salt of the sweat that dampened his hair there.
Alex couldn't help but smile at that; Mulder's oral fixation was obviously
not confined to sunflower seeds alone.
Alex's leg was half-lying in the wet spot that darkened the mattress beside
him, and he shifted slightly, closing his eyes at the feel of Mulder's warm
body stretched out behind his own. Mulder used the edge of a soft blanket
to wipe off the semen that trickled down between his thighs, cleaning off
Alex's softened genitals as best he could before tossing the wadded-up cover
aside. Then he pulled the thin sheet up over their bodies and snuggled in
closer against Alex's back, sliding an arm around him.
Alex stared forward into the deepening shadows that flocked through the room
and tried to ignore the sharp pain that lanced through him at Mulder's
careful attentions.
"Relax." Mulder seemed to sense his unease with a sixth sense that was
almost accurate enough to warrant an X-file of its own. He pressed a soft
kiss to the base of Alex's neck and hugged his arms tightly around his
chest. "Just get some sleep. This doesn't have to turn into anything that
you don't want it to, okay?"
The words were meant to be encouraging, Alex knew, reassuring him that
Mulder had no expectations of him beyond what they had already shared. The
irony was, he was the one who was thinking that he wished it could turn into
more. He couldn't erase the image from his mind of Mulder's eyes as they'd
looked at him on the couch earlier, so warm and deep and full of subdued
affection. Or the way his hands had felt, gentle and giving and equally
eager to share both pleasure and comfort with him. What would it be like to
be able to pursue a relationship with this man, to think that someday, he
might have a place in this life, in this bed, that wasn't contingent on a
lie?
The fear returned then, cutting cruelly through Alex's post-coital
contentment, but it was too late—the damage had already been done. He
wondered if Mulder would ever know just what had been shared between them
tonight, or just how much it had meant to him.
He wondered if it would make Mulder hate him all the more when he finally
discovered what Alex's true purpose here was.
The thought was almost too painful to bear, and Alex turned his mind away
from it with a bitter smile, concentrating on the warmth and the pleasure of
Mulder's arms around him, the hard body curled against him, legs
intertwining with his own. This was what was important, right here—this
moment, this joy, and the future could just go fuck itself for all he cared.
There would be time enough to think of such things in the morning. For
right now, he would allow himself to be happy, and expect nothing more from
the moment than what it was.
Barricading himself away behind the lies and illusions that sustained him,
Alex allowed himself to relax into Mulder's arms. He listened to Mulder's
slow breathing as it tapered off into the even rhythm of sleep, and he took
a strange sort of comfort in it, almost able to bring himself to believe
that he truly belonged here.
And for a few moments, it was almost enough.
The End 7/7/01
Almost the Real Thing
by Rushlight
Mulder dropped his keys on the table by the door and shrugged out of his
coat, hanging it neatly on the rack beside the sofa. He moved into the
kitchen without looking up, seeming to navigate the cluttered confines of
the small apartment with the unerring confidence of a rat well-used to the
maze it lived in.
