The bed I'm in is soft and smells like flowers and fabric softener,
different than the antiseptic sterility of the lab in my blurry
memories and nothing like the oily reek of concrete and dark I
remember far too well. I'm almost afraid to open my eyes in case
this isn't real, but I'm beginning to think it might be. Even my
mind isn't twisted enough to include Black Sabbath as background
music in my fantasies of safety and peace.
It's almost a disappointment when I do get the nerve up to look
around and recognize my little sister's apartment. It would be nice
to know how I got here, but right now things are still surreal
enough for me to be satisfied with being anywhere other than the
places I've been lately. There are clean clothes folded on the
chair next to the closet and one of my spare guns is balanced neatly
on top. No jacket, but I doubt it would be salvageable even if it
made it this far. I've already found my favorite Glock, one I
didn't want to chance losing to Hong Kong security, underneath the
pillow like a gift from some demented tooth fairy. Lord, now I have
a mental image of Nika waving a gun and wearing a tutu. I take back
what I said about not being that twisted.
Speak of the devil and she shall appear. In jeans and a sweater,
thankfully. I wonder if Mulder would still put so much effort into
his search for his sister if he knew how much of a headache it gives
you to watch them flit around while you can barely work up the
energy to talk. I want vodka, the entire bottle, not hot tea and
ibuprofen. Nice to see you again too. No, I don't know how I got
here. I was hoping you did. All right, next time I'll ask my
kidnappers to dump me in the landfill instead of on your couch.
Wait— if I've been comatose in her bed for two days, what day is it?
I ran into Mulder on the 14th, but I lost track of time after
that.... It's Wednesday the eighth. Of fucking November. I was in
Hong Kong in September. That's almost two months of my life lost
to aliens, scientists, and God only knows what else. No, Nika, I
have not been taking drugs. What makes you- oh. Those are some
nice track marks. I guess large quantities of sedatives could
explain where those months went. Now will you bring me the vodka?
I'm trying really hard not to concentrate on whatever's happened to
me, but being drunk would make it a lot easier.
New CD coming up on the stereo. Knowing Nika, it's anything from
more Sabbath to Enya. Hmmm... no, don't know it, but the music is
way too upbeat for me right now.
Here we go again! Bad year. Shit, what an understatement. In one year I've slept
with Mulder, lied to Mulder, nearly killed Mulder, stabbed Mulder in
the back (not literally, although he probably could have taken that
better than he took Scully's abduction), drugged Mulder, killed
Mulder's father, been beaten and nearly shot by Mulder, beaten
Mulder's boss, stolen Mulder's Holy Grail, and now apparently been
taken for a joyride by one of Mulder's precious aliens. Some of
those more than once, but not the one I wish I'd had a chance to
repeat. I could probably come up with more if I didn't have this
damned headache. Yes, thank you, go get me soup or something. Just
leave for a while.
Yeah, you know I like the way you slide I do not need to be listening to this right now. Deep breaths,
Alexei, deep breaths. Think about anything except Mulder... slow
glide in and out while he holds himself up with his hands on my
shoulder and his face flushes as his breath catches and he comes—
NO! The Smoker ice aliens cold showers vomiting oil on my knees in
the dark. Anything except Mulder.
Oh baby can't you see there ain't no place I'd rather be Nika, if you planned this I'll have to hurt you. There's no way
this is just a song you happened to have. I do not need
relationship counseling now. Hell, I have no relationship to
counsel. Even if what happened between Mulder and I was more than
just a convenient fuck, the whole "Scully's abduction and Barry's
death and my betrayal" thing ended whatever there might have been.
If there was any doubt about that, his trying to kill me was a
pretty good indicator. I can't even begin to imagine what he'll do
to get back for whatever the alien did in my body.
Yes I know you got some doubts Oh, Mulder believes all right. He believes a bullet in my head
would solve most of the problems in his life right now. Hell, he
might even be right. He gets revenge, he gets rid of his guilt, and
he gets to burn some of that negative energy and feel like he's made
a difference.
I am crazy. The only things Mulder and I have in common are a one
night stand and an intense desire to strangle a certain chain-
smoking bastard. It was just a one night stand. I might have been
able to trip him into bed again if I'd stayed, but it wouldn't have
meant anything. It couldn't have. It didn't. Sure, Alex, just
keep telling yourself that.
Let's go watch some dirty movies Canned chicken noodle soup. This actually smells good, but of
course now I have this irrational craving for fried rice. And
certain other things that I just wish I could get delivered. Okay,
Alex, time to start planning again. You can have your nervous
breakdown later. I need to find out what's been happening while I
was out if it. The locker key could be anywhere, but I can pick it.
I'll be seriously amazed if the tape's still there, but it's worth
a check. I have contacts of my own beyond the Smoker's other errand
boys. Maybe I can track wherever I was after Hong Kong, find out
about the concrete darkness and blurry lab I remember. Find out
what actually happened to me, find out how to get back whatever I've
lost and find out how to get even. I just need to get myself back
in the game.
Baby, here we go again
Too Much to Think About
by Jayde
"I feel fear. Anxiety. Loneliness. Darkness. And perhaps,
even... hope."
—Major Kusanagi, "Ghost in the Shell"
You know I like to watch you sleep
No I don't wanna touch you, you'll get mad at me
No I don't wanna think about the bad times
Anyone could have a bad year
Yeah, yes I like it when you do that slow glide
Now, please don't badtalk all those good times
Don't ask for answers, baby, that you do not wanna hear
Then watching dirty movies
In that happy room with you
Sleeping on a mattress in the corner
Eating Chinese food
I hear that voice in my head
Say here we go again
I know you don't believe
I know you think I'm crazy
Yeah but I know you're just like me
Yes in that nasty little room
Sit right on the mattress while we eat that greasy Chinese food
I hear that voice in my head
Say here we go again
