Initiatives by Black Coffee Part One "Alex! ALEX!" Alex stood on the grass outside the school building, his back against the entrance and his eyes on the football field straight ahead. It was a beautiful late April day, and the sun was setting behind the trees, still spreading enough warmth to make the wind warm and light. "ALEX!" On the third call of his name, Alex finally turned around and watched as Michael approached him, red-faced and panting. Reaching the dark-haired, young-looking boy, Michael gripped his shoulder in support as he tried to catch his breath. Alex looked his friend up and down in a query fashion. "You've been running?" Shooting him an evil look, Michael said between clenched teeth; "I've been calling you since the front doors, are you deaf or something?" Alex only smiled and turned his attention back to the football field. "Or something." His friend followed his eyes and sighed when he saw the figures of the school's pride and joy, the Georgefield's Bassethounds, also known as the football jocks, in training session. Watching the boys wearing shoulder pads, helmets and grim expressions doing push-ups under the relentless scrutiny of Coach Johnson, Michael wondered why anyone would willingly submit themselves to such torture. He himself was into music, and it was actually in the music-class choir that he had gotten to know Alex for the first time. Gotten to know him real well. "Which one?" he therefore asked his friend standing next to him, who in turned shadowed his eyes from the sun and said; "Number 17. Fox Mulder." Michael knew the name. Fox was a senior, had turned 18 a month ago, and belonged to what was considered the "in-crowd" at Georgefield High School. He was also very good-looking, and Michael could see how Alex managed to overlook the jock-strap and ugly class ring. "I see." He threw a quick glance at his friend's expression, trying to decide how strong the crush was, and sighed as he saw what was clearly visible there Alex face was positively beaming as he looked at the direction of the now running and jumping footballers. Michael thought they looked like cattle, but he held this comment to himself. This was clearly not the right time. Instead he gently touched Alex's shoulder and said; "Do you want a ride home? I called my mom and told her we had finished cleaning a little bit early." "Sure!" The handsome face was turned Michael's way, and the smile there made him mimic it with one on his own instantly. Alex could melt anyone with one of his smiles, as the past had showed, and sometimes Michael wondered if he wasn't too pretty even for his own good. Being as open and carefree as his friend was, Michael thought about all the people out there who would know how to take advantage of that. He cared a great deal about Alex, though not in any romantic kind of way, and the last thing he wanted to see was some guy come and hurt him. Alex, unaware of what Michael was thinking about, threw his arm around his friend and started walking towards the parking lot with him. "Finally!" he said. "The after-school-cleaning-job has paid off! Did you know that they practice every day at this time?" Michael just rolled his eyes at this. "Should I remind you to bring binoculars next time?" Alex grinned widely. "Actually, I'm thinking about joining the team." "Don't you dare. Besides, what good would it do? It's not like it's common practice to make out in the showers after every training session, if that's what you think." "How do you know? Have you ever been there to see for yourself? I bet they all get it on and fuck like rabbits in the locker room after every game." "Alex!" "An orgy of sweaty, horny jocks going down on each other on the locker room benches, spreading the towels over the floor, naked butts and hard cocks, all nestled up and entangled, the Coach walking in and clapping his hands; 'Good game boys, now who wants to be the first to suck daddy off...'" "God, Alex, stop! You're grossing me out!" At his friend's disgusted face, Alex laughed and went into an even bigger spin as he tightened his arm around his shoulders and forced his ear to his mouth "Then there's cum and sweat and steam everywhere, and everyone has fucked and been fucked, and..." The sound of Michael's mom honking her horn at them, and then yelling their names, broke Alex's story, much to the relief of his much disgusted , but still giggling, best friend. They both got a kiss from Michael's mom, and then started the drive home. Alex had known since he was 11 that he was more attracted to boys then girls. As with anything else, he had thought hard about it for two weeks, then accepted it and never anguished over it again. It wasn't a very big deal to him. It just was. He still remember telling his mother, also at 11, with the same determination that he always seemed to have when it came to his own wants and feelings. "Mom," he had said one day at the kitchen table, by the end of those two weeks. "I think I like boys. I know I don't like girls, not the same way that my school mates do anyway. And I don't think I ever will." His mom had looked up from her plate at him, searched his eyes for something Alex didn't know what it was, and then nodded a couple of times. "Ok, honey. That's ok. It's called being gay, and a lot of people are." She had reached over and patted his cheek. "What made you figure this out? Did something happen?" Alex frowned for a moment, thinking. "No," he said, shaking his head. "Is there someone you're interested in? Someone you like?" Again, Alex frowned. Did Chachi from "Happy Days" count? Probably not. "Not really," he said. His mom still touched his cheek gently. "Are you ok, hon?" "Yes." That conversation hadn't been the end of it, not by a long shot. Over the years, his mom had continued it by bringing home books on the subject, along with a number of articles, support hotlines ("Just in case you feel like talking to someone other than me, hon") and useful things she had picked up such as "I heard the son of so and so has a friend who is gay, why don't you give him a call" and "Do you know all you need about condoms and safe sex?" He had sometimes been embarrassed, but he also knew he should be happy his mother was who she was. So at sixteen he was a quite confident, but still rather inexperienced (a few kisses and some groping only) young man whose handsome face and lean body had the girls throwing longing glances his way, and who now was, for the first time in his life, seriously interested in someone. Fox. Fox Mulder. The name even tasted sweet as he let it roll over his lips, sitting in his room with a yearbook opened in front of him. Fox Mulder. Footballer. Eighteen. Dark-haired. He smiled. Alex and Michael were cleaning the benches in the gymnasium when the football guys came back in from practice. They paused for a moment, to look at them and then at each other. "Oh, hello Jocks," Michael cooed, elbowing Alex teasingly. "Oh, it's shower time. Can Alex join you?" "Sssch." It wasn't loud enough to be heard, luckily. Michael started doing a dead-on impression of a cheerleader routine, complete with a tilt of the head and pouting of the lips, and Alex couldn't help but laugh out loud. Several heads were turned their way, but Michael didn't care. He finished his little act with a gracious spin, arms out to his sides, only to trip on the bucket of water behind him and fall head-first into the row of benches below. Alex now almost screamed with laughter, and had to hold on to his broom to remain standing. As he finally managed to calm down and wipe the tears from his eyes, he noticed and caught the eyes of Fox Mulder, walking in among the jocks dressed in football gear, looking sweaty and gorgeous. Alex immediately froze on the spot, not caring that he was staring, not caring about all the other pair of eyes looking at him. His grip on the broom tightened, and he held his breath. Hazel eyes without any detectable emotions met green ones filled with unadulterated and completely open lust. Alex felt the familiar stirring in his groin begin. Then Fox broke the eye-contact. And disappeared into the locker room. Alex let his breath out in one long "phuuufffph", and his grip on the broom relaxed again. That's when he heard the whimper from the bench row below him (Oh, fuck, I forgot about him!), and he leaned forward until he could see Michael's pain-filled face. "You ok, man?" Michael managed a sarcastic smile as he rubbed a spot on his upper arm. "Peachy! Do you think I'll make cheerleader with that one?" "Naa, but I think the football coach was impressed by it, though." Michael winced as he grabbed a hold of Alex's outstretched hand and got to his feet. "Remind me to wear a jock strap the next time." He briefly checked his groin. "I didn't want kids anyway." Alex smiled, his mind still hovering over the picture of Fox Mulder coming in from a hard day's practice. "C'mon!" he said to Michael. "Let's get out of here before Coach Johnson comes back with the application form and a pen." They left the gymnasium together, Michael leaning on Alex for support, Alex throwing one last glance at the direction of the boys' locker room. Fox slowly changed out of his football gears and into his regular clothes. The buzz of shouts, laughter and water cascading down tile walls, became just a distant blur, as he lost himself deep in his own thoughts. What was that guy's name? Alex? Fox Mulder had just turned eighteen, and was about to finish his senior year at GHS as a straight A (except music class) student and, rather popular, he had to admit, football player, and he had never felt more miserable in his life. Never. He had no idea when it had started, but he knew that ever since he had began his last high school year, he had felt like there was something very important missing from his life, something that should be there, something he needed badly. But what? Wide, green eyes looking at him, soft dark hair falling down over them, framing them, making them look like... No! That was not the way he wanted his thoughts to go right now, not in public like this. That was what was wrong with him in the first place, what made him miserable from the beginning; unwanted thoughts entering his mind at the worst moments, like right now among twenty naked high school boys who would think he was...what? A faggot? Like the ones you saw on TV or threw popcorn at in the movie theatre, crossdressers and pantsies all of them. That wasn't him! Of course it wasn't! So why did he feel so...guilty? And why was that damn kid staring at him anyway? It wasn't the first time Fox had seen Alex. No, he had noticed him before, that was for sure. Something, God knows what, in the younger boy made Fox's eyes unwillingly draw to him, made him see him even before he was in view, made him want to... NO! It was time for him to stop these silly mindgames right now, before he would confuse himself even more with ridiculous images, and instead try to focus on the real problem; why he felt so out of it, so down, what was causing it, and then try to get himself back on track again. Right. Back on track. That was the goal. It shouldn't be so difficult. He just had to focus. Lunch time. Alex and Michael had decided to skip Chicken soup and Jell-O and instead walked the five blocks to where "Antonio's Pizza Place" was located, to buy two slices of "Antonio's pepperonios" and breadsticks. Since Michael couldn't decide if he wanted coke or sprite, Alex walked out ahead, clutching his lunch to his chest. It was hot outside. Too hot. Alex felt his hair gluing to his head in spikes, and he didn't even want to know how his feet would smell when he took off the sneakers. Waiting for Michael, he leaned against the hood of a car parked just outside, and opened his coke with a "fzzz" sound. Two girls he knew from music class went by, waving and smiling at him and then, when he waved and smiled back, starting to giggle and look at each other meaningly until they had disappeared into the restaurant. Alex felt a bit uneasy, but flattered, at the obvious attention they had given him, and he thought, not for the first time in his life, if the very fact that he just wasn't interested in them, in any of the girls, was what made them so attracted to him. At least that was the theory Michael had voiced at one point (and continued to jealously throw at him whenever the attention Alex was given annoyed him) and his friend had also told him that if being gay was what got the girls interested, then hewas now officially gay! That part, of course, was not true. But the first...well, Alex didn't really know how else to explain it, his popularity with girls. Sure he was somewhat good-looking, and would probably be even more so as he got a little bit older and a little less boyish, but so were a lot of the other guys at school. Guys who were into sports and were tough and had well-defined muscles on their arms and chest and...all other sort of things which Alex had duly noticed, admittedly for more reasons than just to compare. With a furrowing of his eye-brows and a sip of the soda, he decided that the attention from his female class mates were very nice, though it really didn't do anything for him, and that he should just feel flattered and leave it at that. Instead, his thoughts went to later that day, when he would be doing his shift as usual, wondering briefly if he would get yet another look at Fox in his football outfit...Fox coming in from the football field, dirty and sweaty and deliciously looking, and...A noise from behind him interrupted his thoughts, just as he had started to imagine Number 17 Fox Mulder getting ready to take an after-practice shower. And that's when he noticed that someone was actually sitting in the car he was leaning on, or rather was now getting out of it, and in the next moment he also saw who it was. Ooooh... Fox had opened the door to the driver's side and was now leaning against it, both elbows on top of the open door, sunglasses covering his eyes from Alex's gaze. He looked incredibly sexy. Must...not...stare... It was no use. Alex eyed the senior, wide-eyed and silent, and felt the sweat start to drip down his back, this time not entirely due to the sun. Fox looked back at him, although it was pretty hard to tell in what way because of the dark sunglasses hiding his expression, and for a second Alex thought his face was almost hostile. He swallowed. "S-sorry, I didn't mean to lean on your car." It sounded pathetic in his own ears, but it was all he could think of to say. Fox's face didn't change. "S'okay. I don't mind." His voice was low and soft, and to Alex it sounded just like sweet, dripping honey. Man, he must really be sold, if he was already quoting lines from cheap romance-novels! Swallowing again, he allowed his eyes to follow the lines of the vehicle. "Nice car." "Thanks." The other boy sounded bored, but Alex couldn't help but notice that his fingers were nervously playing with each other on top of the car door. Exactly what that meant, though, he had no idea. Having nothing else to say about the car (everything Alex knew about car-conversations had been fully exhausted with that one line) he instead looked down at the drink in his hand and then held it out towards the other boy as an offering. "Thirsty?" Fox nodded casually and reached out to except the offered can of soda. As he bent his neck and took a sip of the drink, Alex got a nice view of the long, pale throat. Voff! And then; Think of something else to say, try to keep him standing there, try to make him interested...do something, you wimp! And then, as Fox handed Alex back the coke with a "Thanks, man", three boys who Alex knew were on the football team, came out from "Antonio's" and walked over to where they were standing. They casually nodded at Alex, who nodded back while evilly picturing all three of them getting hit by an out-of-control truck, due to the fact that they had just spoilt his too-short alone-moment with Fox. And then the other boys were all inside the car and gone, Fox gone with them. Alex lowered his eyes to the can he held in his hand, following the rim with his thumb. Fox's lips had been there. Would he be able to taste him if he licked it right now? Or would he just get the metallic taste of the can? Well, either way, it was definitely worth a try! Driving away from the pizza restaurant with the other three boys in his seats, Fox's mind wandered back to the look on Alex's face as he had gotten out of the car, obviously surprising the junior. He really didn't have anything against Alex, he seemed nice enough although their conversations up until now had never gone beyond "hey, man" and the occasional "how's it going?", and yet Fox had felt something almost close to anger as he had seen that look again in Alex's eyes when noticing whose car he was leaning against. That look of surprise and...adoration. Why did he have to do that? Wasn't he worried that Fox would see it and think that he had a...crush on him or something? Most guys would kick his ass if they suspected something like that. Most guys would. But not me! Silently cursing himself, Fox hit the gas pedal and almost broke the speed limit driving back to school. Why did he have to do these things to himself? Wasn't it enough that he already felt depressed and miserable, why did these stupid fucking thoughts have to enter his mind every time he saw...every time he thought he was okay again, making him doubt himself like that? Seeing him makes you happy! Enough! He had to stop this, he had to! For his own sake. And he would! He would stop it. This was the time of the day that Alex loved most. It was seven o'clock in the evening, everybody had left the school building, and it made the usually lively halls and stairwells now empty and silent. Alex were scrubbing the floors of the basement level, a kind of spooky place rarely used apart from the odd school paper meetings and FHA gatherings. It was Alex's favorite place to clean, since it didn't even feel like part of the school, and allowed him to pretend he was someplace different, living a different life, without anything interrupting him. He had his walkman on with the volume turned all the way up, and was enthusiastically (and pretty much out-of-key) singing along, using his broom as a microphone and letting go completely. "I'm a genie in a bottle baby, you got to rub me the right way, ho-oney..." He had removed his shirt and tied it around his waist, wearing a plain white T-shirt underneath. On his feet he had on a pair of white socks, the shoes removed and kicked to the side along with his jacket. It was warm in the badly vented basement, and his dancing made the sweat break out on his skin, gluing the T-shirt to his back. All in all he made a dazzling sight, and even the wild dancing and bad singing did nothing to hide this fact from the one who stood on the bottom of the stairs leaning against the rail with his arms folded across his chest, watching the young man intensely. "I'm a genie in a bottle baby, come come come on and let me OUT." As the tune faded out and Alex calmed down, he heard the sound of someone slowly clapping his hands behind him. Realizing he was not alone, he spun around, cheeks already hot with embarrassment, and found himself staring into the amused eyes of Fox Mulder. "..." Everything Alex had planned to say to the intruder immediately left his mind and he just stood there, mouth half open, eyes wide with surprise. "So..." Fox said, looking as cool as if they were just old buddies that had met up in the street. "If your body's saying 'let's go', then why is your heart saying 'no'?" If Alex had been blushing before, he now looked like he might permanently change his face color into a deep, deep shade of red. He didn't know what to say, not because he had been caught singing and dancing in the school basement, but because he had been caught doing it by him. Fox left his position by the rail and came forward. The tall senior couldn't help a smile to break through his deliberately cool exterior, the pretty face in front of him looking too endearingly flushed not to. Fox thought it was a very amusing sight. His first thought as he had happened to see Alex prancing around with the broom was that he should leave, not to give him privacy, but because of the rush of feelings he unwontedly felt at the sight of the younger boy (to be completely honest, his very first thought had been schwi-ing!), and the immediate instinct of "let's not go there." But then he had decided to stay, only to prove to that little voice in his head just how wrong it was. And then he had caught himself, wondering why he had just thought about Alex as "pretty." Not to mention "endearing." Standing only a few inches apart, the two boys looked into each other's eyes for what to Alex seemed like an eternity. His heart was pounding so hard he wondered if there was a possibility he might die from Fox's close proximity. Death by hot jock's burning gaze. Alex almost burst out into a hysterical laughter, but managed to hold it in. Fox was again confused. He had intended on giving the embarrassed junior a good teasing for his ass-wiggling a minute ago, but as he met Alex's green eyes, practically beaming with unshielded emotions, he forgot everything he had been meaning to say. The boy in front of him was like an open book. In those eyes he could read everything and what he saw was... Oh God. Warning signals came on in Fox's head, making enough noise that his hearing was temporarily impaired, causing him to miss Alex's soft words. "Uhm...what...what did you say?" "I asked you if you want to go get a cup of coffee." The "Danger! Cliff ahead!" signs now started accompany the warning signals in Fox's brain. Don't say yes! he heard the voice in his head say. He has a crush on you, you know he does, you have known every since that day in the gym, don't say yes, don't say yes... The hostile look that Alex had seen outside the pizza place the other day came over Fox's face again. Alex sighed, shook his head and took a step back. "Sorry, I shouldn't have asked...I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable...I won't bother you any more..." Everything he said felt like tired cliches, and he didn't even know for sure what he was apologizing for. Or if he was truly sorry, for that matter. Fuck him! I did try at least... He turned to walk away when Fox stopped him. "Wait!" And Alex waited, head still turned away. Fox licked his lips and tried to say something, anything, to sooth the awkward moment and not let Alex leave with that shattering embarrassed look on his face. Anything to stop him from leaving. "We can't...I mean, what...what about your..." He waved his hand, indicating the floor they were in. Alex quickly tossed the broom over toward the bucket and shrugged. "I'm done. Wanna go, then?" Might as well go all the way, put it all on the line... Fox opened his mouth to decline, to say "sorry, some other time perhaps" in the nicest possible way, not wanting huge green eyes to get that sad look in them again, but some hidden part of his mind had totally different plans and, to his own complete surprise, an "O-okay...sure," came out instead. Fuck! Alex sensed the struggle and decided not to push his luck any further, but just go with it. He draped the jacket over his arm, and swiftly put his shoes back on. His smile was so wide it threatened to reach the back of his neck. "Let's go then!" Alex had promised himself that no matter what happened that night, he would remain cool, calm and collected, acting like the mature, confident person he thought Fox would go for. But he was just failing miserably at this, and he knew it. Ever since the fact that he was going to have coffee (almost like a...date!) with Fox Mulder had sunk in, he had been practically beaming with happiness, looking for all the world like someone who just couldn't believe his luck. They got into Fox's car, and headed towards a place a bit outside of town, on Alex's suggestion. He tried to convince himself that it was because of their great muffins, which he described to Fox in lot's of strong-letter words, but the real reason was that he didn't want them to run into anyone who knew them, particularly not any jock buddies of Fox's. He talked the whole way over there, anything to keep the silence away, while Fox looked on the road ahead, only occasionally bringing something to the conversation. The senior was nervously smiling and generally making Alex feel like he was taking him to have his wisdom tooth removed, not going for a nice coffee. That, along with Alex's own rush of excitement and the pounding feeling of his blood going, clearly, southwards every time he glanced over at Fox, only added to the junior's nervousness and made him blabber on just to at least try hiding that last part from the guy beside him in the car. He hoped Fox would come out of his silent mood once they were sitting in the cafe, because he wasn't sure how long he could keep up the one-sided chatter. As for Fox, who rather quickly picked up on the exact things Alex desperately tried to keep from him, all means of conversation seemed to drain from him as he silently cursed to himself. He had the distinct feeling this wasn't going to be just an ordinary hanging-out-and-talking buddy-to-buddy sort of thing. Just the blush on Alex's face every time he looked over at his side, was enough to give that away. The air in the car seemed thick and heavy. What the hell am I doing? No good answer seemed to come to him. Once they reached the small cafe, they parked and went inside. The first thing Fox thought as he got his order from the waitress was that Alex had been right about the muffins, and he delivered his approval to the younger man who looked like he might burst with pride from this simple compliment. If he had had a tail, Fox was sure it would be wagging furiously by now. The second thing he thought, after they had been there a while, was that he actually enjoyed being with Alex, and it was with a mild surprise that he admitted it to himself. Apart from Alex's apparent admiration for him, the whole thing didn't actually feel too uncomfortable, and after some adjustment time of uneasiness and fumbling for things to talk about, the two of them started finding some common grounds, sharing school experiences and chatting about people they both knew. At one occasion, the subject came upon girls, and a certain uneasiness spread over the table. Alex asked Fox about his last girlfriend, a girl in the senior class called Lisa whom Alex had always thought seemed really nice, and Fox admitted that she had been the one to break up with him. "Do you know why?" Alex asked carefully. "No. Well, she said that I...she...didn't think I was ready to be in a committed relationship." He made a face, scrunching up his nose. Alex suddenly felt his concentration waving a bit. "Do you miss her?" "No. Not really. We're still friends. It's better that way." Fox let his fingers trace the rim of his cup. Alex couldn’t help but stare at them. "Beside," the senior continued, trying to insert a light tone into his voice. "Someone else will come along, you know." His lips curved upwards in a faint smile and for a second Alex had to actively hold himself down to resist from crawling over the table that separated them and give it a wet and sloppy kiss. He forced himself back to the conversation. "Yeah," he agreed. "There is always something better, right?" Alex nodded, not sure exactly what Fox had just said. What he was sure of, however, was that he didn't think he could stand this slow torture any more, and that he should call it a night before he said something to completely scare Fox off. "It's late," he said therefore. "Maybe we should..." "What about you?" Alex stopped mid-sentence at Fox's question. Looking across the table, it seemed that the senior suddenly found his napkin to be a very interesting piece of object. "What about me?" Watching the hands -such gorgeous hands- twist and pull the napkin into small pieces, he waited for the expected question. "Do you have a girlfriend?" For a second, Alex considered responding with a "Oh yeah, more than I can count on both hands, what the hell do you think my looks and smiles the last hour has been all about?" but came to his senses and simply said; "No, I don't." "Why not? Looking like you do, I thought for sure you..." Fox's voice trailed of as he realized what he had said. Alex tried to catch his eyes, but failed. "How do I look?" he asked instead, watching Fox flinch and nervously start twisting the napkin even more furiously. "Well, I just thought...you're, you know..." His expression went from twitchy to nervous to panicked, as he looked down at the table, over Alex's shoulder and generally everywhere but at him. "It's just that you have some, like, I don't know..." Finally he seemed to give in, as he raised his head and looked straight at Alex, hazel eyes wide and confused. "You're beautiful, Alex." They stared at each other, Alex's throat suddenly too dry for him to say anything. Then Fox looked away, rose and threw a couple of bucks on the table. "It's late, as you said, and we should go. I'll drive you home." Alex rose as well. "Ok." When Fox had dropped him off at his house, Alex took a couple of minutes to stand on the street, head thrown back, staring up into the dark sky, breathing in the fresh night air. Feeling alive. Then a shiver went through him, and he pulled the jacket closer around him and turned to walk into the house. As he entered, he heard his mother's voice from the living room. "You're late." "Yes." She came out into the hall, wearing her frock and hair standing out in every direction, and looked him up and down. "I waited up." "Sorry. I should have called." "Who was the boy who dropped you off." "Just a guy from school." "Alex..." "Goodnight, mom." "Alex..." "Not yet, mom. Not yet." The following day Alex and Michael was sitting on the grass outside the school building, their backs against the warm stone wall, and their faces turned upwards to catch the sun. They had just had lunch, and were waiting for music class to start. After a long moment of comfortable silence, Alex felt a nudge in his side and half turned his head towards Michael, hands shading his eyes. "What?" "Guess who's got a date for the prom." Alex turned all the way, a huge smile breaking out on his face. "Yeah? You got a date? Who is it?" "Melanie. She asked me." "That's great!" "We're going to the lake afterwards." "You dog!" Michael grinned, and shook his head at his friend. "It's not like that. A group of people are going, both juniors and seniors. You are welcome to come with us." He said the last bit carefully, not intending to hurt his friend's feelings by just assuming he would go to prom by himself, but not wanting him to feel uninvited either. "Mel don't mind. She likes you." Alex nodded, knowing Michael meant well. "Thanks, pal. I might meet you there, so you'll have the car ride to yourselves at least..." Michael turned serious. "It's not a problem, I promise. I know you don't have a car..." "I'll get there somehow!" Alex's smile was back. "Don't worry about poor, lonely me..." "You know, you could have your pick of dates if you wanted to. I know of at least four girls who have asked me if you have anyone to go with yet." But Alex didn't want to go with any of them, and Michael knew that. He also knew that Fox Mulder was going with Lisa Anderson, although they were officially not a couple anymore. They were going as friends. It was still better then going date-less, at least that's what Fox must have thought when he asked her. What she had thought when she said yes, one could only guess. She had broken up with him, not the other way around, but she had still accepted. Michael knew what the gossip around school said. Alex must know too. The dark-haired, green-eyed friend sitting beside him, looking even younger that his age, stared into the distance, offering no reply, and effectively stopping Michael's attempt at pushing this issue. He would go alone. And that was just that. But it would still be lonely... Sighing, he went back to sunbathing in silence. After 20 minutes the bell rang. The rest of the day, Alex only caught small glimpses of Fox, and had the distinct impression that the older boy was avoiding him. He wanted nothing more than to talk to him, to see if their coffee-date had impressed the senior at all, and to find out where they were now standing. The real reason was of course, that he couldn't bear going a whole day without seeing the older boy. Alex caught Fox by the end of the last hour, cornering him in the computer room, which was now empty. Having managed to elude him all day, Fox gave up trying to hide and let Alex close the door to give them some privacy, and then guide him to sit on a chair opposite him. "You have been avoiding me." Alex's voice sounded accusing, and Fox felt himself blush. Why did he do that? This was only a little (but pretty) junior who he had just taken out for some coffee the other day (and told he was beautiful), nothing more, nothing less, no reason for him to get all clingy and demanding (and did anyone mention pretty). But Fox knew there was a lot more to the whole thing than he was willing to admit, ever, and he knew that Alex saw it too. Why else would he sit opposite him now in an empty room, biting his lip, clearly searching for a place to start? Reaching out and putting his hand on the younger boy's arm, he watched Alex look up and blink at him in surprise. Fox blinked back. "I'm sorry." The words were sincere and Alex nodded, not quite understanding what they were for, but feeling better hearing them. "Ok." "I haven't been hiding from you, I have just been...thinking." "It's ok." "No, listen, I...I have thought about last night and frankly I am a little confused at what...why you..." "You think I was coming on to you last night." Alex knew he was being subtle, but saw no point in hiding his feelings. Other than the possibility that he could get his heart broken and viciously stomped on, of course. He saw Fox try to collect his own thoughts, trying to come up with what he wanted to say. "I...I..." A deep frown. "I think you..." Rubbing his nose now. "I think you...are coming on to me, yeah." He said it wary, as if not sure whether he was right or not. The change in tenses didn't go unnoticed by Alex. The air around them was heavy and thick, and when they looked at each other both their faces showed unmistakably signs of misery, both of them having their own reason to fear the outcome of the conversation. Alex tried to make his voice sound blank. "Does that disgust you?" Fox seemed to flinch. "Disgust? No! I mean...I don't have anything against you, Alex, and last night...it was..." He searched for the right words. "...it was really nice." As Fox looked into those huge green eyes, they lit up and started to beam at him, enthralling him by their openness and sending something that could only be described as a tingle down his spine. And that's when they both heard the noise from the closed door. It was a loud click, like something locking itself in position, like... "Damn! The door!" They both reached it at the same time, yanking the doorknob, but to no avail. It was locked. For the night. The two boys stared at the unbudging door. "Fuck! I shouldn't have closed the door, I'm so sorry, it's on a timer because of the computers and now we won't be able to get out until tomorrow morning!" Alex looked truly miserable, and Fox suddenly felt himself overcome by laughter. Hysterical laughter, to be honest. Unstoppable. Alex's face took on a confused -and a little worried- look when seeing the other boy keel over in amusement. "Eh...Fox? Maybe you didn't hear me; we are locked in for the night. We can't..." "...get out, I heard you! That's what's so funny!" He laughed again, and in about a minute or so continued; "Man, you must really want me alone in the dark if you go to such lengths as to lock me into the computer room!" Fox giggled. Now Alex caught on, and he made a nervous giggling sound. "Man, I swear I didn't realize...and I should have, I spend enough time in school after the day's over..." "Yeah, how about doing one of your famous little dances right now?" Fox teased and then ducked as Alex tried to elbow him. "You keep that particular little secret to yourself or I'll make you regret it!" "Oh, that's your plan? To kill me and then eat me?" "It's been my plan to eat you since I first saw you!" They both stopped and stood still, staring at each other. Alex winced and brought his hand up to cover his eyes. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Fox sighed, all laughter gone from him now. He sank down on the floor, with the wall at his back for support. "It's ok. I'm not mad." Why am I not mad? he thought to himself. I should be mad. Alex sat down beside him, also leaning his back against the wall. "I still shouldn't have..." "I told you, it's ok." Is it? They both sat in silence for a long time, Fox in his own thoughts, and Alex still too afraid to look at him. He's going to turn on me, he's going to tell me to get the hell away from him, he's gonna tell me to piss off... "Alex?" He's going to call me a bad name, he's going to hit me, he's going to...< "What's it like?" Huh? "Huh?" "What's it like to kiss another guy?" Alex turned to search the other's face, but Fox was staring stubbornly ahead, refusing to meet his eyes. "Uhm...it's...it's..." What the fuck am I suppose to say? "...it's really nice." "Oh." The voice was neutral, revealing nothing, but still it made Alex braver. "It's soft and rough at the same time. It's sweet and...electrifying. Why do you ask?" "No reason." "Do you want me to show you?" This time Fox really did mean to hit him, to turn around and punch his fist into the smaller boy's stomach, but one look on that open, understanding face beside him and all desire to beat him up just went out of him like air from a balloon. After a long silence, Fox cleared his throat. "When...when did you know?" An image of himself as 11 came to Alex, sitting in front of the TV, watching "Happy Days" with a million questions swiveling in his head. "I was about eleven, but I think I might have suspected it before that." "Oh." "I told my mother and since she accepted it, I did too." "My parents wouldn't accept it." Hearing, but deciding to ignore, the implications of Fox's roughly spoken sentence, Alex quietly said; "I still would have even if she didn't." "Oh." He sighed. There was another long silence. Until Fox, once again, broke it. "Uhm...Alex...have you...are you a...have you ever?" Alex drew back a bit and met his questioning eyes. He sighed. "No. Not really. Have you?" "Are you kidding?" "I mean with a girl, Fox." "Oh." His voice calmed down again. "Then yes. I guess. With Lisa." "And how was it? Was it nice?" Fox frowned at this. Yes, it had been nice, but for some reason any stronger words than nice (such as amazing, wonderful, passionate or incredible) didn't feel right to describe it. He liked Lisa, a lot, and when she had broken up with him he had felt...felt... She knew. And that's the moment when it all hit him. With force. He threw his head back against the wall with a loud, satisfying bang, and covered his face in his hands, hiding from Alex, hiding from the room they were in, hiding from his own disgust, the resurfaced self hatred that suddenly filled him. "Shit!" Fuck! Alex was by his side in a heartbeat, not seeing the flash of anger in Fox's eyes, worry showing in all his features. "Fox, what is wrong?" You are, you fucking bastard! Look what you've done to me! "This! This is what is wrong!" He still didn't take his hands from his face. "She knew. She understood what...what was wrong with me!" Your fault, you cock-sucking bastard... Was he directing these thoughts at >Alex or at himself? He didn't know. "Nothing is wrong with you, Fox," Alex said softly, stroking Fox's hair gently. Although unspoken, it was obvious to both of them what Fox was talking about. The implication was clear, had been for a long time, to both of them. Fox drew slightly back from his touch. "She knew I couldn't commit to her, and she knew why. She all but told me when she broke up with me. But I wouldn't listen. Couldn't listen. How did she know?" Cock-sucking, ass-fucking little piece of fucking shit. Now he finally looked up at Alex, eyes filled with anger, but at the same time looking so vulnerable that Alex ached to hold him. But he waited. "Fox," he said soothing. "You don't know if...I mean, some people have no preferences, they just fall in love with...people. And if you've been with a girl once before then maybe you will..." "No!" The statement was hard and roughly spoken, underlined by Fox's suddenly determined face. "I won't." "Why not?" Your fault! Fox leaned forward, hot breath against Alex's ear, hands fumbling for his support, eye-lashes touching his cheek. "Because of you, you little fuck." Then he drew back, a bit, and stared hard and accusingly into Alex's eyes, which were now showing confusion. The younger boy opened his mouth to say something, but before he had any chance to react, Fox had grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him up off the floor, up against one of the nearby tables, wedging the smaller boy painfully between the hard computer screen and his body. His equally hard body. He heard Alex gasped. And then, he sort of lost it. An enormous surge of excitement went through Fox as he ground his groin against the trapped boy, and he moaned aloud as he felt Alex's slim body forcefully being slammed back against the table by his shoves. It gave him an immediate sense of control and power which he couldn't remember ever having felt before. Images filled his head, overwhelming him. Images of himself, laying in his bed jerking off to the mental picture of the dark-haired, green-eyed junior, who he now had here in this room, at his mercy, and then the images of himself burying his head into his pillow in shame and disgust, crying himself to sleep. But this was different. This time he could take it out on somebody other than himself. Finally. He thrust against the body beneath his again. Hard. And again. Harder. "Yeah, this is what you want isn't it? This is what you have wanted all the time and now I'm gonna fucking give it to you, so just fucking take it...!" A stream of words left his mouth, none of them coherent, none of them spoken above a whisper. It felt so good to give some of that anger and hurt back, to direct it away from himself, for just a brief moment. Let's see how he likes it, shall we... Alex tossed his head and bit his lower lip as Fox's thrusts threw his back repeatedly into the sharp edge of the table behind him. He tried to get away, but the grip on his shoulders was too strong. Fox had, after all, played varsity football throughout high school, whereas Alex had spent his time sitting in music class, learning notes and accords. The odds were, frankly, uneven. He didn't know what had caused this, this sudden anger and resentment in Fox's eyes and the now rather painful assault on his body. As the senior's thrusts started to come faster and faster, the cock against his groin growing harder and harder, and Alex's eyes began to fill up with tears, he wondered if it wasn't all his own fault. If he had pushed too hard. He had given himself away, that was for sure, and, to be fair, hadn't he practically begged the older boy to do something like this to him? It was him. He was to blame. He shouldn't have let Fox know how he felt about him. He was the guilty one. A whimper of pain and fear which he couldn't contain, escaped him. Fox was hurting him like hell right now. Staring into the anguished face below him, Fox increased the speed of his thrusts, and let a hand come up behind Alex's head to fist his soft hair and tug at it in rhythm to his shoves and to Alex's now small sobs. The green eyes that were so close to his own were now huge and starting to well up with tears, and looking into them Fox felt the first rush of regret come over him. What was he doing? This was Alex, the one who he had been talking to and laughing with only a few minutes ago. He couldn't blame Alex for his own pain. He hadn't done anything wrong. And it certainly wasn't his fault that Fox was a disgusting pervert who jerked off to mental pictures of guys, and who was now forcing himself on one, harshly bumping and grinding his way to an overwhelmingly powerful orgasm. Not his fault. Here it comes. Now. Alex felt Fox tense up and throw his head back as he shuddered and came, gasping Alex's name in the process. The tight grip on him loosened, and he wriggled his way out from underneath the other's body, this time meeting no resistance. Stumbling towards and reaching the wall on the other side of the room, his knees suddenly weakened and he collapsed on the floor, leaning his back against the wall and covering his face in the crook of his elbows. All the while without making even one sound. Fox came down from his high in a matter of seconds, and the shame he felt was almost mind-numbing as he looked at the small, shivering figure over by the wall. He then looked down on himself and closed his eyes. The most amazing orgasm of his life, and he was still in his pants and underwear. And he had hurt someone. "Alex." The name sounded across the room, but got no reply. "Alex, God, I'm so sorry!" Alex sat still. Maybe if he didn't move, he wouldn't have to see that look of hate and disgust in Fox's eyes again, and then maybe he could pretend that this had never happened. He had gotten his punishment all right. Yes, after having carelessly blurted out his feelings like that, he had gotten all the answer he needed to know exactly what Fox thought about it. That...that humping against the table just now hadn't been an act of want, or need. It had been an act of anger. Of disgust. No matter how hard Fox had come at the end. Fox hated him. Alex felt like his heart had shattered into a million pieces. Don't look at me. Please. He felt a presence beside him, and knew that Fox had sat down next to him. A hand came out and tentatively touched his arm. "Alex." "Go away." "God, Alex, I...are you ok?" No. "Yes." "Alex, please look at me." "I-I can't." Fox tugged his arm more insistently. "Why not?" He expected an outburst of anger, maybe even a violent attack, a fist in his face, all of which he knew he was well deserved of right now, but instead the words coming from the boy with his head still buried, surprised him beyond speech. "I'm sorry, Fox!" A moment of stunned silence followed, as those last words made it into Fox's brain. Alex was apologizing! To him! "What do you mean, Alex? I hurt you. I should be sorry, not you!" Fox cringed. It sounded so weak and pathetic in the light of what he had done, but it was the only thing he could think about to say. Finally, a pair of wide, red-stained eyes came up to look at him. Straight at him. "I came on to you, I made you angry, and I pushed you to do it. I'm sorry." The voice was monotone but the words were sincere. To Fox it felt like someone had slapped him across the face. In an instant, the shame he felt peeked to a new level of intensity with that painful confession spoken from slightly trembling lips. He blinked. "Alex, you didn't push me...well, maybe you did but not because...I mean, I...I can't believe I did that to you but I...I don't know...I think I couldn't...you make me confused. And that made me angry." "I'm sorry." Same monotone voice. "No!" Fox didn't know what to say. There really was no excuse for what he had done. The young boy had trusted him with his feelings, telling him his secret, and this was how he had rewarded him. With his own anger and insecurity. "Listen! I am so sorry, Alex, I think I have wanted you for so long and then I freaked and got mad and I am so sorry for it!" Alex's eyes now took on a new look, one of wonder, and of confusion. "Y-you wanted me?" Fox shook his head, a flash of pain in his eyes at the younger boy's softly asked question, and all the implications it brought with it. God, how did he get so messed up? "No. Yes. I...I don't know." The closed look on Alex faced returned again. "You don't know?" "No." Then suddenly he covered his face in his hands and began a series of held-back sobbing. He couldn't help it, he just let it go. He had lost it before. He was still losing it. For a couple of long moments, Alex sat still, looking at Fox's trembling form, wondering what was going on his mind, thinking about what he had said. He was afraid to make even the slightest move, in case it would bring Fox's anger back again and make him violent, again. And then, decidedly, he just dropped his hesitance and let an arm slip around Fox's shaking back, pulling him into his arms. Stroking him. Trying all he could to sooth him. It was if that violent assault that had just taken place had been coming from someone else, from another Fox, and not the one laying shaking in his arms right now, crying because his whole world had just collapsed. Alex wasn't going to let this Fox suffer alone. If he could help him, he would. Because this Fox was the one he was in love with. He was in love with this Fox. He no longer felt afraid. This Fox wouldn't hurt him. This Fox was hurting himself. Alex suddenly realized that, football practice aside, that out of the two of them, he was now the strong one. After a good half hour or so, Alex didn't really keep time, the sobs started to slow down and fade away. Soon Fox was just sitting with his head buried in Alex's neck, only the occasional sniffle being heard now. Alex couldn't help but smile faintly. "Better?" Slight movement against him, hot breath on his neck. "A little." Fox turned his head all the way up, and Alex found himself looking straight into hazel brown eyes, all moist and puffy. "Alex," he said. "I am sorry." Alex nodded. "I know." They were silent again. Then Fox sighed, turned and leaned forward until his head lay cradled in Alex's lap. Alex started stroking the soft hair, closing his eyes, dwelling in the incredible feeling for a while. Then he ran his hand down Fox's neck, over his shoulder, grabbing his hand and entwining their fingers. Crazy as it was, he suddenly felt glad for what had happened between them. I must be out of my mind! Oh but it feels good! "Go to sleep, Fox," he whispered. "It'll be a couple of hours before the janitor comes and lets us out." A puff of warm air on his arm was all he got in response. Fox was already asleep. They were let out of the room that next morning, looking sheepishly at the surprised janitor who found them. Being immediately wrapped up in the process of calling home to worried parents and tell them they were still alive, they didn't get much time to talk about what had happened between them. In the cold light of the day, Alex didn't even know if Fox wanted to talk about it. Or if he just wanted to forget. His mother came to pick him up, give him a tight hug and drive him home. As he entered the kitchen and sat down to eat the big breakfast she had hurriedly made for him, he felt how exhausted he was. "I think I'll skip school today." His mom nodded her head. "If you haven't slept all night then you should stay home. Just have some breakfast and then go to bed." She sat down with him and drank her coffee, watching while he filled his stomach with toast and egg and yogurt and orange juice. Finally, he felt satisfied, and pushed the plate away. "Mom?" "Yes, Lexei?" "How do you know when you're in love?" He felt himself blush furiously. His mom just looked at him for a few moments, apparently not prepared for that question. "Uhm...I guess...you just know it. Why, honey?" He shrugged. "No reason." "Are you in love with someone?" "No! I don't know." "Is it that boy you were with tonight? The one who dropped you off the other day?" He just shrugged again, feeling slightly embarrassed. He wondered what his mom would do if she found out what had really happened last night. Probably kill Fox, which, he supposed, would be a justified thing to do. But what >had really happened last night? The thing was, he wasn't sure himself. His mom reach forward and stroked his cheek, the way she had done to comfort him all his life, ever since he could remember. Slow, gentle, reassuring strokes. Loving. "You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. But if you ask me, I'd say that yes, you're probably in love. Now go to bed." Yawning, and stretching, he nodded and left the table. He was glad he didn't have to go to school that day. He wasn't sure he would be able to deal with seeing Fox so soon after what had happened. Not if there would be any sort of rejection involved. Around seven in the evening, the front door bell rang. Since Alex was temporarily alone, his mother was at the drugstore, he went to answer it, thinking it would be the neighbor. Fox Mulder stood on the door step. Looking like he wished himself a hundred miles away. Looking absolutely fantastic. Alex stared at him for a second, then let him come inside. He showed him the living room couch and went to get two cans of coke out of the fridge. Taking several minutes and just as many harshly uttered profanities just to get the bottles opened, he paused for just a second, leaning heavily on the counter, feeling his heart race in his chest. What the hell is he doing to me, and how does he do it? When he came back into the room, Fox was, still in his jacket and baseball cap, sitting stiffly on the edge of the couch, back tense and straight as an arrow, as if he thought the couch was a nuclear warhead, destined to go off if he made the slightest move. Like breathed. Alex sat down on the chair opposite the couch, noting how sweaty his palms were. Was this the time for rejection? He's still afraid of me, still afraid of his feelings for me. Was that >true? Or was it anger, renewed, that made Fox grip his own knees so that >his knuckles whitened? Alex didn't know. "I'm sorry for showing up here without calling first." Fox voice was low and, actually, quite friendly. Handing him the soda, Alex shook his head. "No problem." "Alex, I..." The words seemed to leave him, and he resumed to just shake his head and continue to look miserable. Alex scooted closer. "What?" Fox took one deep breath, then finally spoke; "I want to say that I'm sorry for last night, for saying all those things, and...attacking you like I did." Now Alex couldn't stop himself from reaching out and gently lay a hand on Fox's. "You already did, apologize I mean. It's ok." And then he added, on impulse; "I still want you, if you were wondering. I get the feeling you need to hear that. Am I right?" He was almost as surprised himself to find out that it was the truth. He wanted Fox. That incident in the computer room had not destroyed it, only made it more complicated in a way. Giving him more to think about. And now he was able to read Fox better. Read his signs. Understand his fears. Know that he wanted him too. Fox stared at him, hard, and then looked down at his hands in his lap. "Alex, what I said...I don't know if...I want to just..." Patiently, Alex waited for him to finish the sentence, feeling tingles of cold sweat on his back. This was the moment of truth, it seemed. "Alex, I...I need some time to think, ok? I need to think about all this before I can...before we...but I'm still sorry, and I still want to...damn, I feel like the biggest jerk in history!" Immediately Alex wanted to comfort him, but held himself back. Time to think. Okay. That's cool. "It's ok, Fox. You take your time. I won't pressure you or anything." Fox seemed content with this, and nodded in relief. He rose to walk towards the door. Alex rose too, and for a moment they stood facing each other, only inches apart, looking at each other as if rediscovering the other person again. He sees me! Alex thought, and felt something warm starting to buzz in his stomach. Fox reached out a tentative hand and touched Alex's bottom lip. The gesture itself was simple, but made Alex feel all light-headed and dizzy. Woaw Fox quickly drew his hand back, ducked his head and said a short, but warm; "See you tomorrow in school." And then he was gone. Alex sat on the couch, touching his lip, until he heard his mother's car pull up into the driveway, and her steps approaching the door. Then he stood and went to help her with the groceries. It took Lisa three signals to answer the door, mainly because she was in the middle of cooking spaghetti and meatballs for herself and her younger sisters. Drying her hands on her apron and stroking back her, by now, rather greasy-smelling hair, she opened the front door to find Fox Mulder standing outside. "Fox?" The tall boy on the front step smiled at her, but it was a sad smile. "Can I come in?" "Of course!" She opened the door wide and let him inside. "Mom and dad are at the movies and me and the twins were just going to have dinner. Do you want to join us?" He shook his head even before she had finished. "No, thank you, I just wanted to...I want to ask you about..." His voice trailed of and she felt herself starting to feel a little anxious. Something seemed to be wrong. "Fox, what's the matter? Why are you not..." "Why did you break up with me?" She flinched at the sudden question, and looked a little closer at him. It was a face she knew well (having spent the good part of high school learning to read it) and right now what she read in it was that her first assumption about his state of mind had been wrong. He wasn't sad. He was angry. And confused. "I told you why," she said as gently as she could. "We decided it was for the best." He shook his head. "No, we didn't! I didn't think it was for the best. I didn't understand..." "Fox!" Hazel eyes met hers. "Come into the kitchen." But he still refused. "Tell me why you broke up with me! Seeing that she would get nowhere with him in this state, Lisa searched his face one more time, took a deep breath, and said in a low voice; "You know why, Fox. I broke up with you because you weren't in love with me." Ashamed (knowing?) look on his face now. "Lisa..." "It's ok, Fox. I loved you, but I'm ok with it now. I want you to be happy, and I know you wouldn't be with me." "Why?" "I'm your friend Fox." "Why didn't you think I would be happy with you?" She braced herself for what she was about to say. She had to say it. He needed to hear it. "Because you wouldn't be happy with a girl, Fox. Not with any girl." Stunned face in front of her. Shocked look in his eyes. But underneath it there was the knowledge again. She continued. She had to. "You don't like girls at all, not in that way. And you have to realize that if you are ever going to be truly happy, with anyone, in your life." And there it was. That's what he had come there to hear; the words he had been waiting for. Fox Mulder was 18 years old and no one had ever wanted to tell him the truth, to acknowledge it, except for her. Except for her and Alex. Alex. A gentle hand lay on his arm now. Lisa took a step backwards, toward the kitchen, dragging him with her. "Come in the kitchen, Fox!" she said. "Have dinner with us, please. Eat some pasta and meatballs with me and the girls! We're having pie for desert." While she continued to speak, she dragged him all the way into the other room, and he finally stopped trying to resist her. The familiar atmosphere of having dinner at Lisa's house, felt like something he could really need right now. Something safe. Something that felt like home. Having a nice, friendly conversation over some food, joking and teasing with Lisa's younger sisters, who both adored him, pretending his whole world hadn't just turned upside down in an blink of an eye. And then, maybe, some more talking. Over some coffee, after the girls had gone to bed. Until Lisa's parents came back and he had to go. Just until then. Something safe. When Alex opened his locker as he came to school the next morning, a note fell out. Taking it up and unfolding it, he read the neatly printed words on it with increasing excitement. Michael, who noticed his sudden change, looked curiously at him. "What?" Without a word, Alex showed him the note. It contained six words. Done thinking. Parking lot. Lunch time. F. Michael met his friends happy eyes, and couldn't suppress a smile of his own. He squeezed Alex's hand and whispered; "Go for it, Lexei!" When the bell for lunch rang, Alex was on his feet and running in less then one second. He crossed the grass outside the building and reached the parking lot's far end corner by the time Fox's car slid up to it. Leaning over, he rolled down the window and said shortly; "Get in!" Alex did as he was told, gliding down the passenger seat, securing his seat belt, and turning towards the young man driving. "Where to?" Fox's voice was a grin. "You'll see." He took them to the café outside of town, where they had been that first evening (had it only been a few days ago?) and the coffee and muffins were just as good as last time. This time, though, they took the muffins to go, and walked back out to the car. Happily munching, Alex threw an appreciating glance over at Fox. "I like your initiatives. It's good to follow your impulses." Fox grinned back. "Actually I am having one now." "What?" "An impulse. Get in and I'll show you." As Alex got in the car and shut the door, Fox's arm grabbed him already before he was fully seated and drew him into an open-mouth kiss. Perhaps it shouldn't have but it caught Alex by complete surprise, and he tensed for a moment. Fox felt it and started to draw back, thinking he had scared Alex again, that he had reminded him of the assault the other night, but before he could Alex had grabbed the hem of his shirt and was now wordlessly pulling him forward, locking their lips together again. Fox felt a searching tongue enter his mouth, and he moaned by the feeling it sent down his body. As he gasped, Alex slid his tongue even further down his throat, and Fox felt the world around go pale and fade out. He couldn't focus his thoughts on anything else now, the only thing in the world he was aware of was Alex's soft mouth, Alex's wet tongue, Alex's hot breath, and Alex's hands nestling in his hair. He had never felt something like it before, and he wondered if he would perhaps die from it. Nothing could feel this good and not be lethal. For his first male-on-male kiss, Alex thought that Fox did a pretty good job. Pretty damn good, actually. Pretty damn un-fucking-believable good, to be precise! The boy was a natural, and Alex increased the pressure on the back of Fox's head, deepening the kiss even more. Since they had parked behind a couple of trees, they were enough out of view that it didn't occur to Alex to stop it. Actually he wouldn't have stopped it even if they had been in the school cafeteria, in the middle of 1200 hungry high school students. It was just too good, too intense, too sweet, and he thought he could keep kissing Fox for the rest of his life. Fox broke the kiss and stared at him, face flushed, eyes dark with arousal. "Alex, I..." Alex didn't want to listen. He wanted to make out. But the tone in Fox's voice told him he should let him speak. "What?" Fox let his hand outline the slightly flushed face before him, watching green eyes grow heavy and close. "I went to see Lisa last night." The eyes opened again, a hint of fear in them now. "Lisa?" "Yes." He needed to say this right, if he didn't want to spoil it all before it had even began. "I told you I needed to...think...about this. Lisa has always been able to, I don't know, see through me in some way, she seems to know me so well and..." A flash of (jealousy?) something in the green eyes at this. He continued. "...and I felt so confused and didn't know what to do, so I went over there and sort of...told her." "About us?" "Well..." He smiled softly at the memory. " She told me actually. But anyway, then we sat for a couple of hours and just talked about it, about us, about...uhm...you." Alex blinked. "You two talked about me?" "Hrm...yeah...we did. Alex, I have to say that I am still a bit mixed up about everything. I mean, not about how I feel about you, but about myself and who I am and...stuff." He felt like a moron. The biggest thing that had ever happened to him, something he had spent a whole evening discussing with his ex-girlfriend last night, and he still couldn't express himself in a way that made sense, not even to Alex, the one who probably needed to hear it the most. Fox blushed and threw a shy look over at the other seat. But instead of the expected resentment in Alex's face, what he saw was something else. Alex's eyes beamed. "The way you feel about me? How do you feel about me, Fox?" The senior couldn't help but smile, faintly, at the look on Alex's face. Finally something he could express! "Oh Alex, hrm, I...I think that I, uhm...you know, that I am...falling in love with you...sort of" Well. Half express, anyway. Stuttering and blushing like an idiot while doing it. He opened his mouth to speak again, but Alex stopped him by pressing a finger against his lips. "Ssssch." Then Alex lent in to kiss him again, not removing his finger which now slid into Fox's mouth along with a wet tongue. Fox shivered. He felt Alex's other hand begin a little journey down from the back of his head to the front of his chest, and then continuing even further down. To his leg. Pausing. And then starting up the stroking again. Oh my... Other, unwelcome, thoughts entered his mind too. Feels so good, this is it, can't go back from here, how can it feel so good, so right, I want to touch him, I want him to touch me, oh, god, what is wrong with me... But when the hand moved between his legs to touch him there, he couldn't hold back any more. Pushing all other thoughts aside, he tore free of the mouth that claimed him, and cupped Alex's face with his hands. "Oh, Alex...God," he whispered. "What will I do with you?" "Kissing works well with me!" Alex stated, already reaching for him again. "Yeah, that sounds good." There was a pause as Fox peered sideways at him. "But I want to do...more." Alex felt a slow burning sensation spread through his arms and legs as he had to remind himself to keep breathing. He met Fox's eyes, searching them, and liking what he saw there. The huskiness of his own voice surprised him as he said simply; "We can." Fox immediately became practical. As you do in a situation just like this. "How?" Alex almost resented the rationality, but liked the straight-forwardness, and simply gave a casual shrug. "Stay at my house tonight." "What?" "Call your parents. Tell them you are spending the night at a friend's house, and come back to mine." "What about your mom?" "I'll handle her." Then he caught something sweeping over Fox's face, and asked; "What?" Fox ducked his head. "Well, do you think...can you...you know...do you think you can trust me after...after...I mean, I'm not sure that I could if..." Alex interrupted him before he could finish. "Fox," he said. "If I was afraid of you I wouldn't invite you over to my house. Believe me!" Fox nodded, still feeling a bit reluctant, still feeling like a jerk. "Ok." Alex smiled, closing in on him again. "Good." They returned to school in time for their last classes, and then met up at the parking lot again. Fox started to look more and more nervous the closer they came to Alex’s house. When they finally parked by the street outside, he looked like a person about to be brought to his own execution. It was as if he was caught in a dream he expected to be waking up from at any moment. It had gone so fast from the day he had noticed -really noticed- Alex in the gym, the way he looked at him, the strange feeling it created in him, to...this. And now here he was. About to cross over the point of no return. Alex studied his miserable face, and couldn't help but giggle. "Looking a little pale there, Fox!" Fox shot him a glance which could freeze fire. "What worries you the most; my mom or the idea over sleeping over?" Fox shrugged. "They both send chills down my spine, actually. Look!" He held up a pair of noticeably shaking hands. Alex suddenly turned serious, and clasped the sweaty hands with his own. "Fox," he said. "We don't have to do anything other then making out tonight if you don't want to. Hell, we don't even have to do that. I'll still want you to spend the night." Fox looked at the handsome face beside him, the firmly pressed together lips, the worried eyes, the soft hair falling down to cover his forehead, and a wave of warmth and (love?) happiness crashed upon him. His face softened and he let his hands gently squeeze the ones cradling them. To hell with it he thought. If it truly was a dream, he would just have to >enjoy it for as long as he could before he would wake up back in the grim >reality where he didn't have this, where he didn't have this wonderful >person with those warm, green eyes to look at him. Where he didn't >feel...wanted. "Don't look like that, or I might not even let you out of the car tonight." He said jokingly, not able to hide the affectionate smile from Alex. Alex raised an eye-brow in a query, but taunting, fashion. "How do I look?" And suddenly Fox found he had to blink a couple of times, before saying; "You're beautiful, Alex." He was definitely done thinking. Watching Alex's eyes take on an expression of total and abandoned happiness, he found it difficult to even remember what the problem had been to begin with. Alex's mom was happy to meet Fox, shaking his hand frantically, commenting on how tall he was for his age, and rushing to the kitchen to start making dinner for them. Alex and Fox helped her out, and then they ate together all three of them, chatting freely and having a very nice evening. It was only when they had cleared away the dishes and were about to go into Alex's room, that she took her son aside for a moment to express the concern she had nursed through the whole meal. "Is he going to sleep in your room, Lexei." "Yes, mom." He watched her furrow her eyebrows and look directly into his eyes. "Are you sure you know what you are getting into?" Alex smiled. "How could I not after all those books you brought home while I was growing up? Be glad I don't ask for candles and matches along with some strawberries and whipped cream." He blinked at her and she smiled. Briefly. "I'm just worried about you, Alex. He seems like a nice kid and all, but as far as I know you haven't had any other boyfriends and things could get...complicated for you. And him. For you both. I guess what I'm saying is..." Alex leant down and kissed her cheek. "Night, mom." She sighed. Then nodded. As he turned to go back into the living room, she stopped him and pressed something into his hand. When he looked down to see what it was, he felt his cheek turn red and stared up at her. "Mom!" "Alex, please..." They both walked into the other room, where Fox stood admiring the walls. "Woaw," he said without turning his head from the framed photographs. "These are beautiful!" "Thank you, Fox!" Alex's mom said and beamed at him. Something in her voice made him look at her, eyes wide. "Did you take these? They're...you should be a professional!" She laughed and pinched his cheek. "What, and miss the exciting life of driving the school bus every day? You must be joking!" Alex had stood watching them, and when his eyes skimmed over Fox's slim body, his pouting lips and his brilliant eyes, and when he thought about what might happen that very night, he suddenly felt he couldn't wait any longer. Unless he wanted to treat his mother to the image of her only son pressing his guest up a wall and dry-hump him, he should get them both down to his room right now. "Fox," he said, gaining the attention of the other boy. "Shall we?" Fox met his eyes and easily read his thoughts. For the passed couple of minutes, he had nursed the same ones. Quickly, he turned to the small woman in front of him. "Thank you for dinner, Mrs K. It was great!" "Night boys. Mind the neighbors, will you!" She winked at her son who crumbled in embarrassment. "Mom!" "Oh hush! Sleep well!" Alex's room was suited downstairs in the basement of the house, and he had never been more thankful of the privacy it gave than right now. As he opened the door and showed Fox inside, he quickly shuffled away the condoms his mother had given him in the kitchen, so that the other boy wouldn't see them. Then he went inside himself and closed the door behind them. They were sitting in the semi-dark room, not talking, just enjoying each other's company and the time they had to themselves. Alex sat on his bed, legs stretched out, and Fox lay in between them, resting his head on one of Alex's thighs. It had been kind of awkward at first, when they had sat down on the bed several inches apart, both wanting to sit close but neither knowing how to express it. Finally, after lot's of scooting around and accidentally moving closer and closer, Fox had just caved in and asked Alex in an embarrassed voice if he could lie in his lap, like that first night they had spent together. Alex didn't have many objections. He noticed Fox's reluctance at touching him, but now knew it had to do with not wanting to scare him, more than feeling apprehensive, so he jut went ahead and took the lead. He kept touching, making Fox relax. They sat for a while, lost in the simple touches. Then Alex moved, and moved Fox with him. "Hey..." Crouching over the bed, hands on either side of Fox's chest, eyes locked intently on his, Fox thought that Alex looked just like a panther stalking it's prey. On impulse he reached up and stroked his fingers over the sensitive spot behind the younger boy's ear, laughing when Alex began to make a purring sound. Any wild cat can be tamed with a little petting he thought. Then his >fingers moved behind Alex's head and pulled him down to lock their lips >together in a deep, soul searching kiss. A little full-on hardcore >petting he silently added when he felt a wet tongue begin drawing patterns >on his jaw and neck. Alex was in heaven! He had dreamed about touching this body for so long, and now that it finally happened, he went wild. Pouncing his prize, the two of them rolled around on the bed, giggling, pinching, stroking and kissing. Pillows were being thrown and clothes being discarded. Although he afterwards had tried hard to remember, Alex had no clear recollection of the moment when the play had turned serious, when laughter and giggles had turned into moans and whimpers. He just knew that this time he felt no fear whatsoever. They were lying on their sides, facing each other, breathing hard. Fox traced Alex's face with his hand, regarding him with something Alex didn't dare to even begin exploring. "Alex..." The way Fox said his name alone made his whole body tingle with joy. "Mmhm?" Warm, caressing puffs of air on his cheek. Dreamy! "I want to tell you something." Alex suddenly felt less dazed and more awake with renewed wariness shouting words of warning to his mind. Please don't tell me this is going too fast, please don't ask me to show you the guest room, please... "What is it, Fox?" "I want to thank you, Alex." The crass words were somehow softened by the absolute gorgeous way that Fox looked at him as he spoke them. Alex frowned, and blinked a couple of times. "T-thank me? For what exactly?" "For this!" Seeing Alex's still deeply confused face, Fox took one of the other boy's hands and brought it to his lips to kiss. "And this." He kissed the inside of that slim wrist. "And for this." He bent down and gently bit into the smooth skin on the exposed throat right next to him. Alex shivered. "Would you believe me if I said that it was all my pleasure?" Fox chuckled, got a wicked look on his face, and started to trace his lips down to one nipple. Hearing Alex's gasp, he decided he must be on the right track. "I mean it, Alex. I think you saved me, that time in the computer room. I had no idea how to deal with...with...if it hadn't been for you...So, thank you!" It was a fantastic speech, and Alex truly treasured it, but the things Fox kept doing with his mouth at the same time sort of made it hard for him to focus. Very hard, actually. As those delicious lips made contact with his stomach, and a wet tongue started to lazily tickle his belly button, Alex felt as if he was floating ten feet above the ground. And he felt completely secure. "O-okay," he managed to say. "You're...aaah, shit...you're welcome...I guess." Then there was no more talking. Fox slid back up again and they embraced, tongues intertwined, and started to move together in a way none of them had before, but yet both seemed to know instinctively. Their clothes seemed to disappear somehow, or at least be tucked out of the way at their frantic tries to feel more of the other's bare skin. As the pressure kept increasing, it occurred to both of them that they wouldn't have to stop, that this was what they both wanted, and they locked eyes again, seeing the desire mirrored in the face of the other. They could also see the same question forming in each other's eyes; could it be this easy? Was it really possible that this simple act, moving together, rubbing skin against skin, hard flesh against hard flesh, could feel this good, and give such thrilling pleasure? How could they not have known? How could they have gone through life so far without feeling this Alex arched and pushed his head back into the pillow, rubbing harder against Fox, treating the older boy to the lustful sight of his long, slender throat. "F-Fox..." "Alex..." They didn't stop moving, couldn't even if they had wanted to. Not now. Too far gone. Too close... So they kept up the rhythm, and kept gasping each other's names while the pressure kept increasing, and increasing, and... "Oh my...GOD...Fox...Faster...I think I'm gonna..." ...and increasing... "FUCK...Alex...Oh God...Oh fuck!" ...and finally reaching it, holding it there, so sweet and so intense it was almost painful and they just needed a little more, a little more... "More, Fox! More!" Alex wrapped both arms and legs around Fox, crushing him to him, feeling every muscle in his body tense beyond reason, beyond control, he was beyond control now...and teeth! He felt teeth clamping down on the side of his neck, biting hard, the pain only adding to the almost unbearable pleasure. This was nothing like the harsh humping he had received in the computer room. This was shared, equal, mutual love-making. And good as fuck! "F-Fox! Don't...don't stop!" "Fuck, fuck, fuck...oh, FUCK!" Alex was almost sobbing, the pleasure driving him crazy, ripping him apart, making him ache for the elusive climax to come and sweep him away. The sight of Fox moving above him, the muscles in his arms and neck tensing at every push forward, made him want to scream out his need. He thought he'd never seen anything as damn sexy as Fox driving himself into him, grinding their cocks together, lost in his own wild pleasure. And still he needed more, they needed more, and the thrusting became almost violent, desperate, and they still needed MORE, and they held on even harder, rubbing together even harder... "A-Alex!" Fox's voice only a whisper, and then, with an immense effort from both of them, they finally tumble over the edge together, jerking against the other body, moaning and gasping, clenching and unclenching. Drifting away in white-hot bliss. Eons later, Alex came to again, still crushed beneath Fox, the other boy laying eyes-closed on his chest, murmuring sweet nothings into his ear. Alex felt a wide, silly grin break across his face, and knew he must look as smug and sated as he felt. I've just had sex with this guy! he thought before opening his eyes and >look down at the sleepy face of his...lover? My lover! He tasted the >words, found that he liked them, and tightened his grip on Fox's shoulders. "Fox?" "Mmphmm?" "Are you ok?" "Hmmp...gafffp...yeah!" The dark head tilted upward and Alex found himself lost in hazel eyes filled with just as much smugness as his own must be. "I feel...amazing, actually. Like..." "Like you just had sex?" Alex added innocently. Fox laughed out loud. "Yeah! Like I just had the most amazing fucking sex of my whole damn life!" The two teenagers looked at each other, knowing that what had just happened would probably create a lot of bad feelings and things to deal with later down the road, but neither of them caring a damn bit about that right now. They were still floating. Alex rubbed his hand over a still sweat-covered chest. "Hmm. Do you think it is always like this?" He still couldn't believe it. Not only had they had sex (>I just had sex!<), but it had been almost...mind-blowing. Fox stretched his sore muscles and yawned. "I don't know." Then he chuckled. "Lucky us if it is!" They laughed, then kissed, and then Fox sneaked an arm over Alex's chest, pulling him until he was safely stuck underneath the older boy. "What now?" Alex wriggled some, to snuggle even more deeply into Fox's arms. Fox playfully kissed the top of his nose. "Sleep?" Agreeing on this, Alex gently pressed Fox's head back to where it had been, nuzzled against the side of his neck. The older boy started drifting off immediately, but before he managed to ask; "What about your mom? What will she think if she finds us like this in the morning?" "Don't worry," Alex cooed and rocked him gently. "Go to sleep. We have school tomorrow, remember." As Fox's breathing started evening out, Alex lay awake a long time thinking about what had just happened. A slow burn in his stomach that just wouldn't give, told him this was a lot deeper than a simple sex-thing for him. Much, much deeper. He knew that this was it, he was sold; heart, body and soul. The question was of course how Fox would feel about it, now that they had taken it this far, when he woke up in Alex's bed in the morning. Fox. There were so many things he wanted to do to him, including what they had just done tonight. He wanted to do THAT again, that was for sure, but he also want to taste, to take, to...be taken? His mind was swiveling with the images. He knew he wanted to feel Fox's cock in his mouth, to suck him, to have him scream his name. He also wanted to have him inside, to feel Fox all hot and hard deep inside him in that place where he knew, from self-induced experience (and some pretty graphically illustrated books), that it would feel fantastic to have him. To be honest, it was actually not quite as comfortable as he would have thought, to lie together like this in post-sex afterglow. The sheets were bumpy and crumbled underneath him, his arm was cramping from Fox's weight, and there was definitely something wet and sticky creeping it's way down his stomach and between his thighs. But he wasn't going to give this up, falling to sleep with Fox's warm body on top of him, for anything. Heart body and soul! Heart, body and soul. In the morning. It would all be clear in the morning. He would know then. Not until then. Tomorrow morning. Part Two Had it really only been a week? A week since that first night that they had spent together in Alex's bed, since the morning after when they had both laid on their sides facing each other, noses almost touching, gazing into each other's eyes, both trying to read the other one's feelings. They had kissed, a long kiss, and grinned madly as if not being able to comprehend just how they had gotten so lucky. Which was exactly how it had felt, for both of them. Then they had gotten up and gone into the kitchen to eat the oversized breakfast that Alex's mother had made for them. She had greeted them with a smile and some very embarrassing questions. That had been a week ago. It felt much longer. It was noon, and every student at GHS was heading for the cafeteria. Alex and Fox were walking slowly along the corridor, being passed by everyone running by them, and once they had reached the stairwell down to first level, the hall was completely abandoned. They stopped. Both wanted to eat, but somehow it seemed more important that they for once were alone together. Meaningful looks were exchanged. Silent words were being said. Fox was bothered by something, Alex could see that easily. The older boy was tapping his feet, stroking his hair back, and rubbing at invisible spots on his letterman's jacket. Alex desperately wanted to reach out and touch his now rather tousled hair, but he knew how Fox felt about 'touching at school', so he contended himself with just laying a hand gently on the senior's arm. Fox flinched immediately. "What?" "Nothing." The foot tapping and jacket-dusting soon picked up again. Two times in a row, Fox opened his mouth as if to say something, but both times he stopped himself. Alex patiently watched Fox fidget for a while longer, then reached out a hand and stilled the other boy's nervous gestures. "What's up, Fox?" he asked, more firmly this time. Fox took a visibly shaky breath, then said, "Don't get mad, ok!" Alex frowned. "Are you going to break up with me?" "NO! Of course not!" Fox apparent shocked face gained an appreciative nod from his young friend, who continued to say; "Are you gonna tell me you want to see me in women's underwear?" Fox gasped. "N-no!" A quick, inward thought, as if considering something just brought to his knowledge. "Why would anyone...hmm..." "Fox!" Fox shook his head. "No, that's...There's something I want to ask you." "What?" Alex's patience was now at its limit, and Fox had started fidgeting again. He had to put a stop to it. "Tell me, damnit!" Fox managed to look absolutely miserable, as if Alex had just told him he had been a BAD puppy, and he shoved his hands deep into his pockets, bringing his shoulders up. "Well, see, I can't really tell you, I have to show you..." This intrigued Alex, and with the threat of a breaking up confession out of the picture, he stayed pretty calm. "Show me then! Please?" "Not here. In the bathroom." He took a hold of Alex's sleeve, yet not too tightly—it would look weird if he were to almost drag the junior with him into the little boys' room during lunch break—but tight enough that Alex really had no choice but to follow. Once inside, Fox checked under all stall doors to make sure no one else was in there with them, and then with a tilt of his head asked Alex to join him in the stall on the far end. Alex, beginning to feel like he was in a gangster movie, smiled and went inside the small stall, closing the door behind them. "Come now, Fox! What is it you wanna show me?" From his gym bag, Fox proceeded to pull out a various number of things. Alex looked on with his eye-brows raised as the senior took out football shoes, jock strap, deodorant, a towel and underwear, and placed the items on top of each other on the toilet lid. "Are you trying to turn me on, Fox? 'Cause it's not working. It was never the jock strap that did it for me, you know!" Fox just snorted at his reply, and then exclaimed; "Here! Got it!" as he pulled out a folded magazine from the bag, which he held out to Alex. "Go on. Take it!" Alex obeyed, gave Fox a quick look and then threw a curios glance down at the magazine as he unfolded it. "What is it...OH!" A strangled gasped escaped his lips, and Fox made a face, watching the younger boy blush all the way up to the roots of his hair. "Sorry, Alex, I didn't mean to...I just wanted to show you in case you...we...you know. Sorry!" But as he reached out to hurriedly take the magazine and put it back into the bag, Alex wouldn't let go. "No! That's okay...I am just a bit surprised, 's all." He began to turn the pages, the blushing fading down a bit. "Where...where did you get this, Fox?" "I...uhm...I have a cousin upstate, Jim, who is gay...my gay cousin Jim...and I told him about...you know..." At this, Alex grinned. Yes. He knew. "Jim is sort of an outcast in our family, but I've always liked him, and felt a sort of closeness to him...now I guess we all know why...Anyway, he's the only one I've told, and he sent me this magazine so that I could have a look and see if there was anything in there that I...liked." During his little speech, Alec had listen attentively without giving any feelings away, and now he slowly lowered his eyes to the magazine in question, and gave it a more intense once-over. "So...Fox." His voice was dead serious. "You are suggesting that we went home and...try some of this out?" Now it was Fox's turn to go beet red as he met the gaze of the younger guy in front of him. "No, not unless you would like to. I'm...I'm fine with just going with what we've done so far, it's...it may be too soon to try anything else, anyway..." Alex felt an evil grin finally break out on his face, as he could no longer keep it in throughout Fox's fidgets and obvious discomfort. He was so damn cute! And...sexy! Hmm. Alex closed the magazine and nodded towards the pile of stuff on the toilet. "Get your gear together, Fox! We've got some work to do!" Later that evening, after dinner and conversation was over and they were back in the basement again, they were lying on Alex's bed with Fox's gay cousin Jim's issue of "Action Men" spread open between them. Giggling, blushing and, admittedly aroused, they slowly turned page after page, staring at the graphic pictures, gasping at the strange positions and desperately avoiding each other's eyes. Alex was the first to actually say what they were both thinking. He put his hand over Fox's, as he was about to turn the page again, and looked him straight in the eye. "So...? Fox. Are we actually going to try any of this stuff out, for real?" Fox's already flushed cheeks reddened, but he held Alex's gaze. "I don't know. What do you think?" "Well, I guess it was the whole purpose of bringing the magazine, wasn't it? So..." He tilted his head a little and put on what Fox quickly had named the "misleadingly-sweet-and-innocent-little-puppy " look. "Which one should we try first? How about page 27. I kinda liked that one." They both chuckled and threw each other half-disgusted, half-excited glances. "Maybe we should skip that one for now," Fox said, smiling. "I don't think we are at a stage in our relationship yet were I would trust you with motor oil and a gas pump. Besides, where are we gonna get a hold of mechanic's overalls at this time at night?" "I guess you're right. Well, how about this one then? Page 30?" They both looked at the page, and then at each other. Fox knew Alex was serious this time, and he felt a spike of arousal shoot through him. Oh, he was definitely up for "page 30". Up, indeed. He took a deep breath. "Ok." They looked at each other over the magazine. Neither of them moved. Their erratic breathing was all that was heard in the silent room. Then, very slowly, Alex folded the magazine closed and, reaching over Fox's outstretched form, he put it on top of the nightstand. Then he leaned back into position, and they locked eyes. What now? They both wanted to do this and they were silently asking themselves, 'what are we waiting for?' Maybe it was for the blushing to fade away a bit, and the anxiety to wear down a little. After a couple of minutes, when nothing happened, Alex decided that he had to be the one to act. He figured that they might never move, otherwise. He began by letting his hand gently stroke down Fox's arm -he simply loved those arms- and continue down over his jeans-clad hip. There he stopped for a brief moment, swallowing hard, and resolutely started to undo the fly. Feeling what Alex's fingers were doing, Fox turned to lie on his back, looking up into the ceiling, trying not to breath to hard. As soon as the fly was undone, and the zipper lowered and opened, Alex let one hand slide inside and start stroking the hardness found there. Fox gasped, and quickly closed his eyes while listening to his own heartbeat speeding up. Alex was so damn good at this, at reducing him to moans and whimpers by a simple touch. The hand not busy jerking him off was unbuttoning his shirt, slowly but determinedly. He stopped thinking about page 30. He just let go. Sparks of light were beginning to flash behind Fox's closed eyelids, as he felt himself getting closer and closer to the edge, just by the continuing touch of Alex's hand. Amazing! In more ways than one. And then, just like that, the stroking stop and Fox whimpered while trashing his head from side to side on the pillow, cursing the sudden absent of warmth. Without opening his eyes he reached for Alex, but his hand was impatiently batted away. "Just a sec," he heard Alex mutter, and then there was a moment of coldness as his jeans were pulled down to his knees. He shivered. "Alex, please, what are you...FUCK!" His sentence was cut off and the last word cried out roughly as he felt a warm, wet, mouth engulf his cock, sliding down almost to the middle of it, producing a wave of pleasure throughout his body. "Oh god oh god oh god..." A hot mouth was on and around his cock, sucking and licking variably, while a warm, firm fist closed around the base, slowly stroking and squeezing him, driving him absolutely, perfectly out of his mind. He was on his back in the bed, gripping the sheets with both hands, arching into the intimate touches being administered on him, moaning almost continually now while he watched through heavy eyelids how Alex's dark head shifted up and down over his groin area. He couldn't believe what he was feeling. Nothing in his relationship with Lisa, or in his own private self-explorations, or even his previous encounters with Alex, had prepared him for this. He was suffused by this feeling of pain, joy and unbearable pleasure all at once as Alex gently but decidedly went down on him with all the passion he could muster. "A-Alex, oh god, Alex I'm gonna, please don't...I c-can't..." Hearing his pleas, Alex redoubled his efforts, until Fox became sure he would lose his mind in that bed. As for himself, Alex had been surprised at his own reaction as he had first leaned down and taken Fox's into his mouth. The taste had hit him like a flash of lightning, making him cock wince in surprise and sink even further down on the flesh filling his throat. As he had let his hand join his lips, and heard Fox's loud sounds of pleasure, he finally understood what it was he was doing: He was driving Fox wild, his Fox, and just the thought of what his lover must look like lying stretched out underneath his mouth made him sure he would come himself in just a few seconds. But he managed to hold it in, as he went to work even harder on his job of driving Fox spinning into orbit. The strange feeling of having a dick in his mouth had almost put him off at the first taste. No matter how many times he had fantasized about it, sucking someone off was apparently something he would have to get use to before he would be able to enjoy it. He had felt an awkwardness (>What the fuck do I DO with it?<) that had made him more insecure than he normally was with Fox, but the enormous flash of pride he got as Fox started moaning, made him change his mind about the whole thing in an instant. I think I can get to like this! he thought while his ears filled with the sound of Fox's cute little yelps and gasps. Oh yes! As the cock in his mouth twitched, along with an incoherent cry from its owner, Alex closed his eyes and felt Fox's (all mine!) semen pour into his mouth and throat. He swallowed all of it, without a second's thought. Hey, I'm a natural at this, he thought. Raising his head he looked down into the dazed eyes of the one lying boneless on the bed before him. He grinned. In a casual voice he asked the still floating boy. "So how was that? Did it do anything for you at all?" Fox rolled his eyes for a moment, waited for his breathing to even out a little, and than sat up on his elbows, still a bit shakily. "Oh God, Alex, that was...oh, man!" Alex's grin widened as he felt (justifiably) very proud of himself. Seeing this, Fox chuckled. "But..." he said with a little resentment in his voice. "...I was supposed to do you at the same time. Didn't we say we would do it like in the picture?" Alex threw a glance at the two men doing a 69 on the page, and just shrugged his shoulder. "Sorry. Got a bit carried away, I guess." "You think?" Fox had now come down from his high, and he drew his knees under him to sit up on the bed, then started to crawl over to where Alex sat. The young boy eyed him as he approached, getting a mischievous sparkle in his green eyes. Fox knew he was being studied in his butt naked form, and for a second he felt very exposed and self-conscious at the thought of Alex judging him, but he managed to shrug it off. The junior nodded. "Uh-uh!" "Damn right!" And then Fox was on top of Alex, carefully scooting him down on the bed so that he was laying on his back with his wrists over his head, gently crushing that grinning mouth with his own. Tasting himself there. Oh. God. He released Alex, who kept his hands where they were, on either side of his head, and then he started moving down his body instead. He noticed his hands were trembling. Scary thoughts filled his mind; What if I can't do it? What if he hates it? What if I hate it? He realized of course that he was about to taste another guy's (No! Not 'another guy's'; it's Alex's, only his...) dick, and that knowledge didn't help his panic attack any. I shouldn't have started this! was his last thought before he reached Alex's groin and became mesmerized by the sight. It wasn't the first time he had 'been there', but it was the first time he looked at it with mixed feelings. And then Alex moved a little, and suddenly it struck Fox like a flash of lightning; This is ALEX! It is him! and his body stopped shaking and instead filled with warmth and something...urgent. He was surrounded by Alex's scent, that sweet, lovely scent of soap and heat and arousal that made him dizzy, and he had to slow down what he was doing to carefully lay down his head, resting his cheek on Alex's thigh, while letting the scent overtake him. His face was only inches from the hard, swollen flesh lying flat out in front of him, glued to Alex's lean stomach. He was close, so close, and if he just let his head tip forward a little bit he would be able to taste the skin there, to run his tongue over it, to wrap his...With a sigh, he closed his eyes and let the images flash upon him. In the meantime, Alex grew a little restless. "Eh, Fox? Are you asleep down there?" "No," came the slightly muffled answer, sending small puffs of warm air over his sensitive skin. "Uh, ok, then what are you...waiting for? That's as big as it's going to get, y'know." Fox shifted his head a bit and looked up at narrow, green eyes, dark with desire. He swallowed the comment he was about to make, and instead moved his body until he was on all fours and kneeling over Alex's, still keeping their eyes locked, and the started to slowly lick the top of the hard shaft. Oh. God. You're doing it. You are sucking another guys dick. They have names for people like you. Faggot. Cocksucker. Fairy. Queer. Pervert. All the bad names Fox had ever heard his classmates say about gays, he had even said some of them himself, came crashing over him in the form of yelling voices in his head. And then, just like that, he tuned them all out with a shake of the head and one lasting image; I don't care. I want this! He carefully lowered his head over Alex's body again. Alex made a hasty motion with his arm, and then reached down to hand something to Fox. "Here," he said breathlessly. "Use this." Without a word, Fox took the condom from Alex's hand and opened the wrapper. It wasn't the first time he'd put one on, and it showed. He'd just never put it on someone else before. Alex tried to keep his eyes on Fox's, he really did, but the feeling of those licks on his cock made him drift away in a haze of pleasure. As he felt himself being completely engulfed by the wetness, as Fox hesitantly and awkwardly (>but FUCK it's good!<) tried to take him into his mouth, he arched his back as far as it would go, and surrendered himself to the moment. "Wow...Oh, wow!" Alex had kept repeating that same line for a while now, even after Fox had finished and slipped back up to lie next to him, immediately finding himself wrapped up in the arms of one, still a bit shell-shocked, Alex. "Oh...Wow! What was your cousin's name again?" "Jim. Why?" "Well, cousin Jim has a bunch of flowers coming his way, I can assure you! I mean...woaw!" It had been good. Sure, they were both so new at this it was pathetic, but nevertheless Alex noticed that any which way they ended up touching, the earth seemed to move a bit. It was enough that they were near each other and that they TRIED, but this time it had moved A LOT. Definitely reaching a 9 on the Richter scale. If this was learning the basics, then their future was looking very promising indeed, sex-wise, Alex thought with a smug smile. "Alex." Fox liked this Alex, this post-orgasmic, incoherent, completely dazed and grinning-silly Alex, who didn't seem to be able to get close enough to him and who suddenly seemed to have developed these octopus arms, all eight of them currently wrapping themselves around Fox. "Hey Alex?" "What?" "Why did you...hmm, when I was...?" Searching his eyes for a second, Alex smiled his devil-may-care smile and turned his head, his hair tickling Fox neck as he did so. "What, the condom? Just thought we should. Does it bother you?" "No. I just want to know why you didn't put one on me when you...you know." "When I sucked you off, you mean?" Fox groaned. Alex chuckled. "I just didn't think it was necessary." A deep frown formed itself on Fox's forehead. "I am the one with a sexual history, not you. It really should have been the other way around..." The younger boy shrugged. "I'm not that worried. Besides, I wanted to do it this way." There was more that Fox wanted to say, such as how stupid it was for Alex to worry about him but not about himself, and that even if he didn't care, then Fox sure did and so on, but the feeling of Alex's hot mouth tracing behind his ear soon made him forget every rational thought he had. He moaned. And closed his eyes. Alex lifted his left arm and looked at the wristwatch. "Mom will be home in about half an hour." Fox eyes opened immediately. "Maybe we should get cleaned up and go sit in front of the TV." No matter how much Alex assured Fox that his mom was okay with them being together in her house, the older boy still seemed highly embarrassed if she ever happened to see them kiss or touch or anything of the kind. He said that he simply felt it would be disrespectful if they did those sorts of things in front of her. Alex had asked if he had been as strict about that when he was dating Lisa, and Fox had proceeded to say that that was an entirely different thing. Exactly how their relationship had been different from his and Alex's, he did not explain. Alex let it drop. For now. There were other things that he wasn't completely okay with, but hadn't dared to bring up yet. Such as the fact that Fox also had problems with giving him self up to the moment. Okay, so that sounded sappy even for a 16-year-old in love, but that was the best description for it. Fox could never allow himself to lose it. He couldn't touch Alex the way he wanted him to. Yes, their sexual experiments so far had been...incredibly good, but sometimes Alex found himself wishing that Fox would just be a little bit rough with him. Like, shove him up against a wall while kissing him, or grab him by the shoulders and pin him down. Stuff like that. He knew that Fox was afraid about doing anything that reminded him of the assault in the computer room, something they hadn't discussed since, and he accepted that. But there was something inside of him, something that his young mind had just begun to explore, that wanted, no craved, that extra touch...a strong arm around him holding him in a tight grip, a hard bite into his shoulder, maybe a pull on his hair...stuff that would make him even more aroused, at least if his secret fantasies were anything to go by. A little roughness. Was that what he wanted? Maybe. But how do you tell that to someone like Fox? Fox was sitting in the kitchen. He was trying to do his English homework, but instead found that his mind had started to wander away from the acclaimed works of Robert Burns, which he should be writing an essay on right now. Mostly, he found that his thoughts were of Alex. Was he in love with Alex? He thought so, although, how does one really know for sure? Was Alex in love with him? Now, there was a tough one. Alex wanted things. Right now he wanted Fox and he wanted Fox to want him back and he wanted Fox to be more open about wanting him back. Did he want him? Yes, there was really no doubt in Fox's mind about that. Alex wanted him and he wanted Alex. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that Alex seemed somehow to be...extra sensitive in certain areas, especially concerning Fox. And he seemed...unconcerned in other areas, where he, well, where he should be concerned. Right? Thinking back, Fox remembered the open and daring way that Alex had showed his interest in him even before he knew whether it was returned or not. That could have been a very sticky situation, at least for Alex, had it gone wrong. Risky. Was that a keyword here perhaps? Why was Alex taking these kinds of risks? And the other day, when they were trying out those...things. Here Fox started to blush and...swell...He dove deeper into his book so that no one would see, hoping his mom wouldn't come into the kitchen and ask him to get up for some reason. Alex had been concerned enough about Fox's health and his safety, but hadn't applied that same concern to himself. It was almost as if...as if he wanted the danger. Wanted the risks. But was that true? Or was it that he laid too much of his concerns and worries on other people, and too little on himself? Then he should stop that. At once. And it was probably up to Fox to make him. "So are you at least using protection?" Alex jumped at the direct question. "W-what?" They were in the kitchen. His mom was standing by the sink, arms crossed over her chest, and that you-better-tell-me-everything-or-else look on her face. Alex swallowed. "You mean like..." "I mean condoms, protection, there is not really anything else for two guys to use, is there?" Alex swallowed again, a lump suddenly forming in his throat. "Yes," he said. "S-sure we do." "All the time?" Well, a lot of the times. But she didn't need to know that. "Yes." She wasn't convinced, he could tell, but there wasn't much more she could do. Without uncrossing her arms, she said; "You are very young, Alex. Remember that!" "What do you mean, mom?" She stared at him. Hard. "I worry about you, Alex. A lot." He stood then, almost on impulse, and walked over to put his arms around her. Feeling her tension, he stroked his hand up and down her back, soothingly. "I'm fine, mom. Don't worry." She sighed into his shoulder. "Can't help it. You are careless sometimes. And you want things to happen too fast." "I just want to get the most out of everything, 's all." She wanted him to understand what she was telling him. He had always listened to her before, but now she wasn't sure he would hear her. Suddenly she wondered if perhaps she should have been stricter with him when he was growing up. It was a ridiculous thought, but she couldn't help it. What if she hadn't prepared him enough for...the Real Life? What would happen to someone like Alex if Real Life turned out to treat him badly? "You are only sixteen, Lexei." He held her tighter, burying his face in her shoulder, while she stroked his hair over and over. Then, just like that, he let her go and went back to the spot he had been standing in before, meeting her eyes from across the room. "I just want him. Is that wrong?" She slowly shook her head. "No, I guess not. But you still should be careful, Alex. Make sure you don't get hurt." I like for him to hurt me Alex thought but, wisely, kept his mouth shut. >He only meant that in a...well, sexual way really, and maybe in a vaguely >romantic sort of idea about sacrificing everything for the one you loved, >and so on. Well, he knew that was just silly smut, but it nevertheless gave >him a tingle of joy through his body. And lust. Deep and strong. Maybe he should sit down, like, right now! Before she saw. Alex mother noticed the special look her son got in his eyes as they talked about Fox, and also the definite interest other parts of him were...showing, but she only shook her head at this. Young love, she thought. and teenage hormones. That's all. She still couldn't stop herself from feeling worried, though. Here he was, her only child, in love for the first time in his young life. Knowing how he worked, she could only hope that Fox was the right kind of boy for him, and that if it turned out he wasn't, she would be able to be there for Alex and help him through his very first heart-break. She let her gaze drop from him and went to finish drying the plates instead. Feeling no less worried. Alex was lying in his bed, on his back, arms tucked in under his head, staring up at the ceiling. Thinking. Images raced through his mind, images of him and Fox together, rousing him and confusing him at the same time. He was thinking about that time in the computer room. Thinking about Fox's anger. And remembering his own fear. And he was hard. Painfully so. Shifting in the bed, Alex brought one arm down and let it slide down his own body, stopping just below the navel. Resting it there. It was confusing him, what he was feeling as he went over that terrible scene in his mind once again. The anger and the sadness and the fear were all still there, but somehow, for some worrying reason, the memory of it only made him even more aroused. Even more confused. His hand moved lower and started to stroke his hardness. Up and down. Nice and slow. Alex closed his eyes and concentrated on the feeling of tingles and pleasure gathering in his groin, but couldn't stop his mind to wander away from what his body was experiencing and instead focus once again on the memories from that night spent in the computer room. His lips made a soft, wet sound as they parted wordlessly and let out a long sigh, hand moving faster. Fox. Fox wanted him. Fox had kissed him and whispered his name and told him that he wanted him. His touches were like electricity and every time their eyes met Alex felt like he should be melting on the spot. Fox. Wanted. Him. It should be enough. But for some reason there was something missing, something Alex wondered if he could ignore any longer. He also wondered if it even had anything to do with Fox, and if it hadn't everything to do with himself. Why do I feel like this? Alex was a young boy who hadn't really begun to understand his own cravings and needs yet. He just knew he was on the verge of something new, something he hadn't explored before and he knew that he couldn't stop it, nor not explore it. We are all looking for our own selves in our relationships with others. Most of us don't know what we will find. Alex was about to find out. Remembering how Fox had pushed him up against the table and held him immobile while roughly taking what he wanted from him, Alex made a low sobbing sound and came so hard in his own hand that he saw stars appearing behind his closed eyelids. It took him a long time to fall asleep that night. The boys' locker room was empty as Alex entered it with his broom in one hand, a bucket of water in the other. "Anyone here?" he said out loud just in case, hearing the words echo back to him from the tile walls. "Guess not." Michael was busy cleaning the bathrooms on the other end of the gym, so he knew no one could hear him. Whistling, he went to work. The smell of sweat, shampoo and boys' deodorant hung thick in the air, but it didn't exactly bother him that much. Quite the opposite, actually. It made him think of naked football players, which made him think of Fox, which made him think of him and Fox naked together. In bed. Sweet. Feeling the beginning of an erection starting in his groin, he continued to clean the floor from dirt, dust and water. As he bent down to rinse his mop over the bucket, a soft voice from somewhere behind startled him into almost losing his balance and stumbling head-first into the nearest locker. "Nice view. Does the coach know you flaunt yourself in the locker room like this?" Alex spun around and stared into smiling, hazel eyes. "Fox! Damnit! When are you going to stop sneaking up on me when I am working?" "I wasn't! I was merely sitting here when you walked in and waved your ass practically in my face!" Alex had a nasty reply ready on his tongue, but the flutters in his stomach as he looked at the tall, smiling senior, made it hard for him to concentrate. Instead he settled for a "Bah!" snort and then turned back around, bending deliberately over the bucket again. In a flash Fox was behind him, grabbing his shoulders lightly and spinning him around. "Tease..." he muttered as he carefully pushed Alex back into the locker and just as carefully pressed himself against the other boy. Feeling Fox's body heat made Alex dizzy for a moment, and the stomach flutters were back with a vengeance. He knew he...needed something, but he had no idea how to formulate it out loud. He just wanted...more. "Fox." His voice was breathless. Fox was still pressing their bodies tightly -but not too tightly- together and was currently busying himself by lapping on his neck, driving Alex crazy. "Fox!" "What?" Gentle hands were coming up to touch his face, and Alex closed his eyes for a moment, all coherent thoughts again being driven away from him. Fox drew slightly back, leaving an inch of unwanted air between them. "Is something wrong, Alex? Did I hurt you?" The worry was obvious in Fox's voice, and Alex opened his eyes to meet those questioning brown ones. "No." He took both of Fox's hands in his. "No you didn't. That's...that's what is wrong." Fox's face was now a big question mark of confusion. "I don't understand," he admitted. Alex traced one hand down the older boy's shirt, feeling muscles and bone against his palm. Following the track with his eyes, he stopped at Fox's groin, then raised his head to look straight at Fox, hunger evident in his long gaze. "You are so afraid of hurting me. I can tell." His voice was low and husky, and Fox had to put one arm against the locker door behind Alex's back, just to stop his knees from crumbling at the sensual sound. Alex continued, unfazed. "I understand it's because of what happened in the computer room that night...But I'm telling you right here and right now, Fox; You can hurt me a little bit. I don't mind." Warm, moist mouth pressed into Fox's throat. "I think I want you to. Just a little bit." Fox groaned, and then sank back onto the bench behind him. Leaving Alex standing up, panting hard. For a moment neither of the boys said anything. The harsh breathing from two sets of lungs was the only sound in the locker room. Then Alex leaned his head back against the locker door with a thud, and looked down at Fox. "Are you angry?" Fox flinched, and looked up. "Angry? No, of course not!" "Do you think I shouldn't have said that?" "Alex, I..." What was he going to say? "I...I know that I'm not as, shall we say open, as you are, about...us and....stuff, but I...I want you. All the time. And I am afraid I will do something wrong, and that I will lose you like I almost did that night, when I..." "Fox." Alex left his position and sat down next to the tortured boy on the bench. He wanted to sooth Fox, and he wanted everything to be clear between them. His erection however, had not faded, he noticed. "Fox, you have no idea what you do to me every time you touch me. It's like...I can't believe how lucky I am to have you and sometimes my feelings almost scare me." Fox was looking at him now, searching his face. Alex blushed, but continued anyway. "You can't do anything wrong, believe me. I want you too." He leaned forward, trying to convey all of those emotions to the other boy with his eyes. "And you can hurt me a bit. I promise you!" For one long, agonizing moment, they kept staring at each other without saying a word. Then Fox took a deep breath and seemed to relax. An inch. "Y-you want me to hurt you?" "No." Alex let a hand trace Fox's leg comfortingly. "But I want you to feel it's alright to lose control with me. And I want you to touch me. Don't worry, I will show you how." "You will show me how you want me to touch you?" Alex smiled. "Yes." Were things this complicated with Lisa? Fox wondered for a second. Then he >thought; No they weren't. Because things weren't as good with her either. And the smile on Alex's face was surprisingly promising. "When?" he heard himself ask, huskily. "When what?" "When will you show me?" That promising smile widened. "How about now?" Short chuckle. "Michael can finish in here." Fox didn't protest. Why should he? Alex grabbed his arm and pulled him into a standing position. "You have your car, right?" "Parked outside. Why?" "Let's go home!" They didn't make it as far as Alex's house. Fox couldn't remember ever being this horny. If it was because of their intimate talking or the teasing they had done earlier or even if it was just the full moon making him feel this way, his body knew he had to pull over and do something about it before his mind did. Just trying to concentrate on keeping the car on the road was an effort, and having a living, breathing and, undisputedly, just as horny Alex Krycek in the seat next to him didn't help any! At the first side road he saw, he turned the car into it. In the corner of his eye, he saw Alex look around in confusion. "Where are we going?" They stopped when the gravel road ended, quite a bit off the main road, surrounded by trees and in the pale light of one flickering lamppost. It was too late for joggers, too early for ghosts. They would be undisturbed. Fox killed the headlights and turned in his seat. The light from outside hit Alex's eyes, making them glitter in the dark as he looked over at Fox. Waiting. He hadn't asked again where they were going. It hadn't taken him that long to figure it out by himself. "So." "So." Fox could hear how raspy his voice sounded. This was madness! He couldn't stop his hands from trembling as he reached out and touched Alex's face in the darkness, and he could hear Alex's breaths coming in short gasps, matching his own strangled ones. Then Alex spoke. "This is where I show you?" It wasn't really a question, but Fox nodded anyway. Yes! His already hard erection swelled to an almost painful point as he saw Alex lean forward in his seat, and felt those warm, maddening breaths against his cheek. He didn't think he could get any more turned on without bursting something. "Touch me, Fox." Fox's heart leapt up into his throat, and he reached out and grabbed Alex's shoulders, hard, slamming him back in his seat (>Is this how you want it?<) and pouncing on him like a tiger. In a blurry haze of limbs and skin and lips, he pushed the younger boy up against the door on his side and kissed him senseless. He could feel Alex mumbling something into his mouth, (>Yes it is!<) something obscene, and then the other boy was pushing back, fighting him, and forcing him to sit back into his own seat again. Then Alex was on his lap, straddling him, pushing his hands under his shirt and rubbing his groin against Fox. Fox threw his head back and moaned. There was nothing else he could do. Alex had gotten his shirt off and was working on his belt, and Fox started to resist him, trying to stop him from finishing it too fast. "Alex!" He managed to say before those lips were on his again. The blur was back, and he felt a strong hand unzip his pants and slip inside. He cried out. It might have been Alex's name. It might have been something else. He really didn't care. And then he finally managed to get Alex away from him for a moment, just long enough to get working on his clothes. Alex got the point and helped getting his shirt off and his jeans unbuttoned. Once the junior was back on his lap again, he seemed to reach for something behind him, as he drove himself into Fox, forcing cries of pleasure and pain from the older boy's throat with every shove forward. "Alex what...?" Alex was breathless and clutching Fox's back frantically as he tried to get as close to him as possible. "I...want...to..." An insistent hand wrapped itself around Fox's hard cock, and he threw his head back. "Alex, oh god!" Alex was trying to ride him now, up and down, still gripping his erection. Fox thought he would lose his mind, as he felt Alex's panting in his ear. "I...aah...I...want...you...to...oh, shit...fuck...f-fuck me...Fox!" And now Fox understood what all that wriggling and gripping had been about. He reached up and took one fist-full of soft, dark hair in his hand, yanking on it forcefully. Alex head came up as he gasped in pain. And cursed out loud. Fox didn't let go. "No, Alex, that's not a good idea," he managed to get out from behind clenched teeth. "Fuck you," he heard Alex say and try to impale himself once more. With another strong tug, Fox stopped him. "No! Don't! You'll hurt yourself!" "I don't care!" "I do." The humping against his groin didn't stop even for a second, but at least that was all for right now, despite Alex's clear efforts to move it further. "You...said you would...hurt me...a little." "Not like that. Come on, Alex!" He made his voice gentle, and carefully stilled the frantic movements from the boy sitting on top of him. "Come on." Alex slowed down, and his answer came out as a sob, as finally relaxed against Fox's chest and let the older boy take over. "O-okay." Soothingly petting the younger boy's sweaty hair with the hand that had been pulling at it just a minute ago, Fox let the other trail down his back. Alex shuddered. "F-Fox." The evident frustration in Alex's voice made the senior's heart leap in sympathy. And mutual feeling. He suddenly, without even making a conscious decision about it, let the hand on Alex's back slide down all the way and in between the other boy's legs. Searching. Finding. Stroking. At the feeling of Fox's fingers stroking between his cheeks, lightly touching the most private part of his body, Alex whimpered, leaning heavily forward into the senior's chest. Fox felt Alex hard breathing against his ear, and smiled as he pushed one finger inside the small opening he had been tracing. Had he stopped to think about it he probably never would have done it, and when he heard Alex's undeniable groan in pain, he instantly began to pull back again. But Alex stopped him. "N-no. Don't. Stop." With every spoken word Fox could feel those internal muscles clench around his finger. He groaned. "Feels. Good. Just. A little. Pain." They sat like that for a minute, resting their foreheads together, both of them getting used to the strange feeling. I'm inside him! Fox kept saying in his head. He feels me inside him! The thought made his head spin. "Jeez, Alex!" Alex raised his head a bit and their eyes met. The younger boy's were heavy and dilated. The sight made Fox moan, and then he moaned again as he felt Alex shift a little in the seat, pushing his finger even deeper inside. And then. Suddenly. "Shit!" Obviously something had caught Alex's attention, because he froze on the spot and repeated the movement again. Fox searched his face, feeling concerned. "What was it?" "I don't know." Then he flinched again, and his back arched. Fox felt his finger brush over something hidden deep within Alex's body. Alex cried out, right into his left ear, almost making him deaf in the process. "SHIT! There it is again!" "What?" But Alex didn't answer. He had closed his eyes and thrown his head back, and he now seemed completely lost in his own world, wriggling like crazy on top of Fox and arching wildly every time he seemed to find that place again. "Oh, God...F-Fox...Fuck!" He shifted his body on Fox's finger over and over, gasping, moaning and generally continuing to vary Fox's name with that of God's. After only a few moments of this, when Fox had started to respond to Alex's pleas for more by pushing his finger carefully in and out of him, he suddenly realized, by the increased desperation of Alex's movements, that the younger boy was on the edge of coming. The mere thought of that had Fox going wild as well, and finally start to pay some attention to his own neglected erection. As he wrapped his hand around himself, increasing his speed of his other finger, Alex took hold of his own cock and together they began jerking themselves to completion. I took only a few, hard thrusts and they were both crying out in the compartment of the small car, Alex clinging to the seat and Fox clinging to Alex. The climax seemed drawn out, after their build up the spasms seemed to never want to end. They squirmed and jerked against the other, sweat and semen making their skin slippery, and filled the air around them with the smell of sex. After a few minutes they came down from their heights. Holding on to each other. Each feeling the other one's heartbeats against his own. "Alex." Fox had no desire to move a millimeter from where he was, except for his finger which he had pulled out of Alex when the orgasms had hit, but necessity made him realize he had to. "Alex, we have to get home." A grunt was heard from Alex, and then green eyes were raised to look into his own. "Fox." "Alex?" Alex sighed deeply and untangled himself from Fox. "I wanted to...so badly." He pulled his shirt on in one swift motion, absently drying his sticky chest with it. Fox made a face but didn't say anything. "I don't think I've ever been so turned on in my life." Following his example, Fox began to dress too. "I know. Me too. But I don't think it would have been a good idea. It needs...more preparation." "Yeah, you're probably right." Another deep sigh. "And what we did instead was pretty fucking amazing, I have to admit." The glance Alex threw him had Fox groaning again. "Really?" "You have no idea!" The younger boy chuckled. "I don't know what that was, but I DEFINITELY want to go there again. I have heard that doing...that...would feel incredible, but I didn't know it would be like that!" Looking at the younger boy who was now fully dressed, Fox felt his breath catch in his throat. With his clothes all tousled up, his face flushed from his orgasm, and his hair standing out in every direction, Fox thought that he had never seen anything as beautiful in his life. Alex noticed him staring and asked; "What?" "Alex, I..." The words "I love you" was lingering on his tongue, but he swallowed them down again. It was too soon. "Was this what you had in mind, then?" Alex's questioning face turned into a devilish grin. "Oh yes!" He then turned on the compartment light and gave himself a once over. "Look!" Fox leaned over and saw the small, darkening marks of fingerprints on the young boy's upper arm. He had given those to Alex. While being inside him for the first time. His head swam. "And also here!" With something sounding almost like pride in his voice, the junior pointed at a bite mark on his collarbone, which he had spotted in the rear-view mirror when checking himself. "That looks great, I think." Fox blushed. "And my hair hurts like hell," Alex continued. "Not to mention other...areas." He leaned in and gave the senior a quick kiss. "Thank you. Let's go home!" "What do you think?" "I think you are just so totally gay, Alex." Alex flashed a wide smile at his best friend's muttered comment, and then met the blue eyes, silently asking him to be serious for a change. "What do you really think? Michael sighed and turned the small object over in his hands a couple of times. "It's great," he finally answered, meeting the green eyes that were looking expectantly at him from a very short distance. "Fox will like it, I'm sure." He took another scrutinizing look at the object in his hand. It was a necklace, carefully strung together from green and beige wooden beads on a small leather chain, very original and lovely designed. It was short enough to hang somewhere on Fox's collarbone, but with a buttoned up shirt on, it wouldn't be a problem to hide. Not that he had to. No one would know the necklace was from Alex. Alex had explained all about Fox's fears to his friend ("He's so scared of being found out, you know, so I always have to be careful") and Michael nodded his approval as he gave the necklace back to the dark-haired boy. "He'll like it," he stated again, more firmly. Alex thanked him with his eyes. He knew he could always count on Michael to be honest with him. Putting the gift safely away, he then turned towards his bed and picked up a towel laying there. "I'm just gonna take a quick shower. Why don't you go down into the kitchen and wait?" "Okay." As Alex headed for the bathroom, Michael went out into the kitchen. Alex mom wasn't home yet, but should come through the door any minute now. He hoped he would get to see her before they took off. It had been unusually long since he had last visited this house. Too long. He had missed it. Missed her. Alex's mom was great. Having raised her son by herself, she had also taken to Michael as soon as he had befriended Alex, and now she admitted to looking on him as family. Growing up, he had loved spending nights at Alex's house. It had that special homely feeling to it, and, standing here in the kitchen now, he could almost sense the smell of Alex's mom's pancakes as she made them while he and Alex ran around the house playing soldiers. Alex always lost. He never could manage to "kill" Michael, even though it was just a game. Said he felt sorry for the wounded enemy. Would always let him go. And he hadn't changed much in that respect really. To this day, Michael still felt that deep urge to watch over his friend, to protect him, since the sensitive and vulnerable sixteen-year-old somehow seemed unable to look out for himself. As self-secure and carefree as Alex was around him, Michael thought his best friend was often too, well, concerned for other people, and not enough concerned for himself and the risks of getting himself hurt. So Michael had taken on the role of the "big brother" in the family, taking a symbolic stand right next to Alex's mother in looking after him. He didn't think that Alex knew about this. And if he found out, he would only call it ridiculous. Maybe it was. But now, Michael hoped, Fox had joined them in this mission of making sure Alex didn't get hurt. Well, he'd better! As the front door slammed, Michael looked up expecting to see Mrs. Krycek walk in, but instead Fox Mulder's tall frame entered the kitchen. "Hey Michael! Ready to go to the game?" "Absolutely! How about you?" Fox shrugged, shoving his hands deep into his pockets and leaning against the doorframe. Looking just like the don't-give-shit popular high school football star that he is... Michael thought as he watched him a bit wearily from across the room. "I can't wait!" Fox threw a hopeful look around. "Is Alex here?" "He's in the shower." "Oh." There was a moment of silence, and Michael soon began to feel a bit uncomfortable. The two of them hadn't spent a lot of time conversing throughout their 11 years of school together, and they still didn't feel a hundred percent relaxed with each other. Grabbing on to the first thing that came to him, Michael cleared his throat and said; "Hey, about Prom; me and Mel are taking my dad's car. Do you two wanna come with us or...?" At this, Fox's smile stiffened somewhat. "I have my own car." "Oh." Michael was a bit surprised. Hadn't Alex just explained how paranoid Fox was?" But...don't you think...won't it look strange if you showed up in your car? I mean, I'm not saying that you can't, all I'm saying is that it will look less suspicious if we go all four of us in the same..." Fox interrupted him before he had finished. His voice had a low and intense quality to it. "Why do you think me and Alex are going together?" Michael thought it was a very strange question to ask. Didn't Fox understand that he knew about him and Alex? "Uhm, well, I just assumed that..." "Don't, Michael! Don't assume anything!" Michael fumbled for the right thing to say. "Yes, I mean no...I mean, I'm sorry..." He frowned deeply, making his usually happy-go-lucky expression turn into a confused face. "I don't assume that you will actually go to prom as a couple, but I did think you would want to, you know, go together." "How could we?" "You could be discreet." Michael decided he had to make Fox see this, especially considering the little gift Alex had shown him earlier. "I'm sure it would mean a lot to Alex if you went with him." The icy look on Fox's face stayed. "I'm taking Lisa to the prom." Michael just looked at him. Suddenly, the older boy didn't seem quite as charming anymore. So this was what Alex had talked about? He was actually getting very aggravated with Fox. Taking his ex girlfriend to prom! Bastard! "Lisa?" "Yep." Michael nodded, slowly. "Okay. Does Alex know this?" "Do I know what?" A cheerful voice came from the doorway, and a second later Alex appeared in the kitchen. A huge smile crept across his face as he saw Fox standing by the kitchen table. "Hey!" The still wet-haired boy went to put his arms around the senior, who avoided his touch slightly. Alex laughed. "Come on, Fox! It's only Michael!" His voice had a taunting tone, but Fox showed no sign of amusement.. Alex began to feel a bit worried. Something was definitely up. "Do I know what?" he asked again, frowning. When Michael saw that Fox made no attempt to answer the question, he looked at Alex and said; "Fox is going to prom with Lisa Anderson. As his date." Fox threw a sour glance at Michael, who mirrored it right back at him. Alex turned his eyes from Michael to Fox. "Fox?" "What?" The older boy seemed to get more and more irritated with the situation. "Are you? Taking her?" The begging tone in Alex's voice only worked to get Fox more frustrated. "Yeah! Yeah, I am. So? What did you think? Did you think I would take you Come on, not even you could think that I would make such an obvious declaration to the whole damn school, did you?" Alex's eyes didn't waver. They were steadily on Fox's face. "What 'obvious declaration' would that be?" Fox couldn't believe how stupidly stubborn Alex was. Was he really going to fight him on this! "That we are two faggots jerking each other off in the locker room any chance we've got! Come on, Alex! You still got one more year of high school left. Do you really want everyone to know?" His face had gone red with frustration. Meanwhile, Alex's had turned unnaturally pale. "Two faggots jerking each other off? Is that how you think of us?" The silence that came from Fox after he had asked that question, was all the answer he needed. He shook his head in disbelief and said in a low voice. "I can't believe it!" Michael had begun to move towards the door. "I'll leave you two..." Alex flicked his head in his direction. "Don't! I'll go!" The hurt Michael managed to see in his friend's face before Alex had walked past him and out the front door, made his stomach flip in sympathy. "Alex!" With one last, angry look at the senior standing in the kitchen, Michael ran out after his best friend. Fox watched him go, heard the front door slam shut for the second time, and gripped the edges of the kitchen table fiercely. Damn! Damn it to hell! Fucking piece of fucking shit! Why did this have to happen? A sound from the door made him look up, hoping it was Alex coming back. It wasn't. It was his mother, standing in the kitchen doorway, looking straight at him. "Sit down, Fox." It was not an order, but her voice had enough ice in it to make Fox plant himself in the chair she had drawn out for him without any further resistance. They looked at each other across the table for a minute. Then she broke the silence. "What are you doing, Fox?" Fox flinched under her hard, scrutinizing gaze. So this was Alex's mom when she was NOT happy. He could now understand how she had managed to keep Alex under control by herself. Her son probably knew better than to mess with her. "What do you mean, Mrs K?" He had turned red already before he had asked the question. She didn't let up her cold stare. "What. Are. You. Doing. Fox?" He cringed. This was worse than coach Johnson on a bad day. "I-I don't understand." "Well then, let me explain it out to you." Her voice was alarmingly calm. "What was that I just witnessed in the kitchen?" "I...I..." What could he say to explain his behavior to her? The truth, maybe. "I am taking my ex girlfriend to the prom. Alex thought I would take him. He got mad, I guess." "You guess?" He refused to look at her. He thought he might start to cry if he did. "I don't understand! What do you expect from me? Should I stand up and tell the whole school, all my friends on the team, my coach for fuck's sake, that I am dating another guy? Is that what you want? Will you be happy then?" She hadn't even blinked during his outburst. Man, was she made of steel or what? "Maybe it would make you happy, Fox? Did you ever think of that?" He let the anger drain away. It didn't do him any good anyway. "No. I didn't. 'Cause it wouldn't. Not yet." There was another long moment of silence passing between the two sitting facing each other across the table. Fox felt like he would break down from the burning gaze of the kind, knowing woman looking at him. He made a decision. He would talk to her. Raising his eyes to meet hers, he said; "Mrs. K..." "Call me Bridget." "Okay. Bridget." It felt weird to call Alex's mom by her first name, but he did as she had asked him. "My parents don't know about...me and Alex. There is no way I could ever tell them, not if I wanted to keep living under their roof." She began to interrupt, but he stopped her. "No, wait. Let me say this. I care a lot about Alex. A lot. Ok?" She nodded, her eyes turning softer. "I don't want to lose him. But I can't be open about it, like he seems to want me to. He wants us to be discreet but open, and he thinks that the fact that I don't is because I don't love him enough, but...that's not the reason. He doesn't know how it is for me. I mean, hell, he has you for a mother, and...he just doesn't know!" She bit her lip but kept silent. The coldness in her eyes was almost completely gone, replaced instead by understanding and overwhelming sympathy. Fox continued, encouraged. "My parents expect me to take a nice girl to my senior prom. So that's what I am going to do. I will hate it, but that's what I will do." His voice almost broke. Almost. "So, do you see what I am talking about now, Bridget?" The slender woman sitting opposite him reached out her hand and placed over his trembling one. "Fox," she said. "I understand. Maybe Alex won't, but I do." She increased the pressure of her grip, as if she thought he might stand up and leave. "Now hear what I am saying! You are 18. Soon you will graduate from High School and you will go on to college. You will move out from your parents' house, and once you are living on your own you can do whatever you want to. If you want to keep seeing my son you can do that, either here or wherever you feel comfortable with it. You can be happy. And then, maybe some day, you won't be so scared about your parents finding out. And if they can't understand, then I want you to know that you will always be welcome here, ok! Always! Whether you and Alex stay together or not." She had finished her speech, and as soon as she had, she noticed that Fox's eyes had gone moist and blank. She felt her own eyes well up with tears as well, scolding herself for it, but not hiding it from the boy across the table. They sat like that, her hand still holding his over the tablecloth, for a long moment. Three days later... Fox was dancing with Lisa. The big dance floor was packed with couples in glittering dresses and black tuxedos, all moving around to the beating music and the blinking lights on the ceiling. On one wall hung a long banderole with the words "Dance Until the Strike of Midnight" written in velvet blue, the color of the GHS Graduation Prom, on white background, and the walls and floor were covered in similar colored decorations. It looked incredible, and Fox found it hard to believe that this was the same gym where he had played basketball in P.E class just three days ago. He also found it hard to believe he actually enjoyed himself. The day had been awful! He had spent it mostly in his room, trying to hide from his mom's attention and from her "my-little-boy-on-his-senior-prom-I-can't-believe-how-fast-the-years-go-by" declarations and -at one point- even teary outbursts. He didn't want to hurt her, but he just couldn't stand to hear it every time he entered the room where she was ironing his tux or fixing Lisa's carnation. Especially since the thought of going to Prom had no appeal to him whatsoever. Quite a few times during the Day Horrible, he was on the verge of just getting on the phone to call Alex and beg him for forgiveness, but he stopped himself every time. He just couldn't. Partly because he couldn't stand to disappoint his excited parents, and partly because he saw no reason why Alex would forgive him for his behavior. So he had been wrong. He shouldn't have decided to go with Lisa. He should have gone alone, just like Alex was going alone, and by that proving to the young junior that he cared more about him than anything else. But he hadn't decided that. He hadn't been able to. Too many people were expecting too much from him. And he just couldn't resist. They hadn't talked for three days, he and Alex. Well, not talked for real anyway. There had been the usual "Hey!" and "See you!" at school and even the occasional secret smiles and brief hugs. But it was not the same. There was something, something very fragile, between them that had been broken. Could it be fixed? Maybe. Maybe not. But Fox didn't even know if he wanted it to be fixed, or if he even deserved it to be. He had managed to really hurt Alex. Again. Was he really worthy of any forgiveness? When he had picked up Lisa at her house, she had met him in the door, looking stunningly beautiful in a long, plain, green dress, and her hair falling freely down over her shoulders. His parents who had come with over to Lisa's house oooh-ed and aaaw-ed over her appearance, but she seemed more bothered by their compliments than flattered although she did make an effort not to show it. He knew why. She hadn't really wanted to go to Prom with him, at least not after she found out about him and Alex, but he had begged her not to break their date and now here she was, playing the role of the nice girlfriend, once again showing her admirable devotion to her close friends. A quality he obviously lacked completely. The car ride over to the school building had been pretty stiff, as none of them had felt much like talking. So that's why, now, on the dance floor when Fox found he actually had a nice time, he was taken by total surprise. He had had fun conversations with his school buddies. He had had some punch. He had shared a few old jokes with Lisa. He had danced. He had even managed to get Alex into a quiet corner at one point in the evening and asked him if everything was alright, and the junior had just shrugged and said fine, and then even offered Fox one of those warm smiles that had him buzzing from head to toe as he got into yet another dance with Lisa. So, all in all, the night hadn't been as awful as he had dreaded. And now it was close to the end. It was well after "the strike of midnight", and they were preparing to leave and head up to the lake where the post-prom gathering would be held. Fox was standing by the front door, leaning onto the wall, waiting for Lisa to finish up in the restroom. He felt a bit tired, but was looking forward to get out into the night air to breathe some energy into his body. And that was when he saw him. He hadn't seen Alex for a while, not since they announced the last dance and he and Lisa had made their way back on to the floor for some close dancing. But now he spotted the dark-haired boy sitting alone at one of the large tables closest to the window, resting his head heavily on his hands, looking as if he was temporarily unaware of the surroundings. The sight hit Fox hard, like a blow to the stomach, making him catch his breath in sudden heart-wrench. I wonder what he is thinking about was his first thought. Me? was his second. The junior sat unmoving, his jacket hanging on the chair beside him, the fly untied and hanging loosely around the hem of the cream white shirt he was wearing, his posture looking tired and weary. He sat with his face hidden from view, as if he was completely lost in his own world, isolated from everything going on around him. He looked so sad, Fox felt like crying. This was supposed to be Alex's night too. Somehow, Fox didn't think it had been very special. Because of him. Then Alex looked up from his head-bowed position and caught Fox standing by the wall, staring at him. The younger boy gave a small, superficial smile and a wave with the hand as if to say "don't worry", and somehow that made Fox feel even sadder. Then he felt Lisa standing beside him, but when he looked down at her she wasn't looking at him but straight across the room at Alex, the two of them exchanging looks and silent nods of acknowledgements, and then she and Fox were going out into the cool night air, leaving Alex sitting alone inside. Getting into the car after opening the door for Lisa first, Fox turned the ignition and started driving out from the parking lot, his mind not on the road, or on the night that lay behind them or even on the girl sitting beside him. All he could think about was Alex's green eyes as they met his over the distance of the large gym. That silent communication. That sadness in those eyes. He had left him there. Alone. And now he felt sick with regret. It was like his heart had been ripped out of his chest and taken away everything which was good in his world, with one look into that sad, rejected face. They had almost reached the intersection when Lisa spoke, breaking the silence in the car. "Stop by the curb up there, please." He began to ask why, but then just did what she said. After putting the shift in park, he turned to look at her sitting in the passenger seat. "Lisa, what..." "I'm going home, Fox." Alex was sitting in the back seat of Michael's father's Volvo, staring unseeingly out the window, his whole body showing how weary he felt. Up front, Michael and Melanie had stopped trying to indulge him in conversations, and were now quietly chatting with each other as they drove towards the lake. Alex was grateful to them, both for having taken him under their friendly wings all night, making the evening at least somewhat bearable, but mostly for giving him the time he now needed for contemplation. By himself. He knew that Fox felt bad about tonight. He might have had fun, but there had been a couple of times during the evening that Alex had seen Fox look over at him with that regretful expression on his face, letting Alex know he missed him. So Fox missed him. That didn't change the fact that he had decided to take his ex girlfriend to Prom. Alex felt hurt. He also felt for Fox. It couldn't have been easy for the senior to be forced to live up to all those expectations from his parents and from his friends at school, and Alex knew he had only done what he felt he had to do. But. Still. He sighed and leaned his forehead against the window, seeing his own reflection up close, looking into his own eyes. Seeing the tears form there. Suddenly, making a decision. "Michael, stop!" "Why do you want to go home? We're about to go up to the lake and...." "Fox! Please! Just do what I ask!" He looked over at her, searching her face, trying to access what he should do. "Why?" He finally asked softly. Lisa sighed. "Let's just end this night early, shall we. To tell you the truth, the look on Alex's face when we left the gym together still haunts me, and I've really lost all interest in going up to that damn lake with you!" Fox blinked. He didn't know what to say. What could he say to something like that. "Lisa, I'm...it's your senior Prom!" She smiled then, her face brightening up and her eyes once again fixing lovingly on him. "There'll be other nights in my life, I am sure, that will be more 'magical' than this one. It's only a High School dance, Fox. I want to get home, and I want you to start doing some damage control, preferably tonight!" "You mean..." "I mean Alex, Fox! Just fix the damn mess you made for you two, will you! Me, I'm going to go home and get under my fluffy bed covers. Deal?" After Michael had dropped him off by the side of the road, not without a litany of "please, Alex" and "forget about that stupid fucker" (which, in this context, would be Fox), Alex began to slowly walk back into town. The night air was cool and a nice breeze stoked his overheated skin. It felt good to be out of that car. It felt good to be alone. He could admit to himself that the night had been awful. The intense feeling of being rejected by the one he wanted to please so much had only magnified every time he's seen Fox dancing with Lisa, laughing and joking with his football buddies. He had felt...left out. Not good enough. He knew it was silly. Fox was in love with him. It was just more complicated because they couldn't show their feelings in public. Alex needed to be open about his feelings. He needed for them to be answered just as openly. He didn't want to feel ashamed. He wanted...more. A lot more. He wanted feelings and passion and roughness and shouting and holding and sharing. He wanted all of it. Now. Would it always be like this, having a relationship? Would it always be secret and shameful and hidden? A life full of stolen kisses in the dark? Was that what he wanted? No. Definitely not! There was a car coming towards him on the road. The headlights blinded him and he bowed his head to shield his eyes until the car had passed. As the sound of the engine became louder and louder, he wondered, for just a brief moment, how much it would hurt to take a step out and let it hit him head on. Probably not at all. He probably wouldn't even have time to feel it. When the car had almost passed him, it suddenly made a violent stop, tires shrieking, and then began to back up until it was right next to him. The side window was then quickly being rolled down. "Alex!" Fox's voice was full of disbelief, worry and, maybe, relief. "Alex, get in!" Alex didn't say anything, didn't even look at the owner of the voice, but just slid into the empty passenger seat and closed the door. Looking straight out the front window, he asked; "Where is Lisa?" "She wanted to go home." Did he sound guilty? "Oh." "Where is Michael and Melanie?" "I asked them to drop me off." "Okay." Then there was only silence in the car for a long moment. Only when Alex had started to think that there would be no more words spoken until they had reached his house, Fox's low and soft voice came to him over the sound of the motor. "You look really good in a tux, Alex." Alex frowned at this. It wasn't exactly what he had been expecting to hear. "Yeah?" "Yeah! I...it took all my strength not to just walk up to you and kiss you." Fox sounded a bit uncertain, as if he didn't know if he should have said that. Alex felt a faint buzzing starting in his stomach. But he wouldn't let him off that easily, not just yet. "Well, you sure kept yourself in check all night," he replied therefore. The senior let the statement sink in, and then sighed deeply, steered the car on to the side of the road, and stopped. "Alex," he said in a small voice. "I don't want it to be over between us." Alex breathed in. And then out. Relaxing. "I don't want that either." "Then...what do we do?" The younger boy thought about this a moment, rubbing his tired eyes and then seemingly coming to a decision. "Here!" He pulled something out of his pocket and carelessly tossed it into Fox's lap. "I bought you something for tonight. Might as well give it to you." He carried on looking out the window as Fox unwrapped the gift and gasped at the sight of the homemade necklace. "Alex its...I...don't know what to say!" seeing the look in the junior's eyes, he realized he had better come up with something. "I really like it!" As much as he tried to hide it, Alex couldn't help a smile to break out on his face. "You do?" "Hell yes!" They sat, staring into each other's eyes for a long moment, both searching for something to say, and both failing at finding anything. Finally, Fox cleared his throat and said; "Alex. I...I just want to say how sorry I am for ruining your Prom night." Alex lowered his eyes and bit his lip to try to keep a tear from welling up in his eyes. He didn't want to cry in front of Fox. But it had been a long night, and he was tired. Continuing to bite his lips savagely and swallowing hard, he closed his eyes as he felt Fox tilt his chin up gently. "Look at me, Alex." He did. And saw. Fox's voice was soft, but emphatic. "Alex, I can see you are upset. You don't have to pretend like you're not." Alex still didn't -couldn't- speak. So Fox continued. "And I know you are beating up on yourself too. You always are. It's like...you totally lack that part of your brain that would tell you to just yell at me for hurting you, and then watch me crawl back on my knees, begging your forgiveness." Alex had to give a weak smile at the image. Fox frowned. "I'm serious! It's like you put yourself on the edge, for everyone to take a shot at if they like, in some stupid plan to please everyone, and you almost seem to enjoy it. Why do you enjoy being careless, Alex?" The younger boy seemed to shrink under his gaze, bowing his head, and answering in a low, apologetic voice. "I don't know." "Well, find out then!" Fox was sounding frustrated now. "If you want us to...if you want me...if you want..." Here Fox stopped. What did Alex want? He realized didn't know the answer to that. Alex saw the hesitance in Fox's face, and hurriedly reached out to lay a hand on the arm that was gripping the steering wheel. "I want to, Fox." Openly. As always. Fox let out a breath he didn't know he had been holding for, probably, three days now, exhaling loudly and visibly. He hadn't known if Alex would want him back. Now he did. Alex continued. "But you have to promise to be more okay about it, about us. I don't want to be in a relationship with someone who acts like he's ashamed of me." At the word relationship, Fox's heart leapt into his throat. His eyes softened as he looked at the junior and nodded. "And you have to promise to be more careful, okay? I don't want to be with someone who makes me worried all the time." Alex met his eyes, and a small smile formed on his lips. "Okay. I promise." Fox returned the smile. "Yeah, me too." There was a moment of silence in the car, and then Fox thrummed his fingers on the instrument board and asked; "So, you still want to go home?" Alex shook his head slowly. "Actually I would like to go to the lake. If...if you don't mind, that is." Fox's smile widened. "I don't mind." "Let's go then!" It was a quite lovely, late spring night, and if you looked up over the treetops you could make out all of the stars in the clear, dark sky there. Alex had been watching them for a while now, trying to see if he could remember any of the constellations. The cool night air swept over his body and he couldn't help a small shiver to slip out. Fox must have felt it too, because in the next moment he had wrapped an arm around Alex's waist and pulled him a bit closer. Then the arm had been removed again, but it was still good, they were still sitting very close together. Alex smiled up at the sky. It was still good enough. Had to be. There were many other people at the lake, Michael and Melanie sitting on the closest blanket, but no one looked at them. Everyone was a bit tired and there was a rueful, yet friendly atmosphere in the place. Everyone had calmed down now. It was very late, or very early, depending on how you looked at it. Alex could feel Fox's sitting beside him in every place that they were touching, on their thighs, their arms, their shoulders. He wanted to just lean his head against the strong, warm body next to him and drift away for a while, but he knew he couldn't. Shouldn't. He didn't want to push Fox too hard, and had to contain himself with the knowledge that in time this would become easier and easier. Maybe, one day, it would no longer be an issue any more. With anyone. He would look forward to that, he thought as he tilted his head back. While listening to each comforting breath Fox took, Alex returned to gaze up at the stars. Feeling hopeful. Part Three: Initiatives and Impulses Graduation day... It was the day of graduation at Georgefield High, and the air in the gymnasium was buzzing with cheering, applause and excitement. One by one, the seniors dressed in caps and gowns walked up to the podium to receive their certificate and the handshake from the principal. One by one, they walked back to their respective seats, smiling under the sound of the audience's cheering. They were now no longer the boys and girls of GHS' senior class. They were men and women getting ready for the Real World. The ceremony ended. The caps flew in the air. The boys and girls turned men and women walked out of the gymnasium, out of high school, into the future. Alex was standing right outside the double doors, waiting for Fox to come out. He had been one of the junior ushers, dressed in a white gown and similar cap, and for a moment he closed his eyes and imagined that it was his graduation today, that it was he who had just received his diploma during applause and cheers. He opened his eyes again. Nope. Not yet. Not for another year. One more year. Briefly, he thought about what Fox had told him last night, at the pre-graduation party when they had temporarily locked themselves into one of the bathrooms for a quick embrace and some hurriedly whispered endearments. Fox had held him close, looked deep into his eyes while stroking a strand of hair off his forehead, and said, "One more year, Alex, then it's your turn and then..." A quick kiss on his lips. "...Then we'll be together for real. Okay?" Alex had blinked, then nodded. "Okay." They had discussed this before. Fox was going away to a college upstate in the fall, and since Alex had to finish his last year of high school, they realized that they wouldn't be able to see each other very much during that year. A couple of days every month, maybe more, maybe less. It depended on whenever Fox could get home for the weekend, which he promised would be as often as possible, or on how many times Alex could come up to visit him in his dorm, whenever his roommate was out. Alex had felt something cold run down his spine then, standing in that locked bathroom on the night before Fox's graduation. Sadness. Worry. Fear. He had turned in the embrace and buried his face in Fox's shoulder. "Hold me," he had asked, pathetically, trembling, and Fox had done just that. Held him close, letting him feel every part of him, pressing his cheek against the steady heartbeat underneath the soft shirt. Alex had closed his eyes for a moment and inhaled the scent of Fox, and then he had pulled away and taken a step back, looking up into Fox's warm brown eyes. "I'll go out first," he had said, hoping he sounded casual and not as desperate as he felt. "Wait a couple of minutes and then you follow. Okay?" Fox had nodded, and then he had taken a step forward, bending down and pressing their foreheads together in a short affirmation of...something. "Okay." And then they had separated. And then the party had continued as before. Now he was standing here in the hall, waiting for Fox. And there he was, there he came out through the double doors arm in arm with Lisa, his whole face bright with laughter and happiness, his voice sounding both excited and relieved. A couple of his friends from the football team were also waiting for him, and they all formed some sort of group-hug thing, cheering and jumping up and down. As soon as another one of them came through the doors, he was immediately drawn into the big circle for some more cheering. Someone, maybe Fox, tried to force Lisa into the ring as well, but she just laughed and shook her head, instead joining some of her girlfriends who had just exited the gymnasium. Alex stood perfectly still by the wall, watching the whole thing from a distance. He knew he should let Fox celebrate with his teammates, and he didn't want to intrude. He didn't, as a matter of fact, dare to. Because, well, it was kinda stupid, but still... Because what would happen if he approached them and Fox just ignored him? Could he live through something as embarrassing as that? Of course, he knew Fox would never do that, would never ever treat him in that way. He knew that. Didn't he? He remained by the wall. Watching. Suddenly he felt that someone was standing by his side, and when he looked to the left he met Lisa Anderson's blue eyes and tentative smile. "Hey Alex," she said. She was obviously not sure what else to say, so he smiled back, gave her a hug and mumbled, "Congratulations," into her ear. She pulled back slightly, gave him another tentative look, and then quickly kissed him on the cheek. She smelled of fresh soap and mint, and he couldn't help but grin widely at her. He wondered if she could smell Fox on him, from last night. He hadn't showered. Hadn't wanted to. She patted his cheek in a friendly gesture, then disappeared down the hall with the rest of her girlfriends. Alex leaned his back against the wall again, trying to look as cool and comfortable as possible, as if he was just waiting for a friend to join him or something. In the corner of his eyes, he saw the big jock-group-hug-thingy start to break up, and he shrunk even further into the stone wall. Had he not been wearing that stupid white gown, he would have put his hands in his pockets for even better emphasizing the "I'm-totally-cool" look.. Now he just crossed his arms in front of him and stared unseeingly out through the open front doors. "Alex!" He turned his head back again at the sound, pretending to not understand where it had come from and who had said it. Fox's happy, sweaty face was coming closer into view, still surrounded by all his friends, and no instinct in the world could stop Alex from immediately responding to it. His answering smile was just as wide as that of his lover. "Fox..." he managed to get out before he was caught by strong arms and pulled into a tight bear hug. He even lifted a bit off the floor, in the process. He felt Fox's warm body and Fox's rapidly beating heart and Fox's hot, fast breath against his cheek, and he floated...He wanted to hold on, to bury his face into the warm neck and to tell the world that this body belonged to him, that no matter what happened after today, Fox was his, and no jock friends, parents or college roommates could take that away. Just as quickly as he was caught, he was now released and instead Fox gave his shoulder a slap and said, "It's over! Can you believe it, it's over!" and Alex grinned but before he could respond someone else yelled "Damn right!" and Fox was once again hurled away and into some sort of group circle, chanting words and cheering loudly. Alex withdrew again, still grinning silly, and took up the rear of the gang on the way out into the warm pre-summer's day. There were many cars on the school parking lot, and people were running back and forth, parents taking pictures, students hugging and crying, teachers giving last lessons of what to expect from now on...Alex saw Michael somewhere in there, hand in hand with Michelle who he knew had an older brother in the graduating class, and he also saw Lisa being hugged by Fox's mom and dad, but otherwise it all seemed chaotic and loud and he felt strangely...detached by the whole scenery. His hat made his head itch and he pulled it off and stuffed it into his pocket. There. That was better. Suddenly he felt a hand on his back and when he turned around his mom was standing there. She smiled, took his hand and said, "Just one more year, Lexei. Then it's your turn." He nodded and blinked a couple of times. "Feels too long." "Hey, let's..." She was grabbing him by his arm, pulling him across the parking space. Only when they where almost there, did he see where she was leading him. Fox was standing with his parents by their car, smiling at everyone congratulating him, hugging, kissing and shaking hands. Alex tried to resist, what if Fox got mad, but his mom was relentless. And it was kinda stupid not to go up to them. He was Fox's friend. He should go up and congratulate him. It would look weird if he didn't. As they came up to the car, Fox's mom smiled at him, "Alex!" she said and he accepted her hug and mumbled "Congratulations" into her ear. She smiled and then Fox's dad said, "Only one more year left for you, son," and Alex nodded and tried not to look disgusted by the stupid promise he had gotten so used to this day. It didn't feel like a promise anymore. It felt like mocking. He then reached Fox, and as Bridget Krycek congratulated Mr. And Mrs. Mulder, he managed to get the older boy by himself for the first time since last night. Well, sort of by himself. In the middle of a parking lot with 400 other people. "Hey," he said lowly. "Hey," Fox answered just as lowly. Then they were both quiet, but the looks they exchanged spoke more than words could. They had gotten used to speaking silently with each other in the months they had been together. Had been forced to, actually. There was one thing, though, that Alex wanted to say. "Hmm, Fox, I...I didn't mean to be in your way when you...I wasn't waiting for you to come up to me...I mean, I was, but you didn't have to in front of all your friends..." Fox interrupted him. "You're my friend, Alex," he said softly. Warmly. "My best friend." His voice lowered a beat. "I wanted to share this day with you more than with anyone else." At the last words they both threw quick glances over at Fox's parents, but neither of them where within hearing distance. Alex felt something swell in his chest. "Congratulations, Fox," he mumbled. "I love you, Alex." Nothing in Fox's face or eyes had prepared Alex for hearing those words, and he jumped and stared wide-eyed at Fox, who stared right back. Never would he have believed Fox would be the first one to say those words, and certainly not so soon. He meant them though. It showed in his eyes and in the way his hands were slightly trembling. Alex swallowed. Fox said nothing. They looked into each other's eyes. Alex swallowed again. "I can't believe you did that," he finally said, slowly. Fox put up an innocent face. "What, said that I love you?" Alex jumped once more at the words. He leaned a tiny bit towards Fox, trying not to draw attention from around them, and whispered in the other boy's ear, "I can't believe you chose a full parking lot with all of our parents right there, to say those words to me. Do you want me to jump you in public?" Fox shrugged. "Couldn't help myself. You look so damn cute in that white gown. Kinda like a little angel. " His voice was now light and teasing. "Yeah? Well, you're not the one to talk, graduation-boy! Cherry red is a great color on you! And the cap is just such a turn-on!" Fox laughed, his eyes promising Alex all sorts of punishments for that little comment. Alex took a deep breath. He couldn't wait. Six months later... It had been six months, almost seven, since Fox's graduation day, and three months since he had left for college. Alex remembered both dates vividly, had them written down in his calendar along with the date of their first kiss, when they first had gone for coffee, and the first time that they had...well, he had all the important dates written down, with little comments next to them, knowing it was probably pretty silly, but not caring. It was now November, and already promising to be a cold, gray, long winter. Alex was sitting in class, waiting for the day to finish, thinking back on all those days. Eight months since their first kiss. Six months since Fox's graduation. Three months since Fox left. So much had happened in that time. It felt much longer. Well, the summer had been pretty calm. Alex and Fox had hung around Alex's house, or spent the days in the Mulder family's swimming pool, being lazy, feeling relaxed and getting very nice sunburns. They had even gone camping one weekend, just the two of them, bringing sleeping bags, food and a tent. Fox's parents helped them pack everything, having no idea just what their son and his friend were planning to do once they were alone out in the woods. Alex smiled at the memory. After having spent all their time together so far being forced to be quiet and careful, it had been such a rush to finally be able to make any kind of sound you wanted, with no one around for miles and miles. And they had. Made sounds. A lot. And they had only used one of the sleeping bags that weekend. But then, mid-summer, Fox had gotten a job in another town and he was gone all day, making it difficult for them to get together very often. Five weeks later, he had left for college. Alex remembered the day he left very vividly. It had been awful, and the worst part had been that he couldn't see Fox off. They had to have their private good-byes the day before. When no one could see them. As always. So, Fox was in college upstate, and Alex started his senior year. By then, some people had started talking about him and about his relationship with Fox, but he couldn't really bring up enough interest to care about it. So people were saying things behind his back, so what? Most of it was probably true, anyway. And the only thing he cared about at this time was Fox. Fox and school. Getting through school so he could be together with Fox. That was it. What his classmates whispered about when he turned his back really wasn't something that concerned him. At one time he had actually asked Michael what it was that people were saying. Michael had looked away and said, "They say that you lusted after Fox the whole last year." Alex had shrugged. "Well I did." "Yeah." Michael had blushed a little and said, "They also say that you used to...suck him off in the parking lot behind the gym after practice." "That's a damn lie!" Michael had blushed a little bit deeper. "Okay." Then Alex had let a wicked smile break out on his face. "It was just that one time, and my knees hurt like hell afterwards. Damn that hard asphalt ground!" "Alex!" It wasn't until the last week in October that Alex was able to go up and see Fox at his college. It turned out his roommate was a very nice guy who was a literature student, loved old movies and had no problem with Fox having a boyfriend coming up to visit him at all. He had gotten Fox to admit to his sexuality almost the first day, and after that there had been no trouble about it whatsoever. Alex found that he really liked the guy, Blair, and that weekend in October the three of them had spent a lot of time together, walking around campus, going to museums, just hanging out. Then, late in the evening, Blair had collected some things and gone out of the room with a, "I'm sleeping at a friend's place" and a wave. And then he was gone, leaving Fox and Alex to rediscover each other in private. It had been a lovely weekend. Just lovely. It had been one of the first really cold nights that fall, and the two of them had curled together under the blanket on Fox's single bed, making each other feel warm despite the freezing temperature outside. Even now, sitting in the classroom and waiting for the bell to ring, Alex had to suppress a grin at the thought of that weekend at Fox's college. Fox, the sneaky bastard, had learned a new word at that time, which he wanted to tell Alex about. He hadn't said it right out, though, the word. It started with an r- and ended with -imjob. Now Alex knew that word as well. The smile he had tried to suppress now crept up on his face, and he had to burrow his head in his hands to stop anyone from seeing him grinning madly to himself. That weekend had been one of the best in his life so far, and when he had returned back from it, he had felt like the happiest person alive. It was after that things had started to go bad. Once he was back home. Having spent two nights, and the occasional morning or evening shower -oh, and not to forget the after-lunch quickie in Fox's car surrounded by take-aways and shopping bags- being seriously kissed, licked, sucked and...eh, rimmed, Alex came back home again feeling tired but happy, nursing thoughts about what new word he should learn until the next time, and wondering if life would always be this good. Turned out the answer to that last question was a definite nope, not by a long shot! For a whole week, Fox didn't call. That weekend Alex spent sitting at home, staring at the phone and wondering why it didn't ring. When he finally managed to force himself to pick it up and call Fox's home, Fox's mom told him that no, Fox wouldn't come home this weekend because there was some college game on Saturday that he didn't want to miss, and then graciously told Alex to try again "some other time.". Alex hung up feeling a bit numb. He didn't know what to think. Why hadn't Fox called him and said he wouldn't be home? More importantly, why had he decided to give up seeing Alex for two weeks just because of some game? And had that really been the reason? The week that followed went by agonizingly slowly. Alex went to school, sat in the classroom, went home, did his homework, and then went to bed. Once there, he either lay awake staring up at the ceiling, or he slept, dreaming disturbing dreams about losing Fox. He didn't cry though. He didn't know if he should. It was still a bit confusing, and he couldn't figure out what he was supposed to feel. The confusion stopped and turned into full-on heartbreak on Saturday. He knew Fox would be home that weekend, not just because that he had missed the last one, but also because this weekend was Fox's birthday. He would be home. For sure. Not having seen him for two weeks, Alex found himself waking up on Saturday almost shaking with excitement. He tried to calm down, but the buzz in his stomach just wouldn't be forced down and he soon gave up trying. At noon, Fox still hadn't called. Alex began to worry. The buzz turned to slow pain. At 2 pm he finally called himself. Fox answered on the first ring, and when Alex heard his lover's voice for the first time in fourteen days, he couldn't help a tingle rush down his spine and a smile break out on his face. "Fox? Its'...it's me." "Alex!" The warmth that immediately appeared in Fox's voice was enough to sooth all of Alex's worries at once. Fox sounded happy that he called. At that moment, it was all that Alex wanted. "Happy birthday, Fox." "Thanks." "How...how was the game last weekend?" "Fine." Alex felt himself hesitate a bit. The warmth in Fox's voice was still there, but the conversation felt strained. He sweated a little, trying to think of what would be the right thing to say. "So...when can we meet? I have a birthday present for you, you know." He said it in what he hoped was a light tone, maybe a bit teasing, but he was feeling more desperate than he had wanted to. He threw a glance at the gift laying on his bed, neatly wrapped and decorated with a string. It was something he had picked out already three weeks ago, when he had seen it in a store and just knew he had to buy it. It was a T-shirt, black and rather tight, with the words "Foxy Lady" in large neon-green letters on the front. He had thought that Fox could wear it if they ever managed to go out to one of the gay clubs, that they had been talking about for months now. Alex was the one to most push that particular subject. He couldn't wait to be able to dance and make-out in public. So when he saw the T-shirt he decided upon it immediately. He had smiled the whole way home from the store. Now he wasn't sure what Fox would think about it. It seemed more silly than anything else. Nervously flicking a string on the wrapped present, he heard Fox's voice lower and turn into half a whisper. "I'm sorry, Alex, I don't know when we can see each other this weekend. Not today, anyway. Maybe tomorrow night. I'll have to see." And then there was another "sorry," and Alex wanted to say something, but Fox continued, still sounding guilty. "It's just too much stuff right now, you know. My parents have made some plans and they invited some people and..." And that's when Alex heard the noise in the background. People talking. Glasses clinking. Some soft music. He grasped the phone tighter and said into the speaker, "B-But... It's your birthday, Fox." Shouldn't they be together? No matter what kind of plans his parents had made? Wasn't that how it should be? Surely they should be together? Fox's voice was apologetic as it said, "Yeah, I know, but I just...can't." A deep sigh reached Alex's ears. "Maybe a short time tomorrow night, before I leave. I could drive over on my way to..." People where talking in the background. He couldn't make out any words, but he could hear them. Talking, laughing, joking. Drinking. Eating. Alex stopped fiddling with the string. He sat straight up on the bed. If he tuned out Fox's babble, he could almost make out familiar voices in the soft background noise. Voices belonging to people he knew. "Who's there?" Fox stopped mid-sentence and seemed surprised for a moment. "Uh, well, just some relatives and a couple of friends of my parents, and then Lisa and her parents, and..." Alex suddenly felt a wave of heat rise in him. Somehow it stilled the worried tingles in his stomach. He stopped clutching the phone. His breathing evened out. "Lisa's there?" Alex couldn't believe how calm his voice sounded. Where did this come from? It was like he stopped feeling altogether. Like he was numb. Fox's voice came to him from a distance. "Yeah, but it's not...I mean, they always come to my birthday and I couldn't..." And then there was the sound of a loud "click." At first he thought Fox had hung up the phone, but then he understood that the sound had come from within his own head. "No," Alex interrupted him slowly. In his head, things started to fit together in a way they hadn't done before, not seriously anyway. "You couldn't. And you're never going to be able to either, are you Fox?" Fox sounded genuinely surprised. "W-what? Alex, I...they...it's only because it's my birthday and they...my parents..." "Shut up," Alex said into the phone, still amazed at how his voice sounded like it just asked about the weather or something. Silence met this declaration on the other line, and Alex didn't wait for a response either. "Just shut up! I understand. I won't come over. You have what you want, Fox. A present from me will be a bit over-the-top, don't you think?" "Alex, wait, I didn't mean..." He could almost hear Fox struggling to get back control over the situation. "How about I swing by later tonight, when everybody has gone and..." "That won't be necessary," Alex said. "I can just put your present in the mail and that way neither of us has to see each other. Okay?" And then he hung up. Cutting off Fox's stream of words with a now audible 'click' in his ear. And then he lay back on the bed, Fox's gift in a loose grip and eyes glued to the ceiling above. Unseeing. Feeling numb. That had all happened three weeks ago. Alex let his eyes search the cold, gray sky outside the classroom, thinking back on the painful recent memories. As Alex lay on the bed holding Fox's present, the phone had rung again and then Alex's mom had come into his room saying that it was for him and he just closed his eyes and shook his head. She disappeared again. Then came back. "Alex." The bed dipped as she sat down next to him. "Tell me what's wrong, Lexei? Did you have a fight?" He just kept squeezing his eyes together and said nothing. He felt her hand come down on his hair, gently stroking it. "Okay, honey. You don't have to tell me." For the next two weeks, Alex didn't talk to anyone. He went to school, kept his head down, came back home and lay on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He stopped eating. His mom got really worried. "You have to eat, Alex!" He complied, too tired to fight her, and ate what she put down in front of him. Fox phoned several times. Alex didn't talk to him once. Michael came over. Alex said he wasn't in the mood to hang out. Michael just ignored him, went straight up to the bed and got into it, putting one arm around Alex. Then they lay like that for a while. Neither of them speaking. Not much to say, really. When two weeks had gone by, on a Sunday, the phone rang again. Alex could hear his mom answer in the distance, saying "Yes. Oh, hello Fox," and he sighed and closed his eyes, and then he heard her voice saying "Yeah, sure, Friday's fine! I'll tell Alex..." In two seconds, Alex was on his feet, racing across the living room into the kitchen, and taking the phone from his mom's hands. "Fox," he said into the speaker. This was met by silence from the other end, then a weak, "Alex? Oh, man, finally, I..." "Don't," Alex rasped out, momentarily interrupting Fox's stream of words. "Alex, I just want to see you and we have to talk about thi..." "Don't come over." A new long silence from Fox. Then the older boy said, "Why, Alex? Why are you doing this?" And that's when Alex realized that he was angry. Before, he hadn't really known what he was feeling, except for cold and numb, but now he could feel it running through him, through every vein in his body, making his face flush and his breath catch in his throat. "Me...doing...this? Why am I doing this?" The fury he was feeling made it difficult for him to get the words out, but he managed to do it with his voice raised several octaves. "You bastard! You...fucking asshole!" "Alex, please calm down and let me..." "No!" "I don't know what I've done that..." "No!" "ALEX GOD DAMN YOU JUST LISTEN TO ME!" The responding anger in Fox's voice was what finally calmed Alex down. He took a deep breath, exhaled, and then said, "You don't know why I don't want to see you?" "No, I don't." Another deep breath. "Well, see, that's exactly it." "That I don't know?" "It was your birthday, Fox!" The heat made Alex's hesitation disappear, and the words just flew out of him and into the phone-line. "It was your birthday and I had bought you a gift and you didn't even want to see me, you made it sound as if I was just an...inconvenience or something. I am suppose to be your boyfriend, Fox. But I don't feel like I am in a relationship with you. This is not a fucking relationship, okay?" A deep sigh was heard from the other end. Fox sounded sad and tired when he said, "I...You know how I feel about you, Alex. But it's...I can't...it's just very complicated and I guess I thought you knew this, I thought you understood, but clearly I was wrong and we should talk about this." Alex swallowed. "I understand one thing, Fox, that I would never treat you the way you treat me, but you've been doing it from day fucking one." "Alex, just listen to me...we can work this out!" "No! It's been a problem since the start and it's still the same fucking problem." "But we can try to..." "No, Fox!" The voice on the line started to sound almost desperate now, something that a part of Alex couldn't help but enjoy. "What...What do you want me to do?" Defeat. Or, as near defeat as he would come. Alex pressed the phone closer to his mouth, and said, "Don't. Come. Over." Then he hung up. Leaned his forehead against the wall for a moment. Turned around, and saw his mom stand in the doorway, having overheard the whole conversation. And then he began to cry. Fox had said he would come over Friday. Alex had said don't. On Thursday, Alex put on a nice-looking shirt and some black jeans and went out. Taking the bus, he headed for a larger town a few miles away, going to a part of it where he hadn't been before. The "gay" block. Well, it wasn't so much a block as just a bar named "Secret Garden", known for having a gay and bisexual clientele, but for a seventeen-year-old Alex who so far had only gone to a couple of supervised High School dances, it looked like heaven. Of course, being seventeen, there was a problem already in the door. "And how old are you?" a scary-looking doorman asked, skimming Alex's small figure up and down. The man looked like he ate under-aged kids for breakfast. Alex immediately panicked. "Sevent...Eighteen," he said weakly. The doorman tilted his head and seemed to estimate which part of him to eat first. "Really?" he asked. "Y-yes," Alex stammered, feeling the stares of the people behind him in the queue. He started to blush, hoping it wouldn't show in the relative darkness outside. The big man tilted his head, suddenly getting a sparkle in his eyes, and asked. "First time?" Alex now only nodded, lowering his eyes to the ground to avoid the doorman's gaze and the looks from those behind him, fearful he might start to cry if he opened his mouth. He felt stupid. Like a little kid, trying to get in somewhere where he clearly didn't belong. He distinctly heard someone in the queue laugh. Was it at him? In Alex's head there was no doubt that it was. He was preparing to back away, to take the long walk back to the bus stop and get on the first bus home. He already began moving slightly away from the door, when, suddenly... The doorman took a step aside, made a gesture with his hand, and bellowed, "Welcome to The Garden! Have a nice evening!" Then he blinked at Alex, once, laughing when Alex almost stumbled on his feet in his hurry to get past him and inside the door. Once inside he took a deep breath, tried to calm himself down, and looked around the place. The bar wasn't packed, and the music pouring out through the speakers wasn't too loud. Some people were on the dance floor, but mostly the bar seemed like a place to drink and chat. On the walls were huge paintings of men with men and women with women, and there was a soft light inside the place. Alex decided that having been so lucky with the doorman, he wouldn't test fate by trying to buy a drink. Instead he went up to the bar, ordered a coke as casually as he could, and the leaned back against the counter, sipping the drink and looking around. Most people in there were in their twenties, mostly male although he was sure it was a place for women as well, and everybody seemed cool and casual, making Alex feel like some farm boy from the country. He was busy wondering if he shouldn't have worn his sneakers, when a voice cut through his thoughts from the left. "You here alone?" Jumping and almost spilling his coke, Alex turned the way the voice had come from and met a pair of friendly eyes and a smiling face. The man that had asked him the question was a little bit older the rest of the crowd, probably in his late thirties, and he was tall, nice-looking, and grinning widely. He also had a pair of sneakers on, and Alex suddenly decided that he liked him. "Yes." "Looking for someone?" "Yes." The man nodded and scooted down a couple of chairs, planting himself next to Alex. Alex licked his lips and swallowed, feeling his hands become sweaty. He wondered what would happen now. This was something he only saw in movies, but he was determined to make it work. Determined to show Fox. And everybody. The man looked him up and down. "How old are you?" Alex sighed. Was he going to be asked this question all night? "Seventeen." "That's very young." Alex shrugged. "I guess." Then the other man leaned closer, put his mouth right next to Alex's ear, and said, "Tempting, but too young for me." A chuckled followed the words. Alex felt himself tense up and pulled back harshly. He saw the amusement in the other man's eyes, and felt his face heat up again. He hadn't come all the way out here to be teased about his age, he'd come here for...well, not for that anyway. "Then why the hell are you talking to me?" He was going to turn around and leave, but the other man reached out a hand and stopped him. "Sorry, what is your name?" "Alex." He relaxed a bit under the man's touch. Just a bit. "I'm Jack." Alex relaxed a little more. "Hi Jack." "Hi Alex." The man released him and leaned back again. "Can I buy you another...coke?" And then Alex smiled at him, shrugged and said, "Sure! Why not." "Great!" Jack turned out to be a very nice man, and after Alex's hurt pride had calmed down and the other man had bought him five cokes from the bar, he admitted to himself that he enjoyed just sitting and talking with him. He finally admitted this to Jack as well. Jack looked at him a long time, then said, "Can I ask what you were looking for coming here?" Alex lowered his eyes and thought about Fox. "I...uh...I was mad at someone." "Your boyfriend?" Alex nodded, still looking down at the table. "Yes." "So you came here to...what? Hook up with someone for revenge?" Well, put like that it sounded...exactly right. "I...I guess." Jack nodded knowingly, showing that he had been down that road a few times himself. "You're very young to go to a bar and hook up, Alex." This time Alex didn't protest about the age issue. He remained silent and looking away. Jack continued. "Tell me about him." This made Alex jump and meet his sympathetic eyes. "About Fo...my boyfriend?" "Yes." "Okay..." Alex coughed and frowned. What could he say. "He...I...we met at school. We have been...together for a couple of months. Well, we were supposed to be together anyway, but he doesn't seem to want to be anymore." "Is he your first boyfriend?" To Alex, the question seemed weird. Fox was not his first, he was his only one. It was either Fox or no one. Either them together or Alex being alone. That was it. Any other constellations, Alex didn't really see. "Yes." "So he has a hard time being open about it. And you are lovers?" Alex blinked. "Uhm...yeah. You mean...? Yes, of course! I mean, why...why wouldn't we be?" Jack smiled at Alex's apparent confusion. Young love, he thought. Young, healthy, sexually fixated love. But then Alex seemed to realize something, and he cleared his throat again. "I mean, we haven't...not yet. But we have...other things." Now Jack laughed out loud. "Oh, I see. What kind of things?" "Why do you want to know?" "Curious." And Alex found that he wanted to talk about this, that it felt good to finally talk about it with someone who understood, who wasn't too close or too straight or...his mom. He took a deep breath, sipped on his fifth coke, and said, "We haven't fucked. We have tried a lot of other stuff though." A quick look at Jack, who didn't say anything. "I...it has always been great between us, ever since that first time. We seem to...fit. But. Uhm. I. He. I want things to be more...I like it a bit rough at times, I guess." He stopped. Jack's quick nod was encouraging. Alex continued. "Yeah, so we have tried some stuff to see if it makes it better. I like to...we have done it a couple of times with me tied up and it...I like that." "Being tied up?" "Yeah," Alex smiled shyly, remembering the last time he had been in that very position. He had screamed into the pillow until his voice was sore. "And I like it when he...puts a hand over my mouth to keep me quiet while he's on top of me." It was madness to say these things to a complete stranger, but Alex found that he couldn't stop. Now Jack began to squirm a little uncomfortably in his chair. Alex was going to ask if he was okay, when Jack put up a hand to hold him back. "Sorry. I just...don't worry about it. Go on." And that's when Alex noticed that the other man had an erection. He almost gasped when he first saw it, but managed to hold it in and look oblivious to the growing bulge in the man's pants. For a second, the world tilted sideways and lost its focus. His heart was beating and one thought kept entering his mind. He had given this man a hard-on. This man. Jack. And then he got an image of himself not going home after tonight, but going home with Jack. Saying "Can I take care of that for you?" and then go home to his place and tumble down on his bed and...let him. And let him fuck him. Hard. Maybe they wouldn't even make it to the bed but just do it on the couch, on the floor. He'd let Jack fuck him and make him come and then he would say "Thank you for the drinks," and leave and then come back here the next night as well, doing the same thing all over again. And the next after that. And the next and the next and maybe there wasn't 'Fox or no one' but 'Fox or someone else', someone who would make him feel good and then he wouldn't be alone after all... Then the image was gone again and Jack still had a hard-on under his pants, and Alex kept talking. "I think I like it more than Fox, though. He always worries the ties will leave marks on me, but I like that, I...I like it to leave marks. It always makes me...come faster than when we just do it regularly." Jack made a small sound. Alex turned to look at him, straight into his eyes. "You're hard?" It wasn't a question, but at the same time it was. Jack grunted. "Yes." Alex blinked. "You want me to take care of it for you?" Jack grunted again. "No. I don't think so, Alex. Alex blinked again. Jack reached out a hand and brushed a strand of hair out of his eyes. "You're sweet, Alex. Young and sweet. I think you should go home and make it work with this Fox. I think that would make you the most happy." Alex swallowed some more of his coke. Drank up the last in his glass. "You do?" "Yes, Alex." He began to stand up. "Thank you for the drinks," Alex whispered. "RRRRRRRRR" The bell finally rang and everybody rose, collecting their books and exiting the classroom in a buzz of chatter and clapping of feet against hard wooden floor. Alex slowly dragged himself out of his thoughts and walked towards the door. His teacher, Mrs Simmons, stopped him before he managed to make it out of the room. "Alex, can I talk to you for just a second." He stopped and turned to her. She was shorter than he so he had to look down to meet her eyes. They were clear and looking straight into his. "Are you okay, Alex?" He answered, almost on impulse. "Yeah, why?" "You seem a bit...distant." Mrs Simmons had been his classroom teacher since his freshman year. She took a special liking to him already during the first lesson, and always encouraged him to better his grades and to come to her whenever there was any sort of problem. She and his mom got along like...that. The teacher-parent meetings were a riot. Sometimes he felt like he had two moms instead of one. "I'm fine." "Okay." She pushed her glasses back up and chewed on a lip. Then she said, "I've heard some of the...rumors going around." He winced inwardly. What was he supposed to say to that? "I see." "And I just wanted to say that if anyone gives you a hard time, you just come to me, okay Alex?" He nodded. "Yes, ma'am." She let him go. He walked out of the classroom, down the hall, and out through the front doors. He didn't even bother getting his books from the locker, and he had brought his jacket with him to the last class. It was Friday. Fox said he would come over. Alex had said don't. Now he had to wait and see what that all would mean. Fox came over late that afternoon. At 6 pm the doorbell rang and Alex's mom went to let him in. Alex was in the kitchen, washing vegetables, and when he heard the familiar voice from the hallway he carefully turned the tap off and dried his hands on a towel. Just as he turned to the kitchen door, Fox's tall form appeared in it. The two boys looked at each other across the room, and when Alex heard a door close he knew his mom had just left them alone. "Uhm..." Fox cleared his throat. "She said she was gonna go rent a movie." Alex nodded and gave the clock on the wall a quick look. "We have twenty minutes," he said. "What do you want, Fox?" Fox was still standing in the doorway as if he was waiting to be asked in, which Alex didn't do, and then he sighed and began to talk. "I...I know you're mad at me but I...I miss you, Alex. I want to make things okay between us." "Okay." It was not an agreement, Fox could tell. Alex crossed his arms over his chest and stared hard at him over the kitchen table. Fox took a deep breath. "Please, Alex," he said, not wanting his voice to sound as desperate as it did, but not being able to help himself. "Please don't be mad anymore. Please!" Things had been awful the last few weeks, without Alex. Just awful. Alex didn't even blink when hearing Fox's begging tone. He had been expecting something like it, so it didn't really take him by surprise. "Why should I?" Fox stopped and hesitated for a second. He hadn't really expected that, not really. How could Alex even ask such a question? They were meant for each other. "I love you, Alex," he began, but Alex held a hand up and stopped him once again. "No, Fox, don't." The arm lowered but the mental image of it stayed vividly in both boys' minds. "Don't tell me that. I...I can't. You can't do this to me again." Now Fox took a step closer to him, just a step. "Alex, I...Look, I know this is about that day when I said I didn't want you to come over but you have to understand I didn't not want you there. I just couldn't...It's not just about you and me, you know. It's so much more complicated than that." "Well, not for me it isn't." Alex's eyes had steel in them, but his voice was unsteady. "For me, this is about just you and me." Fox sighed as he looked into Alex's eyes, seeing the hurt underneath the anger. "I love you..." he tried again, but the hard steel didn't even waver. He decided to try a different approach. "You know this is hard for me. It's fucked up and a mess and all but that doesn't mean I don't want to be with you, it just..." He pulled his fingers through his hair, in a frustrated gesture. "And you can't expect me to just..." "I think I can," Alex interrupted him. "I think that I have every right to expect you 'to just', for me. And if you can't, then what the hell are you doing here?" "I told you , I lo..." "Don't!" Now Alex's voice cut sharp through the room, and Fox actually jumped at the sound of it. Alex was shaking his head violently. "Don't do this! I don't fucking need this." A long silence filled the room, and then Fox's finally asked, his voice low and uneven. "Is this because I invited Lisa to my birthday?" And Alex felt like he had just imploded. Everything in him seemed to turn into million little pieces. "Fuck, Fox!" he said, feeling the tears he had tried to force back finally start to form in his eyes and fall down his cheeks. "It's -fuck- it's because you didn't invite me. Just like you didn't invite me to go to Prom, or to that party that your friend threw, or when you had that barbecue after winning that game..." "Alex, it was just the guys in the team..." Fox started but Alex didn't let him finish. "Well, fuck that! I bet all the other guys brought someone with them, someone who wasn't in the stupid team!" His tears were practically streaming down his face now, but he didn't care. He wiped impatiently at them with the back of his hand. "Yes, their girlfriends, okay" Fox said, starting to get angry himself. "What do you want, Alex, you want me to bring you with me everywhere and tell everyone that you're my fucking girlfriend?" His voice was icy and the words hit Alex hard. He sniveled, and wiped his eyes again wishing he could just stop crying for just one second so he could tell Fox what he thought without sounding like a big baby. Fox continued. "I thought you understood, Alex," he said. "But you just don't. You just want me to fucking take you wherever I go and fucking...tell...every...fuck!" He threw his hands in the air at the last word to show exactly how unreasonable he thought Alex was. Alex thought he was just going to walk out and slam the door behind him, but for some reason he didn't. And Fox's voice was actually a bit calmer when he said, "I really, really wish you could understand, Alex." "I do." Alex had finally gotten his voice under control. He knew what he had to say. "We could be discreet, Fox, I don't care, but I can't...I can't see that look you get every time you think someone is watching us." "My parents..." "But you moved out, Fox, and you're still the same. I hate this...whatever-it-is we try to pretend we are having. And I...I don't want it...to be it." As soon as he had said it, he knew it was true. He knew it, and he knew that Fox knew it too. He wiped his eyes one last time and stared across the room at Fox's pale face, the face he had watched so many times and which, even after all that had been revealed that evening, still made his stomach flip a little. Fox's eyes met his, only sadness in them now. "Then I guess you don't understand, Alex." "No," Alex said, suddenly very tired. "I guess I don't." Fox looked at him a little longer. Then he turned on his heal and went out from the room. Alex heard the front door close softly a second later. It was over. A week later... The next weekend, Fox stayed away and Alex went out again. He put on a clean shirt, took the bus trip over to the near town, and walked the couple of blocks until he reached the bar with the big neon sign outside. It was the same doorman as last time, and for a moment Alex hesitated -should he really try his luck a second time- but then he pressed his mouth into a firm line and walked straight up to the queue. And would you know, when he reached the front, the doorman took a quick look at his face, gave him a nod and then let him in without so much as a comment about his age. Grateful, Alex stumbled inside. The place was the same as last time, only slightly more people and louder music, because of the weekend. More people were crowding the dance floor than last time, but Alex decided to head straight for the bar. Buying his first coke of the evening. Then he looked around. A part of him was secretly hoping to see Jack again, just to be able to see a familiar face in the crowd, but he wasn't there. He sighed quietly. Then decided to just give the night a chance anyway, and leaned against the counter, waiting for something to happen. Something did happen. A guy, probably around twenty, came up and stood beside Alex at the counter, not saying anything at first, just sipping his drink and staring out at the dance floor. Alex was staring straight ahead too, trying to remain casual. Throwing the guy side glances every now and then. He was kind of cute, he noticed, with brown hair and a nice profile. His mouth was slightly turned upwards, as if he was smiling at something no one else could see. Alex decided he liked that smile. It was very...encouraging, somehow. Alex needed encouragement tonight. Maybe everybody around him could tell that. Suddenly the guy turned his head and his eyes looked straight into Alex's own, seeing him looking at him. Alex blushed. The other guy's face didn't shift a bit, he just leaned side-ways, held his hand out and said through the sound of the music, "Hi, I'm Danny." Alex took the offered hand without thinking. "Alex." The guy nodded, kept smiling, and then said, "You're a bit young, aren't you?" "Yes." Alex searched the other's face for a second, looked into the dark eyes, let his gaze fall on the soft curve of the lips, the jaw, the long neck. His eyes swept down over the other guy's tight T-shirt, his naked arms, his stomach, and the place where his belt was. And then he looked up into those dark eyes again and said, completely on impulse, "Looking for someone?" The dark eyes started to glitter in amusement, and for a second he feared a humiliating rejection (Looking? For who? You? You gotta be kidding!), but then the guy, Danny, nodded slowly, took a swallow of his beer, and said, "Yes, I am actually." Before Alex had any time to take this piece of information all the way in, and undoubtedly freak at its implications, Danny asked into his ear, "Wanna dance?" The breath on his sensitive skin tickled. "Sure." As soon as they reached the floor, Danny drew Alex close and hooked one arm around his waist and one, the one still holding the beer bottle, over his shoulders. They were the same height, which meant that when Danny pressed his mouth against his neck, it was only natural for Alex to do the same thing. He closed his eyes and breathed in the scent of the other one's skin, feeling a heady rush fill his head as they began to dance. No matter what kind of music was being played, if it was a fast tune or a slow song, they stayed like that, pressed close, holding each other, swaying lazily together on the dance floor. At one point during the night, Danny pulled back a little and cupped Alex face in his hands. The kiss that followed was as slow and lazy as their movements, but it deepened fast and Alex felt a shiver go through him when Danny rubbed their lower bodies together. He had missed this. As they left the bar together, getting a cab and going to Danny's apartment, Alex was thinking about how much he had missed the closeness of making out with someone in the tight compartment of a car. As he paid the driver with their collected money while Danny was fondling him from behind, he thought about how much he'd missed having another person want him like that. He thought about how good it felt. How good he felt. But as they went inside the apartment and Danny asked him if he wanted a beer, Alex started to feel nervous. The cab-ride hadn't been too bad, but now that they were alone in the dark apartment, he began to wish they hadn't left the club so soon. He began to realize he really didn't know what he was doing. He was an under-aged kid standing in the apartment of a total stranger who, being a guy and all, probably wanted to fuck him. Fuck him and then ask him to get out. That was what these kind of encounters were all about, right? So he had gone out tonight to...hook up with someone. To try to see if he could, if he could forget about Fox and, well, him and Fox together. But in reality, and what he hadn't given much thought before, that meant involving another human being, and that human being was right now standing in front of Alex in the dimly lit living room, looking questioningly at him. Alex swallowed. He began to panic. Danny raised his eye-brows slightly. "Alex?" "Uhm, I, Danny..." Alex put down the beer bottle on the small coffee table. It was shaking in his hand. Better to get rid of it. "I don't...what...so what do you want me to do?" The last part of the sentence came out in a pathetic whisper, and Alex winced at his own awkwardness. Danny must be starting to regret taking him home by now. Danny took a step closer and looked searchingly into his face. "Alex?" he asked again, more gently this time. "Uh, I guess you want me to...I haven't really done this, and...I don't know what..." Alex cursed himself for his stuttering voice. What was he, twelve? A blushing virgin? Just get on with it, Alex, get it the fuck over with! "Do you want me to take my clothes off?" Danny's lips twitched upwards, as if he was trying hard not to smile. He stepped even closer, and put both hands on each side of Alex's face. His hands were warm and...yeah, warm. Alex sighed. Danny looked into his eyes. "I wouldn't mind seeing you naked, no," he said. "I bet you look hot without your clothes, Alex. But we could just talk a little first, if you want to." "O-okay." That sounded nice. Danny's voice was low and very comforting. His hands were still on Alex's face. The brown eyes were kind and looking straight into his own. "That...that sounds nice." Talk. They could talk. Calm down a bit. Then Danny could fuck him. That would probably work. Alex felt himself calm down a little just thinking about it. They would talk. Danny's body was standing so close to his own, they were almost touching. It was emanating all kinds of heat through the thin layers of club-clothes, and Alex noticed that it smelled of sweat and smoke and heat and...something else. Something that could only be described as guy-smell. Arousal. Faint, but definitely there. Alex reached for it. All of it. When they kissed this time it was slow and gentle, but it soon heated up and became, at least on Alex's part, desperate. As they fell down on the couch together, tugging at each other's clothes almost immediately, Alex realized that he couldn't wait to feel Danny's naked skin against his own. He'd missed that so much too. He wanted it so much that he almost made them tumble down on the floor in his efforts to get them both naked as soon as possible. He could hear someone make a keening, desperate, animal-like noise, and realized it was him. Danny stilled his frantic movements, took his face between his hands and looked down on it, deep into Alex's dazed eyes. "Alex," he whispered. "Alex, shhh. Calm down, baby, just calm down." He repeated the soothing words over and over until Alex's breathing finally slowed and his eyes focused again. The he let one finger gently trace Alex's shivering lips and bent his head to give him a quick kiss. "I think..." Another stroke with his finger. "...that we..." Another quick kiss. "...should do this nice and slow. Whatdoya say?" Alex drew a deep breath and nodded. Looked up into those dark, smiling eyes. "O-Okay." "Good." "S-sorry." "Don't be, baby. You said you hadn't done this before." Alex blushed, still looking up into Danny's warm eyes. "You must think I'm so silly,” he mumbled. "No," Danny began stroking his face with his thumbs. "I think you're sweet." One thumb traced Alex's lips and quickly dipped between them, touching his tongue. "You're just a little freaked right now, 's all." "Mmm." Alex still felt the brief taste of Danny on his tongue. He liked it. He thought that maybe he wouldn't mind some more. Danny sat back on his heals, straddling Alex on the couch, and let one hand stroke down Alex's chest. "Beautiful," he murmured and bent even lower to trace the same pattern with his tongue. Alex moaned. Danny sat back again and looked into his face. "Alex?" he asked. "You okay...?" "Mmm." This time, Alex thought he meant it. He shivered, but he meant it. It was okay. "Well, then, do you want to...?" For a long moment, Alex didn't understand what he was being asked and therefore just stared stupidly up at Danny. Then, suddenly, the implications sank in. "Oh," he said, his voice raspy and his throat dry. "Oh. I. Oh." Danny's smile widened, turned into a grin. "You've never...?" "No." "Well," Danny toyed with one of Alex's nipples in a way that made him catch his breath and gasp. "I guess this is a night full of first-times, then. Do you think you would like to...tonight?" Now both of his hands skimmed down Alex's sides, lightly, teasing. Alex closed his eyes, trying desperately to remember what he had gone out tonight for. "Yes. I...I think so." And he did. He didn't think he would, but he did. Yes, he had wanted to do this with Fox, so bad, but Fox had wanted to wait and now it looked like they would never do it anyway, and he was tired of being sad and lonely, and TO HELL WITH FOX ANYWAY! Just...to hell with him. "Yes," he said, more firmly, while Danny gently nuzzled his stomach. "I want to." A night of first-times... "Good!" the weight on him suddenly lifted, which wasn't entirely welcome, and then Danny seemed to search for something in the jacket thrown onto a nearby chair. "Here," he said, holding something up to Alex. It was a condom and a small bottle which could only be lube. Alex blushed. "Oh," he said again. "That's..." His mind seemed to have taken a break for the evening, and Alex decided he would have to count on instincts alone now. He took a deep breath, stared up at Danny's face (>I want to do this!<), and then started to turn over. Danny's voice stopped him before he had made the turn. "Wait, what are you doing?" Okay, so maybe his instincts were fucked up as well. Maybe he had read this all wrong. "I...I thought we would..." Danny tilted his head a little, pursing his lips slightly together as if trying to look disapproving. "You've never done this, Alex?" he asked again, like they hadn't just established that. Alex could only shake his head. Danny sighed, then said, without missing a beat, "I want you to do me, Alex. Okay?" Then he was back on the couch, back on top of Alex, kissing him senseless. As it turned out, Alex's instincts were working just fine. He had spent the night. He knew his mom would be crazy, but he hadn't been able to put his clothes back on once it was over, say good-bye to Danny and go out into the cold night again. Here it was warm and cozy and Danny's bed was big enough for both of them. He wanted to stay. Danny had got out of the bed afterwards and lit a couple of candles that were now spreading their flickering light across the walls of the small bedroom. Outside it was dark and rain had started to pour down, but inside the apartment, under the blankets and wrapped up in Danny's strong arms, Alex felt warm and safe. It had been...pretty good. After Danny's announcement, they had moved into the bedroom, falling underneath the blankets to continue exploring every inch of each other's bodies with eyes and hands and mouths. Once they were both hard and sweaty, Danny had put the condom on Alex and casually asked him to get him ready. Alex had blown him then, briefly taking command and pushing Danny down on his back so he could take his cock into his mouth, making him gasp out his name, the way he had done with Fox so many times. But then Danny said "stop, Alex, please," and took over again and from then on everything that happened was on his initiative. He had told Alex exactly how to prepare him. Then he had laid down flat on his back in the middle of the bed, gripped the bedpost firmly and spread his legs wide. The sight had taken Alex's breath away, and he had wanted to go down on him again, but Danny had stopped him, saying calmly "No, Alex, I don't want that. I want you to fuck me." So Alex had. Pushing into the willing body beneath him, twining their fingers together and beginning to thrust, gently first, then harder as Danny went wild under him, gritting his teeth at him. "Come on, Alex, come on come on...that's it...come on...harder, damnit, HARDER!" And now, after, laying together in the candle-lit room, their bodies sweaty and still panting, they began to talk. Danny slid his arm down Alex's chest, kissed his neck and said into the skin there, "You don't have to go, do you?" Alex imagined his mom's worried face before him, closed his eyes and breathed, "No. Unless you want me to." "I don't. I want you to stay." "Then I will." They lay like that for another ten minutes, nuzzling and stroking, and then Danny asked, "You wanna tell me why you were at the bar tonight, Alex?" Alex turned on his back and looked down on Danny's head now on his chest. "What do you mean?" "Oh, come on, anyone can see you're broken up over someone. Is it your boyfriend?" At first Alex didn't answer, he didn't want to have to think about Fox tonight, but then he found himself beginning to tell Danny the story anyway, and pretty soon he was crying into Danny's silky warm skin. "Damn!" He sniveled loudly. "I didn't want to do this tonight. Damn!" Danny stroked his hair. "'S okay, Alex, it's okay, man." So Alex cried that night even though he hadn't wanted to, feeling Danny's assuring strokes on his skin and his whispering voice in his ear, and then he told him the rest of the story and cried some more. Danny comforted him some more and then said something that made Alex giggle a little in spite of everything and then they were laughing together in the bed. Then they were laying side by side on the bed, still smiling sleepily at each other. "So, by the way, was it any good?" Danny whispered into Alex's skin, and Alex couldn't help but laugh at this and then nodded. "Mmhmm." He kept grinning. He felt tired, weary, out of any more tears, and now he also felt stupidly happy. Danny cuddled closer. If it had been summer, the sun would have started to rise by then, but as it was it was still pitch black outside the window. Inside, the candles had burnt out but it didn't matter. They were close enough to see each other well in the dark. "So you and...he never did it? You never fucked him and he never fucked you?" Alex sighed. "No." "But you wanted to?" "Yeah. I...I did." "Because you liked it tonight." Alex lifted his head a bit and propped his hand under it. He stared out through the bedroom window, out at the darkness, thinking about how cold it must be outside. He would have to go back out there soon enough. He shifted his eyes back to Danny's face. "You like it?" Danny chuckled in the dark. "Being fucked? Yeah, I do. I...I like it more than..." "Fucking? You like being fucked more than being the one who..." "Fucks. Yeah." Now Danny also lifted his head, and his eyes met Alex's. "That's what I wanted tonight, what I went out looking for. I saw you there and I liked you and I wanted to take you home with me because I wanted you to fuck me, because I like being fucked. A lot." Alex frowned a little, absently stroked Danny's chest, then said, "I think I do too." He frowned again, then continued, "I think I too like being...fucked more than..." He sighed, deeply, a sigh coming from the bottom of his soul. Danny caught his hand in his and stilled its movements against his chest. "But you've never tried it, Alex." Alex nodded sadly and thought about all the things he and Fox had done, all the times he had been sprawled flat on the bed with his hands tied to the bedpost and Fox busy licking, stroking or sucking until he would finally slide on top of him and start driving into him, rubbing their skin together until Alex started thrashing and squirming and losing it. And sometimes he would feel Fox's finger glide into him at the end, it was always that, that and the sight of Fox above him, that would make him come so hard he thought he would lose his mind in the process, and still it always left him with the feeling of wanting more, of being unsatisfied, of reaching for something he couldn't quite touch. No. He'd never tried it but he knew anyway. He had felt it. He knew. "I don't have to try it," he said. "I know it's what I want." He remembered the first time he had taken Fox's cock into his hand, into his mouth, the feeling of the hot, hard flesh pulsing in appreciation of his clumsy administrations, pulsing in a display of Fox's passion for his hand and his mouth and for him. And he remembered all the times he had just settled down on Fox's stomach, just looking at the flaccid cock, so close to him, spent and vulnerable, and sometimes it would start to harden again under his scrutiny and he never got tired of looking at that. Sometimes he would pause right in the middle of his own pleasure and bend his head to look down between their bodies, seeing the muscles in Fox's stomach contract and his cock start spurting streams of semen all over Alex's stomach and that sight would always be enough to trigger his own climax. He knew what did it. It was the thought of having that cock inside him, as deep as it would go, splitting him open and holding him down and marking him the way no ties, or clenching fists or biting teeth ever could. He took a deep breath, trying to make the sudden sinking feeling go away. "I would have let him do it to me. I know I would." Then Danny had brought his hand to his face and kissed it tenderly, watched him with eyes full of understanding, and asked softly, "Do you want me to do it, Alex? I would be happy to." But Alex shook his head, struggling with the contradicting feelings the question had started in him, and said, "No. I. It's..." And Danny seemed to understand that too, because he leaned forward, kissed him gently on the mouth and said, "Okay, hon. It's okay. Now, let's get some sleep, huh?" Fox was sitting in his parents' kitchen, at the table, trying to study. He had agreed to come home this weekend, although it was now a decision he was bitterly regretting. Life at home had become almost unbearable, and it did not help that he had no one to confide in either. Lisa wasn't available and anyway, this was not something he wanted to share with her. More times then he could count, he had reached for the phone to call Blair and tell him he was coming back up. But he had stopped himself every time. He couldn't stay away from home forever. His parents might start to suspect something then. He bit back a sarcastic chuckle and tried to focus on the books laid open on the table before him. Tried to keep other, unwanted thoughts out of his head, at least for right now. The front door opened and he knew his parents were back from their Sunday walk. A couple of moments later they both came into the kitchen, happy, relaxed and greeting him warmly. He hated listening to their happy voices talking. He had fought all weekend not to let his feelings show. It had been difficult. They were talking to him now. "We met Lisa's parents when we were out." "Oh." He saw them exchange looks in the corner of his eyes, and couldn't help but feel irritated. "So?" He usually didn't take that tone with his parents, but for some reason none of them said anything about it. Instead they just exchanged that look again. Fox sighed and wondered if they expected him to find everything about Lisa so fascinating that he just leapt out of the chair at the mention of her name, frantically asking, 'What? What? What about Lisa's mom and dad?' His mom came up behind him and patted his head lightly. "They told us Lisa is going to Europe in the spring." "Yeah," he nodded, understanding now, while absently turning a page in his book. "I know. She's going to study French." "How long will she be gone?" He shrugged. What had she said? A year? Two? "I think it was two years." His mom let her hand stroke down his shoulder and squeeze it gently. "I'm sorry, honey," she said. "It must be difficult for you." Fox sighed, and said nothing. His dad took out a root beer from the refrigerator and turned to look at him, not quite worry on his face but something like...sympathy. "You're not planning on going to Europe too, are you son?" Fox had, actually. Thought about it. Only then it had involved him and Alex and a run-down motel in the French countryside, wine racks outside their small bedroom and a bed that creaked and made other assorted noises during their slow, lazy early-morning love-making. "No," he said, not looking up. His mom's voice was filled with understanding when she spoke. "It's okay that you're sad, honey. But a girl like Lisa will wait for you, even though you are away from each other. It'll be alright, sweetie." "Thanks mom," he mumbled, suppressing a sudden impulse to pick up the textbook and throw it across the room. He hated them, their worry, their sympathy, their encouragement. He knew that they were only saying these things in a misguided attempt to make him feel better, but the problem was that they didn't know why he felt bad in the first place. They thought they had figured it out, he could tell by the looks they exchanged, but they didn't know the real reason at all. In fact, they were one of the main reasons he was so damn unhappy. But of course, that wasn't fair, was it? Because he hadn't told them what was really going on with him. So how could he blame them for it? His parents looked at each other one more time and then retreated to the living room, leaving him alone to contemplate Lisa's travelling plans in private. Well, fuck. When they had left, he sighed deeply and buried his face into his hands. Why did his life have to be so fucked up? Fox knew that his parents only meant well, and basically they were good people. They didn't expect too much from their only son, only that he did his best in school and on the team, that he didn't get arrested, and that he grew up to get a decent job, a house and a nice girlfriend. Fuck! He hated seeing them welcoming Lisa as she came by, hated seeing how happy they looked every time he said he was going over to her house (when really he had been spending those evening with Alex), hated how they fused over her, and how she seemed to accept all that to make him happy, although he could tell she felt embarrassed by it. The same night she had told him she was going to France, she had also told him that she had met someone, Kevin was that his name, and that she was going to bring him home and introduce him to her parents any day now. Which was good news for Kevin. Less convenient news for Fox. He almost chuckled as he thought about his mom's words, "A girl like Lisa will wait for you..." No girl would ever wait for him, because who would want to wait forever? His mom didn't know it, but to ask for that kind of commitment from any girl would be to ask too much. No one would do it. Alex had waited. Fox sighed. Alex had waited a long time for him, patiently, longingly, lovingly. But not even he would wait forever and now Fox had lost him along the way too. He too had given up waiting for him. Fox groaned and buried his face deeper into his hands. He was so tired of this, of these feelings, of being afraid to move and afraid not to move. He felt lost, and he knew he was still losing himself in all this. Maybe it was time. Maybe he was waiting too, and maybe it was time to stop. Stop it before it was too late. Before time ran out. Alex couldn't help feeling a bit proud of the way he was handling this. He would have thought that he might not survive something like Fox breaking up with him, but the fact was that he had survived and he was actually handling it. Almost like a...grown-up. Of course, his mom might not feel the same way, judging by the look on her pale face as he had walked through the door at 6 in the morning after having been out all night at that time, meeting and picking up Danny at the bar. They had stood and looked at each other over the kitchen floor that morning, he and his mom, silently, until she had finally broken down and cried and cursed and yelled at him all at once. She had been so angry, had been so worried, and he did feel terrible about it, he did, but a part of him was still high on last night's events, still sizzling from the emotions he was feeling. He had thought that he wouldn't survive. He had been wrong. He was good at this. After Fox had broken up with him he had gone out, picked up a guy, fucked him and stayed the night with him. He had cried, sure, but he had also laughed and talked, not to mention the fucking, and it had been good—he was still sad but he was doing fine. He was upset and angry and sad but he handled it. He survived it. He felt proud of it all. Until he saw the Fox in the supermarket, four weeks after their break-up in Alex's kitchen. He had been there picking up some sodas and ice-cream for later in the evening when he was going over to Michael's to hang out and watch a couple of videos. He and Michael had not seen each other very much lately. Michael was busy being with Melanie and Alex was busy exploring his new-found hobby of dancing and meeting guys in the weekends. But tonight it was just going to be the two of them. Alex was looking forward to it. He was feeling tired and longed for some uncomplicated hang-out time. And that's when he saw him. He was on his way to the checkout to pay for his snacks when someone came out of the aisle next to his and bumped hard into his side, almost making him drop his sodas. He cursed and looked up at the person, then froze on the spot. "Uhm...sorry, Alex, I didn't see you." Fox's voice was low and apologetic and he sounded just as surprised and uncomfortable as Alex felt. Alex shook himself out of his frozen-tongue state and tried to sound calm and collected as he said, "No problem. I...well, I was just going to..." "How have you been?" Again, in that same low, sorry-to-bother-you tone. Alex took a deep breath. "Fine," he said as he breathed out. "Just...you know..." He didn't have to say anything else. The look he gave Fox made the other nod in understanding and mirror the same feelings in his own eyes. Yes. They both were...you know. There was a moment of silence, and then Alex clutched his sodas closer to his chest and said, "Okay, well, I should probably go." For a moment, Fox's sad eyes flashed with pain, and then he nodded and said, "Yeah, okay. I'll...I'll see you, Alex." "See you, Fox." Alex paid, went out from the store and started walking the long way back home in the chilly December wind, not feeling the cold or the weight of the heavy bags in his frozen hands. He reached his own house, went inside, put the bags on the kitchen table (where his mom would later find them, melted ice-cream slowly floating out on the table), picked the phone up, called Michael, said "I can't come tonight." He hung up, went downstairs into his bedroom, and curled up on the bed with one hand under his chin and the other clutched into a fist which he stuffed into his mouth. And then he started crying. He cried like he never had, his whole body shaking under the thin quilt, staining the pillow with tears, his throat letting out terrible hulking sobs that sounded almost like small cries. Miss him. Miss him. Oh God. Miss him miss him miss him >misshimmisshimmisshim MISS HIM! His chest ached, a dull, throbbing pain that threatened to drive him out of his mind. If he wasn't already. The phone rang. He didn't answer. Someone rang the front door. Probably Michael. He didn't open it. He stayed on his bed, shaking and crying throughout the afternoon and well into the evening. When he finally stopped, it was dark outside, and he could no longer see his own hand in the room. He rose from the bed. His mom hadn't come home yet, and he dressed quietly in the dark, putting on a tight T-shirt and beige baggy pants and his sneakers. Then he went upstairs, pulled his jacket on and headed out the door, towards the bus stop. When he arrived at the bar, the queue hadn't stretched too long yet and he reached the doors in no time. The doorman hardly even looked at him, just nodded and said "Alex," then waved him in. The music and the heat in the room hit him as soon as he entered. People were dancing and standing around, talking, drinking and making out. It looked the same as always. He made his way up to the bar and when the bartender said "Coke?" in his usual way Alex shook his head, stared hard at the other man's face and said "Beer." For a moment he thought the bartender would simply refuse, but then he was handed a bottle, paid for it without a word and turned around, still leaning against the bar, looking around at all the people. There were lights. Colors. Faces. Many faces. Faces he didn't recognize. All strangers. All of them. Good. Alex felt himself finally, finally relax in the crowd of all those strangers, all that bright light, all that loud music, with the taste of beer strong on his tongue and the smell of sweat and bodies all around him. He didn't care that no one was talking to him at the moment, but not in the same way he didn't care that nobody talked to him at school. The difference was that in here, tonight, he knew that all of these people belonged to his crowd, he belonged to them, and he belonged here, in this bar, with this crowd, and he had never felt that way about any other place. Ever. So it didn't matter that he didn't recognize anyone. In fact, it felt better that way. They were all strangers to each other. Every face was new and nameless and belonging here. Then one of the faces came closer, right up to his, and it was Danny's face, Danny's familiar smile, and he threw one arm around Alex's neck and kissed him on the mouth. "Baby," he said. "You okay?" "Fine," Alex said and let Danny sneak one arm around his waist. He took a mouthful of his beer and thought Danny would say something, but the other guy just looked at him for a second and then smiled. "The usual crowd tonight," he said into Alex's ear, and Alex nodded although he didn't recognize anyone, and brought the bottle to his lips again. "Yeah." He wondered if perhaps it really was the usual crowd, and that it was just his eyes that were wrong, that they looked different to him because everything looked different tonight. "I want to get some tonight," he said and heard Danny laugh. "Well, take your pick. They all look up for it if you ask me." Alex smiled too. That sounded good. That sounded like everything he was looking for tonight. He suddenly grabbed Danny by the shoulders, spun him towards him and kissed him, driving his tongue deep into his welcoming mouth, feeling the heat and intoxicating wetness. Then he drew back, still cupping Danny's face. "I think I love you," he said. Danny grinned, licking his lips as if tasting for something. "I love you too, man. Let's get laid tonight, shall we?" It wouldn't be with each other, they both knew that. After their first night together they had met each other here in the bar on so many nights. They were both regulars now, but they had never gone home together again after that first time. Alex wasn't entirely sure why, maybe because they had TALKED, but he knew that it was a mutual agreement if not a spoken one. That's why he didn't feel at all jealous when Danny hooked up with a cute, dark guy a little later into the night. Alex had smiled when Danny came up to him and said he was heading home, and smiled even wider when Danny asked him if he wanted to "come back and watch," while sliding one hand suggestively down the leg of the guy standing with his arm around Danny's neck, looking admiringly up at him. "Are you sure he can fuck?" Alex asked teasingly. Danny looked down at the young guy and asked, "Can you fuck?" to which he got a reassuring smile and a squeeze in return. "Have fun," Alex said and Danny winked and then left the bar. Alex felt happy for him. At one point during the night, all the people in the bar stopped looking like strangers and Alex saw that Danny had been right; it was the usual crowd. He sighed, wondered what it meant that he hadn't noticed before, and then decided that it could only be a good sign and that it probably meant he been right when he had decided to get drunk tonight. He didn't hook up himself. He didn't really know why, because there had been offers throughout the night, but he just hadn't taken up on any of them. For some reason he felt like staying where he was, sitting on a bar stool feeling the beer buzz reach his head, watching all the people who now looked familiar again, and let the loud music and the bright colored lights fill his head and his eyes. He didn't want to go home. But eventually he had to. The bar cleared out and the bouncer told him he had to get out because they were closing, asking if he had enough money to get home on his own. He nodded, thanked him and started to walk towards the bus stop, like he had done several times now. Several nights. He was glad that he was tired, and probably pretty drunk, because that made him able to shut out the coldness, both on the outside and on the inside. He had made it. He had survived tonight. He had handled it. And he knew that from now on he would have to learn to handle it every day, to learn from the start all over again, every single day. He closed his eyes, trying not to feel the cold but feeling it anyway. Opening his eyes again. Seeing it all now. >Love's a hand-me-down brew I'll never know a Sunday In this weekday room Alex was sitting in the kitchen, doing his homework and listening to the sound of his mom's jazz music coming in from the living room. At first it had vaguely annoyed him that she had to listen to one of her records right when he had to study and was sitting in the warm and light kitchen with no desire to go down to his own room. But after a while he had gotten used to it and was now enjoying the soft music and the deep, sad voice of some long-gone jazz singer he didn't know. It felt soothing, somehow, listening to the words. He hadn't thought about that before, how music could speak to you at certain moments. Maybe those people who said that certain songs helped them survive wasn't being stupid fools anyway. I'm moonin' all the mornin' Moanin' all the night And in between it's nicotine And not much heart to fight He sighed. His mom had decided today was the day the she would put up the Christmas decorations, no matter how much Alex had protested and said he wasn't feeling up for it. His mom just crossed her arms over her chest and pointed out to him that putting up decorations wasn't any work that you had to "feel up for", you just had to do it, and that had kind of been the end of Alex's protests. He had obliged, finding after a while that he was actually enjoying it. Having spent days and days sitting around at home doing nothing except for the weekends when he would go out, there was just something so surprisingly nice and homey about hanging Rudolph up on his place on the front door, and designing a smooth "snow pattern" on the kitchen windows. It had cheered him up a little, almost against his own will, and he wondered what kind of shallow person he was if taping gold stars and red apples to the refrigerator door could take his mind off his own still-fresh heartbreak. But it had. And there was nothing he could do about it. The Christmas feeling had caught up with him. And maybe, maybe he would actually be able to have as much fun this year as the last ones. His mom had played Christmas records all day, but now, as night had begun to fall, she had put on this old jazz record instead. It was Thursday night. He looked down at the book in front of him, growing a bit restless, and suddenly wondering if maybe he should go out tonight. He knew it was a school night, but he could tell his mom that he was going to Michael's or something. He felt that he needed to do something. Getting him in a better mood had made him itchy, and he thought about the bar, wondering who would be there tonight, thinking about the music and the light and the feeling of comfort and safety he felt when he was there. He felt like he just...fitted in. And then, for just a brief second, he closed his eyes and let himself imagine what it would have been like if he had found that place when he was still with Fox, so that he and Fox could have gone there together, made it their private little world where they could be with each other and... The sound of the doorbell startled him from his forbidden thoughts, and it was with a sense of relief that he went and answered it. He opened the door, thinking it had to be one of his mom's friends. Fox was standing outside, looking pale and cold in the freezing temperature with only a thin jacket slung over his shoulders and one glove on his hand. He was wearing sneakers, wet from the rain and with the shoelaces untied. Alex only had time to say "Fox?" and briefly wonder where his other glove had gone, before Fox opened his mouth and said, "Can I come in? Please Alex, please let me come in." Alex swallowed his own question and nodded, quickly opening the door wide and letting the other boy in. Fox's hands were trembling when he stood in the hall, looking down at the floor. "Take your clothes off, Fox. You're all wet." Alex showed with a gesture that he wanted Fox to come into the kitchen and the other boy complied, shucking his jacket and shoes and following Alex into the warm kitchen. He remained standing in the middle of the floor while Alex went over to the stove and filled a kettle with water. "I'll make us some tea," he said and wondered what Fox was doing there, why he looked so strange, and why he was offering him tea. Having put the kettle on the stove, he turned back around and met Fox's eyes. They were red-rimmed and somehow Alex didn't think that was because of the cold too. "What is it, Fox?" Fox swallowed audibly and looked like he tried to say something but couldn't get the words out. Alex noticed that the music had stopped in the other room, and knew his mother was hearing everything. "Why are you here?" "Alex, I..." And now Fox started to cry, not wildly but very quietly, tears silently wetting his cheeks and dripping down on his shirt. He shook a little. But other than that he didn't make another sound. Alex felt his own heartbeat speed up at the sight of Fox crying, but he didn't give in to his impulse to go to him. He didn't even know if he was allowed to anymore. Instead he begged Fox to talk. "Just tell me what's wrong, Fox, please." "Alex, I...I..." And suddenly Alex understood. It was like a flash of lightning, and his eyes widened and a spike of fear shot down his spine. Then Fox said it as well, "Uhn, I...I told them, Alex." Alex felt the blood drain out of his face and his eyes close. He thought he might have made a sound of some sort, but when he opened his eyes again Fox wasn't looking at him. In fact, Fox was looking at everything but him, and had even started to draw backwards towards the door. Alex opened his mouth. Nothing came out. Fox kept backing away, wiping his eyes with his sleeve. "Well, I just thought I would tell you that, and...that...I guess I should just..." No. No. No no no no. Don't. Fox looked so...broken. Alex opened his mouth again, and this time the words he wanted to say came out of it. "No, Fox, don't...Stay. Sit. Please. Don't go." And Fox stopped. The rest of the evening felt almost unreal to Alex. Fox was sitting across from him at the kitchen table and they looked at each other, mirroring each other's pale faces and wide eyes perfectly. Then Fox wiped his eyes again, which had started to run, and said, "I just said it. You know. Just said it...right out." "Oh." Alex shook his head, trying to imagine Fox's eyes as he told his parents what they never, never expected to hear. "They didn't take it too...they were pretty upset." "Did...Did you tell them about us?" "Yeah." There was a flicker of pain in Fox's eyes at the word. "I didn't mean to...I meant to keep you out of it, but they kept...saying that it wasn't true and that I was lying and shit and I just told them that we...that you and I..." He drew and deep, shaky breath and trailed off. Alex clutched his fists together so tightly they were turning white. He wanted to say something profound, something real, something that would make Fox stop his silent crying for just one moment. But all he could think to do was put his hand over one of Fox's and say, "I'm so sorry, Fox." Somehow Fox seemed to appreciate it though, because he actually looked up at Alex and smiled weakly. Alex swallowed. His throat felt dry. Fox sighed and looked away again. "They were really mad. I haven't ever...not before...I just left and...came here." Alex nodded, and squeezed Fox's hand a bit tighter. "I'm sorry." Fox looked down at their joined hands, sniveled loudly and pulled his back. "Yeah, uhm, is your mom around, Alex?" he asked shyly and Alex felt both relieved and a bit put off that Fox didn't want to talk to HIM, but he called for his mom and she came into the room and straight up to Fox, who had rose from the chair he was sitting in. Alex watched his mom hug Fox for probably five minutes. Fox had started crying again. They sat around the table for a long time, the three of them, talking a little but not too much, simply drinking their tea in a silence that was broken only by the sound of the occasional sob from Fox. Finally, Alex's mom told Fox straight out that he had to go home, that his parents had had some time to think about this now and that he had to face them again to at least give them another chance. Fox didn't want to. But he agreed he should. He asked if she could come with him, but understood when she said that it would be better if he went alone. More difficult, perhaps, but better. Alex watched him leave, a bit calmer than when he had come over, but still pale-faced and tight-lipped. When he had left, Alex sank down on the chair and closed his eyes. He felt his mom come over and touch his cheek and whisper his name, and he opened his eyes again and stared straight into hers. "I love you, mom," he said, for no specific reason, for thousands of reasons, and saw her smile through her sad, sad face. "I love you too, Lexei," he heard her say. "And nothing would ever make me stop. Okay, honey? Nothing in the world." It had been hours since Fox had left, and Alex thought that if he didn't hear from him soon he would go crazy. It was so frustrating to just sit and wait, and at one point he actually reached for the phone to call Fox's house, but the thought of one of his parents answering it prevented him from actually doing it. They probably wouldn't let him speak to Fox anyway. So he sat back. And waited. For what he wasn't entirely sure. No matter what was happening over at the Mulder household at the moment, it didn't mean that...it didn't mean...Alex wasn't sure what it would mean for him, for him and Fox, that Fox's parents now knew about them. Would it change anything? Should it change anything? In his mind he felt like just forgetting the whole waiting-in-anguish-thing and go take the bus to the "Garden." He even grabbed his jacket at one point, but somehow he stopped himself. As much as his mind was screaming at him to get away, to go dancing, to go get laid, anything that would make this gut-wrenching hopefulness disappear for a while, he just couldn't make himself actually stand up and leave. There was a part of him, the one that still had the image of Fox standing in his kitchen with tears streaming down his face fresh in it's memory, that told him this was not just about him. This was about him and Fox, and he couldn't leave now, because for the first time in what felt like forever, Fox needed him to stay. So he stayed. Waiting. At around midnight there was a sound at the door. Alex, who was still at the table with his head resting on his outstretched arms, flew up from his almost-sleeping state and ran to the front door, not even putting up the pretense of being anything but scared shitless and worried out of his mind. His heart was thrumming hard. He wrenched the door open and saw Fox standing outside it. Fox was looking calmer than earlier, but his face was just as pale as it had been before. In his hands, he had his gym bag and a suitcase. Alex stared at him, open-mouthed. Fox stared back. "Hey," he said, finally, inhaling sharply. "Can...can I stay with you guys for Christmas?" Then he broke down. Alex had to steady him all the way inside, dropping the bag and suitcase on the floor, and once they had managed to reach the living room, drawing Fox down on the couch and into his arms. The other boy buried his face in Alex's shoulder and cried his eyes out for the second time that evening, and Alex rocked him, stroked his hair and felt his stomach tie into a hard knot of sympathy. He didn't know what to do. He didn't know how to help. "Fox..." He rested his chin on the top of Fox's hair, inhaled the scent of his shampoo and closed his eyes. "Fox," he whispered again, not knowing if it was being heard through the sobbing sounds Fox made against his shirt. Not really caring. "Missed you. My Fox. My..." he couldn't get the words out that he wanted, so he just pressed his lips into Fox's hair and held him. After a few more minutes, Fox lifted his head, eyes still full of tears but not sobbing anymore, and looked into Alex's eyes. He mumbled something that Alex thought sounded like "Missed you too," but he wasn't sure so he didn't respond. There wasn't really anything to say to that anyway. Instead he took Fox's hand, squeezed it gently and then rose from the couch, not letting go. "Come on. You need to sleep." Fox didn't protest. When they were lying in his bed, not touching but still close enough for it to be comforting, Alex thought that of all the things he had missed about Fox, the one thing he had missed the most was the way he breathed when he slept. Well, not just the way he breathed, but the way he inhaled for a long time, then let a number of soft puffs of air out, only to draw it all back in again. He would mutter things sometimes, and sometimes he would shift a little and put his face right into Alex's chin or neck or whatever, pressing closer, letting out a grunt of satisfaction or a small, happy sigh and then start up the deep, familiar breathing again. Alex had missed sleeping with Fox so much. And now he couldn't help but lie awake, listening and storing the memories away. Who knew when he would sleep with Fox again. It all depended on what happened tomorrow. When they would wake up together, and he would get to look into Fox's face and ask him that very question out loud. Alex's mom, who had been asleep when Fox got back last night, came in at around nine thirty the next morning and gently roused them from sleeping. They looked at her, then at each other, and she petted their heads and told them to get up to come eat some breakfast. Then she left. Alex watched her leave, stretched a little and shuddered. The air in the room was cold. His mom must have had a window open in the house somewhere, letting the slightly chilled air in when she came to wake them up. He turned to his side, looking over at Fox. Fox was also on his side, facing Alex, and their eyes met and locked together for what felt like a long time. Deep brown eyes met clear green ones, both a little uncertain, both asking the other one the same question. What now? Fox was the first one to break the silence and gently cleared his throat. "Uhm, Alex, I..." A tongue sneaked out to run over dry, slightly parted lips, making them moist and soft, and suddenly Alex was no longer cold. He felt himself starting to blush, but Fox continued. "Last night, what you did, I really...I appreciate it and, you know...I'm just so glad you let me in and...Thank you." Alex nodded, still looking at Fox's lips. "Okay." Those lips. "Fox," he said and felt the blush change into something else. Heat. He stared at Fox's mouth and then looked up to meet hazel brown eyes, looking questioningly into his. "Fox," he said again, and then they were kissing, slowly, lazily, hotly. Just the barest touch of tongue. Shifting a little and deepening the kiss, but still keeping it light and sweet. It was like saying hello. Like coming home. Apart from their mouths they didn't touch, but then Fox's hand came up and rested on Alex's shoulder, pushing him back a little. The kiss broke off and they stared at each other again, panting, blushing, smiling. "Hey," Fox whispered and traced Alex's face with a finger. Alex swallowed. "Hey." They watched each other's faces warily. Searchingly. Still not being able to stop smiling. Then Alex said, "Breakfast," and Fox nodded and they both got up, got dressed and walked into the kitchen to eat the breakfast that Alex's mom had made for them. It was December 21st. Alex realized that he had a new important date to remember. Christmas Eve... On the 23rd it had snowed and now, the next day, there was still a nice, white coat covering the ground outside the window. Fox and Alex helped Alex's mom brush the car free from snow, and then she took them both over to the shopping center in the town nearby. They spent the day looking at the decorations, having lunch, talking, joking and even doing a little shopping. When they got back home, it was already dark and they hurdled inside to get warm and put some tea on. Alex's mom wanted Irish Coffee. With lots of whiskey. She said it was a tradition. Alex and Fox couldn't have any. "Maybe when you're legal," she said and winked at them. They sat down in front of the TV with their drinks and watched some old romantic movie that was on while chewing on nuts and making comments on the sappy view on love and romance displayed before them. Alex's mom said goodnight at around midnight and went to bed. Fox moved closer to Alex on the coach so that they were sprawled along the length of it with Fox draped slightly over him, tucked his head in under Alex's arm and looked up into his face with a happy grin. "So, what am I getting for Christmas?" Alex gave him back an answering grin, tightened his hold around Fox's shoulder and said teasingly, "You'll see in the morning." Fox trailed a finger over the buttons in Alex's shirt. "Can't wait." "Well, you'll have to." "Couldn't you give me a hint or something?" Alex stroked the back of Fox's neck, thought about the black T-shirt with the bright neon-green text on it and couldn't help a chuckle to escape him. "Let's just say you'll need it tomorrow night." Fox had worked a warm hand under Alex's shirt and was stroking his stomach, but now he stopped for a moment and looked up. "What are we doing tomorrow night?" he asked, frowning. "We're going dancing, Foxy." "We are?" Alex meant to say something else, but then he felt Fox's other hand trail up his leg and continue up his inner thigh, and the words were forgotten before they even left his lips. "Let's go to bed," he said instead, breathlessly. They did. "I love you," Alex said when Fox pressed him down into the mattress and kissed him, slowly stripping him of all the clothes. "I love you," he whispered as Fox's hands started working on Alex's belt, managing to get it open and closing his fingers around the hardness he found there. "Oh, God, I love you, Fox," he gasped when Fox began stroking him up and down, slowly, lovingly. Fox chuckled and kissed him again, knowing that Alex meant the words and feeling warm all over at hearing them spoken now. He kept stroking, wanting to feel every inch of Alex's flesh simply because it felt. So. Good. Alex writhed on the bed. He had his eyes closed tightly and his throat arched. "Oh God...Fox...missed you. Missed you!" Fox knew what he meant. "Been too long," he whispered into Alex's ear and Alex could only roll his eyes and nod franticly. "I missed you too." Then he couldn't help but cup Alex's face, press their foreheads together and say, "Let this be nice and slow tonight? Please? I know how you want it but just let me do it this way tonight." And Alex opened his eyes then, looked hotly up into his and said, "I want you to, you know, in me, Fox. Please?" Fox looked down at the flushed cheeks, the fluttering eyelids, and the swollen lips and felt his stomach flip. "Yes," he whispered. "I want that too." Alex thought that Fox tasted like chestnuts and mint when the older boy pressed him down onto the mattress and kissed him deeply, entwining their tongues and their hands, rubbing against him until Alex could only breathe in short, fast, desperate breaths. He knew he flinched when Fox let a slick finger slide up inside him, but he bit back a whimper and proceeded to instruct Fox on what to do as best he could while gasping and arching at every new sensation. When Fox finally pulled his fingers out and began pushing his cock inside, Alex wrapped his legs around Fox's waist, felt the glide of Fox's strong thighs under his butt, and let out a long, satisfied moan. Fox immediately slowed and looked down at him, sweat breaking out on his forehead, eyes wide with fear. "Does it hurt, Alex? Did I hurt you, do you want me to...?" "Oh God," Alex managed to grit out through clenched teeth. "God, Fox, you're so fucking hard!" Fox shifted a little involuntarily, and Alex's head pushed back hard into the pillow. "I mean...shit, you're just so...s-so, mmm, so fucking hard!" And then he felt Fox slide the last bit in and now he was completely impaled and he just couldn't get his head around to it, that Fox was really there, in that place, and Alex's hands began clutching at the sheets and he felt Fox move inside him, carefully, and he whimpered and then he felt him move again, harder this time, making it into a full thrust and Alex just exploded into words and sensations. "God, oh god do it, do it, f-fuck, do it, Fox, please, Fox, please, please, Fox!" They rolled on the bed, stroking every bit of the other's skin they could reach, panting hard, needing it so bad it was almost frightening. Alex clutched at Fox's shoulders, pressed his mouth to Fox's ear and gasped into it, "Need...you...need you so...much, F-Fox. Please." Then they rolled again, and Fox pressed Alex down on the bed, holding him still and staring into his eyes, seeing the hunger there. The need. The love. He shifted his grip to Alex's hips and started thrusting into him for real, still scared about hurting him but this time intending to make them both come. Feeling the strong legs clutch even harder around his waist, he slid one hand from Alex's hip, over silky hot skin, until it reached his cock. Alex arched back, trying to get Fox even deeper inside him. He couldn't remember ever having felt this open before, this vulnerable. The strong, overwhelming craving for...more, just more, made him lose all restraints and he cried out in total abandonment. Danny had been so right, it was like nothing else he had ever experienced, and now he knew, he knew what he wanted. This. Deep. Hard. Harder. Oh God, it felt so fucking GOOD! Fox stared down at his face. "Fuck, you're beautiful," he rasped out and Alex arched his back again, shuddered, and started to come. Fox thrust in two more times and climaxed, falling heavily onto Alex's chest and immediately finding himself embraced by determined, though weak, arms. For a long moment, all was silent except for their harsh breathing. Then Alex shifted them onto their sides, lazily pulled a bit of the blanket to cover the wet spot on the sheet, and then pulled Fox's body close again. Fox sighed in contentment and let himself drift off to sleep with his face tucked into the side of Alex's neck. Alex sighed too, and fought to stay awake. He thought it would be a bit more, well, romantic if they didn't just doze off straight after having had sex, but at the same time he found that he had a hard time keeping his eyes open and his mind focused. Okay, so maybe it didn't hurt if they slept a while. Tomorrow it would be Christmas morning and they would wake up and go up to the kitchen where his mom would be busy making breakfast. She would say "Merry Christmas," and then they would sit down and eat sandwiches and drink hot chocolate and after that they would move into the living room where the tree stood all lit up and decorated. They would exchange gifts and joke about Fox's being bought in-the-last-moment and therefore perhaps not exactly what he had wished for, and it would be cozy and fun and warm and lovely. A Christmas to remember. Alex smiled at the thought. So maybe it was all right if they slept now. They could talk more in the morning. Then they could say all those things Alex was pretty sure he wanted to say to Fox, but just couldn't seem to get his sleepy head to remember right now. It would be all right. He would remember it all again in the morning. Maybe tonight was not for talking but for sleeping. Maybe tonight was for just cuddling and feeling warm and listening to Fox's breathing, and for sighing in contentment and then drifting off to sleep in the knowledge that Fox would still be there in the morning. And maybe it wasn't just tonight. Maybe all days from now on were for talking and all nights were for cuddles and warmth and breaths and sighs. Alex blinked a couple of times with heavy eyelids, and felt himself slip further and further into unconsciousness. Days were for talking. Nights were for sleeping next to Fox, hearing him breathe. Graduation Day The graduate class of Georgefield High School started coming out through the two sets of double-doors that lead out of the gymnasium, all smiling widely as soon as they had made it outside, and immediately began hugging each other and cheering in celebration. Fox stood leaning against the wall, hands in his pockets, watching them all cheer and laugh and hug and even cry as they came out, smiling himself at their obvious happiness, but only waiting for the green sparkling eyes and bright smile of Alex to be seen among the people going past him. Many of them recognized him of course, and some smiled at him, which he returned every time, but no one came up to him or tried to start a conversation with him. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to them. It was just that he didn't want to miss seeing Alex come out through those doors. Finally, after what felt like a long time, he saw the familiar dark head in the crowd and he pushed away from the wall and started walking towards it. Alex had met up with Michael just outside the doors, and they were walking down the hall together, arms slung around each other, chatting happily with each other and with Michael's girlfriend Melanie who was walking next to them, smiling and laughing just as much as they were. Fox couldn't help but feel a happy buzz in his stomach at the sight. He remembered what it had felt like. Now Alex spotted him and he let go of Michael's shoulders to instead walk straight towards Fox, eyes beaming and his cherry-red cap clutched tightly in his hands. Fox managed to grin widely and say "Why aren't you wearing your cap?" before Alex thew himself at him and locked his sweaty hands around Fox's neck. "Makes my hair look silly," he mumbled into Fox's neck and Fox couldn't help but laugh and ruffle Alex's silky strands so they stood straight out, extracting a grunt of protest from Alex. "You little diva," he said teasingly into Alex's ear and then they drew apart, looking into each other's eyes. "Congratulations, Alex," Fox said and let his hands glide through Alex's hair, this time smoothing it down, following the line of his jaw and then up to cup his face. "I'm happy for you." He had said the same thing this morning, while they were getting ready, and then they had kissed deeply and almost not made it out in time to get picked up by Michael. Alex's mom had gone over to the school in her own car, a bit later. Fox knew Alex must be thinking about that kiss, but he just grinned happily and squeezed Fox's neck a bit tighter. "It's over," he sighed, sounding relieved. "It's finally fucking over, Fox!" And he looked so happy that Fox's heart sped up, and then Alex began letting go, but Fox didn't want that, not yet, so he just held Alex tighter to him, pulled their faces together and kissed him. When he released him again, Alex looked both scared and overwhelmed, and somehow it made Fox sad to think that Alex hadn't expected him to kiss him in public. Alex actually looked surprised and grateful for it, that his boyfriend would kiss him when other people were around, and that thought made him quickly bend down and kiss him again. A bit longer this time. Then he let him go, not looking around the hall to see how many people were staring at them, not fucking caring if they were staring, and gave Alex a smile which the younger boy immediately mirrored back. "Congratulations, Alex," Fox said again and Alex's smile widened until he was absolutely beaming, making Fox want to laugh and jump up and down because he had done that. He had put that smile on Alex's face. So who cared that people were looking at them? It didn't matter. This mattered. Alex's smile and the way he was looking at him now. "Let's go," he said and took Alex's hand in his. Together they walked out through the open front doors, out into the sunshine and the warm breeze and the sound of happy students and proud parents and impatient younger siblings and clicking cameras and chatter and laughs and tears, everything mixing into a cacophony of sounds that rose up from the parking lot, making it's way above the roof of the school building and all the way up into blue, blue sky. Fading out until all was quiet again. blackcoffees00@hotmail.com

"INITIATIVES" Author: Black Coffee Rating: NC-17 for m/m puppy-love sex Pairing: M/K in an Alternate Universe Spoilers: None, zip, nada, zero, a whole different universe Warning: Well, no one dies or anything, but Alex is 16 and Fox 18, so I guess there is some "minor issues" ahead or something...If it offends you, you've never been young! Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, Fox Mulder belongs to Alex Krycek and Alex Krycek belongs to Fox Mulder (and they, both, somehow, in a round-about way, belongs to Chris Carter and FOX network). "Genie in a bottle" is sung by Christina Aguliera and if she just put some damn clothes on and brushed up on her Susan Faludi, I might even consider giving her the credit she deserves for it... Archieve: Eh...yes...please? My thanks: To Cappuccino for Beta and inspiration, and for unrelentingly forcing me to see my own weaknesses. Thank you also for letting me borrow all those videos of you. I also want to thank Scout for moral support... Feedback: blackcoffees00@hotmail.com Summary: Alex is a junior in High school who has a secret crush on a senior football player by the name Fox Mulder. Teenage sex and puppy love ensues... back to top

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