"Well, this is a sight for sore eyes." The familiar, droll monotone
reached through the haze of his imminent peak of pleasure. "Don't stop
on my account."
Damn it. Fuck! Alex froze and his hand jerked involuntarily off of
his eager cock.
Mulder was standing in the doorway.
Inexplicably, shame trickled over him and he sat up, cleared his throat
and said quickly in a mouth gone dry, "Yeah, like you don't do it, yourself.
" He let the accusatory sarcasm take over, lacing his voice with a cold
acid bite to cover his embarrassment. "Like you don't have to fall back
on it every night. Jesus. You're the poster child for lonely jerk-offs
so I hardly think you can point any fingers, Mulder."
"I wasn't accusing you of anything. Interesting spiel, though." Mulder
licked his lips, thoughtfully, staring down at him with an unreadable
expression. "What were you thinking about?" Mulder asked, as he came
to stand before Alex who still sat on the couch in a state of disheveled
arousal.
Alex stared back at Mulder, too stunned at the blatancy and lack of
decorum or tact of Mulder's question to think of a reply. His face was
hot as he yanked up his shorts, then his jeans, trying to think of a
hasty answer as he pulled up the zipper.
Mulder watched, impassively patient. "Were you thinking about me?"
Alex felt his jaw drop open at the sheer presumption of the question,
and he gave a short bark of astonished laughter. "What?!"
In an attempt at a sneer, to lend credence to the disbelief and derision
he wanted to convey, Alex snorted. "You wish." Feeling devastated at
Mulder's remarkably intuitive and correct insight, he sat up and took
a breath. What the hell was Mulder DOING here, anyway?
Mulder was gnawing thoughtfully and absently on his lower lip. "Really,
don't let me stop you. Why don't you finish?" He perched on the arm
of the couch, far away and still too close for Alex's comfort. Mulder
shrugged. "You know I like pornography, and that I like to watch."
Alex shook his head slowly to himself and sighed. "You really are fucking
nuts, aren't you?" He stated it, not as a question but as an observation.
He looked back over at Mulder, meeting his gaze squarely. "The mood
is gone," he quipped. "So what the hell are you doing here? How'd you
find me? And what do you want? Or are you just here to make incredibly
stupid and unbelievable passes at me?"
"I was looking for you, I took a wild guess at where you were, and
I want to talk—and I wasn't making a pass at you." Mulder's expression
still hadn't changed.
Alex was starting to worry. A cold pinprick of doubt about Mulder's
present state of mind—Mulder's identity, even—washed over him. But
then common sense returned. Mulder must have noticed him tailing him
—and merely followed Alex back to his own place once he'd left Mulder's
street. Alex frowned, silently cursing his lack of alertness. He'd been
so busy watching Mulder, he hadn't even noticed Mulder watching HIM
as he shadowed the agent back home. Mulder had even taken the time to
change out of his suit into the t-shirt, jeans and leather jacket he
currently wore. He looked good actually.
Mulder noticed his frown and added, "It's not every day I manage to
track down a Consortium spy, not to mention catch him beating off. I
hope you realize that you're responsible for burning this particular
image onto my retinas and into my brain."
Having recovered a little of his composure, Alex said coldly, "Maybe
you shouldn't have dropped in unannounced. Don't blame me for the reception
—it's two AM for fuck's sake. What the hell did you expect?"
Mildly, Mulder replied, "Watch your language, Krycek. I EXPECTED you
to be asleep."
Alex paused and looked away. "You're not the only one to suffer from
insomnia."
Mulder nodded. "Yeah. Jacking off usually works for me, too. The last
failsafe." Mulder grinned, transforming him from the cynical, lanky
bastard to a Mulder that one could really... like.
Damn. The warmth of that wide grin took Alex by storm, shaking his
already frayed nerves. He had no defense against a happy Mulder, a friendly
Mulder, a buddy Mulder, a—what was he THINKING? Jesus Christ. He was
toast. This wasn't real. Mulder hated him. Alex scowled over at him.
"What did you want to talk about?"
Mulder pursed his lips and then chuckled. "Looks like you've still
got a bit of a problem there. Why don't you take care of it first and
then we'll talk?"
Furious, Alex grinned mirthlessly at him. "Fine. You want to watch,
Fox? Take a seat and enjoy the show." He resolutely unzipped, wishing
his erection had wilted with Mulder's intrusion—but it hadn't, and
seemed painfully insistent on reminding him that Mulder's presence alone
was enough to keep him on the edge. He settled back, intending to get
comfortable, when he glanced up and caught the look on Mulder's face.
Mulder looked taken aback—he obviously hadnąt expected Alex to go
through with it.
A dark, wicked sense of satisfaction crept over Alex, along with a
sudden joy in self-exhibition before the very man whose image fuelled
so many previously repeated fantasies acted out in this manner. "Better
yet," Alex added, mischief making him bolder, "why don't you join me?"
He casually released his cock from his jeans once more, which was grateful
after being confined in such a stiffened state.
He found himself pressing his lips together and inhaling quickly at
the sensation of stroking his fingers up the length of his erect member.
Doing this in the presence of Fox Mulder was something he'd never actually
imagined could ever happen in reality. It served to inflame his already
over-stimulated senses.
A wave of heat came over him, suffusing his face and flushing quickly
over the rest of his body as Mulder slid down and sat in the couch,
leaning back and unzipping his own jeans.
"Yeah," muttered Mulder. "Don't mind if I do."
FUCK. This was... both terrifying and fantastic. Alex's hand moved
in a faster rhythm, responding to the excitement of seeing Mulder take
out his own hard cock and begin palming it with the air of an expert.
Alex found he had to stifle a hysterical laugh at this. He wondered
which of them was better at it. Certainly Mulder had less luck with
getting laid than he did, even minus his arm. And the situation was
odd, but beating off with Mulder sure beat getting beaten by him. Again.
Trapped as he was in this bizarre scenario, Alex realized he had to
keep up his performance now, or look like a complete idiot in front
of Mulder. And unaccountably, he wanted to time it just right, so that
they came together. He slowed the strokes on his own organ and watched
Mulder, brazenly. Openly.
Hell, Mulder was watching HIM, after all.
There really wasn't anything appropriate to say and besides, he wasn't
sure he could speak coherently now. The only sound in the dim room lit
by the flicker of his mute television was their combined breathing which
was getting heavier with each passing second, and the familiar twin
sound of skin on skin, from fast friction and rapid hands.
Clinging to the desperate, ragged pinnacle, Alex strained to not explode.
Before Mulder's arrival, it had been hot and dreamy, lazy and sluggish
and foggy with fantasy. Now it was sharp, dangerous, spicy and so fucking
real. His face was burning and Mulder's eyes glittered in the dim light
of the living room, sitting on his couch and eyeing Alex with all the
fascination that a mouse has when approached by a snake.
The one-eyed trouser snake of legend, in this case. Alex finally had
to slow down and take gulps of air in an attempt to not come all over
his fist.
Mulder seemed to be similarly suffering, attempting not to come immediately.
An evil smile crept over Alex's face. He couldn't help it. So, this
was how they were going to play it, eh?
Mulder was going to come first if it was the last thing Alex ever accomplished.
He'd MAKE Mulder come before he allowed himself to lose control.
Alex licked his lips, slowly, noting how Mulder's eyes darted up to
watch the movement, then seemed stuck and unable to tear away from the
sight of his tongue. Alex let his head fall back even more, his mouth
open with panted breaths now, harsh and nearly moaning. He'd gone way
past the fever pitch he'd reached just before Mulder had interrupted
him. His balls were starting to hurt.
God. Good idea. He left his dick to cup and handle his balls, enjoying
the way Mulder's eyes dropped right back down to watch, seemingly mesmerized.
The smell of arousal, lust and sweat was growing thicker in the air
between them and it was almost enough to make him come... The scent
of Mulder's body, that musky other-smell, the sight of Mulder's large,
delicious cock that made his mouth water. Just thinking of the waste
was too much, when Mulder finally came. Maybe he could move over and
catch it in his mouth, just in time when Mulder blew; he wondered how
Mulder would react to THAT.
He whimpered slightly, unable to stop himself, at the thought of just
giving into temptation, the impulse to slide over and engulf Mulder's
cock for him.
But the sound appeared to affect Mulder dramatically. Mulder's nostrils
flared, his eyes widened and he gasped, and without warning, Mulder
ejaculated as he cried out.
The sight of Mulder coming all over his own hand, and the smell and
the sounds and the sensation of gripping his cock, was too much for
Alex. Sensory overload. Feeling lightheaded as the air rushed out of
his lungs, he exhaled heavily, feeling the tightening approach of his
delayed and denied orgasm. It hit him with electric jolts of blazing
pleasure, drowning him in fire and delight, leaving his blood singing
and his ears ringing and he couldn't stop the words from leaving his
mouth, "Oh God, Fox—"
Sitting in stunned amazement and feeling disjointed, Alex sat there,
staring back at Mulder. All too soon, the cream cooled on his fingers
in the darkened apartment and a horrible sense of fatalistic realization
of what had just happened—what they'd just DONE—hit him.
Mulder allowed his head to rest back against the couch, his hand still
covered with come and resting on his softening cock. The color was high
in his cheeks.
Alex found him absolutely beautiful like that. Even with the remnants
of the scars on his cheeks, Mulder was beautiful. And having just come...
Alex swallowed. Burned into his brain, indeed: he was going to remember
this for a long, long time. A sickening thought reached with cruel fingers
into his mind. This was probably the ONLY thing he'd have to think about
in the nights to follow. Mulder would probably regret this and end up
running away with his tail tucked between his legs.
But he couldn't bring himself to feel anything but relief and slightly
wistful contentment that at least they'd finally done something, ANYTHING,
to bring to a head the terrible burn of tension that had always zinged
between them. It was always unspoken and unrecognized, but undeniably
present every time they'd ever been in the same room.
Alex took a breath, noting that the pounding of his heart had lessened
its wild frantic pace, and that his pulse was returning to normal—
and that Mulder seemed paralyzed beside him. He reached over for the
towel that he'd placed close by earlier and wiped himself up. With an
ironic little smile, he then handed it out to Mulder who didn't respond
at first, then resignedly accepted it to clean his own hand and mess.
An insane notion spun crazily through Alex's head: he could keep that
towel for later, using it for a second round after Mulder left. A small
memento at best, but precious all the same.
And they hadn't even laid a finger on each other.
Alex tucked his flaccid cock away and zipped up his jeans for the second
time in ten minutes. He felt as though they'd actually 'done it', although
nothing had really happened between them and Mulder was looking more
and more composed with each passing second.
He cleared his throat. "So. Now that we've taken care of that, what
did you want to talk to me about?"
Mulder threw him a sharp look. "I want to know why you've been following
me."
Alex snickered. "Just your friendly, local neighborhood stalker."
"Don't be asinine. It's not funny. Why are you tailing me?"
"Mulder, have you any idea how appealing your tail IS?"
Mulder sat in stiff disapproval, glaring at him. "Now who's coming
on to whom?"
Alex stared back at him, measuring Mulder's mood. Quietly, he replied,
"Well, we haven't come on each other yet, but I'm sure we could work
up to it."
Mulder's glare did not diminish. "Are you propositioning me, Alex?"
As if it were a heinous and completely obscene suggestion.
Jesus. And after what they'd just done... Alex felt offended. He looked
away and said scornfully, "Don't get all excited. Just because we jerked
off together doesn't mean we're close, or anything. But if you want
to take this to the next level... well, I don't mind if you want to
try to prove to me that you're capable of courtesy and civility, something
you've always fallen short of."
"What is THAT supposed to mean?" Mulder tried to sound angry but ended
up sounding petulant.
Alex sighed. This was degenerating quickly. Time to pack up and move
on as gracefully as possible. So much for taking the opportunity that
this afforded them, of working out their differences and unresolved
issues of conflict and suppressed aggression. He should have known it
was too much to hope for.
"Nothing whatever, Fox. Tell you what; let's just go our separate ways
and we can pretend like this never happened. Denial, repression, two
of your favorite things."
"Oh, I get it," Mulder nodded, a smug look of self-satisfaction growing
on his face. Alex wanted to slap it off. "Self-pity and lies, two of
YOUR favorite things. The poor little misunderstood traitor, liar and
scumbag wants to pretend he doesn't get off on little old me. What,
do you want candlelit dinners and romance, Krycek? Or do you need me
to 'hold you' after such a private, shared moment?"
Alex snorted. "Don't be an asshole. Why don't you admit what we both
already know? You can barely keep your hands off me."
Mulder flushed angrily and started, obviously keeping himself back
from grabbing Alex and pounding into him—as usual. Alex sneered, "See?
You want a piece of me so badly you can't stop yourself. I wonder exactly
how big a turn-on it was for you, to find me following you? Me, all-around
bastard, traitor and scumbag? What a thrill for your ego."
He wondered how much it would take to get Mulder to go for him right
here on the couch, together... It would certainly make for an interesting
moment when Mulder found his hands on Alex—with Alex not resisting.
Indeed, he fully intended to jump Mulder if the man dared to attack
him now.
But unfortunately, Mulder swallowed and controlled himself. "You're
such a hypocrite, Alex. You're the one sitting here alone in the dark,
jacking off over me."
Alex shrugged, looking Mulder straight in the eye. "Sure, I think about
you. I was thinking about you when you arrived and crashed my party.
But can you honestly tell me that you've never—not even ONCE—thought
of me in the same way? Alone, in the dark, by yourself?"
Mulder opened his mouth, his full lips parting and then closing again
a second later, impotently
Alex waited, finding himself holding his breath.
Mulder exhaled slowly and looked away. "Screw this. I'm not getting
caught up in your mind-games, Krycek."
Mulder stood as Alex absently noted the discarded towel left on the
seat beside him, where Mulder had dropped it between them.
"So much for male bonding," Mulder said, walking away from him towards
the door.
"Fuck you, Mulder." Alex said it mildly but he regretted it the instant
it left his mouth. He didn't want Mulder knowing even a hint of how
angry and disillusioned he was right now.
"No, thanks," Mulder replied, immediately. "Fuck yourself. Again. Hey,
it was grand, but I've got to go. See you around maybe. Uh, how about
outside my apartment tomorrow night? Tell you what; I'll make it easier
for you. I'm going to go home and get some sleep. Tomorrow morning I'll
be going to work; I'll be at the Hoover for nine o'clock, sharp. I do
have a real job, you know. Donąt exactly have the luxury of shadowing
people I have an unhealthy infatuation for. I have better things to
do. And I'll be eating out for lunch. Maybe I'll see you there?" He
turned to go.
Alex didn't dignify this with an answer, just watched in silence as
Mulder left. Mulder was obviously expecting some sort of reply though,
for he turned his face inadvertently to see Alex out of the corner of
his eye then caught himself, jerking forward to face-front as he opened
the door and went out, carelessly letting it slam behind him. Not with
enough force to seem like he was making a point, but loudly enough for
the symbolism to hit Alex as it was no doubt intended: he was closing
the door between them.
Alex sighed and let his head fall back, closing his eyes.
Fuck.
He was so fucked. So utterly busted. And then a surge of anger lanced
through him. Where the hell did Mulder get off, acting the 'righteously
indignant mark' to his 'obsessed pervert', when they both knew very
fucking well the strength of the energy between them. The sheer goddamned
chemistry was enough to start spontaneous fires when they were in the
same room and unable to interact because of the company of others. Not
that Mulder often let that stop him from going for Alex, regardless
of the relative public situations they might be in.
Mulder had practically run out the door. Mulder was a hypocrite. An
abusive, intolerant, repressed, violent asshole of a hypocrite, self-absorbed
fucking EGOMANIAC. And a beautiful one, too, he added, breathing hard.
Bastard. BASTARD!
And he'd had the last word, too, damn him! On a whim, he got up and
quickly followed Mulder out, pausing to snatch up his keys and pull
on his jacket and boots.
He waited in his car for about five minutes, giving Mulder enough time
to believe that he wasn't going to follow him back home. Then he drove
to Mulder's apartment block, noting Mulder's parked car on the street
and driving past it, to park on the other side of the block. He quietly
made his way around to the front of the building and let himself in.
At Mulder's door, he picked the lock and silently slipped inside.
Mulder was in the shower.
Alex grinned coldly to himself. No doubt he was uselessly trying to
scrub away the residue of their little jerk-off session. Too bad, Fox.
The stain's in your mind, not on your skin. We never touched each other.
Still, the day had just begun, the morning was young. He snorted to
himself. It was coming up to three AM.
Then it hit him—what exactly was he going to do, now that he was
here? Shit. He'd been so possessed with the idea of giving Mulder back
a taste of his own medicine that he hadn't considered it. Well, never
mind. He'd make it up as he went along. Mulder already thought he was
obsessed over him, and really, he was... so there was no point beating
around the bush now that they'd beat off together. He smiled darkly
to himself.
He made his way to Mulder's bedroom. Dark and empty, the room's focus
was entirely on the bed. But he didn't think Mulder would go straight
to sleep. He grimaced and went back out into the living room. It was
lit with a single lamp in the corner by the couch.
The water stopped in the bathroom and his pulse stuttered, a flare
of adrenaline coursing through him. Showtime.
He went to sit down on Mulder's couch, close by the fish tank, leaving
the opposite side free for Mulder. Should Mulder choose to sit with
the 'obsessed pervert'. Alex toyed with the idea of forcing Mulder to
drop the towel with his gun as the persuader, then discarded it as quickly
as it arose. He didn't want to perpetuate the constant cycle of violence
that Mulder always initiated. It would mean giving up the tentative
progress he'd made with him earlier.
Mulder padded out wearily, trailing out of the bathroom with his towel
wrapped around his hips. Mulder didn't even see him sitting there. Going
into the kitchen, he got out a bottle of water and started drinking
from it enthusiastically. Finally stopping and taking a breath, Mulder
sighed and leaned his head back, then rolled it around, working out
kinks in his neck. He put the bottle back in the fridge and came out
of the kitchen. He glanced up and saw Alex. He froze.
Mulder actually looked surprised. Then dismayed. Then he looked irritated.
"Alex." He sighed. "Go home. Just... just go home."
Alex sniffed, and looked around the room. "I like it fine right here."
Annoyed, Mulder said, "Look, you've made your point, okay? I get it.
I let myself into your place, now you're in mine. But it's over for
tonight. No more games. It's late. Or early, depending on how you look
at it. I'm tired."
"Oh, don't mind me. You can go to bed. You need your beauty sleep,
after all, what with your 'proper job'. I'm sure I can find something
to amuse myself, out here. Maybe I'll watch something. I've always wanted
to check out your famed video collection."
"This is getting really pathetic, Alex. It's pitiful. Go home. Get
some sleep. I can't give you what you want."
Alex tilted his head to one side. "And what is it that I want?"
Mulder let out his breath, quietly. "Me."
"Oh. Oh, I'm—I'm so SORRY," Alex said, lightly, "I was under the
mistaken impression that we wanted each other. Wonder how the hell I
got that? Maybe it was the moment where you came just from hearing my
voice."
Mulder colored, stoically trying to master his reaction. Alex had to
give him credit. Mulder didn't flinch. Merely replied, "Extenuating
circumstances, I think. Consider what we were doing. You set me off,
that's all. And you know it. It doesn't mean that you mean anything
to me, or that it meant anything at all beyond seeking relief. Doesn't
mean that we're meant to get married and settle down somewhere in urban
bliss."
Alex nodded. "Sure."
"It doesn't," Mulder repeated, as if trying to convince him.
"No, I agree with you," Alex said. "It really doesn't. But that hardly
resolves this... this THING between us. I still want you—and you still
want me."
"Not tonight," Mulder stated firmly, wearily. He looked worried. Probably
was starting to get concerned about having gone too far with him earlier,
Alex thought, smirking at the idea. Poor little Fox, how was he going
to get rid of the big bad wolf?
Alex shrugged. "That's okay. I'm pretty tired myself. You just go get
some sleep. I'll stay here—I don't think I snore that loud and even
if I did, the door will be closed. Won't it?"
Mulder shifted restlessly from one foot to the other. "Alex, come on.
Donąt do this. Enough is enough."
"What's wrong?" He paused for dramatic effect and then said, "Oh. Oh,
I get it. Of course. You won't be able to sleep, knowing I'm out here,
will you?"
"Who would, with a liar and a murderer on their couch?"
Alex held up his hand. "Wait a minute, you've lost me with that one.
Which one am I, the liar or the murderer? I think I must be the murderer,
because you're the liar."
Mulder's eyebrows rose steeply. With a note of incredulous disbelief,
he repeated, "I'M the liar."
"I'll say," Alex agreed, letting his voice go cold and dangerous with
the anger and humiliation he felt irked by earlier after Mulder's haughty
departure. "And a hypocrite. And an abusive bastard, too. Good thing
I managed to stop you from taking on any more of your father's bad habits."
This was too much, calculated at hitting Mulder where it was sorest
—and coming from the man who'd killed his father... Right on schedule,
Mulder was overcome with fury and he exclaimed, "You son of a BITCH
—" And with that, Mulder charged.
Alex quickly stood to meet him and sidestepped Mulder, neatly dodging
the out-flung fist—Mulder's anger making him clumsy—and followed
Mulder down into the couch, pinning him with a knee in his back and
hurriedly grabbing his arm and pulling it up behind him.
Mulder hissed with pain, then cried out, "Damn it, let—let go of me
—" as he struggled, then winced.
"Sorry I had to say that, Mulder. But it was taking too long." He relinquished
the pressure on Mulder's arm—he didn't want to hurt him. And let up
his knee slightly. Mulder was breathing heavily and twitching, probably
with the intent of struggling some more. Alex pressed his knee down
again, warningly. He clucked his tongue. "Really, Fox, that was kind
of stupid of you. Rushing a man while wearing a TOWEL?"
But Mulder seemed to sag, going limp under him. Finally, he muttered,
"Alright. You win. Let me up. I won't—I won't do anything."
Alex hesitated, then released him. As Mulder slowly pulled himself
up and then sat down slowly on the couch, the towel riding up above
his knees, Alex couldn't help his gaze from flicking down. God. With
legs like those, Mulder could have anything, anything from him... Alex
forced his thoughts to the current moment. Remaining standing over Mulder,
he said quietly, "I really am sorry I had to say that. It was the only
thing I could think of to make you rush me."
In a hollow, mournful voice, Mulder asked, "What do you WANT from me?
Why can't you just—leave me alone? Stay out of my life? Why do you
have to keep..." He trailed off, looking miserable. His hair, wet from
the shower, added to the pitiful effect, sending a bolt of tenderness
and pain through Alex.
He bit his lip; wondering, indeed, why? Why couldn't he leave this
man alone?
But there it was, the lead he needed. "You WANT to be alone?"
Mulder looked up at him, those wounded sorrowful eyes making the sensation
of concern and remorse tear through Alex almost unbearably. "What makes
you think I'd want to be constantly reminded with your presence that
the only friend I can get is my enemy?"
Alex sighed through his nose. So it was going to be like this, was
it. Self-pity, and attempts to inflict guilt on him. "Whoever said that
I have to be your enemy? That I AM your enemy? Mulder, I haven't been
your enemy since I left that first time. I wasn't your enemy in Hong
Kong, I certainly wasn't your enemy in Siberia, whatever you might believe.
And I'm not your enemy NOW."
"How can I believe that?" Mulder asked, with all the gullibility of
a child asking their parents to please tell them that Santa was real.
And the tooth fairy. They were real, weren't they?
What a fucking pair the two of us make, Alex thought. "You're asking
the wrong questions, Mulder. The question is: what do YOU want from
ME?"
Mulder stared up at him. "The truth. What the hell do I ever want?
Have I ever wanted? And you always deny me the truth, you never give
me anything. Sure, a scrap here, a tidbit there. Thanks very fucking
much for all the leads in the past. Let's see, I've been incarcerated
in a gulag, subjected to tests with the Black Oil, led in wild fucking
goose-chases up one side of the world and down the other, mind-wiped
and abducted from all the 'leads' YOU'VE given me over the years. Thanks
a million."
Jesus, not this again. The truth, the truth, the truth—if he had
to hear about it one more time he'd throw up. He was so sick of hearing
Mulder bitch about the truth. It was a massive self-deception, he knew,
for Mulder was desperately avoiding the truth about himself, by focusing
on his sister, his parents, his job, his pursuit of the 'truth' via
aliens. What a loser. Alex swallowed and tried to remain calm. This
was absurd. But what else could he have expected? The moment Mulder's
violent bravado was slapped down, he sank into the miserable, beaten-down
and vulnerable hero. For God's SAKE. It was so predictable.
It was both highly annoying and stirred pity and concern at the same
time.
Alex dropped to his knees before Mulder, looking into his face. He
slowly reached out his hand, pausing as Mulder did flinch this time
a little, then rested it on Mulder's bare left knee. "Mulder, I can't
even begin to explain how many times I've looked out for you, and looked
after you and those you care about. How many times I've saved your life.
Okay, okay, sure; I partly did it because I knew I owed you for taking
your father from you, for betraying you at the outset, but Jesus, Mulder,
I'm on your side. Why can't you believe that?" he asked, earnestly,
hating himself for the pleading tone that crept unbidden into his voice.
Mulder blinked. And didn't lose the mournful expression. "How can I?"
Alex let out his breath harshly. "Fuck! How many times do we have to
go over this? Mulder, I LOVE you! Why would I do any of it if I didn't?!
Why the fuck do you think I'm here?"
He stopped, aware that he'd just blurted out probably the most incredibly
stupid thing he could possibly have said at the moment. Panic seized
him in a white wave and he almost jerked his hand off Mulder's knee.
He forced himself to look back at Mulder without moving a muscle.
Oh, shit.
But Mulder just looked surprised. Then even more surprised. Mulder
began shaking his head slowly, not taking his eyes off Alex. "How the
HELL am I supposed to believe THAT? What, I should just take it on faith?
From YOU?"
Disappointment and shame loomed inside of him as he realized that Mulder
would never, ever believe a single fucking thing he ever said. It was
hopeless. Useless. He sighed and said, tiredly, "No. I guess not." He
started to move his hand away, to get up.
With lightening reflexes, Mulder's hand shot up and caught him by the
wrist, keeping his hand on Mulder's knee. "Wait. Just wait a second."
Mulder regarded him, thoughtfully. "You 'love' me," he restated. "What
exactly... How am I..."
The panic began to surge back and Alex fought the impulse to break
free and just get the hell out, go home and try to forget that any of
it ever happened. This was the most suicidal, stupid and hazardous thing
he could have done. But he waited.
Finally, Mulder managed, "Do you expect me to love you? Back, I mean?"
The panic remained, but it was joined now by fear and sadness. Of course
not, Alex thought. That would be patently absurd.
Alex had never presumed to imagine that Mulder would ever love him,
let alone allow him to love Mulder. It had never crossed his mind to
even begin to hope that they might both love each other at the same
time. And he felt everything draining out of him, leaving him cold and
empty, inside and out.
With resignation, he murmured, "No. I don't."
Mulder frowned slightly, scowling in thought. "Yet you still want this,
want me."
Self-disgust and self-loathing suffused him and this time he did jerk
his hand away. What the hell was he doing, kneeling before this man
like a supplicant? What the hell had he hoped to achieve with this scene?
He should have stuck with the business angle with Mulder, and not given
into the heat of the moment, the need to prove to Mulder that he was
'man enough' to beat off in front of him. He'd crossed the line.
And there was too much baggage here, on both sides.
He stood up and straightened. His left shoulder ached. He felt tired
and suddenly it was all he could do to not cry. To give in, to the overwhelming
disappointment and the crushing emotional weight of the intimacy of
this sordid scene.
And Mulder sat there, looking confused and oh-so-damned superior in
his itty-bitty towel. And, say, there was a great deal of tenting going
on there, wasn't there? No doubt Mulder would put it down to the mere
response to Alex's physical presence due to their shared masturbation
earlier and—that's all. It wasn't even worth arguing with him over
it.
Feeling old and drained, Alex said, "Well, it's been fun. I'll let
myself out." He turned and stepped away.
Mulder said, "Alex, I—"
Alex turned back, his face set and his voice hard. "No, forget it.
You're right. It was a mistake, what we did, and my coming here. Just
forget about it."
Mulder had the unbelievable gall to look hurt at this.
It galvanized Alex to continue to leave. He added, "Don't worry, Fox.
I won't bother you again. I'll stay out of your way." He looked down
and opened his mouth, then closed it, realizing he really didn't want
to say anything else. He was too close to breaking down in front of
Mulder as it was, and wouldn't THAT just be the final humiliation? He
turned away. He was torn by both grief and rage. Grief was winning out.
Mulder's voice stopped him. "I'm sorry. Alex. I'm sorry."
Without looking back, Alex muttered, "Yeah, you and me both." He made
it to the door and was just reaching out to grasp the handle when the
bulk of a warm, shower-fresh, towel-clad Mulder pushed him forward into
the door.
Mulder grabbed him and swiveled him to face him, leaning in to capture
his mouth in a hard, fierce kiss. Alex went rigid with stunned shock.
Mulder's lips were warm and it was sweeter, hotter and wetter and more
all-encompassing than he had ever fantasized.
A tide of heat poured over him, then rose back up to slam into his
gut, leaving him breathless and weak in the knees. If it weren't for
the fact that Mulder had him slammed up against the door and was pressed
all along his front, keeping him there, he might have found himself
down on his knees again.
Mulder broke off and gasped for air, and said in a rush, "Don't you
dare leave like this, right now, Jesus, Alex..."
Alex stared at him, bewildered. "What—"
"I SAID, don't go. I said I was sorry. I mean it. Look, you came here,
you started it, now finish it. Let's finish it." Mulder leaned in again
with another devastating, unavoidable kiss, and possessing Alex's lips
beneath his own.
Alex moaned and shifted against the heat of Mulder's body. The desire
to divest himself of his clothes and pull away that ridiculous towel
from around Mulder's lean hips was overwhelming. But Mulder's mouth
was attached to his, and Mulder didn't seem to be ready to let up anytime
soon.
Fine, Alex thought, resolutely. He parted his lips and flicked his
tongue against Mulder's lips. Mulder agreeably opened his mouth and
met Alex's tongue.
Oh God, even hotter, even wetter, and just utterly fucking incredible...
Alex's mind threatened to cave in and his skin felt like it was being
bathed with flames.
His clothes itched against him and he couldn't think.
Mulder's... tongue...that sweet mouth... just... die here and never
let go. He sobbed against Mulder, into his mouth, once, and then Mulder
was just holding him, pulling back to say comfortingly in his ear, "It's
okay, I've got you, it's alright, Alex."
He was shaking and the sudden desolation that swept over him as he
clutched at Mulder was too much—he couldn't hold him properly without
his left arm. He felt incomplete, truly fragmented—how the fuck had
he ever presumed he might be able to offer this man ANYTHING? And then
he felt Mulder's lips pressing against his wet cheeks, gently, in between
whispers.
"It's okay. Don't go. I want you, I do. I want you, Alex. Stay with
me."
Alex couldn't stop the tears from leaking, no matter how much he blinked.
They just kept spilling over. "Fox," he croaked, and then buried his
face in Mulder's neck, holding on for dear life.
What a trip. What an absolutely fucking nightmare. He wanted to wake
up and find himself in bed—just another dream.
And then Mulder was kissing him again, wiping his face for him, and
saying, with the gentlest of smiles, in a caring voice at odds with
the words, "I have this recurring fantasy of you coming to see me in
my office. I pull my gun on you and force you to stand against the desk,
facing away from me. I pull down your jeans, and then strip down your
shorts, revealing your sexy little ass. I bend you over the desk and
then I force my cock into you, and fuck you there, like that."
Alex swallowed, sniffed loudly, feeling like an idiot for breaking
down in front of Mulder in the way that he had. "Lovely. Yet again,
I'm on the receiving end. Don't you ever get tired of trying to—to
hurt me?"
Mulder was silent. Then he said, punctuating it with a kiss, "Yeah,
I do. I didn't mean it that way. It's just... I'm really curious to
know what it would feel like to have your ankles resting by my neck,
to have your legs up under me, wrapped around me. I can't help it."
Mulder pulled back and looked into his eyes. Alex stared back at him,
feeling like he'd wandered into some weird kind of alternate universe.
"You want to fuck me."
Mulder nodded slowly. "Yeah. Sure."
Fuck. A couple of kisses and he was weeping on the man, crying on his
shoulder—literally. He'd forgotten, with just one touch from Mulder's
mouth on his, that all this could ever be was a mercy-fuck, out of pity
for him... Angrily, he pulled back, pulling away from Mulder's arms
and he hissed, "What is this, how to seduce the broken-hearted Russian
boy? God, Mulder, I can't believe I used to look UP to you."
Mulder had the nerve to look puzzled, worried even. "What? What did
I say? Don't you WANT this? I thought—" His face hardened and he said,
"You're going to have to make up your mind, Alex. Do you want me or
not?"
Right. Options. What did he have? Well, in reality? He closed his eyes
momentarily, seeking relief from the distraction of Mulder's face, those
permanently wounded, accusing eyes, that full mouth, oh fuck it he was
lost, wasn't he? Totally fucking lost. It was either a mercy-fuck followed
by a 'sorry, I can't love you, but thanks for giving me your heart.
Don't know what I'll do with it, but...' or 'great fuck, Alex, see you
around maybe. Oh, and I haven't forgotten that you killed my father,
either.'
He tried to convince himself that it was his pride that was hurting,
not his heart. But all of a sudden he realized he'd blurted out too
much (so what else was new?) with that 'broken-hearted' bit...
Dryly, Mulder said, quietly, "I really don't think you have the luxury
of blowing hot and cold with me, here."
Alex straightened, licking his lips nervously. "Yeah, I know. But then,
you're hardly out of the woods yourself, consorting with a known felon
and your father's killer. Wouldn't you agree?"
Mulder's face began to contort with rage and just as suddenly relaxed
and his eyes narrowed as he stared Alex down. "It won't work this time.
You're trying to get me to let you go. I'll tell you what, let's try
this differently." He stepped back, removing the towel from around his
waist and stood naked, hard, before Alex. "I'm going to go bed. You're
welcome to join me, if you want to. I'll admit it, I want you. So it's
up to you, baby. You want to keep playing this game? Go right ahead.
But I'm not going to play it with you."
Mulder turned on his heel and padded off, undoubtedly cold with his
bare feet on the wooden floor, trailing the towel. Watching Mulder's
naked rear end depart, Alex could only try to control his breathing
and wipe at his eyes, wondering if he wasn't already in so deep that,
really, what would a mercy-fuck hurt at this point?
Fuck it. It was better than nothing. He was already hurting, anyway.
And at least this way he could have the satisfaction of knowing that
he got to at least touch Mulder, to sleep with him, just the once.
He followed Mulder into the bedroom.
Mulder had already slid beneath the covers. He lay quietly as Alex
slowly took off his clothes and with a sigh, climbed in beside him.
Alex was glad he'd not bothered putting on the prosthetic when he left
home. And felt a moment's shame followed by the knowledge that Mulder
would probably actually feel guilty about Alex's arm, rather than repulsed,
due to the circumstances of how Alex had lost it in the first place.
If not for Mulder, he'd still be whole.
Mulder turned and shifted under the covers, then moved to cuddle up
against him. Mulder's arms went around him, gathering him close and
Mulder's skin was warm and supple, sliding against his own nakedness
like liquid silk. One knee went up between his legs, all the way up
to rest against him there and his cock leaped against Mulder's body
as they tucked in tight together. In his ear, Mulder finally said, lowly,
"I was hoping you wouldn't run. That you'd stay. I do want you, Alex."
Alex didn't know what to say. Instead, he sought out Mulder's lips
in the dark and kissed him, once, twice, slowly, then allowed his mouth
to part against Mulder's. God, he thought, no more words, no more talking,
or fighting, or accusations. Just a little peace, a little bit of pretense.
Just pretend, for a little while, that all was well between them, that
he could have this. That he could have Fox, right here, in Fox's own
bed. Their heads together, on Fox's pillow. He let the contentment and
satisfaction of it seep into him, taking the tension away.
Mulder didn't increase the pace of their kiss, but let it linger, reflecting
Alex's need for quietude. It didn't even feel like sex. It felt like
—
Like making love, Alex realized. Yeah. This. Just this.
It was all he had ever wanted, all he'd ever dreamed of having.
Not fast and furious and hard, driven by desperation or despair but
slow, soft and deep.
"I want you," Mulder whispered, his voice strained.
Alex realized that what he was hearing in that statement was actually
a plea—Mulder wasn't up to 'being wanted' just now. Wasn't up to facing
getting fucked, himself. Alex grinned. "Yeah, I want that, too," he
replied, answering what Mulder hadn't explained.
The relief that went through Mulder's body was obvious and Alex couldn't
help laughing. "Don't worry. I don't want to do anything that you don't
want just as much. Really, Mulder, if you aren't up to it, we don't
have to do anything. It's enough just to hold you like this."
Mulder paused. "What do YOU want?"
Alex considered his reply carefully before saying, quietly, "To sleep
with you."
Mulder shifted against him. "Well, okay. Just—I thought—I don't know
if I CAN 'just sleep with you'."
Alex snickered, "Yeah, I can feel that; loud and clear." He pressed
back against Mulder, feeling both their cocks lying close and nestled
beside each other, pressed between them.
Mulder licked his lips and then murmured, "Um, as... completely embarrassing
as this is, I haven't slept with anyone or anything in years. I was
tested recently, too, when I got discharged from the hospital."
"Anyone or anything?" Alex laughed out loud. "Right. Well, I'm afraid
I don't believe you, considering Dana Scully's current condition. Or
am I supposed believe it isn't yours?"
"Uh, well, it IS mine. But it wasn't conceived in the usual fashion.
I donated." Mulder sounded embarrassed about that, too. Heavens.
"Very noble of you, Mulder. To do that for a friend, I mean. And your
partner. I know how much it meant to her."
Mulder flinched beside him. "Stop—just stop it. Don't talk about
it. Fuck, Alex, why'd you have to... Now you KNOW I'm going to have
to ask. Why'd you threaten Scully's baby?"
Alex snorted. "A little bit of faith wouldn't go amiss, PLEASE. I was
trying to cover my ass! Skinner found me in there, just moments after
giving you the vaccine. I had to do something to cover my presence there,
and also make him take you off life-support. Christ, Mulder."
Mulder was still against him and then he heard the smile in Mulder's
voice. "I thought so. But thanks for confirming it."
Alex let out a breath. And tightened his arm around Mulder. "Just,
please. I wasn't threatening her. I was getting Skinner to do the right
thing. That has NEVER been easy."
But obviously Mulder was now mulling over his compromising of Skinner,
because Mulder tightened under him again.
His mouth went dry. "This—won't ever be simple, will it?"
Mulder replied, "If you mean that I won't make it easy for you, you're
right. But I want you and you want me. That's between just the two of
us. And right now, I don't want to think about all that shit. I need
this. And so do you. So shut up and just promise me you'll tell me later.
Okay?"
"You have my word, Mulder, I swear. I will. Tomorrow. Later."
And then Mulder was wriggling down, and placing his hand under Alex's
knee, forcing him to lift his leg up...and up...
"I've never needed to use much lube," Mulder commented. "I'm usually
pretty slicked-up just from pre-come."
Anxiously, Alex said, "That's all well and good, Fox. But if you don't
mind, you're also pretty big so just get the lube anyway."
Mulder grinned and pulled away from him. "Just how long has it been
since you last did this?"
"Long enough."
Mulder was back in record time, no doubt having the lube nearby for
solo sessions... And despite the darkness, Alex's face suddenly heated
once more at the memories of the recent shared jerk-off session they'd
both had not long ago. "I want to blow you so badly," he said, almost
reverently.
Mulder froze and then resumed getting back into position between his
legs. He pushed Alex onto his back and said, "Sure. Later. Right now,
I want to compare the reality to the fantasy. I want to know what it
actually feels like, to have your legs up by my head."
Alex complied, feeling awkward suddenly. And then Mulder was aiding
him, bending his knees back up towards his chest and resting his ankles
by Mulder's ears, just as Mulder had described. "God, I want this, I've
wanted this for so long," Mulder murmured.
Alex gasped, unable to help feeling so vulnerably exposed like this
with Mulder stealing his composure and making him respond to Mulder's
words—
Wait. 'Wanted this for so long...'
"I knew it," Alex said, feeling triumphant. "I knew you wanted me."
"Well, of course," Mulder said. Then said, with a grin in his voice
again, "Are you ready?"
"Very." Alex tried to cover his anxiety with nonchalance.
It didn't work. Mulder ran a hand down his chest, over his upper belly
and back up again to smooth through his hair, then caress his face,
in a comforting gesture. "Don't worry, I won't hurt you." Mulder ran
a slick finger down his perineum and then circled slowly around his
hole, before sliding easily into his depths.
He sucked in a breath, feeling cold and hot simultaneously, and suddenly
not so much vulnerable as expectant and receptive. He didn't usually
LIKE sex like this, with anyone. But this, oh this...
Mulder's finger was joined by another and he wondered where the hell
Mulder had learned how to do this. He wanted to speak but managed to
bite back his words of gratitude just in time. Mulder's long, slender
fingers working him, touching him down there so... so SWEETLY. And he
found himself embarrassingly close to tears again.
He never thought to experience it like this with Mulder, EVER. Particularly
with all the barriers between them. But it seemed that in the interests
of relief and momentary peace, Mulder was willing to break all the rules
including his own.
And then the world disappeared but for the withdrawal of Mulder's fingers
from his ass, and the sensation of the blunt, round tip of Mulder's
cock pressing against his anus. Alex panicked, tightening against the
intruder despite himself.
He knew just how big Mulder was, well above average. Mulder's mouth
came down on his as Mulder leaned over him, holding him fast in a leisurely
long kiss. When Mulder finally relinquished him, he said, "Alex, I wonąt
hurt you. We'll take it slowly, okay?"
"Yeah. Okay." He relaxed a little and without warning, Mulder was sliding
forward, pressing into him, the cockhead entering him. He hissed, and
arched back, then bravely forward in a swift motion, allowing Mulder's
cock to push into him even harder. And it wasn't actually that bad.
In fact, despite the initial burn that he knew to expect, it was...
great. Wonderful. Fucking fantastic. Damn it.
How the hell am I supposed to make do with this just the one time,
he wondered. Then realized he'd murmured it aloud as Mulder chuckled
silently, shaking slightly against him.
"I think it's safe to assume that this is just the first time and not
the last," Mulder quipped. "And if you think you're going to sleep anywhere
else tomorrow night, you're sadly mistaken," he warned.
Then, as if to illustrate the point, he began rocking back and forth,
and slowly impaled Alex under him gradually until he was lodged deep
inside of him.
Alex found his breath coming harder and in gulps. Mulder's cock filled
him, stretched him, completed him, owned him. "Fox," he said, weakly.
And then couldn't say anything more as the pleasure cored him out, drilled
into him and forced groans from him.
With every thrust of Mulder's cock into him, slowly, jolts of pleasure
close to pain echoed inside of him, from that magic spot in his ass.
Where the HELL had Mulder learned how to fuck like this? He must have
done it before, with some guy, some time. Amazing. Alex wouldn't have
thought him capable of it, he was so repressed in all the years Alex
had known him. Too deep, too hard and too all-encompassing—he was
starting to fall already into that near state of frenzied paralysis
just before climax.
The sweat from Mulder's skin was mingling with his at every point where
their bodies touched and Alex felt hypersensitive, every nerve in his
body was aware of Mulder's proximity. Mulder was gasping and crying
out, the sound of his voice was making Alex hotter and hotter until
Alex realized he was going to come without even a single touch to his
cock.
The pleasure and the anticipation and release combined into one huge
glorious firework explosion behind his eyes and in his belly and in
his ass, his balls drawing up and he could feel the orgasm start to
shake him. Just one more plunge of Mulder inside of him and he was shouting
out loud, and writhing under him, straining against him, and he was
coming, his sperm spattering Mulder's body with surprising force, considering
how hard he'd come earlier.
He hadn't realized just how much he'd been screaming and yelling until
he heard how hoarse his voice was in the next moment, and he stopped,
delirious, waiting.
Mulder gave a long, strangled groan and then plunged erratically into
him a couple more times before flooding his ass with wet heat.
Alex's legs were stiff and shaking slightly, unused to being in that
position. He was not at all happy to feel Mulder's cock softening and
slipping out of him, wanting to keep the closeness of them joined together
like that, but he needed to stretch out and Mulder needed to lay down.
Mulder was quiet, and Alex slid against him, saying, "We're going to
have a major wet-spot, here, if we aren't careful."
"Fuck that," Mulder said, sounding exhausted but entirely victorious
and sated, and pleased with himself. "You're so hot, Alex."
"Mm. Thanks. You're not bad yourself."
"No, I mean that. Really. You're so hot and silky inside. I've never
felt anything so hot and tight around my dick before. I may have to
keep you."
A tender thrill of warmth darted through Alex at this. "I may have
to let you."
Mulder went very quiet then. He pulled Alex closer, ignoring the wetness
between them as Alex's come spread on their skin. "Alex, I have a confession."
"Well, this is probably as good a time as any," Alex mused, privately
wondering if he was up to it. He didn't think he could handle anything
at the moment. He wanted the good feeling to last for at least five
minutes longer.
"I do love you. I mean, I love you too. You were right. We both want
each other. It isn't just you. I think I was just so angry that I shouldn't,
COULDN'T, want you, that I took it out on you. For not being someone
I could have, I mean."
Alex swallowed and let out a breath, letting all the tension he'd felt
up to that moment out along with it. He pressed his forehead to Mulder's
and whispered, "I know."
"Good." Mulder kissed him.
Alex kissed him right back. And didn't let go until morning.
FINIS
Flash Point
by Jami Wilsen
Images cart-wheeled through Alex's mind,
a parade of sumptuous FBI-foxy flesh, and he bit his lips, moaning. He
was so close...
