It's time to leave.
I know you hate it when I leave before you wake up. Is that the romantic in you
who dreams off sleeping and waking up in a lover's arms? Or does it simply
scare you? Does the night and all we did take on a dreamlike quality when I'm
not there anymore? Or is it simply your conscience rearing it's little head and
complaining about the stupid things you did last night? I wonder if it sounds
like Scully.
Any way, here I am, telling myself that I should leave, be gone when you wake.
I hate saying good-bye but that's not the only reason, leaving you becomes
harder and harder every time I have to do it.
But how can I leave when you look like this, so young and vulnerable. Your face
is relaxed in sleep, no nightmares this time. You're curled up on your side,
the sheets around your waist, your beautiful chest and arms bare. I want to
touch you, I ache to touch you but I don't, you need your sleep.
My beautiful lover, you're not even aware how much you influence me. It's not
only your face and body, as tempting as they are, it's also your mind, this
fascinating, twisted and amazing thing. Listen to me, Fox, how cliché I sound.
I don't only love you for your body but also for your mind.
I should leave, make sure that no-one sees me. We still have to hide this, us
and I loathe it. Do you?
Could you picture us in a house with a picket fence, a cat and a dog?
Domesticated and tamed?
I can't but I would love some time alone with you, somewhere safe where we
simply could be together, make love, spend some quality time together. No FBI.
No Consortium. No past. No future. Just us. But that's just a dream, won't
happen, not in this life. Still, it's a nice dream.
I should leave now. It's to dangerous to stay much longer.
But how can leave when you need me here, when you need someone to touch and
hold. This is something Scully can't or won't offer. I admit I'm jealous of
her, the place she has in your life, her importance. I wish you'd need me this
much but you don't. Would you miss me when I suddenly didn't turn up anymore?
Or would you be glad?
There are times when I still can't believe what we have now. So much happened
in the past. So much stood between us. But somehow fate always threw us
together again, didn't it? And it's good, isn't it?
I should leave but instead I get back into bed with you and curl myself around
you, feeling you shift to accommodate me. This is where I belong.
July 1998
Dawn
Musings
by Gwendolen
The first light of the coming day falls into the room.
