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"Isn't that how you liked to beat yourself?"
How I liked to beat myself. Shit Mulder, if you only knew how I beat myself.
Imagining you—hot sweaty and naked under me—begging. I can practically hear
it, hear you whimpering in that soft voice of yours, "Please Alex, fuck me,
hard, fast. C'mon Krycek do me! I want your cock in me—I want you to make me
scream."
Oh fuck, what I wouldn't give to hear you say that Fox. If I still had a soul,
I'd gladly sell it for one night like that. Just one where we weren't enemies,
where you weren't trying to kill me or at least pound the shit out of me. One
night without Cancerman, the Consortium, Scully and Skinner. One night when we
were just Fox and Alex.
Yeah Mulder, even rat bastards have dreams. It's all I have to do in the long,
lonely hours between jobs. You think I like working for these people? These
murderous cold-blooded bastards who make me seem like a teddy bear in comparison.
If you only knew the real truth Mulder—of what they were really capable of.
You'd never sleep again. I know I don't.
"Hear this Agent Mulder. Listen very carefully because what I'm telling you is
deadly serious. There is a war raging and unless you pull your head out of the
sand, you and I and about 5 billion other people are going to go the way of the
dinosaur. I'm talking planned invasion. The colonization of this planet by an
extraterrestrial race."
"I thought you were serious."
"Kaziksthan, Skyland Mountain, the site in Pennsylvania. They were all alien
lighthouses where the colonization will begin but where now a battle is being
waged. A struggle for heaven and earth where there is one law; fight or die and
one rule, resist or serve."
"Serve who?"
"No, not who... what"
Truth is Fox, that war has already begun. And I'm one of the grunts on the
frontline. Chances are I'll be one of the first casualties too when those
bastards I work for figure out that I'm really screwing them over too. I work
for the resistance. Bet you'd never guess that in a million years would you?
I've been with them from the moment I had contact with the black oil.
Remember Hong Kong, Fox? I got infected. I felt that oily, black, sentient being
crawling around inside me—inside me Fox. Worse than any cancer or disease.
It was like being raped except that not only my body was violated—my mind was
too. It made me feel dirtier than I've ever felt before, which is saying a lot
considering my lifestyle. I haven't felt clean until I decided to betray the
betrayers.
Then there was Russia—Tunguska and my arm. God I nearly hated you then. Hated
myself more. I was deformed now, a freak outside and in. How the hell could you
ever... want me now? Yeah, want is a safe, neutral word. It doesn't have any
of the emotional baggage that other word has. It's sharp—clean, like a knife
blade. It doesn't make your chest explode and your life ooze out painfully.
But it doesn't explain away the lurch in my heart whenever I hear you've been
hurt or that the Consortium's made plans to off you yet again. It doesn't
explain why I'm there, in the shadows, watching yours and Scully's backs. It
doesn't explain why I've been leaking you information left and right to further
your cause. Why I've nearly died for you more times than I can count.
My body is riddled with tiny scars now—knife wounds & bullet holes that I' ve
gotten in order to help my very own Don Quixote tilt his private windmill. Scars
you'll never know about Fox because chances are I'll wind up dead protecting you,
no one ever the wiser. And you wouldn't miss me at all would you?
What the fuck is this? Why is my face wet? Crying, Jesus Christ I'm crying!
Haven't done that since... since I lost everything worth living for, feeling
for. God, I need a drink—a bottle or two of vodka would dull the pain. Until
I see you again. Until then, I live in a gray world of shadows, watching you—my bright shining beacon, from the mist.
"Motosh etebyen Tovarish."
Good luck to you my friend. Your eyes widened slightly when I said that, when I
kissed you not on the lips like I so desperately wanted to, but on the cheek.
Then I deliberately turned my back on you and walked away—after giving you your
gun back. Leaving myself open and vulnerable to be literally shot in the back.
You knew what I said didn't you Fox—ever since you found out I could speak
Russian, that I survived, you've been brushing up like the good little brainiac
agent you are. Don't' want me to get the drop on you again. Good boy.
Of course that means I'll never get to say what I really wanted to say that
night. Yeah, I'm admitting it Mulder; the rat bastard is well and truly screwed
this time. Coz what I really wanted to say that night was "Ya tebya lyublyu
Fox." I love you.
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OaTangel@aol.com
Website: http://thesleepydragon.com/nesting/darkangel.html Rating: R to NC-17 for language and suggestions—no actual sex though Pairing: Fox Mulder/Krycek Disclaimers: X-Files belongs to Fox, 1013 Productions, and Chris Carter ::mew:: I'm just borrowing them to play for a bit. Beta: Thanks to Rina—a good friend and cohort in this new obsession for all things Nick! Archive: The Nesting place; RatB if they want it anywhere else ask please. Feedback: this is my first ever X-files slash story so feedback would be much appreciated—I need the confidence booster! Summary/Spoilers: The Red and the Black—Alex's Pov as he contemplates that late night visit on his own. |
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