Tonight was an on night for them.
They had agreed, no matter how risky, that in order for them to continue to
have the strength to play the roles they had chosen, they would make time, once
a month, to leave it all behind and remind themselves why they were doing it
all. So they had planned the dates far in advance. They had plotted their
paths to the rendezvous points, set up abort signals, made secret contacts to
pass messages through to each other, and, in general, organized the thing to
death. As a result, they were sitting in a dumpy theatre on the main street of
historic Alexandria holding hands like teenagers and watching Elizabeth, fairly
confident that neither had been followed to their destination.
Earlier that day, Mulder had left work as usual, but instead of suffering
through the rush hour traffic all the way back to Alexandria, he had gotten off
the bypass at Crystal City, parked at the local mall, and proceeded to a
sporting goods store inside. There, he had made a quick purchase and left the
store as promptly as he had entered. He had then languidly strolled through
the stores, apparently window shopping, but in truth, checking for tails. Once
he was fairly certain no one was watching him, he ducked into a busy restroom,
taking advantage of an empty stall to change into the neon pink silk jogging
suit he had purchased at the sports store. Completing his outfit with a garish
orange baseball cap, he then left the restroom in crowd of men and exited the
mall.
Mulder proceeded to jog to the local subway station, amused to notice along
the way that people really do make an effort not to look at anything so bright
they need sunglasses. By choosing to make himself as conspicuous as possible,
he had in fact done the opposite. There was the added amusement of making Alex
suffer through a night on the town with an admittedly embarrassing companion.
Mulder changed trains no less than six times, backtracking on a couple legs
of the route, jumping on trains as they were departing, and ducking down
crowded stairwells unexpectedly. He then left the subway system several stops
short of his destination and proceeded to run the rest of the way. He still
arrived at the agreed upon theatre an hour too early, and so sat down in the
Greek restaurant across the street, ordering a little kalamari to snack on
while he waited, keeping an eye on the cinema's front door and checking out the
surrounding streets in the meantime.
Exactly two minutes before the movie was to start, and ten minutes too long for
the eager Fox, Alex arrived in front of the restaurant on a motorcycle, wearing
his black leather jacket and worn blue jeans. Mulder felt his heart rate
increase and licked his suddenly dry lips. He paid his tab and crossed the
street to his waiting lover. As he approached, he saw the minute Alex's eyes
found him, as his face, which had been forbidding and stern, metamorphosed into
an eager smile.
"Nice outfit." Trust Alex not to be fazed by such excess.
Mulder reach out with both hands to Alex, "Alex, I..". The words were choked
and sounded foreign even to him. //Alex, I missed you. Alex, I love you.
Alex, I need to touch you.// His eyes filled with tears, while his actions
stuttered in harmony with his words as he realized the foolishness of kissing
another man in public. His hands fell abruptly to his sides. "Oh God..."
Alex merely nodded, his own eyes none too dry. He casually brushed Mulder's
arm with his good hand, the left being tucked discreetly in his jacket pocket
in a parody of normality, giving an impression of disinterest he did not feel.
"I know. Let's go inside." It was all they could do in the scripts they had
written for themselves at this time.
Alex did grumble momentarily as Mulder bought the tickets. He had not known
which flick Mulder had chosen , and was disgruntled to find it a "fucking
snooty art film". Still, time with Fox was time with Fox, and the rest was
just background, he figured.
They sat down in the back of the rundown little theatre, two of the six patrons
present. Mulder was consciously trying not to appear fixated on Alex, and was
only succeeding to a limited extent. Alex, on the other hand, was making no
effort to mask the fact that he was pouring over every inch of his lover.
There was an awkward moment as their eyes met and hopelessness threatened to
overwhelm them.
"You've lost weight," Alex observed huskily, his voice a familiar sexy whisper
to Mulder.
"I've missed you," was the reply, as if it was an obvious reason for his
scarecrow like limbs and haggard eyes. "Are you...ok?"
"Yeah. It's been pretty dull. Being dead doesn't leave much room for an active
social life." Alex joked about their plot involving his apparent death in
order to deceive the Consortium.
This drew a half-hearted smile from Mulder. "Well, at least you don't have to
pay taxes."
"There is that. How's work?"
"It's been busy. With the X-files reinstated to Scully and me, we have been so
overwhelmed going through the backlog which developed while we were away, we
haven't had much time for much else. That and everything else I'm working on."
They never directly addressed The Plan anymore. "Still, it's nice to be back
under Skinner and out of Kersh's grasp. Not to mention the lack of manure."
Alex gifted him with another smile, "I thought you smelled different. How's
Scully been?"
Alex was aware of the strain Mulder's secret life put on his relationship with
Scully. Keeping secrets from your best friend was never an easy thing. That
and the tension that Fowley woman had caused was still doing damage.
"She's holding up. I swear she's more focused on discovering the truth than I
am now. She really has taken the cause to heart. I'm just glad she is alright
and didn't end up like the others." They both fell silent as images of the
charred human wreckage left behind by the rebel aliens filled their minds. It
was not a sight or smell you could ever forget. For each there were the
associated guilts the memories carried with them as well.
The arrival of the previews saved them from their own private horror films, and
distracted them from the need for stilted conversation. It was as if they had
put up so many walls around topics that they could and couldn't talk about,
that the walls tripped them and kept them from saying the things they wanted.
Still, as the theatre darkened, Alex reached for Mulder's hand with his own
and, raising it to his lips, pressed a loving kiss to the knuckles. Mulder
sighed, slumped in his seat, and rested his head on Alex's shoulder, clasping
their hands together in his lap.
Despite the number of things pressing on both their minds, neither one said a
word for the next two hours.
They were still holding hands as they left the movie house and started walking
down King Street. The shared experience of the film had reestablished the
intimacy they were accustomed to and dissipated the miasma of stilted civility
which had permeated their early conversation. Still they walked in silence for
a couple blocks before Mulder began apologizing.
"Look, I'm sorry you didn't like it, but I really wanted to see this one. It
had so many good reviews. I promise next time we can see a guy movie."
"Relax, Mulder, I loved the movie. Contrary to what you apparently think of
me, I do like other types of films besides action flicks. In fact, Elizabeth
has always been one of my favorite historical figures. I was just thinking
about all the sacrifices she made for her country." Alex smiled his familiar
self-deprecating wry grin, an action which Mulder knew meant he was revealing
something Alex felt made him vulnerable. "British history was always my
favorite subject in school. I hated American and Russian politics, but British
always fascinated me. And Elizabeth was the pinnacle of it all."
Mulder just could not see young Alex pouring over history texts and hanging on
his history professor's every word. Alex, in those uncomfortable desks,
smelling of sweat and pencil lead like so many teens, was an anathema. He
could only picture his lover hanging out behind the gym smoking cigarettes, or,
more likely, ditching school altogether to do his own thing, most likely ending
up with him getting in trouble. He could easily envision Alex batting his long
lashes at some hapless cop, persuading the officer, who didn't stand a chance,
that he really didn't need to ticket Alex. That this aberration from the law
was a one time thing. Alex and chalkboards just did not mix.
"You remember your high school history class?"
"High school? Hell, I remember being fascinated with Elizabeth in middle
school. It was all that power she held. I mean, she took a country on the
brink of socio-economic and political ruin, and transformed it into a major
world power within one lifetime. How many other monarchs can you say that of?
Plus she was a woman in what was very much a man's world. At least, that was
why I admired her when I was a kid. Now...."
"Now...? What changed?" Mulder encouraged.
"Now I see things differently. Sure, she held a lot of power, but what good
did it do her? Did she use it to get what she wanted? I can't think of a
single thing she gained from all that power, other than the realization of her
dream of healing her country. And while that is a lofty ideal, it's not much
to keep you warm at night, you know? She would never have a friend she could
completely trust or know valued her for herself and not her position. She
would never know love, or a family of her own. She transformed herself into a
persona which was her job. She was totally consumed by her work to the point
where she lost her Self. The movie just made it clearer to me- all the
sacrifices she made.
"I mean, you and I, we have made sacrifices for our jobs," he shuddered a bit,
remembering white hot blades which shone through closed eyelids, carrying a
pain that surpassed his body's ability to translate into recognizable terms for
his brain, "but we have managed to keep who we are intact. I mean, I'm still
me, not the brainless thug that cancerous bastard would have me be. And you
are still tenacious and committed and fairly sane, despite their attempts to
undermine you. We haven't ever completely given up who we are to what we are.
I'm not sure I could ever be strong enough to make that type of commitment to a
cause. She transformed herself into a stone facade of an ideal which no human
should ever be forced to become. I just could never kill my emotions to that
extent."
Mulder thought for a moment, then pointed out, "But would that really be
beneficial? Most of us need some sort emotional reward for our actions, or we
don't feel they are worth pursuing. If you sacrifice your emotional wellbeing,
what keeps you going— what inspires you? This Self is the source of
motivation, creativity, interpretation, and growth— if you kill it, you can
become nothing, achieve nothing new, take pleasure in nothing, care for
nothing. What joy would there be in life?"
"But that is exactly why Elizabeth is such an amazing figure. By subverting
her spiritual being, she transformed herself into something that gave
spirituality to others. I don't mean the spirituality of church and organized
religion, but faith in one's self, in one's value and purpose on earth. By
strengthening her country, she created a unified patriotism which trickled down
into all classes of society and empowered people. Which in turn strengthened
the country. She made the ultimate sacrifice— her spiritual wellbeing— for
the good of others. It is kinda humbling to think of."
Mulder wasn't sure he fully understood the implications of Elizabeth's life for
Alex, but he could see clearly that she had a profound effect on him. It
touched him to see Alex so open and enthusiastic about anything.
"What about you, Mulder? Who are your heroes?" Alex shook off his
introspective manner the way a dog shakes off water, and just as quickly. He
looked at Mulder through veiled eyes, a seductive smirk curling his lips.
Mulder again felt his heart rate speed, as well as more pronounced physical
changes. Alex effected him the way no other could, manipulating his responses
from cognitive to physical in less than a second. "Ummm. I'm not sure I want
to tell you. You have enough on me already."
"Oh come on Fox, I told you mine..." Even Alex's whine was becoming to Mulder,
especially when he called him 'Fox'.
"Well, you are, of course."
Alex was stunned. There was no doubt in Mulder's statement. He said it the
way someone would report the current time when they were standing in front of
clock— with absolute certainty, fully expecting it to be believe and accepted
as canon by others. Mulder admired him, even looked up to him, as a person.
Him, Alex Krycek, murdering rat-bastard, treacherous liar, manipulative,
corrupt...the list of terms was endless. Alex knew that Mulder had come to
terms with his father's death at his lover's hands, Alex's role in Scully's
abduction, and betrayal as his FBI partner, but he had never thought to achieve
this degree of forgiveness and acceptance, no matter how much Mulder grew to
need him physically or care for him. He never thought to have someone look up
to him, when he could not even admit to respecting himself to such extent. He
survived. That was it. He didn't do things because he believed in a great
cause or ideal, but because of what was done to him. What was to admire?
"Mulder, I..." He couldn't find the words.
Mulder could read the emotions racing through his love's mind quite clearly
though, and interrupted him, rather than listen to his self-recriminations.
"Alex, hear me out. Most of how you see yourself is probably how I saw you at
first. It was the image you projected to the outside world. You killed
someone, so saw yourself as a killer, but the reasoning behind it got lost in
the background. You did make some mistakes at first, but those weren't done
out of malice, not really. It was more ignorance and misunderstanding,
propagated by the Consortium and manipulated for their benefit. But you
learned from those mistakes, recognized them for what they were, and took steps
to repair them. Do you know how few people have the strength to even admit
their errors to themselves, let alone try to change them? That requires so
much, Alex. That's part of why I admire you so much, your ability to and
willingness to change, whether you recognize that or not.
"But your strengths shine in other areas as well. You have had the hardest
life I know, yet you never are overwhelmed by it. You always see a way out.
You endure so much, but I have never heard you complain. If you don't like a
situation, you change it into something you can work with. That's a talent very
few people have. I know I don't. And you know what kills me? You can't see
your own strengths, yet they shine from you like a beacon as soon as someone
takes the time to get to know you. They are so clear to me, I can't see
anything else anymore. All those traits you admired in Elizabeth— they lie in
you too. Only you don't have her flaw. You aren't made of stone. You are
warm, and loving, and approachable, and change from one moment to the next.
And I can't wait, Alex. I can't wait to see what you are going to become next,
what you are going to achieve and inspire others to achieve, whether they
understand what you do for them or not. But I do understand. I fully
understand what I see in you, even if you can't see it yourself, and I know I
want to be a part of it. I want to be a part of you, Alex. Of your smile,
your laugh, your tears, your pain AND your shame, because I find you, Alex
Krycek, rat-bastard extrordinare, the most perfect thing in my life. And I may
not get to see you for more than a few stolen moments at a time for the rest of
our lives, but just knowing you exist is enough. It's enough to keep me going
through all this bullshit with Kersh, the losses of family and friends, threats
from this world and beyond— because you are that strong.
"And another thing. Maybe this time we spend together is dangerous to our
cause and a foolish threat to our plans, but I think it is what keeps us from
becoming stone. It keeps our emotions alive and inspires us to continue.
'Cause you know what? Stone cracks. It's brittle, and in the end, no matter
how perfect, it all ends up as dust. And I want more to be more than that. I
want to bend and grow with you, and you help me do that. I love you, Alex; if
only I could make you understand how much."
With each word Mulder spoke, Alex could feel something within him crumble.
Once he might have panicked at the weakness he felt developing within, but now
he began to see. It was not his strength which was leaving, but the bonds he
had chained himself with. Those bonds he had placed on his feelings so that he
didn't have to face his guilt and insecurities, the walls that he erected
around his feelings and his heart, not only did they prevent the outside world
from damaging him, but they had obscured Alex's view of himself and trapped all
that was good. They had limited him to the being he thought others saw— a
reflection of fear and misunderstanding. But Mulder had pierced the illusion
and was helping Alex to do so also.
Alex realized that his complete world view had shifted within the four block
walk to the hotel he had made reservations at under an assumed name. It was an
amazing thing. "Mulder, I love you too," he said, understanding more of what
this meant. "Let's go inside." Still holding hands, they entered the Holiday
Inn's plush foyer and boarded the elevator. Arriving at their room moments
later, Alex unlocked the door and opened it, feeling as he did so that as they
stepped through this entrance, they were really stepping into something
greater together.
As soon as the door shut, Alex had Mulder pinned against the door, kissing him
with all the longing in his heart for the first time. He started hard,
plundering Mulder's mouth with a ferocity he had never felt before. His tongue
swept the hidden corners, learning the new tastes of his lover, rubbing against
his tongue. He then tasted him with gentleness, licking and nibbling at the
full lower lip, pulling at it with his own. Mulder responded in kind, running
his hands through the spiky hair on Alex's nape, drawing him closer. He
pressed his body against the firm frame of his lover, feeling the answering
need in Alex's hardness and heat. He could feel the strangeness of the touches
for Alex, resulting from their new understanding of each other. They had made
love many times before, yet this was also the first time. It sparked a
consuming fire within them. They could not get their clothes off quickly
enough, could not be close enough, could not have enough skin touching skin.
There were no limits to their passion for each other. They bit each other's
necks and shoulders, marking one another instinctively, then kissing tiny
apologies with their tongues. They explored each other's bodies as if they had
never been in this territory before. Alex found a spot in the swell of Mulder
back that tasted sweeter than the rest of him, and caused him to arch and cry
out when suckled. Fox, in turn, repeatedly caressed the crease between Alex's
ribs and abdomen, a sensation which would normally spark a ticklish reaction,
but in this case had Alex purring and grasping for control.
He tumbled Mulder onto the bed, ridding him of his last articles of clothing
and grinding into him at the same time. He stared down at Mulder, learning
each muscle in his lanky frame again, as he fumbled for the lubricant he had
placed on the bedside table earlier. He trailed trembling fingers over
Mulder's abdomen, which shook in sympathy, down along his groin, targeting his
sensitive perineum. "Can I...I want.."
"Oh God, yes," Mulder said, as if his acquiescence was ever in question. He
pulled his legs towards his chest and groaned as Alex teased him, stroking his
scrotum, his cheeks, his inner thighs, anywhere but the crevice that so wanted
his touch. Alex kissed away his pleas for swiftness as he carefully lubed his
fingers, then gently rubbed one over the sensitive hole. Mulder sighed his
approval and stoked Alex's flanks with his legs, locking his ankles behind his
lover's back. Alex had finally slipped one finger inside him, stroking him
gently, when Mulder could wait no longer. "Now, Alex, now!" he demanded. And
Alex was sore put not to obey. He hurriedly thrust two more fingers into
Mulder, stretching him as best he could, and then, having lubricated his over
sensitive cock, pushed against Mulder's opening. He stopped the instant before
penetration to kiss Mulder hungrily yet tenderly one more time, locking their
hands together, then thrust firmly into the hot passage. Mulder screamed his
approval and thrust himself more firmly onto Alex, his own cock rubbing on the
washboard of Alex's abdomen. Rhythm established, Alex alternated quick deep
thrusts with slow, thorough rubs against Mulder's prostate, starting with the
head of his cock, then dragging up its hard shaft. Mulder was hungrily sucking
on his neck, encouraging with soft sobbing groans and swipes of his hot tongue.
And then, as Fox was gripped and rushed over the pinnacle into an abyss of
pleasure, spurting his come between their bodies, he bit into Alex's shoulder,
triggering Alex's own release into his lover. He collapsed on Mulder in
exhaustion, trying to preserve their physical connection as much as possible.
Mulder continued to stroke his lover's back, as both of them regained their
breaths. They snuggled contentedly for a while, until the silence was
shattered by Mulder's chuckle.
"What are you laughing at?" Alex asked.
"I have this song running through my head all of a sudden."
"Which one?"
"Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings."
END
Stone Hero
by Endymion
What love is, if thou wouldst be taught,
Thy heart must teach alone—
Two souls with but a single thought,
Two hearts that beat as one.
—Friedrich Halm, trans. from Der Sohn der Wildnis
