I can't get this song out of my head. I don't remember where I heard it or
what the group was called but it describes my situation so perfectly.
If only I could turn back time.
Yes, if only I could. What would I have done differently?
So many opportunities where I took the wrong path, made the wrong choice.
If only I could turn back time.
What would I do? Where would I begin? What would I change?
The day my father introduced me to the men he worked for? The day I agreed
to work for them in exchange for my tuition? The day I was send to spy on
him? The day I met him?
I guess back then it was already too late, I was in too deep. But still,
things could have gone different. This whole mess with Scully was so
unnecessary and in the end it blew my cover. Now, if they hadn't taken
Scully, if I had stayed Mulder's partner, if he'd begun to trust me, to
believe in me how much would have been different? Where would we be now?
Mulder was already on his way to accept me, to trust me and to see me as his
partner. And it could have been so much more. I could see it in his eyes
when he thought I wasn't watching, wasn't noticing. He was buying this
sweet, adoring new-partner-routine and by then I was more than willing to be
whatever he wanted me to be.
If only I could turn back time.
What would have happened if I had told him everything? Mulder wants the
truth but can he live with it? How would he react if he learned the truth,
the truth as I know it? Of course Mulder never quite understood that the
truth like everything else is relative and subjective. The truth! The truth
as Mulder sees it doesn't exist. Could he live with my truth? Or any version
of my truth?
I tried to show it to him which brought us to Tunguska and cost me an arm.
If only I could turn back time.
Turn back time, yes that would be definitely a point where I would do that
and try a different approach. Loosing my arm was not something I'd planned.
That just shows that whatever intelligence I possess deserts me when I'm
with Mulder.
Mulder. Maybe I should go back to a time before I knew him, knew of him.
Back then I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get it. I was on my way up
the ladder to power and influence and everything seemed possible. Until I
was given a file about one Fox William Mulder.
If only I could turn back time.
~ End ~
If Only
by Gwendolen
If only I could turn back time.
