Mulder: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(Krycek does not respond)
M: 'Ello, you scum-sucking piece trash? Kryce K: What do you mean 'scum-sucking'?
M: (pause) I'm sorry. I'm having a bad day. I wish to register a complaint.
K: I'm going out.
M: Never mind about that, you bastard. I wish to complain about this alien you
sold me not half an hour ago.
K: Oh yes, the Reticulan Grey. What's wrong with it?
M: I'll tell you what's wrong with it. It's dead. That's what's wrong with it.
K: No, no, he's, uh...resting.
M: Look, my friend, I kinow a dead alien when I see one, and I'm looking at one
right now.
K: No, no, he's not dead; he's resting. Amazing alien, the Reticulan. Great
telepathy!
M: The telepathy doesn't enter into it. He's stone dead.
K: Nononono, no! He's reting!
M: All right then, if he's resting, I'll wake him up. (Shouting at the alien)
Hello, Mister alien! I've got some lovely fresh liver for you! (Krycek kicks
alien)
K: There, he moved!
M: no he didn't, that was you kicking him!
K: I never!
M: Yes, you did!
K: I never, never did anything...
M: (Grabbing alien and shaking it vigorously) HELLO ALIEN!!! Testing! Testing!
Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Holds alien by the feet and whacks its head on the floor. Throws it into the air
and watches it plummet to the ground.)
M: Now that's what I call a dead alien.
K: No, no...no, he's stunned.
M: STUNNED?!
K: Yeah! You stunned him just as he was waking up! Reticulans stun easily.
M: Now look, I've had enough of this. That alien is definitely deceased, and when
I purchased it not half an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of
movement was due to it being tired and shagged out after warp-speed travel.
K: Well, he's...he's, uh...probably pining for his friends.
M: PINING FOR HIS FRIENDS?! What kind of talk is that? Look, why did he fall flat
on his back the moment I got him home?
K: The Reticulan Grey prefers sleeping on its back. Remarkable alien, isn't he?
Great telepathy!
M: Look, I took the liberty of examining that alien when I got it home, and I
discovered the only reason that it had been sitting in its space-ship in the
first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
K: Well, of course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that alien down, it
would have jumped out of that space-ship, mind-wiped you and VOOM!
M: "VOOM"? Alex, this alien wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through
it. He's demised!
K: No, no! He's pining!
M: He's not pining! He's passed on! This alien is no more! He has ceased to be!
He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life, he rests
in peace! If you hadn't nailed him to his space-ship he's be pushing up the
daisies! His metabolic processes are now history! He's kicked the bucket, he's
shuffled off this mortal coil, rung down the curtain and joined the choir
invisible!
THIS IS AN EX-ALIEN!
END
The Dead Alien Sketch
by Isayeva
Mulder enters Krycek's apartment dragging an alien behind him.
