fuck you, Mulder. I did everything I could for you. I respected you, I
admired you, I defended you in the Academy—against the ones that made fun
of you—the ones who started calling me "Mrs. Spooky".
And then I was assigned as your new partner, and it was like all my
Christmasses came at once. At last I could prove myself to my fucking idol.
You, Mulder! You were my hero. You were like a God to me... but you never
accepted me. You never even tried! In your eyes I was just some green rookie
from the Academy, beneath your contempt. Couldn't you see how much that
hurt?
And you blamed me for separating you from Scully. Never conciously—you knew
it wasn't my fault—but it was always there when you looked at me, it showed
in your eyes. I did everything I could for you, but it wasn't ever enough.
So I figured, if I couldn't work with you at least I'd do my duty to the
utmost. And if that brought me into conflict with you... hey, I was bitter,
okay? I felt like Peter must have done when he found out that his idol Jesus
was just a man along with the rest of us—with the same failings and
weaknesses as other people. I felt like I was destined to betray you.
I think that betraying youwas the only thing in my whole fucking life that I
ever did properly, the only thing that felt so wrong. But I saved your ass
too, Mulder. You don't know how much you owe me—the number of times I
intervened on your behalf—I didn't want them to touch you. I can't take
full credit, though—my word alone wouldn't have swayed them, but I had
him on my side.
What's the deal with him, anyway? The fucker with the Morley cigarettes.He
hates what you could do to him, the power you hold. Yet, in his twisted
little way he seems to respect you. He stopped them killing you so many
times.
"If we kill him, we risk turning one man's quest into a crusade." If I've
heard it once, I've heard it a thousand times. But it's just an excuse—I
swear I've even heard noticed... affection... in his voice when he speaks
about you. You didn't...? No, he's too old for you, old enough to be your
father. Besides, he doesn't seem your type.
But then, I didn't think I was your type. I would have thought you'd have
gone for that gorgeous partner of yours—Scully. I thought I hadn't a chance
until the night you kissed me—I can still feel it. It was the single best
moment of my life—until I figured out how you really felt about me.
You wanted me, sure. Possibly even as much as I wanted you. But on your
side, wanting was where it ended. You wanted me so much, but I fucking
disgusted you. We'd make... no, we'd fuck... there was never any love on
your side. And afterwards I'd catch you staring at me, and the look in your
eyes hurt me more than anything else I've ever experienced. You made me feel
dirty, cheap. You made me fucking hate myself.
Did it make you feel good? Did you enjoy making me suffer? It would explain
a lot. I never asked for your love. Respect would have been good, though. I
resented being treated like an object. So I stopped it while I still could.
It's torture every time I look at you now—but I have to. It's like I'm
driven by some compulsion to increase my pain. It's like someone biting down
on a sore tooth—it hurts so much more, but you need to know that to some
extent you can control the pain. If you know when it will come, then it
won't hurt as much. That's the theory, anyway.
I offered you friendship tonight, but I want so much more. It was all I
could do to prevent myself jumping on you... and you wanted me to. I could
see it in your eyes—I guess that's what stopped me. Want isn't enough, was
never enough—I need you to see me as a person, to know that I have feelings
too. That I deserve respect.
So I left with just a kiss. Did you realise how hard that was for me? And I
miss you already. Consider my offer carefully, Mulder. Because if I'm not
with you, I'm against you.
You didn't shoot me in the back.
I guess that's a good sign.
End.
Thinking About You
by Beth
"Been thinking about you and there's no rest, should I still love you, still
see you in bed? But I'm playing with myself, what do you care when I'm not
there?"
