Maybe if he opened his eyes he would see me. Not this façade I give him, but who
I am behind it. The thought almost made me laugh. There was nothing behind the
façade but more smoke and mirrors. The cigarette man picked a name from a list
in the academy, and I was it. I listened to his pitch, quietly, like he was
another recruiter for an Ivy League school. Oh, yes, I could have gone to
Harvard if I wanted. Would it surprise you to find that out? Probably. Your
blindness again, my friend.
The cigarette man told me what to expect, but I didn't expect you. I expected
your strengths, not your weaknesses. I didn't expect you to be human, to fuck up,
to make mistakes. I didn't expect you to love Scully, and I sure as hell didn't
expect you to want me.
Alex Krycek. God, Mulder, you wouldn't understand how much I hated who I was.
Nerdish, geekish little mouse. I hope that would have surprised you, but I doubt
it, somehow. You don't see me as being much more than that. I'd love to show you
the future that the cigarette man has in store for me. I'll see your mouse and
I'll raise you a rat.
The cigarette man hadn't prepared me for what it would feel like, to actually
kill a man. That was a shock. I didn't sleep that night, thinking how the gun
had recoiled in my hand, but I worked through it. I could do it again, and I
would do it again. Now my hand itches for my gun.
What am I going to do with you, Mulder? They want you. He wants you. He's got
a hard-on for you the size of a flag-pole. He wants you eating out of the palm
of his hands, like I do. It's not that hard, you know, eating out of a man's
palm. It's just a matter of bending down for it. I'd never let that freak do
anything to me.
When did it get so hot in here? I unrolled the window, waiting, but it didn't
cool me off. I wonder why. Oh, right, the red Speedos. That wasn't too subtle,
Mulder. Not that I was a master or deception myself about that little issue.
Did you mean for it to happen? I sure meant it to happen. I've never done that
before. Did you know that? I told you I had, but I hadn't. It hurt more than I
thought it would have. I hated spreading my legs for you. It was weakness, and
I don't show weakness anymore.
Ohhh, those are big words, Alex. I almost convinced me. Oh, I showed weakness.
I showed it when I shot that guy, I showed it at the autopsy. I rolled over and
show it every time that cigarette man calls. But it's not going to last. I'm
not going to be this weak forever. It gets easier. Killing people, I mean. And
it's a power. It's my power, and I want more of it.
That was a nice little rant. Am I really trying that hard not to think about it?
It had been good, once you probably realized that I had lied. Your fingers
worked inside me, and I can still feel it here, alone in the parking lot. You
thought I was easy from the beginning, didn't you? That I could be had. I
wasn't under orders, you know. That was me; that was my choice. I let you fuck
me because that was what I wanted. You knew it was my first time, but you didn't
know how important it was. I wanted to ask you if I was good, how pathetic is
that? Of course, I also wanted to mess with your hair and sleep with you wrapped
around me, so I'm just a bundle of freaks.
You can't always have what you want. I'm almost hard now, just thinking of the
way you looked on your knees in front of me the last time. I never told you
that, did I? Why would I have? While my dick was down your throat, Scully was
off getting kidnapped. You're a bright boy, Mulder. Eventually you are going to
figure out who I am, or who I am going to be. And man, Mulder, are you ever
going to be pissed.
Sleepless mind shapers, alien abductions and god-knows what else you've seen are
all one thing, but betrayal is something totally different. Betrayal. I say the
word out loud and my voice sounds off. How many people really know what that
word means, Mulder? You and me, obviously, on different sides of the issue, but
how many people live their daily lives never understanding what betrayal truly
means. You took me in, Mulder. You dismissed me as a threat, classified me as a
bumbling beginner, and patronized me, but you took me in. I took you inside me,
you took me down your throat.
Do you know how it feels to be fucked? You're going to find out, Mulder. Just
know that it wasn't me who was doing the screwing.
I am not going to apologize. You can't make me. I don't feel guilt over what I
did. It was a job. The cigarette man told me to make that into my mantra. It
was a job. You were a job. That gives me power too. But I didn't know about
Scully. You won't believe me, but I didn't know. It wouldn't have turned me
into a saint; I wouldn't have done anything to stop it. Scully was a threat to
me. To us. The us couldn't have lasted, but when she was in the room, you
forgot about me, and I will not be dismissed.
The thought makes me swallow. All right. I am sorry. Just this once, and it
won't happen again. She was important to you, you had a year of being her
partner. What would you have done if I had been your partner for that long? I
squirm in my seat. You didn't sleep with her. You were her partner for a year
and you never slept with her. It only took you three days with me. Why?
It was the old Alex Krycek, wasn't it. You finally met someone who was more
geeky than you were. Did it make it easier? You sure as shit didn't mind the
hero-worship. You pretended it did but you lapped it up. Will it break your
heart when you find out that he's dead? Or dying. The cigarette man will tell
me when the old Alex Krycek dies. No more itchy suits, no more dog-collar ties.
I'll dance on the grave of the old Alex Krycek. I don't think even the cigarette
man knows what he's unleashing. The thought makes me smile and I hunker down
lower in the car seat. I'll be free, Mulder, but I'll still be yours. If you
want me.
Please, Mulder. Want me.
Metamorphosis
by Jackie Jack
The fucking suit itches. I can't stand the feeling of the tie around my throat;
it's like a collar, and it's choking me. Mulder doesn't suspect anything, but
then he wouldn't. He doesn't see a lot, for all the truth he seeks.
