He took a deep breath steeling himself. Sometimes a man's just gotta do what a
man's gotta do.
He climbed the fire escape and crouched by Mulder's window taking out a slender
steel tool to cut a circle in the window so he could stick his arm through it
slowly and wiggle the lock open.
The window beside him suddenly opened and Mulder stuck his head through it. "Why
don't you just open it? It's not as though it's fastened or anything, all you
have to do is push it up. Do you have any idea of the cost of putting in a new
window? Or you could try the door like ordinary people do."
Krycek glared at him. "Go away Mulder. You're supposed to be asleep on the sofa
or watching TV or working on the computer while I steal up behind you."
Mulder blushed, "Sorry, I forgot," he apologized and the head disappeared. The
next moment it popped out again. "Oh, could you please try not to smash the
lamp? I bought it last week at the Pottery Barn, it was on sale, and I really
would like to keep it for at least a week."
Krycek sighed very loudly. "Okay, fine, whatever. Now get inside!"
He entered stealthily.
Mulder was sitting on the sofa reading a book.
Krycek pulled his gun. "Hello, Mulder," he hissed.
Mulder didn't look up. "Can you hang on a minute while I finish this chapter?"
Krycek crossed his arm and started tapping his foot. "I hope you're a speed
reader."
Twenty minutes later.
"Okay, that's it, time's up!"
TWHAP!
Mulder turned a page.
SLAP!
Mulder turned another page.
BANG!
Krycek stopped hitting Mulder and stared at him in disgust. "Hello, could I have
some cooperation here?"
Mulder reluctantly put down his book and marked the place. "I'm sorry," he
sighed. "Now, where were we?"
"I was beating you up, and you were breathing harshly getting incredibly turned
on by my leather jacket and dark and dangerous presence."
"Oh, all right." He took deep gasping breaths. "Like this?"
Krycek nodded. "Good."
Mulder looked longingly at his book. "Ah? is this where I take the gun from you
and you kiss me?" He grabbed the gun and pushed Krycek against the wall.
Krycek kissed him, hard.
Mulder looked at him.
Krycek looked back.
The air failed to sizzle.
There was a short nonplused silence. And then Krycek said with a hint of
impatience, "Well?"
Mulder shook his head. "Sorry," he apologized. "Maybe if you tried again,
harder?"
Krycek muttered something under his breath and pulled back his fist. "You know
this is supposed to be a team effort," he complained hitting Mulder in the
stomach. "Well?"
"No, sorry, still nothing." Mulder looked miserable.
"You're not getting hard as a rock, your cock throbbing with need?"
Mulder looked down at his pants. "Umm, in these jeans?"
Krycek followed his look. "You've got a point. What if you take them off?"
After some undressing and rather undignified swearing and peeling.
Krycek sighed, "Okay let's try it again." He arranged his face in a sneering
smirk. "Hello, Mulder. I am the ratbastard who shot your father, stole national
secrets and betrayed your trust come to taunt you."
Mulder who in the meantime had started reading again looked up from his book and
said vaguely, "Yes?" And then, "ah, I forget, why am I supposed to be angry?"
"Hey!" Krycek lost his smirk. "Jeeze, some people just can't focus."
Mulder looked offended. "Well, excuse me for being honest. Remember I believe
in the truth."
"Honest? Honest?!" Krycek fumed. "We're supposed to be mortal enemies. You
hate me and want me to the point of madness. You're supposed to beat me up to
sublimate your own suppressed lust for me until we are both overcome with passion
and fuck like bunnies on the floor, or against the wall if you prefer," he added
generously.
Obviously deciding that if things were left up to Mulder they would not progress
much further, he reached out and started vigorously rubbing Mulder's cock... and
rubbing.... and more rubbing... and still more rubbing.
Ten minutes of rubbing later.
The two men stared depressed at the resolutely soft flesh between Mulder's spread
legs.
"You know," Krycek finally said. "Some people would think you're not even
trying."
Mulder glared at him. "Hey, what about you?"
"What about me?"
"I don't see you doing anything."
"What do you mean?" Krycek sounded irritated. "I broke into your apartment
didn't I? I threatened you with a gun didn't I? I lost my gun in the violent
scuffle ending up with you lying on top of me your erection pressing into my
ass." He stared accusingly at Mulder's cock. It didn't even twitch. "Or at
least that's what's supposed to happen, if some people cooperated."
Mulder didn't say anything, just looked mulish. Krycek sighed and peeled off his
jeans, raising himself with a groan on his hand and knees. He wiggled his ass
invitingly. However, his dangly bits were, unmistakably—dangly.
"OhMulder!Fuckme!Fuckme!Please!Aaaargh!" Krycek recited wearily. And when
Mulder didn't react, "well? Come on! I haven't got all day you know!" he
snapped. "Some of us have other things to do."
Mulder glared at him. "As if I don't? Do you have any idea how much time it
takes arguing with Skinner about my 302's? Not to mention getting fucked by him
across my desk? Scully told me the other day that Maintenance are starting to
complain, they say the cum is really hell on varnish." He brooded. "That's
government service for you. The cheapskates can't even get proper furniture
polish."
"You and old Stoneface?" Krycek arched both eyebrows.
Mulder nodded glumly, "Yeah, it's expected see? I'm supposed to be irritating
and annoying until he snaps and decides to discipline me."
Krycek shook his head in pity. Just imagining AD Walter Skinner in black leather
and a whip was enough to turn him off sex for life—and the one after. He sat
down and patted Mulder on the shoulder. "Sorry, no wonder you can't get it up."
Mulder said dolefully, "At least you get to do some fun things, like break into
people's apartments and shoot them, and have meetings with aliens. All I ever do
is run around solving x-files and explaining my weird theories to Scully that
always miraculously turn out to be correct. Then she gives me a look and the
air vibrates with ust."
"UST?"
"Unresolved Sexual Tension."
"Oh, so you and she's never...?"
Mulder shook his head. "Nah, seven years and one lousy kiss on New Year's Eve
when you kiss even your mother-in-law. At this rate by the time we actually get
to first base we'll be in a retirement home. Actually, the last time I laid a
female it was a vampire."
"Oh."
"Yeah, and I'm telling you, it was scary when she sucked my cock. One wrong
move and whoom! An inch or two gone."
Krycek winced. "Ouch."
A long gloomy silence.
"So let me get this straight, you could get it up for a vampire who could bite
it off in one snap, but not for me with my fabulously long eyelashes, amazing
green eyes and fantastic body?"
Mulder looked like he was about to cry. "I'm sorry."
Krycek sighed again and patted his arm. "Hey, at least you're not in sexual
bondage to CSM, with him secretly lusting after you."
Mulder's eyes opened wide. "No kidding?"
Krycek shook his head, flopping down beside Mulder. "It wasn't too bad once he
started brushing his teeth regularly and chewed some breath mints once in a
while." Krycek wrinkled his cute little nose. "Actually, he's stopped smoking."
"Is that allowed?" Mulder frowned. "I thought all secret shadowy puppet-masters
lurking in the dark making mysterious little statements and controlling everyone
had to smoke, it's a union rule or something."
"Dunno, but his shrink said it was all anal-compulsive behavior because his
mother forced him to wear braces when he was a kid. All he really needs to stop
is a good active social life and he won't even want to smoke, or rule the world
as the pawn of his secret alien masters. He's taking cooking classes."
There was a long contemplative silence as both men imagined CSM in cooking class,
with an apron bearing the legend, 'Kiss the Chef!'
"Wow," Mulder said finally.
Krycek nodded, "Yeah, he's already great at quiches, he even brought a peach pie
with him to the last meeting. All the other guys were really impressed. And he
says it's a great way to meet women."
"Must be kinda hard meeting women when all you do is sit around in smoky rooms
and plan the betrayal of the human race."
"It sure beats spending twenty years in a ship somewhere waiting to take over the
earth. I told them we shouldn't have installed cable in the mothership. The
aliens are all on strike. The invasion has been postponed while they're
negotiating."
"Strike?"
"Yup, with a union rep and everything. They've decided that what they really
want is not to invade but to get on 'Jeopardy' and 'Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire' or visit Las Vegas. And the bounty hunter is sulking 'cause he was
only booked on Ricky Lake while the Oilien got Jerry Springer. The alien
scientists are demanding at least eight weeks vacation and a chance to meet some
earth women that are actually awake. Basically they're all bored and horny. One
of 'em told me, 'you try spending twenty years in a room inserting metal probes
in sleeping women with no other company but little gray wrinkly beings with large
eyes.'"
"Oh."
Another long silence.
"So? Your cock is not getting hard? You don't want to know all my secrets? You
have no desire to beat the shit out of me?"
Mulder thought for a moment. "No."
"Okay."
Another long silence.
"You wanna play some Monopoly?"
"All right, sounds like fun."
THE END
Required Elements
by MJ Lee
Alex Krycek stood in the dark outside Mulder's apartment.
