"He is so hot."
"Aaalexxx. He's eeeevillll." Mulder dropped into the opposite
corner of the couch.
Alex's head swiveled slowly. One blink. Two. "And this would be...
bad?"
Mulder ignored the shiver that husky voice raised, and waved at
the screen. "Aaaaleeeexxxx. He's a monster. You're rooting for
the monster."
"Oh puh-leeeze, Mulder. Like you never root for the monster. And
stop whining. You know what it does to me when you whine."
Mulder grinned as Alex's voice dipped another notch toward
'growl'. "That's why I doooo iiit."
"I'm going to ignore that. If I take time out now to make you
whimper, I'll get distracted and have to rewind this whole
episode." Alex turned purposefully back toward the tv.
Mulder contemplated the on-screen action for a moment, sighing as
a besotted Alex chortled at one of Spike's nastier lines. "I root
for misunderstood monsters. Not monster-monsters."
"How'dya know Spike's not misunderstood? Besides, he's a cute
monster. He's adorable when he doesn't have that bumpy forehead
thing going on. He's got such a wonderful sick sense of humor. And
at the moment he's giving me a total wheelchair fetish." Alex
swung his feet up and nestled them into Mulder's lap, leaning back
against the arm of the couch, eyes never leaving the tv.
Mulder tweaked a toe. "Alex. That is a completely inappropriate
comment."
"Says the man who can't keep his lips off my amputation," came the
soft mutter from the other end of the couch.
"ALEX."
"Oh sorry, I'm not supposed to notice, right?" He added a sunny
smile to the oh-so-innocent voice.
"I do that for you!" Mulder protested, one finger running up and
down the sole of Alex's right foot.
"Uh hunh. Right."
"I do! I want you to know it doesn't bother me." The foot twitched
and jerked in his lap and he switched to using his thumbs to rub
with more pressure. The fact that this pressed Alex's heel harder
into his crotch was merely an attractive side effect.
"Oh, I know alright. Believe me, I've noticed how much it doesn't
bother you." Alex twisted his foot.
"Stop with the eyebrows!"
"Relax, Mulder. I love you as perverted as you are."
The word 'love' fell to the couch between them and rested there on
an uncomfortable cushion of tense silence. Mulder tried dutifully
not to react but then he noticed his hands had stopped moving on
the feet in his lap. Feet which were suddenly very still, when
they had been squirming pleasantly just seconds ago. Moving his
thumbs in a smooth, hard sweep up the arching foot, he cleared his
throat and stared fixedly at the screen. "You know, what I really
don't like is the way they burst into dust on contact during the
stakings."
Grateful for the less-than-smooth change of subject, Alex jumped
on the statement. "Oh sure. Complain about my boy Spike being
eeevil but then bitch that you don't get more blood and gore
when the vampires get stabbed?"
"I'm not asking for more blood and gore—"
"Yeah, I imagine you get enough of that in your nine to five."
"-I'm just saying the whole 'burst into dust' is a little...
anticlimactic. That's all."
"Mm, what would you do if I did that when you staked me. Talk
about anticlimax."
Mulder didn't need to turn his head to see the expression he knew
was on that face. So he didn't. Still watching the tv, he stroked
a foot gently and murmured, "I knew a stake innuendo was coming. I
just knew it. I knew you wouldn't be able to resist."
"You know me so well," Alex sighed happily. The words tumbled
heavily to settle next to 'love', and another deafening silence
fell. Alex winced, wishing he could kick himself. Whatever the
hell was possessing him to make him say such idiotic things, he
wished he had a Willow and a Giles around to exorcise it. Another
change of subject seemed in order. "I suppose the Buffster is more
your speed. It's always so convenient to root for the hero."
Mulder's lips twitched. "Well, she is hot. Those tank tops. And
I love those high kicks she does. But actually, I was thinking
Giles is kinda cute."
"GILES?" Alex's head whipped around. "Mulder! If Giles is your
type, what the hell are you doing with me?!"
Mulder grinned at him. "I wonder sometimes. Ouch. Hey..." He tried
to press backward into the couch cushions as the foot in his lap
dug harder a second time.
Alex eyed him coolly. "Technically, I suppose if we were being
true to the type we seem to be attracted to, you'd be cooing
over Spike and I'd be having hot thoughts over old Rupert."
"HEY. Are you calling me a Giles?"
"Well, you do have that professorial quality..." Alex deflected
the flying pillow easily, and tossed it back. "Mulder, I'm
teasing. Say, put on your glasses, would you?" This time the
pillow caught Alex full in the face. He used it to muffle his
snickering.
"Hmph." Mulder pinched the toes on the right foot, one by one by
one.
Dropping the pillow into his lap, Alex hugged it close and
stretched his toes, inviting more pinching. "But I am surprised
you don't have more of a thing for Spike... with the whole
bad-boy-in-leather thing he has going... hint hint..."
Mulder squinted at the screen for a moment. He actually could use
his glasses, but he'd be damned if he'd put them on now. "He's
just so unrepentantly bad. And bloodthirsty."
"Mmmmm yeah." Alex sucked in a breath. Stared at the screen.
Stroked the pillow.
"Oh honestly..." Mulder muttered, though his eyes skated back to
Alex to enjoy the expression on his face. Unexpectedly, Alex
suddenly swung to face him.
"Look, Mulder, if you're that offended by all the bloodthirsty
'violence' and all, we can always pop out the tape and you can go
back to watching The Joy of Painting with Bob Ross."
Mulder's mouth opened but nothing came out. Finally, "I wasn't
watching it!"
"Yeahrightsure. Is that the real story? Is that what the problem
has always been?" Alex gave him an evil grin. "You're a frustrated
Ross-disciple? The X-Files are just a poor substitute, a
distraction from your failure? The doomed pursuit of a man who
lost his first dream... the dream of painting 'happy trees'?
Whatsamatter, couldn't get your fan brush stiff enough? Couldn't
get the firm, upward strokes—"
"Oh shut up." Mulder pinched a toe again. Hard.
"Why Mulder, you're turning a lovely shade of alizarin crimson!"
"Why Alex, how would you like to turn a lovely shade of phthalo
blue?" Mulder returned sweetly.
"I've heard it's a good look on me."
"I wouldn't doubt. Anyway, I wasn't watching it," he insisted.
"Ross' voice just puts me to sleep, that's all. It should be
bottled and marketed as a zone-out drug. It's like a goddamn
antihistamine."
"Oh ho. And you just decided you might like to doze off in the
middle of the day?" The eyebrows were climbing again.
"Well...," Mulder drawled, "I didn't get much sleep last night."
"Whose fault is that."
"Hey, I wasn't the one begging for it."
"Begging?!" Alex stiffened. "I was NOT begging."
"I distinctly heard begging, Alex," Mulder commented mildly.
"You're supposed to be gentleman enough not to mention it
afterward in the cold light of day."
"Why Alex, that's a lovely shade of alizarin crimson you're
turning..." Mulder grinned as Alex refused to look away from the
screen.
"Fuck you. You just missed one of those high kicks you're so
into."
Mulder dropped the feet. "Oh, let me rewind... oh yeah." He hit
the rewind one more time and watched it again. "There are benefits
to watching it taped. I just can't believe you've got me taping
Buffy for you."
"I can't believe you kept doing it while I was... away."
"You owe me major tapes, Mr. Krycek."
"I'm sure. It's not like you watch the show or anything, I
know."
"Um... Alex?" His fingers slipped up to stroke a bony ankle.
"Yeah?" Alex flexed his ankle slowly.
"After we finish this one, can we watch that other one again? The
one where they tie Angel up and torture him?"
"AH HA!"
"Oh shut up.... can we?"
"Of course. Then later we can play Angel and Spike."
"How's your British accent?"
"No no... I want you with the British accent... you gotta play
Spike. Or we can play Giles and Spike if it would be better for
you, then we both get to use British accents. And I'll wear your
glasses," Alex added cheerfully. "You can call me Ripper when
you're not calling me 'pet'."
Mulder snorted. "As if you could pull off a Giles. And shouldn't
that technically be Giles and Ethan?"
Alex's shoulder moved against the couch in a lopsided shrug. "Only
if you're wedded to canon."
"Um... hate to break it to you, Alex, but if you were wedded to
canon, it would be Giles and Jenny."
"Well, you would look fetching in one of Jenny's clinging
dresses. But no, seriously, I think a Giles/Ethan relationship
can be read as canon. Consider what we know from the Ethan
episodes. Back in England they—" Suddenly Alex stopped, eyes
narrowing. "Whoa, hey, wait a minute... why am I making this case?
I'll play Giles for you, but you playing Ethan wouldn't really
get me going."
"But he's evil. You like the evil ones."
"Ethan's not evil. Not really. Unscrupulous, but not evil. Giles
should give him another chance."
"You're not seriously suggesting the show is suggesting they had
a relationship."
"Of course. Like duh, Mulder. It's so there."
"They can't stand each other!"
"Look at the sexual tension every time they hiss and spit at each
other!"
"They don't even like each other. They may have been friends
once, but it's obvious Ethan did some terrible things and can't be
trusted."
"What's obvious is that Ethan knows he's lost Giles through his
own actions, and these stunts he pulls are an effort to get Giles'
attention. He wants Giles back, but he doesn't believe he can ever
redeem himself and he's not even sure he wants to. So he'd rather
have Giles pissed off and ready to kill him, than ignoring him.
Besides which, it probably turns him on to see Giles all fired up.
He'll take Giles' focus any way he can get it. And while he's at
it, he'll prove to both Giles and himself that he's really not
worthy of Giles' affection anyway... creating his very own
personal vicious cycle."
Mulder shook his head and sighed. "Whatever. I'm still stuck
back on you wanting me to play Spike for you. You'd be so much
more... natural at the role."
"Ah ha again! You do have a thing for Spike! Admit it!" Alex
crowed.
"Uh... no..."
"Too late. You paused. I know you want him. Bloodthirsty or not."
"I do not."
"But you wouldn't mind watching him fuck Angel."
Mulder sighed again. "Well no, actually, I wouldn't mind at all.
Or watching Angel fuck him."
"Now how about tossing Xander into the mix..." Alex's voice was
lazy now as he wriggled his foot in Mulder's grip.
Mulder's lips twisted as he pondered. "Xander and Larry is an
obvious choice."
"Bor-ing," Alex singsonged. "I'm thinking Xander and Oz. Gives it
more of an illicit edge. Though I could see Xander with Spike
too."
"You could see anybody with Spike. How about Buffy and Cordelia?"
Mulder tossed him a grin, waiting for the inevitable reaction.
"Muuuulderrrrrrr." The slow look again.
"Sorry, it was just a thought." Mulder pulled his lips into a
straight line again and met Alex's steady stare with an innocent
look. "Was that an inappropriate comment?"
"It would be Buffy and Dru," Alex stated patiently. "C'mon, get
with the program. You might be able to make a case for Willow
and Cordy though. Cordelia's obviously got a softspot for the
sweet geeks."
Mulder closed his gaping mouth with an effort. Not quite the
reaction he had expected. "You've... thought about this."
Alex squirmed. But just a little. "I had a long layover on my last
flight. I was bored. I needed something to keep my mind busy."
"What? Thoughts of me weren't keeping you company?"
"Mulder. It was hours. There's only so much thinking about you I
wanna do in an airport. Public place and all, you know? When
thoughts of you bring on the inevitable need for privacy, where is
there to go but the restroom. And quite frankly, I don't
particularly like hanging out in airport restrooms."
Mulder winced. "Oh. Yeah."
"Yeah. So don't give me shit about how I chose to waste my time."
Mulder bit his lip to keep from laughing. "Willow and Cordelia,
eh?"
Alex gave an exasperated sigh. "I said you could make a case for
it, I didn't say I was into it or that I wanted to play that
instead of Spike and Angel. Or Spike and Giles. Whatever." He
hunched back down into the couch, carefully not meeting Mulder's
eyes.
"And you call me a pervert. Hey!" Mulder suddenly brightened.
"What about Buffy and Kendra?"
"Oooh, now there's a match. Good show, Mulder. Much better."
Alex underlined his approval by rubbing his free foot up and down
the inside of Mulder's thigh. He twisted and gave Mulder a
heavy-lidded look. "How about we... put in that Angel-torture
tape, hmmm?"
Mulder's eyes lit up, and he lifted Alex's feet, jumping up to
switch tapes. Coming back to the couch, he pushed the long legs
apart and settled between them, fingers already tracing over the
button on Alex's jeans. As he undid the button and coaxed the
zipper down, he murmured, "So, does this make me bloodthirsty?"
"Oh yes," Alex breathed. "But that would be a good thing."
"Just don't expect me to do British, ...pet..."
"Oooooh..."
"And Alex?"
"Ahhh... yeah, Muh—unh... Mulder?"
"I wasn't watching The Joy of Painting."
"Oh... oh oooh... I know, Mulder. I... oh god... I bet none of
your trees are happy trees."
"Bloody right, pet."
Spiking the Conversation
by Ratadder
