"Allekkks? Wottr you doing on my ssssofffa?"
"Waiting for you. What does it look like I'm doing?"
"Whhho let you innn?"
"I copied your key. I didn't think you'd mind..."
"Wlll, nnno, I donn't. Ey, babe. C'mere. Mmmmm-OW!"
"'Ow'? What'd I do?"
"Maybe ye'd bedder not kiss me."
"Why not?"
"Sssseee?"
"Good Lord , Mulder! What the hell happened to you?"
"It'sss a lonnng sstory. I got caught in de mill of a fight..."
"And you got your jaw busted, and now it's wired shut."
"Binnnggo."
"God, man, that's a bitch! I guess the blowjob I came for is out of the
question."
"Telllme abouddit."
"How long have you gotta wear those things?"
"God aboud a month left."
"Shit! That would drive me crazy! Doesn't it freak you out? I mean, what if
you have a panic attack or something?"
"Gives a whole new meaning to waking up screaming, believe me. They did give
me some zizzers—lil wire cudders, rilly—if I think I'm gonna throw up or
somethin..."
"Lovely. How the hell do you eat like that?"
"I take id you habben been in de kischen. Lookit dat."
" Baby food?"
"Yep. Juss call me de posster schild for Gerbr. Shcully ssset me up wid a lil
bit of ehrything. I guesss she figgered I'd find somempn I'd like."
"Any luck so far?"
"Wlll, de prunes rr good, but wen yer mosely on a ligwid diet anyway..."
"Ewww..."
"Truss me. Iss nod pretty."
"I can imagine... So no solid food, huh?"
"Living on cream o' wheat and milkshakes is borring as ell. An Shcully tries
hard, but ehry so offen she rilly ticks me off."
"For instance?"
"Frinstince, today we wenn out on the plaza for lunch. She got me a milkshake,
but got erself an ice cream cone. It got so bad, I coonnt look at er. I mean,
watching er tongue demolish dat thinnng..."
"Tongue envy? That's a new one... Did you say anything?"
"Wut could I say ? 'Nog id off—I'm jealous'? Bsides... I shoonnt be
admidding this, but..."
"What? Oh, no. You didn't !"
"Yeah. She's lickin it, an I'm thinkin aboud tongues and things, an I got a
hard-on..."
"You slut ... So what did you do about it?"
"Visualizing putting my dick in dat ice-cold milkshake fer awhile got the tent
pole down far enough so I could walk back into the Hooher without er
noticing..."
"Hmmm..."
"Wut?"
"I'm thinking..."
"Dat's neffer good. About wut?"
"You're starting to get a little skinny. When's the last time you had a good
dose of some hot liquid protein?"
"Oh, no. You are not jaggin off in my mouf, Alekks."
"Awwww! Spoilsport! I could always jack off in a plastic cup and give you one
of those keen bendy straws I saw on the counter..."
"Dat's diskusting. Bsides, none of my cupser clean enough to drink wadder out
of at the moment."
"It was just a thought. Say, you've tasted your own, haven't you?"
"Scuse me if I plead the fifft."
"I thought so. I've got an idea..."
"Oh, brudder..."
"Is there a way I can kiss you without hurting you?"
"I think ssso... Careful... Dere. Dat worked nicely. Hab you been eating my
sssunflower sseeds?"
"Yeah. They were on the coffee table and I got hungry."
"Good. Donn't wannem going ssstale."
"I didn't think you'd mind..."
"I like it. No crunsh, but some of the flavor. Kiss me again."
"Mmmmmm... Didn't need any ice cream cones for this one!"
"Guessss not. Watsh out. That zippr sstickss. Ohhhh, yeah."
"You ain't seen nothin' yet."
"Oooooh, thass good. You plannin to share when you finissh?"
"Mmmm-hmmmm..."
"You donn't hafta... Oh, sssshit! Oh my god, Allekks... Ohhhh..."
"Mmmmm?"
"Keep doing it like dat. Ohhhh, yesssss... Oh, lovrr... Ohhh, geez... Oh!
Yeah! Oh FFFFFFUCKKKKK! Ohhhhh, mannn... Oh, god, dat was good, babe. Wottr
you doing? I ssssaid you donn't hafta... Ssswallow it yerself... Errr...
Hmmmmmmmm... Ngulp ..."
"Okay?"
"Urgh. Uhhhmmm..."
"Well?"
"Uh-oh..."
"'Uh-oh'?"
"Ware'ss my zizzers?"
Bite Club
by Janet F. Caires-Lesgold
"Well, look who's home!"
