"Well, Walter? Is it true?"
Walter's mouth opened and closed, then opened and closed
again, but at last he simply nodded, still surprised
speechless by the fact that the answer was yes.
Mulder, having gained a modicum of control, promptly lost
it again. His laughter was stopped cold by Alex's voice,
and everything in it. It was just one word, softly spoken,
yet it cut through everything.
"No."
Mulder and Walter both turned to look at him. Since he'd
become their lover, they'd seen him angry, frightened and
worried. They'd seen him happy, sad and indignant. He'd
been both naive and incredibly world-weary. But they'd
never heard him sound so frighteningly cold and desolate
as he had just then. Looking at him made them both
shudder. Their warm, gentle lover was gone. Standing in
the doorway was a man that suddenly looked like a stranger
to both of them. It was shades of the old Alex, and both
Mulder and Skinner felt a chill on their soul.
As if sensing this, as though he'd seen himself in their
eyes, Alex closed his eyes, using the pain of their
reactions to try and chip through the ice that had encased
his heart at hearing Walter's confession.
It had started out innocently enough. Walter had gone to
Kersh's office on yet another trumped-up charge designed
to let Kersh abuse him. While waiting for the man, Skinner
had noticed that the file drawer was open, and his eyes
had caught Alex's name.
All of Walter's protective instincts came on line. He'd
not even debated, had simply pulled the file. A quick scan
was all he had time for, so he'd hidden the papers in his
briefcase and taken them with him when he'd left. In his
own office, a more thorough look had assured him that the
file was full of illegally gathered evidence for various
crimes and a serious threat to his lover. He made a copy
of all the sources, then destroyed it.
He'd shredded it without thinking twice, personally sent
the strips to the incinerator. When he got back, Kersh was
waiting for him. He was accused and threatened, but
Skinner only denied everything. Since Kersh couldn't admit
to the existence of the file, he could only refer to the
incident in vague terms, vague enough that Skinner could
easily lie his way out of it. And he had.
It was only when he got home and told Mulder about it that
he'd begun to realize what he done.
"You're telling me that you, Walter Skinner, A.D. for the
F.B.I., went into another A.D.'s desk without permission,
stole a file containing evidence pursuant to several
federal investigations and then used federal resources and
time to destroy said file and all the evidence within it,
before covering-up the theft and destruction by lying to
your superior?" Mulder's tone held amused disbelief, and
as the rational part of Walter's brain began to function
again, the older man was overwhelmed at the enormity of
his crimes.
Neither of them had noticed Alex's presence in the
doorway, waiting with a pounding heart for Walter to deny
everything.
And now, as his lovers stared at him, Alex fought the
darkness that threatened to take him over, trying
desperately to staunch it like the deep wound it was.
"Alex?" Walter's voice came to him, but he couldn't look
up yet, couldn't let them see.
"Alex, are you okay?" Mulder's voice was full of worry,
and Alex longed to reassure him, but didn't dare speak.
"Talk to me, Alex." Walter's voice had taken on a pleading
tone, but Alex only shook his head, needing them to leave
him alone.
When he felt a gentle touch on his arm, he couldn't
control it any longer. He had to choose between the cold
and the anger, everything else beyond him.
Opening his eyes, he saw Walter, and the anger took over.
He grabbed Walter's shoulders in his hands, and began
shaking the bigger man hard, all but screaming his rage.
"No! Dammit, Walter, don't you see what you've done,
what's happened? How could you, Walter? How could you?" He
was furious, and it was a minute before Mulder's words
reached him.
"Alex, your hand! Alex, let go of him, you're hurting him!
Alex, stop, your hand!"
Alex's confusion cleared as he looked at Walter's right
shoulder where his artificial hand was digging viciously
into the muscle. Horrified, he let go, his face showing
his anguish. With a choked sob, he turned, running out the
door.
He ran for three days. He left messages with Kim's voice-
mail to let Skinner and Mulder know he was okay, but that
was it. The third day, Kim's voice-mail had a new message.
"I don't know and I don't care. But he looks bad."
Softly, Alex stated that he would see them at home at
seven.
Alex found them both waiting for him in the living room.
They were sitting on the couch, and Mulder was holding
Walter's hands, obviously giving support. Walter needed
it.
Kim had been right, he looked bad. It had only been a few
days, but it was apparent that Walter hadn't been
sleeping. Or eating. He looked haggard and worn, and Alex
swore mentally, but knew he'd been right to leave.
"Alex." Walter's voice broke as he said it, and the hands
holding Mulder's tightened.
"Oh, Walter." Alex breathed it out, then moved to his
distraught lover, taking him into his arms. Walter clung,
crying and shaking. Mulder's face was wet with tears as
well, and he didn't look much better than Walter. He was
holding onto both of them, and it was several minutes
before they'd calmed enough to talk, or at least, to
listen to Alex.
"I'm sorry I left, but I honestly felt that I had no
choice. I'll explain everything, as best I can, but you'll
have to be patient with me, and let me do it my way. Don't
interrupt, don't argue, don't say a word, or I'll leave
again and we'll try it another time, is that understood?"
Skinner and Mulder shared a worried look, but he felt them
nod against his chest.
"Good. First of all, you have to know, I didn't run away
because of you. I ran away because of me. I love you both,
that hasn't changed, nothing could change that. In fact,
that's the real reason I left, because I love you so
much." He took a deep breath, and eased them back,
standing up so that he could pace.
"Walter, I've always respected you. Even when we were
enemies, I respected the man you were, what you stood for.
When I was an agent under your charge, I used to wish so
much that I could be like you. I know you're no saint,
trust me. I literally know everything you've ever done and
most of the reasons why."
He paused, facing the couch for a moment, looking into the
dark brown eyes.
"You didn't always do the right thing, Walter, but you
always acted for the right reasons. It was never as simple
as saving your own ass, never. It wasn't enough for you to
save someone else, either, you always weighed the cost,
saw the big picture. Until now. Until me."
Turning, he resumed his slow pacing, just a few steps in
either direction. Mulder was looking at the ground,
Walter's eyes were glued to Alex, hanging on his every
word.
"When we first became lovers, my biggest fear was that I
would change you. That you wouldn't be able to love me,
without changing who and what you were. I didn't care
about changing, I wanted to change, to be what you and
Mulder seemed to think I could be. But I was terrified
that even if I didn't do something myself, I'd ruin you,
just by my presence. You're a good man that learned to do
bad things. I'm a bad guy that's learning to do good. You
know what they say, one rotten apple spoils the whole
barrel. I'm rotten to the core, Walter, as bad as you guys
are good."
Mulder's mouth opened, but Walter put his hand over it
firmly, until Mulder nodded.
"Walter, when I heard what you'd done, I knew I'd been
right. I'd soiled you, tainted you. You didn't even stop
to consider if what you were doing was right or for the
greater good. You just did what you had to do to save my
ass." Alex's mouth quirked just a bit, the merest hint of
a smile flickering, then dying.
"No one's ever loved me like that before, Walter. No one.
I can't thank you enough for that, even though it breaks
my heart that you did. I will, forever, be grateful and
beholden to you."
The emerald eyes bored into Walter's soul as he said it,
wanting to be absolutely certain Walter understood.
Skinner nodded, and Alex continued.
"Anyway, when I heard your confession, I knew I'd been
right. You can't help it, you love me and so you're
willing to sacrifice it all for me. But I wasn't willing.
I was furious that you would do that, for me, when I know
I'm not worth it. You should have told me about the file,
Walter, should have let me handle it. I'm already dirty,
Walter, I'm already guilty, there would have been no cost
to my soul. I could have taken care of everything, and
you'd have still been clean, innocent. And I would have
still had hope." He broke off, took a deep breath, and sat
down in a chair facing the couch.
"Walter, I was furious at what you did, because of what it
did to you, what I was afraid it would take away from me.
You've seen me angry, but you've never seen me furious,
with good reason. When Mulder's furious, he sprays it like
water. He rants and throws things and lashes out at
everyone and everything around him, but it's mostly
harmless. When you're furious, you strike out at the one
thing that's made you that way, nothing else, and you
strike until it's resolved, one way or another. But I
don't do either. That's not how I was trained to act."
He paused again, swallowing hard before continuing.
"I get cold. I get dead inside, so I can stay alive
outside. I do it because that's the only safe reaction,
the only way for me to be safe. But I was furious with
you, and that was different. I knew it would hurt you if I
cut myself off from you. I didn't want to be cold with
you. I didn't want to hurt you, so I tried to be furious,
to let it happen. And I hurt you anyway. I'll bet the
bruises are still visible, aren't they?"
Skinner didn't answer, but Mulder rolled Skinner's sleeve
up, revealing the fingerprints from the crushing force of
Alex's prosthetic grip.
Alex stared at them, the visible expression of what he'd
been trying to say, proof of everything he was afraid of,
a literal translation of his words.
"I left before I did more. Before I did worse. See, it's
not safe for me to be that angry unless I'm cold. And I
can't be cold with you, Walter, so I'm not safe around
you. I love you, Walter, but I'm afraid for you. I'm
afraid to be with you anymore."
Tears were streaming down Walter's face, down Mulder's
face. Mulder had the knuckles of his right hand pressed
firmly between his teeth, and Skinner's jaws were locked
tight with the effort of keeping quiet.
"That's it, guys. That's my reasoning, my explanation. You
can talk now."
"You're right, Alex." Mulder looked at him, stunned at
Walter's first choice of words. He expected Walter to deny
most of what Alex had said, to tell him how wrong he was
about it all. A glance at Alex showed that he had relaxed,
visibly, at Walter's words.
"Thank god, you were listening." Alex muttered it, running
a shaking hand through his hair. Walter sniffled, cleared
his throat, and spoke again.
"Alex, I have an idea, but first I have to know. If we can
agree on a way for you to be angry and still be safe, will
you stay?"
It was the longest, most dreadful pause Mulder had ever
waited through, and it took all his willpower to keep his
mouth shut. He knew this had to be between Walter and
Alex, despite the fact that all three men were in love and
involved. They were the alphas, and though it had taken
some time for Mulder to be able to accept that, he had. It
had helped when Alex assured him that while not an alpha,
he was a new ranking - equal, if different - and that was
why the rules didn't apply to him.
The memory made him smile, and a sharp pang went through
him as he realized that they were in danger of losing Alex
forever. He prayed to everything he'd ever heard of while
he waited, and his grip on Walter's hands tightened until
it should have been painful, but neither of them were even
aware of it.
At last, after what seemed an eternity, Alex raised his
head.
"If we can find a way, and if we can address all my other
concerns to my satisfaction, then yes, I'll stay."
Mulder thought he'd pass out as he released the breath
he'd held almost too long. Walter sagged beside him, and
Alex looked wary. But the emerald eyes had a flicker of
hope in them, and Mulder thought it just might be enough.
Walter held his hand out for Alex, the three of them
coming together in a much needed embrace. No one spoke,
they simply held, scared and unsure, but determined.
It took most of the weekend. It was the hardest thing
they'd ever had to do, in their entire marriage. It
brought out more demons than a Crowely book, and enough
tears to last a lifetime, but they worked at it until they
were all agreed. By Saturday night, even Alex was
satisfied and relaxed.
Sunday they devoted to making love. Not just sex, though
they'd all missed the physical intimacy, the emotional
connection that came through giving themselves to each
other. They made love with everything they did, devoting
themselves to each other, re-affirming their relationship
with every word, every gesture.
Monday night, Walter stood outside the study door. He took
a deep breath, closing his eyes briefly, before opening
the door. Alex was inside, behind the desk. Mulder was
seated a few feet behind him.
"Sir, I have a confession to make." Skinner repeated
everything he'd said to Mulder, being careful not to gloss
over or leave anything out. He told the whole thing again,
and this time Mulder didn't crack a smile. Neither did
Alex.
"Do you understand why what you did was wrong?" Alex's
voice was troubled, but warm and patient.
"Yes, sir." Skinner explained why, and Alex nodded, eyes
almost closed.
"And what should you have done?" Skinner replied,
outlining the steps he could have taken, the options he'd
ignored. Skinner wasn't really looking at Alex, his eyes
focused around the level of Alex's top button instead, and
he was standing at parade rest. He dreaded what was coming
next, but it had been his idea.
"Correct. The only thing left is punishment. Not for
revenge, or to be cruel, but to help you remember. Pain,
so the lesson isn't easily lost. Do you agree?"
"Yes, sir." Skinner noticed Mulder make a couple of slow,
almost silent moves, as Alex came around the desk. Alex
put a hand on Walter's face, and pressed a kiss to the
firmly set mouth before stepping back just a bit.
"Drop your pants."
"Yes, sir." Skinner did so, noticing out of the corner of
his eye that Alex had picked up a crop from the side of
the desk. He swallowed hard, but said nothing.
"Over."
"Yes, sir." Skinner leaned across, locking his grip on the
sides. He kept his eyes open but deliberately didn't look
at Mulder, not daring to distract him.
"Six, Walter. Doubled everytime we have to repeat a
lesson, is that understood?"
"Understood, sir."
"Then let's finish this." So saying, he drew back,
snapping the crop down sharply. It left a clean, perfectly
level welt. Walter inhaled deeply through his nose,
clenching his teeth through the exhale. Five more, equally
precise landed and while he didn't say a word or budge an
inch, it took all his will not to do so. But then it was
done, and Alex had thrown the crop on the floor.
Alex gently eased the sweatpants up, then helped Walter to
stand.
"Don't do it again, Walter."
Not trusting his voice, Walter could only shake his head.
"Then we're done." As soon as he said it, his calm facade
disappeared, and Alex's face showed the strain of what
he'd just done. He reached for Walter, and they held to
each other desperately, reassuring each other.
"Is it safe, Alex?" Mulder's voice was still tense, and
Alex turned gratefully to him.
"Yes. It's alright now."
Thankfully, Mulder put down the taser he'd been aiming at
Alex, and moved to join his lovers. He needed reassuring
almost as much as they had, and Mulder accepted the hugs
gratefully.
It had not been an easy solution. Walter had suggested
that Alex assign himself a role for punishing, knowing
that would focus the rage, without letting him go cold.
Alex agreed, but the problem had been what role to take.
There was no father figure in Alex's tortured past, none
that would provide a good model.
At last, Mulder asked him if there had ever been a time
when he'd felt loved, or at least, given affection, while
being punished. He'd recalled a Master that he'd been
loaned to for a few months, a payment for services
rendered to the Consortium. The man had been stern and
strict, but fair, a rarity in Alex's experience. He'd been
genuinely fond of Alex, had tried to buy him when his time
was up, and Alex would have gone willingly, but he'd not
been for sale.
He remembered that when this Master had whipped him, there
hadn't been anger or malicious glee. There had been a
strong sense of it being for his own good, that he wanted
to help Alex be better, nothing more. He'd dreaded the
punishments but had never feared them, knowing he was
still cared for. It was the best role he had, and so
they'd gone with it.
It was the reason for the formal phrasing and setting, why
Alex whipped him with a crop, although for less serious
offenses, he'd often been spanked instead. Walter had
agreed that this warranted a severe punishment, but he was
relieved that it would be just Alex's hand usually.
Mulder had been back-up, a safety net for both men. If
Alex lost control, Mulder would zap him, and save Walter.
Walter didn't have to worry about Alex going too far, and
more importantly, Alex didn't have to fear it. He'd wanted
Mulder to use a gun, but Mulder had flat out refused,
citing the things that could go wrong. A taser was seen as
an acceptable compromise by both men.
And now, Walter eased back from his first punishment at
the hands of his lover, and asked quietly, "Alex? Are you
satisfied? Will you stay?"
"For as long as you want me." It was a promise, and kisses
mixed with tears, sealing the pact.
THE END.
Turn About
by Raven
The look on Walter's face was priceless. Shock, dismay and
embarrassment all warred for top billing, with shock
winning out easily. Mulder's laughter only made things
worse.
