Mulder: Hey, Byers? I was wondering if you (mumble mumble)
Byers: Pardon?
M: I was wondering if you wanted to (mumble)
B: I don't understand what you're saying.
M: (Taking deep breath) I was wondering if you wanted to go out for dinner with
me.
B: What's that supposed to mean?
M: Look, Scully told me it was about time I asked you out, so I did, that's all—I didn't expect some kind of Consortium Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
The door flies open and Alex Krycek enters, followed by Luis Cardinale and
another thug.
Krycek: NOBODY expects the Consortium Inquisition! Our chief weapon is
surprise...surprise and murderous impulses...murderous impulses and
surprise...Our two weapons are murderous impulses and surprise...and ruthless
efficiency. Except for the Melissa Scully thing which were very sorry about. Our
three weapons are murderous impulses, surprise, and ruthless efficiency except
for the Melissa Scully thing which we're very sorry about...and an almost
fanatical devotion to national security...Our four...no...Amongst our
weapons...Amongst our weaponry are such elements as murderous impulses,
surprise...I'll come in again. M: I didn't expect some kind of Consortium
Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
Alex Krycek, Luis Cardinale and the thug burst in.
K: NOBODY expects the Consortium Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such
diverse elements as murderous impulses, surprise, ruthless efficiency except for
the Melissa Scully thing which we're very sorry about, an almost fanatical
devotion to national security, and nice leather jackets—Oh damn! (to Luis
Cardinale) I can't say it—you'll have to say it. Cardinale: What?
K: You'll have to say the bit about 'our chief weapons are...'
C: (rather horrified) I couldn't do that!
Krycek bundles the thugs outside again.
M: I didn't expect some kind of Consortium Inquisition.
(JARRING CHORD)
Alex Krycek and the thugs burst in.
C: Er...Nobody...um...
K: (Prompting helpfully) Expects...
C: Expects...Nobody expects the...um...the Consortium...um...
K: Inquisition.
C: I know, I know! Nobody expects the Consortium Inquisition. In fact, those who
do expect—
K: Our chief weapons are...
C: Our chief weapons are...um..are...er...
K: Murderous impulses...
C: Murderous impulses and—
K: Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there, stop there. Stop. Okay. Our chief weapons are
murderous impulses...yadda yadda yadda. Read the charges. Thug: You are hereby
charged that you did on diverse dates come too close to...THE TRUTH! We are
therefore entitled, as—
K: That's enough. (To Mulder) How do you plead?
M: (Directing sultry look at Krycek) I'm guilty. How are you going to punish me,
big boy?
K: (Laughs maniacally) Murderous impulses, surprise, and a most ruthless—(controls himself with a supreme effort) Oooh! Now, Cardinale, sod off.
C: What?
K: Sod off.
C: (Whispering desperately) That's not in the script!
K: I don't give a flying fuck about the bloody script, just get out!
Cardinale and the thug leave, casting nervous glances back at Mulder and Krycek.
The door slams behind them.
M: (Slightly nervous) Um, Krycek...
K: Give me your handcuffs, Mulder. I'm going to enjoy this...
END.
Yes, I'm going to hell, aren't I? I'm sorry. Very, very sorry. But not half as
sorry as you are, I'll bet.
Consortium Inquisition
by Isayeva
Mulder's office. He is on the phone to Byers.
is
