I am the Escaped One
I am the escaped one,
(Fernando Pessoa)
My father was a strict man. Whenever one of us did something wrong, we would
get a beating we could feel at least for one week. But that wasn't what we
feared. We knew, he had other ways to punish us.
I had just turned ten years old, when I saw it. I was a post-war child. We
never had much money. Our dad had to make sure to bring me and my brothers and
sisters up.
There was no chance of getting nicer clothes or toys. We
were brought up to regard things like this as a luxury we could not afford. I
knew that, but still, the first time I laid eyes on it, I wanted to have it. I
didn't care about the price. I didn't care about anything but ëit.ë 'It' was a
stuffed animal. A fox to be exact. It seemed to just lay there resting it's
head on its tail, regarding the world unmoved. The lazy eyes never following
anything, content with itself. I could have looked at it for hours. Just
standing there and admire its sleek grace. I knew better than to ask my parents
for it.
I gave up the idea of ever owning it. It was too beautiful to stay where I was
staying. My brothers would tear it apart within seconds. It would get dirty. It
was my fox, and I wanted him, but not with me. It was enough to just walk by
the shopping window every day, where it was displayed.
My father usually brought his money home Friday evening. We would sit there,
waiting for him, so he could show us what he had earned, and then mom would
take the money to get some food for us. Fridays were a delight. Everyone was in
a good mood. My father felt needed, my mother felt like a good mother, and we
felt loved. This Friday evening was just like every other Friday. We waited for
dad to come home, and when he did, he showed us the money. That was the moment
I first thought about stealing it. I knew where my mom kept the money, and I
was sure that she wouldn't notice the missing dollar. That was all I needed.
Just this one dollar, and then I could keep the fox with me. Forever. No one
would have to know about it. I could keep him hidden. It was so easy to take
the money. So easy to walk to the shop with it. Holding in my hand the dream I
didn't want to give up. I couldn't do it. I was so close.
But I kept imagining my mom finding out about this, and I couldn't. Not even
for my fox. I never even entered the shop. I stood outside, looking into these
eyes that tried to talk me into buying it. I wanted to, I really did. I didn't.
I walked back as fast as I could. All the way home I had the terrible feeling
that my actions would turn against me. That I wouldn't make it back in time,
and they would have find out that their son was a thief. A criminal. A liar. I
made it home in record time and I was home before they noticed there was money
missing.
Dad caught me when I tried to put it back. I tried to tell him, tried to
explain to him, that I hadn't done anything. I was just returning it. He
wouldn't have it. I remember the way he looked at me when he called me a thief.
I knew that this time I wouldn't get a beating.
This time he would kill me. I saw a rage in his eyes that I hadn't seen before.
Well, he didn't kill me, and then again, maybe that was what he did. He just
did it slower, less messy. He stopped talking. Doesn't sound that hard, and I
guess for him it wasn't. He ignored me. He told me that no one was allowed to
talk to me for as long as he wanted it this way. He ignored me. That was his
punishment. That was his way to tell me that I had stopped existing for him.
His way to show me that I was nothing. He also told my mom not to talk to me.
Sometimes she would look at me, her eyes filled with sadness over my bad deed,
but she would not say a word. No one disobeyed my father. Not even his wife.
I remember that I thought myself lucky for not getting a beating, and lucky
that he hadn't done something worse. That was before. Before I felt the silence
spreading like a disease around me. My brothers and sisters started ignoring
me. So did my friends and the neighbors. He had told them what I had done, and
they despised me for it. As long as no one talked to me my existence was of no
importance. I could do whatever I wanted to do. I came home too late, I wore
dirty clothes to school, I beat up on younger kids, but soon I realized that
even that was of no meaning. No one allowed himself to be touched by my
actions, so there really wasn't anything I did. I felt how I disappeared. Every
minute of every day I struggled to be seen. Just a look, a word, a touch, but
whatever I did, it went unnoticed.
Thinking about it today, I remember the feeling this gave me. I had tried to do
the right thing. I had left the one thing behind I loved, so I could live with
myself. I loved my parents and friends and brothers and sisters with all my
heart. I would go through fire for them. But they wouldn't. One thing. One
moment of my life made them turn their backs on me. They did not understand
what that did to me. I felt as if I was fading away just in front of their
eyes. No one tried to help me. At night I started having nightmares, but my
screams stayed unanswered. The coldness around me would not leave me. I wasn't
a bad kid. Not back then. I don't want to say that I am what I am because of
the things I went through. You just are what people see in you. If they don't
see you, you are not there. If they see a bad person, you are a bad person. My
father went through with his punishment for almost a month.
It was like a lifetime full of experiences for me. If you would ask me today
what made me the person I am with all the good and bad sides I can put my
finger on this time span. And still I am not there. I learned that I could do
everything. I just had to take care not to be caught. I lived on this knowledge
and I survived on it.
I don't want to make excuses for my actions. I made mistakes. I decided wrong
and ultimately, I paid the price. I still can't walk with my head up through a
crowd. I still get the chills when my phone rings or there's a knock on the
door. I know it can't be anything good. I have no friends that call or visit
me, yet enough enemies that would like to see me dead. So I spend the time
alone with my thoughts. Alone with just the knowledge of my wasted life. But
that's how I can exist. Between the shadows. Now, I play it the other way
around. When I was a kid I turned into nothing because people didn't see me.
Now people don't see me because there is nothing there to see anymore. And
that's good. That's my peace.
The first time I met him, he was not only Fox to me, he was my fox. He was the
one thing I had left behind. The one thing I wanted. Again, I knew I couldn't
have him. I would only degrade him. Just like I did it then. They asked me to
send him to the top of the mountain. I could have done it so easily. He would
have loved me for it. He would have never found out who I was and why I was
with him. So easy. Still I couldn't do it. They didn't want him dead. Not yet.
They promised me that I could be with him. They wanted me to be with him. That
was their plan, and my dream. I hadn't changed enough yet. I was still too much
the kid my parents had wanted me to be. With letting him go there, I would have
supported their cause. His quest would have been the one thing lost on the way
up there.
It was in the end easier than I had thought it to be. To give him up, I mean. I
stopped him, like I had stopped myself as a child. I gave him up, and the
punishment this time was even harder. Giving up a stuffed animal had been easy.
Easy compared to what I felt when I realized that I had lost him. Though I knew
that we were not meant to be.
When I came to him to offer my help it was the fatal attempt of a ten year old
to get back a life that was lost long ago. I should have known better. I asked
him not to call them. If more people would find out about my little guilt trip,
the bigger the danger would be for me. I wanted to give him his sacred truth.
But I did not want to die. He said it would stay between him and me. He said he
would give me the time to run before he would use the knowledge I gave him.
That was my present for him. The gift of truth. For all the wrongs I did to him
I wanted to give him this.
There was of course something else as well. I learned that behind everything I
have been doing lately there was something in it for me. All I wanted was one
person that would care if I was dead or alive. And if it was just because of my
knowledge that was okay with me. But he wouldn't listen, couldn't wait. Not
even my precious information was worthy enough reason for him to keep me safe.
I should have known better than to trust him.
He called them the same evening he promised me not to. I slept in his bed,
feeling safe and secure for the first time in such a long while. I craved that
feeling more than anything else. I even felt for a second as if I could turn
around my life. I knew I wouldn't make it out of this mess alive, but whatever
short span I had left I had the chance to undo some of the bad things that made
me the person I am. In his eyes at least. While I slept, he talked to them on
the phone, telling them to get me, and when I woke up they were there to take
me away. They brought me to a safe house so no one could kill me, and so that I
couldn't escape.
I stopped trying at that moment. Stopped trying to run away, and for the first
time since I started in this game I also stopped trying to stay alive. It was
not as if anyone, not even myself, cared where or if I was, so jail was just
about as good a place as any other. He came to see me. Asked me questions. He
took the only part of me that was important to him. I gave him his answers.
With that, I gave him what was left inside of me. My father once took my being
within one month, and I had tried for years to fill this hollowness with
something else. With power, with hate, with information. I read books, made the
authors experiences my own, stole glances of people that looked happy to me. I
made their dreams my own. I filled my heart with the love for him, knowing that
I would never have him. How could I love someone that could see me. Whoever it
would be would find me empty. He never tried to find out who I was. That gave
me the security I needed. Loving him was my insurance. Not only to safety, but
also to sanity. It was the voice that talked to me when everyone else turned
away.
I gave him what I had. I emptied myself once more, knowing that this time
whatever life span I had in front of me would not be enough to refill what he
had taken. It was not his fault though; I betrayed him. He betrayed me right
back. That's the way things are. I should have grown used to it by now. At the
end I told him that I wasn't mad at him for doing what he did. I know he didn't
care but I had to say it anyway. I also told him that I would not know him from
now on. Wherever my life would take me, I would not see him anymore. I don't
know if it was the right choice, but I couldn't see him anymore. It was too
painful. Life was too painful. I had once again forgotten that real life was
something to stay away from. Something too dangerous, even for me.
That was over a month ago now. I haven't seen him since. They allowed me to
leave after I had told them everything I knew. That was the deal. They were so
happy that my own freedom was all I wanted in return for my information. I
would have given it away for free.
I am still in Washington. Not because I like it here. I just lack the power to
go somewhere else. They gave me an apartment and some money. Part of a deal
they decided on. I just said okay. That's where I have been for the last month.
Trying to fix what is to fix, trying to get myself together so I can start
breathing again. Failing as always. I sit on the floor and I see the book I
have been reading for the last month. I am still on the first page. Whenever I
pick it up, I can't help thinking that it's not mine. It's theirs. Their story,
their emotion. I am stealing it, just like I stole that money over 25 years
ago, like I stole my love for you, from you.
I am sorry. Can you hear me Mom? I am sorry, I didn't think about it. It was
there; I took it. Can't you tell Dad I am sorry? I am so tired of running from
him. Tired of his power over me.
I am sorry that you both died before I was able to ask you to give me back my
life. Now the chance is gone.
I am depressing myself again. I have to leave this apartment. There is a bar
right over the street. Maybe a cheap booze can fill me. At least for tonight.
Part Two: Worthless Lie
Mulder:
When he came to me with his offer to help, I couldn't believe it. He was the
man who had murdered my father. The man I hated more than anyone else, and he
was supposed to be the one giving me what I had always wanted. I promised him
whatever he wanted to hear.
He looked tired, but I didn't think about that until later. I told him he
should sleep for a while, and that we could talk about the rest tomorrow.
He believed me.
He slept.
Peacefully.
In my bed.
I couldn't believe the chance he had offered me. I called Scully and then
Skinner. They arranged for him to be brought in. He woke up when five Agents
entered the room, and he didn't even fight while they took him away. I stayed
in the living room avoiding a confrontation with him. When they brought him
past me, he didn't look at me. He walked slowly in between the two agents. They
twisted his arms, it must have hurt him like hell, but he didn't move. I
wondered for a second how long you must be on the run before you simply stop
caring what will happen to you. It didn't even dawn me at first that he must
have thought that they were there to kill him. Maybe that was why he came to
me. Maybe he wanted to put an end to it all. But he had asked me to give him
time to run. He wanted to live. He had trusted me to keep him alive. That was
what he wanted in return for the truth. I could have given it to him, I just
didn't think about it at that time. After all, he was someone I hated. My
enemy.
I felt something remotely like guilt, but I soon dismissed it as my own much
too good heart. He was a killer, ruthless. He didn't deserve better. I was so
sure of that until I saw him the next day. He had stopped looking tired. He
looked dead. He didn't even wait for me to ask the right questions. He started
talking about everything he knew. I just wrote down whatever words left his
mouth and five hours later I realized that I had what I needed. Everything I
needed. All the facts, names, numbers. The proof I had searched for all my
life. This could maybe even help me to find my sister. That was the moment I
also realized that I held a man's life in my hands. His past and, profoundly,
also his future.
When he looked at me with these cold green eyes that always seemed so distant
and told me that he wasn't mad at me, I saw for one second things from his
point of view. He had trusted me. He had laid his life into my hands and I had
endangered it without even thinking about it. He gave me the way out of this.
His ignorance was the best thing that could happen to me. I wanted him out of
my life, and he took himself out of it. I didn't even have to do anything; I
just had to betray him like he had betrayed me. He deserved no better. But
still, I started to feel for him. If I think about it today, that was maybe how
it had to be. Call it fate. He stopped caring for himself, so I took over.
Still, I couldn't tell him that. I left. I made him feel as if his information
was all he was worth. I took from him all he had and left him to die. Alone, as
he had lived alone. That same evening, I talked to Scully on the phone for over
two hours, until I was almost sure that she would shoot me if I didn't let her
go to sleep soon. I needed the reassurance that I was not alone. That I had a
partner in my fight. When I tried to sleep I couldn't stop seeing his eyes. The
ones full of trust when he was standing in my apartment, and then the ones he
had when telling me that I was out of his life. It hurt like hell to realize
that I had been his partner. I had been the one that shared his fight. At least
in his dreams
I haven't seen him since that day. He cut a deal with the FBI and is free now.
They have not killed him, at least as far as I know. I find myself wondering
more and more often where he is. I miss him. I miss the way he made me hate
him. I miss the way he always seemed to find a way into my life. Looking at it
I had to learn that he had never really betrayed me. He had lied to me, he had
hidden a few things, but in the end it was always to keep me from greater harm.
I lie awake at night and ponder the questions only he has the answers to. Now
they have nothing to do with the consortium, but with me. I want to know why he
saved my life, why he risked his life again and again to give me the
information I needed, and why it was my door he knocked on to come clear with
his past. Why did he trust me, why did he forgive me, and most of all where was
he. It's too late now. His words that were a blessing for me once are now here
to haunt me.
"You will not be a part of my life anymore, Mulder! I am free of you and your
search for the truth. I'll go my way, and you'll go yours."
I hear them every night. I see green eyes in a crowd and they haunt me. I lie
awake and ask myself who he is. Could there have been an 'us?' Was I really a
part of his life, and if I was, why did I throw it away? Scully thinks I am
getting sick. She doesn't know how to help me. I don't sleep anymore. I started
searching for him. Not like I search for my sister. For her, I search in my
files. Him, I search in my life. I enter a room and I hope he is there. I know
he is somewhere around me. Sometimes I can feel his closeness. I think I was
the one to finally kill him. He was my survivor. Even when I hated him, I had
to grin at the thought of him escaping one trap after another. He was my equal;
he was my counterpart. The man I saw the last time had lost that. Is he still
the survivor he was?
Scully is taking me out tonight. She says I need a good time so I can be in a
better mood again. I do as she tells me. I know she loves me, and that's what
keeps me sane. We end up at this bar and just stepping in, I think that this is
his kind of place. I can imagine him sitting there in the dark corner. Alone.
Just like I always imagine him. Has someone like him a family? Is there someone
who loves him, like Scully loves me? The moment I ask myself this question I
already know the answer. I hope though that he has one. Because if not, he must
feel even more hollow and dead than I do. I keep an eye on the dark corner. His
corner. I can't look away, and then I see him.
I can't believe it at first. I never dared to hope to ever see him again. It
feels like a dream, I can't act, can't talk to him. Who am I to deserve this.
He came to me with trust, and I betrayed him.
I look at him and take in the way he moves. The catlike movements I admired so
much when I first met him are gone. Gone also the lethal look he used to have.
Like I imagined it, he walks towards the end seat of the bar. Darkness
surrounds him. No one seems to have noticed that he entered the room. I
remember a time when his presence turned all the heads. Now he melts into the
shadows. If there were a court to punish my sins, I would accept a death
sentence for doing this to him. For taking away from all the other people in
the world the one person he could have been.
He has to ask the bartender for a drink. The man would not see him, and the
ease of this tells me that he is used to it. His eyes scan the room, but he
doesn't see me yet. He turns his head away again and looks at the glass in
front of him. I can't take my eyes away from him. He looks tired, but I can't
even remember seeing him any other way. Looking at him there my heart melts and
I finally understand my obsession with him. I have to admit to myself that
everything he does affects my life. I don't live as long as he doesn't see what
I am doing. His life is mine, and that must mean that I love him. Scully calls
out my name and from the irritation in her voice I can hear that it's not the
first time she does it. She has not seen him. No one has. I am the only one in
this room who notices his presence.
"Mulder? What is wrong with you? You look as if you've seen a ghost!"
I can't answer her. Not yet. Alex leans forward and orders a new drink. While
he is talking to the bartender I go to see the DJ. Scully calls out behind me,
but I don't even hear what she is saying. I have an idea, a plan so to speak,
and I need his attention for that. I can't just walk up to him, but I can't let
him go away without him knowing what I feel. Just like he wanted to use his
last chance to change his life with putting everything he had into my hands, I
need to do the same thing now with him. He is my chance for a life. He is the
truth I have been searching for all my life. I ask the DJ to play a special
song, and sensing my desperation he does. While I am talking to him Alex
finally sees me. He just looks at me, no surprise, no emotion showing. The
moment the singer starts I can see him tense though. He knows the pain. So do
I.
The sheets won't need changing everyday
We never even had that, but still I feel that I miss it. I can imagine coming
home to him so vividly that it feels as if I did it all my life. I hope he
understands what I want to say. It's my last chance.
And when she calls I hope it's you that dials
I love Scully, don't get me wrong, still, he is the ally I need. I look at him,
and to my surprise I look right into his eyes. I walk towards him. He turns
away. I know, Alex. The pain is deep. I am sorry. I stand right behind him now,
and he still doesn't turn around. I am out of his life. He told me that he
would not see me anymore. I have to make him see though. I lean forward to
whisper into his ear.
"I played this song for you. If you can't listen to me, listen to it."
The family pack seems larger then it should
I feel him sag towards me. He still doesn't turn around so I simply put my arms
around him from behind. I whisper the song along with the singer into his ear.
It feels so right to hold him like this. He still is tense. Trust doesn't come
easy to people like him, and I betrayed him before.
An Ambulance flashed past me in the street
And as you lay there alone in the ward
When I saw him standing there talking to this man, it was him, just like I
remembered him. All confident. Beautiful. I wanted to steal from his life again
just like I had done all those years. I would have, a few months ago, now even
my shell is not strong enough to be filled with your light. I knew he wouldn't
see me. No one does. That's my way to hide, my way to stay alive. Then he
turned around and looked at me. Straight at me. I don't know what to do. I
haven't looked into anyone's eyes for so long now. This song. It's wonderful.
It's for me. He said it was for me. He went to the DJ and told him to play this
song because he wanted me to hear this. I don't care about anything but this.
It makes me feel special. I know he will turn around and leave as soon as the
song is over. I am not stupid anymore. I learned my lesson. He was a good
teacher.
But for now I use this moment to fill me up. A memory of my own. Feelings I can
analyze and remember when I am alone. I want to thank him for this, but I can't
talk. Maybe it's better this way. Maybe he's just a dream, and the moment I'll
open my mouth he will disappear. I feel his arms around me. I don't want to
move. He'll leave if I move. It can't be a dream though. I see Scully standing
on one of the tables. I don't like her, she wouldn't be in my dream. She looks
surprised. There he is, your partner, hugging a killer. I don't care. Maybe
she'll come over and shoot me. I would welcome death. The song is right.
When I die I hope it's you I'm beside.
When he actually says the words, I didn't even dare thinking, I feel like I am
dying. I always thought I would see death coming. A bullet flying towards me. A
knife, a fist, I could never imagine that death could be so wonderful. I am
still empty, but I don't care anymore, because he is giving me life. Those
words tell me that there will be someone grieving when I am gone. I recall the
way I felt for him before he betrayed me. I can't, I gave it back to him. I
won't try to take it away from him, not again, but I enjoy this.
Somehow I am still breathing. His arms are strong around me. He holds me up,
kissing away the tears from my eyes that I can't even remember shedding. I see
Scully coming towards us.
Us.
She looks mad. No, not really mad. Surprised though. She calls his name but he
doesn't react. I know this feeling so I take my hand up to his face. He looks
at me and I direct his look to Scully. He seems to tell her something with his
eyes, and she seems as always to understand. She smiles gently at him. I wish
someone would have a smile like this reserved for me, like she has it reserved
for him. I envy him.....well, nothing new there. She seems to take it well,
maybe she hasn't recognized yet who I am. Maybe I am not really here. She tries
to look mad when she asks him:
"Worthless Lie, come on, Mulder, I give you five years of my life and you call
me a worthless lie? I know he is cuter then I am, but that is pissing me of."
He takes in the mocking tone and smiles. I can't see it but I feel his lips
moving on the back of my head, and he tells her he loves me. I still can't say
anything. I feel as if I am falling. Scully looks at me concerned. She asks me
if I am okay. It's the first time someone asks me how I am in such a long time
that it finally hits me.
Mulder is here. He is holding me strong and safe to him, and he just told
Scully that he loves me. Mulder and Scully seem to sense at the same moment
that there is something wrong with me. Mulder lifts me from my seat and helps
me to stand up. I don't want to stand up. I want to stay where I am with his
arms around me. I want to tell Scully I am okay. I want to feel like a normal
human being. With a lover and friends and people that see him. Before I know
what happened I sit in Mulder's car and he is leaned over me. Maybe I don't
look too good, because now, out in the lights of the parking lot both Scully and
Mulder seem shocked. I don't know how I look I don't own a mirror. I didn't
exist until five minutes ago, why should I have a mirror.
Part Three: Finding
Finding
I found
(Monika Muehleisen)
When I finally looked at him in the light I was terrified. He looked as if he
had lost half his weight during the last month. His hair is filthy and it seems
as if he had even less sleep than me.
We took him to the hospital, Scully as caring and helping as she could be. He
passed out several times on our drive there, and whenever he was awake he just
kept staring at me. When I took his hand he closed his eyes again and sighed
happy. Now that I faced my feelings for him, I am overflowing with love. Scully
drove and that was good, because I couldn't take my eyes of him. When we got
there they told us what we had already figured. He needed food and rest, and
they gave us a diet for him, to help him gain weight as fast as possible. I
asked him for his address, to get a few of his things. I would not leave him
alone, but he needed clothes and a toothbrush at least before we could go to my
apartment. He took it the wrong way. I saw his face. I felt his loss at if it
was my own, when he realized that I would bring him home.
How could I let you go, Alex? Now that I finally found you.
I couldn't. I told him that I would take him home with me, but he still looked
as if he didn't believe me. He still hadn't said a word, simply handed me his
wallet with the address in it. Already on the way Scully and I were both
shocked to see what he had turned into. This submissive person with no own will
was not the Alex Krycek we knew. But then again, we never really knew him. His
apartment was in a rather nice area and close to the club we had met him. I
knew the FBI had paid for his apartment, but Skinner had made sure, that I
would not get the information about his whereabouts. It was one of our old safe
houses.
When I entered his apartment it gave me the creeps. Scully was right behind me.
Alex was not leaving the car, and I didn't want to make him to. He didn't want
to go back here. Seeing it, I knew perfectly well why. There was nothing in
there. No TV, no couch, no furniture. A bedroom with a mattress is all that
shows that someone lived here. And a book; open on the first page. I couldn't
stop the tears running down my face. I did this to him. There was nothing he
cared about anymore, but still it was my hand he was holding on to when he felt
lost. Scully's arms sneaked around my waist when she realized that I was
crying. As much as I needed her comfort, I couldn't stay close to her. It
reminded me of the thing he didn't have. The way she is handling this new
revelation shows that she knows me maybe better than I know myself. She must
have known what I felt before I realized it myself. Knowing her, I knew that
she will support me and Alex as much as she can as long as I need her to. I
couldn't tell her how much that meant to me, but I guess she knows.
We stopped on the way to my apartment to buy him everything he would need. I
was not letting him go back there, and nothing could make me go back. No
way. He seemed glad about that. When we had returned to the car, he was
waiting, his eyes closed. He had started to tremble and I couldn't stop
worrying about him. He looked so fragile, so vulnerable that I wished I could
crawl under his skin, giving him somehow back what I had taken. When he looked
at me and his sweet lips curled into a smile he took my breath away. I held him
close to me, all the way to my apartment, and slowly the trembling subsided.
When we finally arrived, he was almost sleeping in my arms. He made a conscious
effort though to stay awake, and he had not fully relaxed yet.
Here we are now. He is sleeping in my bed again. It took a while for him to
settle down. I almost carried him from the car to my apartment, he lost so much
weight that it wasn't even hard to do. He clung to me all the way, and Scully
couldn't hold back a grin at that. He still hasn't said a word, and I was
wondering if he maybe had a shock. I was helping him to undress and put him
firstly under the shower. Scully was sensitive enough to give us our privacy
and prepared some food in the kitchen.
To make things easier I stepped with him
under the warm spray of the shower. Not that he would have let go of me in the
first place. It was a bit awkward to undress while his arms were still around
me. But I managed it somehow. Feeling his naked skin against mine was a sensual
overload I had not expected. Even when I looked at him naked, seeing the
desolate condition he was in, I couldn't will down my growing erection. I
couldn't believe it. Scully was in the kitchen, he looked like dead, falling
almost asleep even under the shower, and still it took all my willpower not to
ravage him. He seemed to enjoy my inner battle.
Instead of helping me, he
grinned at me—the first sign of the Alex I had fallen in love with—and
gently ran his fingers along the length of my shaft. I almost jumped at the
touch, not knowing if I should run away or lean closer. He made the decision
for me. He leaned in closer, softly purring at the contact. That was what he
had seemed to need, the knowledge that I would respond to him. For everything
else he was too tired. I had to smile at the idea. My Alex was a tease. This
was promising. I stepped with him into the spray and soaped him as fast as
possible. He was luxuriating in the touch and seemed disappointed when I almost
hauled him out the shower. There was only that much I could take, and I had no
intention of fucking a sleeping man, so I had to get out. But I had to learn
something about him right then. He was maybe a tease, but he would also always
deliver on his promises.
Before I was able to get a towel to dry him and me, he
slid down my body and was suddenly on his knees in front of me, his luscious
mouth right in front of my dick that was calling for attention, then even more
than ever before. He looked at it as if it was his price, letting his tongue
slid out to lick the head softly. Never in my life had I felt something like
this. His hands were busying themselves on my ass, slowly stroking and petting
the cheeks. This was heaven for me. Heaven in it's purest sense.
Without
warning he looked up at me, and swallowed me to the root. I wanted to stay
quiet, I really did. I knew Scully would hear me, but I couldn't hold back the
scream that was forming in my throat. I don't know how he did it, but he had
more conscious thought than I had, and before a sound left my mouth, his hand
came up and covered my mouth. All that was heard was a really loud moaning, and
our labored breathing. I couldn't care less though if Scully heard it or not,
because before I could even remember that she was there, he was using his
tongue and mouth to drive me fucking insane. It didn't take long for me to come
to the point of no return. I felt my orgasm build at high speed, and with one
whispered "Alex" on my part, I exploded in his mouth.
The next thing I
remembered was that I was lying beside him on the bathroom floor, feeling his
tongue, that had made me pass out a few moments ago, licking my neck. He was
spooned up behind me, and seemed to have no intention of getting up from the
floor. I turned my head to look at him, and saw for the first time the glimpse
of the man he could have been, if he had had his amount of happiness. His eyes
were half closed, and his face totally relaxed. His face was flushed and
looking sexy as hell. I have never felt like this about anyone, and seeing him
here like this, I knew, that I could never let him go. Since he didn't seem to
have the strength to stand up, I scooped up myself, thinking of Scully, who
would be really surprised finding us both asleep on the floor. I dried him,
while he was lying on the floor, not moving. Then I got dressed and wrapped him
in my robe. I helped him to stand up, and he allowed me to lead him to the
bedroom.
Scully was already waiting in the living room, coming inside when she heard us
leaving the bathroom. She couldn't hold back her smug grin when she looked at
me. She wasn't even asking what had taken so long. I guess one look at us was
enough for her to know anyway. If I looked just half as satiated as I felt, I
could wear a sign saying: I just had the best blowjob of my life.
I was putting him to bed, trying to ignore Scully's look, trying to ignore his
hand that was travelling up my thigh. Succeeding with both for the moment. I
thought he would fall asleep the moment he hit the mattress, but he didn't.
Instead, he took a hold of my hand, gripping it harder then I would have
thought he had the power to. While I was still trying to persuade him to let go
of me, Scully came up behind me, pushing me towards the bed, indicating me to
lie down beside him. She told me that she would have to go get some food, since
I didn't have enough to eat, and that we both needed some sleep now. The moment
I was beside Alex, he had moved closer, resting his head on my shoulder,
sleeping the moment he realized that I would not leave. She smiled at that once
more, kissing me on the cheek, and ruffling through his hair.
Sleep doesn't come as easy to me. I watch him for a while. He was the one
searching for salvation, and in the end it was me finding it.
The end
Tales
by Ratfink
Part One: Escaped
After I was born
They locked me up inside me
But I left.
My soul seeks me,
Through hills and valley,
I hope my soul
Never finds me.
My life remained the same. Sure, I am older now. I am stronger. I lived through
hell once, and now, being who I am, I learned to handle things. Seeing my life
though, I have to realize that I am still the ten year old, sitting in his
room, waiting for someone to say a word. Something. Something to tell me I was
still there.
The freeze supplies should last a week
Those hidden little points that you're away
Nothing much has changed since you were here.
I hope it's you that feels this love inside
And when I touch her I hope it's you that smiles
And when I die I hope it's you I'm beside
Two for one's not good if there's just one
I'd raise a bigger smile if I could
But me minus you equals none
And when we kiss she knows it's you I kiss
Cause when we kiss I always start to cry
You just can't cover up these lying lips
When I die I hope it's you I'm beside
To die with her would be a worthless lie
To die with her would be a worthless die
To die together would be worth a try
To die together would be worth a try
Just yards from where we were to meet
I was half hoping you were dead meat
That it was you that was under the sheet
Fumbling for the keys for death' door
At least I had summed up the nerves
To whisper you these words
Finally
Quietly
Actually
I love you
and didn't know
that I had been searching
But when I found
the flash flood
of my yearnings
broke through
and
with overwhelming
powerlessness
inundated
my
waiting fields
