Trench coats and leather jackets are mandatory
Tyler leaned back in her push desk chair and propped her heels up on her desk. It
was a beautiful day outside and she couldn't help but regret that she'd have to
spend the day interviewing out of work characters. Still, Mulder and Krycek were
misbehaving horribly lately and she had been forced into threatening them with
replacement. If she didn't at least go through the motions of interviewing
understudies the pair of them would be completely uncontrollable.
She could hear the muffled rumble of many voices just outside her office door as
the applicants ran through the scripts that had been scattered about. A great
many of her list-children were grouped around her massive, well-appointed office.
All of them were eager to offer their opinions on the awaiting men. Dr Ruthless
and Fox'sGal had taken over the leather couch. The Doctor was laying her arms
across the back and lounging as if she owned the place while Fox'sGal examined a
rather unusual stain on the sofa's covering. Frankie, Kest and Nocturne were
standing near the window sharing a 'zine between them and giggling at something
that had caught their fancy. The object in question required the 'zine to be
turned sideways and two flaps dropped out of the book. Isahunter had perched
herself on a filing cabinet and was kicking her heels in a rather annoying
fashion. Over near the doorway Bonita was readjusting the cookie jar on her lap,
prepared to offer up treats to console the actors who would be sent on their way
without jobs.
"I still can't believe you're going through with this." MJ Lee dropped onto a
corner of Tyler's desk. "It'd never be the same with anyone else."
"I'm not really going to replace our darlings." Tyler repeated for the what felt
like the hundredth time this morning. "But the pair of them have gotten so
arrogant lately. It can't hurt to shake them up a bit." She sighed and jabbed a
finger out to turn on the intercom. "Send in the first pair."
Ayanna shoved open the door the office and stepped inside, holding it open for
the pair of men following her. "Trela was supposed to send the more obviously
inappropriate candidates on their way but she's wandered off somewhere with one
of the guys auditioning for the Krycek part. I could use some help out here."
"Bagatelle is in the next office surfing the web." Tyler informed her frustrated
assistant for the day. "She'll tell you she's working, but don't believe her.
Haul her ass out to give you a hand."
"Thanks." After a brief glance down at the notepad in her hand Ayanna announced,
"I'd like to introduce Jim Ellison and Blair Sandburg." She smiled as the large
man and his vaguely feminine looking companion eased into the room. Jim's brow
was creased up as if he were fighting off a headache.
"So what've you got, boys?" Tyler hadn't bothered to keep track of which couples
had got which scripts.
"Umm... " The long haired, hippie looking one peered at the papers he had
clutched in his hand. "We were given 'The Pact' by Mulderslady." He face raised
with a faintly disturbed expression. "Umm... Can I ask, are all your stories
so... " Blair sought out the correct word. "Hostile. I mean this dialogue...
AHHH!! Dang it Mulder. Shit! Fuck that hurts!... and... Like that huh?
Bitch!... and... Take it you little bitch! Take it!" The young man quoted.
"Intense. It seems to me this gig is going to be rather emotionally draining. I
mean, has this writer considered taking some sensitivity training? What do you
think, Jim?"
"I just wanna know who the hell my character works for anyway." Ellison asked,
since he'd rather enjoyed playing a cop in his last show and wanted to be one of
the good guys again.
"Well we'd be able to help you with that if you'd read the audition flyer
properly." Tyler complained. "It clearly states a wardrobe requirement which you
two have disregarded." Her gaze raked up their frames. "I can't tell which parts
you're applying for."
"Yeah, I looked at that." Blair frowned. "But don't you ladies think that leather
jackets simply scream 'cruelty to animals'. It's so not me."
"Oh please." Tyler groaned. "This isn't 'Touched by an Angel', Boys." She waved a
hand. "Thanks but no thanks. That hair just doesn't do anything for me." The
Listmaster dismissed the couple without waiting to hear them read.
"Ick." Isahunter commented.
"The perils of open casting." Tyler shrugged. "NEXT!" She screamed out.
"An elevator?" The younger man of the pair standing before them inquired yet
again in rather stuffy British accent.
"A lift." Kest shouted from her place over by the window, hoping to speed things
along.
"There's very little to say in the first scene of this script." The lovely youth
with the odd blondish braid and ponytail continued to be difficult, gesturing
with his copy of Isahunter's No Ordinary Morning.
"Well duh! It's a pwp." Isahunter defended her work. "It's about delving into
emotions and motivations." She grinned. "And smut, of course."
"And such rousing smut it was." MJ fanned herself with her hand.
"I'm sorry." Ayanna, leaning on the inside of the door apologized. "They were
seething so nicely at one another in the waiting room. I mean, I know the
wardrobe is bit... off... but... " She was well aware that long robes of beige
and browns weren't what Tyler had in mind.
The elder of the two men laid a gentle hand on the younger's shoulder. "Don't
think so much, young Padawan. Simply allow the situation to flow through you."
"Yes Master."
"Now THAT'S promising." One of the woman commented. The pair proceeded to show
exactly how promising they could be as the Master tilted his apprentice's chin up
and they exchanged a poignant look.
"Yes, yes. Very pretty. Soulmates eternal and all that crap but it's not the kind
of thing we're after here." Tyler flicked her hand. "Run along, Gentlemen."
When the pair of them entered the room most of the women had high hopes, even
Tyler perked up and smiled but only until she realised that the Krycek look-alike
was dressed to the nines and shrouded in a long black raincoat. The man's tall,
skinny companion was trying out for the Alex role. What a waste.
The chemical attraction the two guys shared was impressive and they had a nice
undercurrent of rivalry as well. Unfortunately their performance had a tendency
to drift into silliness which suited some parts of the story but ruined other
bits.
The Krycek clone delivered his line in a enticingly low whisper. "What in the
hell do they pay you to make this life worth it?"
"You might notice by the state of my wallet that no one is paying me." The
younger one couldn't seem to suppress a snort of amusement. "Hey Vic. It sounds
just like our last job... speaking of which... " He looked up at the surrounding
women. "I noticed a part in here for a female partner. There's this... "
"Mac!" The elder chastised. "Stick to the script. This is serious business."
"Yeah, yeah. I'm with you. I just thought if Li Ann were to hang out it'd be like
old times, y'know." Mac rumpled the script he was holding. "Hey, are we gonna do
it in the bathroom? When's the sex scene start? Am I on the bottom every time?"
"Mac." Victor swatted his partner yet again. "Behave yourself."
"It's okay." Dr Ruthless spoke up. "Why don't you boys just skip ahead to that
part anyway."
Over by the window a quiet conference was taking place. "They certainly aren't
mean enough to work for this but we've got to make sure these guys get a 'RatB'
business card before they leave." Frankie insisted.
"Go to hell," The slender man snapped, managing to look reluctant and rub back up
into the man restraining him at the same time.
The aggressor slid his strong hand down the other's body. "You have two choices
here, pretty-boy. You can make this good for the both of us or it will be very
painful for you alone."
"What are their names again?" Nocturne asked breathlessly, drowning out the next
growling exchange.
"McLeod and Methos." Kest murmured without lifting her eyes.
A rough finger ran across the white skin scuffed with dirt. "Ain't that too bad
for you," he growled.
The one on the bottom, Methos, lowered his eyes coquettishly, enticing the other
even as he struggled to escape. Somehow helping to loosen his jeans with every
struggling movement. "Mulder...wait," Methos protested.
"What?"
"I'd like to...make it good."
"Bite me and... I'm sorry. I just can't do this." McLeod lowered his partner to
the floor and stood up straightening his clothes. The man wore a trench coat like
he was born with it on. "It's just not the way love is meant to be."
Groans sounded all around the room. The man on the floor slapped at the other's
pant leg and moaned. "Damn your sensibilities, Highlander." Methos squirmed back
into his jeans. "This is the best audition we've gotten in weeks."
"We don't need this job. I'm holding out for the movie." His head bobbed regally
to the audience. "My apologies, Ladies."
"Those are women." Fox'sGal observed with a grimace. "And the costumes are all
messed up. Fox doesn't wear a leather skirt under his coat."
Dr Ruthless nodded. "Besides, don't they have jobs right now?"
"We're keeping our options open." The petite blonde in the belly- button
revealing outfit explained. "It's what we do... keep our options open and never
admit to an obvious relationship. Isn't that just perfect for Mulder and Krycek?
Besides, we really want to do Wild Justice. We've been practising."
"Yeah." Her impressively proportioned companion was playing with the handgun
she'd been issued. "Hey, can I have her weapons instead?" Xena reached down and
plucked away the knife Gabrielle had discovered in the lining of her leather
jacket.
"NEXT!" Tyler screamed.
"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" The Webmistress screamed at the top of her lungs
while standing on her desk.
The characters could barely be seen they were so small.
"Come Pinky, we must prepare for tomorrow night." The tiny white, Armani clad
mouse with a huge head announced gravely as he lead the way to the door.
Another rodent trailed behind, his miniature leather jacket falling off as he
ran. "Why, what're we gonna do tomorrow night, Brain?"
"The same thing we do every night, Pinky... see about corrupting the internet
and financing our plans to take over the world."
Tyler's head sagged, resting in her hands as Ayanna escorted the most recent
applicants out of the office. All about the room were various expressions of
shock, confusion and mild amusement. "I just can't." Tyler mumbled.
The men had preformed Bagatelle's Valentine Day admirably. The tickling had been
playfully done, the sex had been suitably hot but the Webmistress simply couldn't
believe she'd sat through the sequence.
"I used to watch Starsky and Hutch with my Dad." Someone commented aloud.
"Well, at least one of them got the leather jacket right." Bonita patted the
nearest of her distressed neighbours on the back soothingly. "Although that
sweater the other had on was well past it's expiry date."
"And we could put Huggy Bear in a power suit and red wig. It would work if he
walked on his knees."
"My childhood... " One of the women wailed.
"I suppose... " Ayanna, standing in the doorway with her clipboard, interrupted.
"That means you all don't want to see Richie Cunningham and Fonzie then?"
There was a sudden rush on the bathroom.
Physically the new specimens before the committee were attractive, gorgeous even,
but the more muscular of the two, who was trying out for the Mulder role,
couldn't seem to stop making adjustments to Arwena and Juxian's story.
"So, you miss me so much that you chase me all over the world? Is it love?" The
Krycek applicant growled out.
"Curiosity, rather." The actor's voice lacked the threat that usually underscored
most of Mulder's snarls. "I need some answers from you, thank you very much." He
offered up yet another charming smile to the woman behind the desk at the
improvisation. "It never hurts to be polite, you know."
The scruffy looking man with the experimental hair who'd introduced himself as
Ray sighed in indulgent annoyance but continued on with the scene. "I thought you
got them when we met the last time."
"Yes, I have as a matter of fact—but I've found some new questions since then."
The tall, handsome one made a move as he were about to tip his hat then realized
he wasn't wearing one.
"Carla Jane sent these one's over." Dr Ruthless explained as the door opened yet
again.
"She can type?" Isahunter inquired. "She's on this list? Are you sure?"
The Doctor made a scolding sound. "Be nice. I have to coddle the little wuss
until I get some twincest out of her. After that you're all welcome to hound her
for being such a lurker."
"In here... " Ayanna gave the younger man in the rear a little push to get him
all the way into the office. "Ladies, meet Mike Pinocchio and Tom Hobbes. They're
from that show that Chris Carter has been whining about the network cancelling."
"We've got a copy of 'First night'. Carla Jane gave it to us so the pages are all
crumpled and sweaty." Pinocchio flipped back the lapel of his trench coat to
reveal a ratty sweater and an army surplus wardrobe. He dug around in his
pockets. "She's a damned kinky woman."
"I've a couple of questions." Wide blue eyes blinked at the surrounding women as
Hobbes spoke up. "First of all there's the fact that this is an awful long story
for something that's basically a pwp. Do we get danger pay in situations like
this? Also I'm sure Mike has very nice feet and all, but we've been in the field
for a while without showers... and that part about sucking his big toe." The
young man winced.
"Shut up, Hobbes." Pinocchio whacked his partner on the back of the head with the
rolled up story he'd finally extracted.
"I've seen worse." Kest commented. "Can we mix and match?" She asked the
list-mommy. "Maybe bring that Methos guy back in and try him out with this
version of Mulder?"
"No fuckin' way." The scruffy looking mercenary objected. "I can't work with
anyone else. He's 'the one'."
"Well, thank you anyway, but Tom, it is Tom, right?" Tyler rubbed the crease
forming between her brow. "I'm afraid you're just too all-American looking to
pull this off, but thank you for coming out."
Pinocchio grabbed his partner by the sleeve and hauled him around. "Don't be
looking so relieved, Kid. Carla Jane's expecting a private performance of this
damned story regardless. She fucking loves this goddamn script and considering
how few writers we got interested in us I ain't about to piss her off. Not to
worry though. She said I could use her shower first."
"So help me God Ayanna, if that's the Skipper and Gilligan I hear out there I'm
gonna rip the skin off your back and make a purse out of it." Tyler threatened
the doorkeeper.
"I would never... " Ayanna protested innocently, then stuck her head out the door
and hissed. "Ratboy! Phyre! Grab those two. Throw them out the window. Now!" She
straightened up with a wide smile. "I've some old favourites." Ayanna crooked her
finger and coaxed the next pair of men into the room.
Assistant Director Skinner looked decidedly uncomfortable in black leather,
denim, and work boots as he tromped in. Jeffery Spender ghosted behind the bigger
man looking no less comfortable in a suit just a couple of sizes too big for him.
"There's been some kind of mistake." Tyler began diplomatically.
"No mistake." Skinner crossed immediately. "There's only a few shows left, then
what? You saw the part Carter gave me in the last movie."
There were a few sympathetic grimaces about the room.
"I've a copy of 'Genie in a bottle' and we've been practicing." He hooked his
head slightly in Jeffery's direction.
"I thought he was dead." Nocturne mentioned.
"Did you see the body?" Spender Jr asked defensively. "I've more of case than
that sap Pendrell and he still pops up occasionally. Jeez." His shoulders squared
attempting to fill the elegant suit better. "I can do this. I mean, hell, how
hard is it to act drunk and make a few leading remarks?"
"Well, 'Genie in a bottle' isn't exactly typical of the kind of work you'll get
from us, Jeffy." Dr Ruthless interrupted. "Oooo! I've got it. Somebody give him a
copy of Sebastian's 'Manhunt'." She suggested.
Tyler immediately produced the requested story from her right hand drawer. Her
copy looked suspiciously well-thumbed. "I'm the Webmistress. I read everything."
She defended as she tossed the manuscript over to Spender.
"Not that it makes any sense to me." AD Skinner was still mumbling to himself,
ignoring the activity around him. "I could give Fox a secure place to live. We
could have a garden with a white picket fence, a couple of poodles, good china to
eat off of... a nice life together." He looked down at the scuffed clothes he
had put on for the audition. "But what does Mulder go for? Fistfights and cheap
sex in abandoned buildings with a triple agent. Well fine, if that's what it
takes, I can adapt."
Most of the women were ignoring Skinner's complaints in favour of watching
Jeffrey's expression as he skimmed over the selection from the extreme kink
section of the organization. It only took a few moments for his eyes to grow
impossibly wide. "Uh Sir... "
"We could adopt a couple of kids, join the PTA, go on trips to the Grand canyon
and retire to Florida together when we get old."
Spender was now doing the impression of a landed tuna-fish. "Uh... Mr Skinner,
Sir. I think you should read this and rethink your decision."
"But he wants Krycek. I can do Krycek. There's nothing that cheap thug can do
that I can't handle." The heavy set bald man vowed just before his temporary
companion shoved the manuscript into his face. A heavy silence lay over the room
for several moments. "A dog?" Brown eyes lifted to survey the surrounding ladies.
"This story has a dog in it." His tone suggested he hadn't considered a hound as
anything other than a pet.
"That's the first selection in our 'let the chips fall where they may' section.
I'm quite proud of how Sebastian cared the concept off." Tyler smiled sweetly at
the look of horror on Skinner's face.
"You know what? I'm thinking that Scully might be willing to settle down... " The
AD shrugged out of the zipper covered jacket he'd wore into the room. "A nice
catholic girl like her. She's not likely to want to spend the rest of her life
alone." The garment dropped to the floor.
"Good choice." Isadora confirmed.
"But what about me?" Spender chased after his retreating ex- supervisor.
The sun was setting and Tyler was about ready to starting shooting if one more
unsuitable pair of characters walked through her door when a side panel on the
room slid over.
The action perked up the gathered members of the mailing list since only people
in the know were aware of the secret entrance to Tyler's office.
"Hey boss... " Alex Krycek slid through the crack as soon as it was wide enough
to allow admittance. He swept his smouldering green eyes over the assembled crowd
drawing coos of welcome from every corner. "I've been sorta keeping an eye on
what you've been doing today."
"Yes, well..." Tyler shuffled some papers on her desktop. "A few of them show a
lot promise."
"Fox and I have been talking." He glided closer and MJ immediately surrendered
her spot on the edge of the desk for him to use. "I suppose we have given you
just a bit too much lip these last few weeks. I know you're cranky from the
e-groups/one list thing and we we're a little out of line complaining about
things you couldn't control."
Tyler leaned back in her chair expectantly. "So?"
"Fox said to tell you he's really sorry. He can't 'come' himself right now, since
he's all tied up..." Krycek's smile was truly evil. "But he'll behave himself
now."
"And you, Alex?" The Listmaster prompted, hoping for an apology to help soothe
her nerves after the long day she'd had.
Krycek paced around the desk and squatted down so his face was lower than her's.
"I stopped by Ned and Leny's place for a photo op." He whispered softly, forcing
her to strain closer to hear him. "I got the results outside in the car. You
wanna see them." His lips drifted almost close enough to brush Tyler's.
"Oh yeah... Class dismissed. Everybody go home." Tyler's desk chair went flying
as she shoved it forcefully away.
...and they all lived happily ever after for about 20 minutes.
Casting Call
by Carla Jane
Attention: Paired actors of cancelled and soon to be discontinued shows The M/K
fight club is holding open auditions for one day only
