Learning to Fly Fuck, it's windy up here. I must have lost my mind. Fifteen
stories feels much higher than it looks. The Lake looks so... clean from
up here. As unlikely as that possibility is, it's gorgeous—like
a sea of ink.
It's also scary as hell. I never did learn to swim. Always
kinda meant to do it, but it just never really mattered that much.
I was much more into baseball and roller skates and riding bikes as a kid,
and as an adult, it was too embarrassing to admit I couldn't do something
that so many other people—like Stella— take for granted. Stella
and I had known each other for twenty years so I was running out of excuses
to avoid going into any water over three feet deep. Ah hell, she probably
figured it out years ago and just let me keep making a fool of myself.
That would be just like her.
Gotta get Stella out of my head. She never does any good there.
I'll probably never see her again anyway, now that I've... changed.
I wouldn't want her to know what I've become. Some days, I'm not
all that thrilled with the knowledge myself. It's not like I was
sitting around thinking, "Hmm, what would make my life complete?
Becoming a blood-sucking-daylight-avoiding nightcrawler, that's what!"
I didn't even know vampires existed, and now I am one. Ain't life
a contrary bitch?
Man, that water is a long way down. But Trevor swore that I couldn't
die except from sunlight or a stake through the heart. Now I have
to decide how much I trust him. So far everything that I could test
has turned out to be true. Sticking my hand in a sunbeam just for
one second proved him right about one thing—it hurt like a motherfucker.
I am never gonna do that again. I shudder just thinking about it.
This is one thing I gotta try. That leaping tall buildings in
a single bound thing is pretty cool, but I have this urge to fly.
I read it in a book once. These vampires could fly anywhere they
wanted to go. Trevor never mentioned flying, but then we only had
that one night together and after a while, we quit talking altogether.
There was so much I should have asked him, but I was too twisted up in
the whole experience to think real straight.
This desire to fly is insane. I should go right home and forget
about it. My mom might have made me a red cape when I was five, but
I'm not Superman. I'm just a guy. Just a guy who drinks blood
and will never get any older... Okay, so maybe I'm not exactly what
you'd call normal anymore...if I ever was, which I kinda doubt.
Wanting to fly's not all that insane. Wouldn't most people want
to fly if they could? I guess it's the trying that's so crazy.
Well, I haven't tried yet so I'm still all right. I can stay back
from the edge. I can stand way over here by the elevator. I'm
out of the wind, away from the edge...I'm safe.
Safe. Yeah, I'm safe right here. Nice and safe with my feet
firmly planted on the pea gravel and tarpaper. I like being safe,
don't I? It's soothing and calming and...not me at all. When
have I ever chosen my personal safety over what I really want to do?
Over what feels right? And this flying thing... This flying
thing feels like something I gotta do.
I have to fly. I don't want to. Well, I do want to, but
I'm afraid. It's fifteen stories to the ground—even more to the
water. I'll probably break every bone in my body if— when I fall.
This need is gut deep, though. It's one of those—whatcha call it—
expulsion... compulsion. Yeah, that's it, a compulsion.
The wind seems to be pushing me toward the edge now, but shouldn't it
be blowing from the other direction? Maybe someone's trying to tell
me something. Who knows? Maybe I'm supposed to fly.
Maybe...
Okay, I'm moving. Just a few more steps to the edge. That
water is an awful long way down. What am I doing? Have I lost
my freakin' mind?
It's a definite possibility.
But I'm going to do it. I think. No, I will. I'm gonna
fly. I'm going to step back and take a running start, spread my arms...
and jump.
Wow. Ohwowohwowohwowohwow....I'm doing it. I'm flying—so
fast the wind whistles past my ears—didn't expect that, but hey, I'm not
plummeting to the ground. Amazing! I'm really doing it.
"YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!" Take that Chrissy Aguilera for calling
me a geek in sixth grade and saying you'd rather kiss a toad than me.
And Coach Morgan for not letting me play first base even though I thought
I could do it. Take that Dad for saying how much I disappointed you.
And Stella for leaving me. I am more than you thought. No
more misfit loser. I can do something none of you can do... I can
fly.
All I need's a cape and I will be Superman. Ha! I'll bet
that Mountie's never known anyone who could fly. I wonder how he'd
like that? Hey Fraser, want to go flying with me? Yeah, that's
it. Bet your cop buddy can't give you this, huh? No, I'm the
man.
I can fly, damn it. Straight out over Lake Michigan, tilt the
body for a slow sweeping turn back toward the shore and...
The wind chills me as it rushes by, and it pushes me down, down toward
the black churning water of the Lake. I'm falling in slow motion,
spinning around and around. The stars are like a pinwheel before
my eyes. It's incredible. It's so beautiful, and it's so...cold.
Fuck, that hurt! I think I cracked a rib or two.
"Ahhh! Fuck!" Okay, screaming is bad because water goes
in the mouth. Stop panicking, Ray. You won't die! What
the fuck...? Whose voice is that in my head? It sounds like
the Mountie. I've never even spoken to him, but I'm hearing his voice?
Been thinking about him too much, I guess.
Don't panic, he says. Yeah right. I don't want to drown
and I'm sinking. Sinking into the cold deep. Dark and silent,
except for the blood pounding in my ears like it's trying to escape.
Cold nasty water burns down my throat and in my nose. Don't wanna
drown, don't wanna die. Don't panic, Ray.
Don't panic, okay I can do that or not do that. I just need
to calm down, stop flailing around, open my eyes, and try to figure out
which way is up. Ow, that burns. And it's all darkness anyway.
I might as well have kept my eyes closed.
My feet hit something that I don't want to wonder about, and it hits
me that I should push. So I push off with all my strength and I shoot
in the direction I desperately hope is up. My head breaks free
of the surface and the air rushes into my lungs. For a precious golden
second, I can breathe again, then the water rushes back in and I start
to sink. I'm kicking and flapping my arms by instinct, and my head
stays up so I must be doing something right. I don't care how stupid
I undoubtedly look. I can see the edge of the lake a couple dozen
feet in front of me.
The concrete retaining wall is really not so far away. I can get
there... somehow. I know I can. Okay, this kicking and flapping
thing is keeping me up, so how can I make it take me forward? Maybe
stop flapping and just kick. No, then the head goes under.
What if I kinda flap in front of my body and kick behind at the same
time? Yeah, oh yeah. We've got some movement here. All
right!
So eventually I reach the shallow water by the wall. It feels
like it took hours, but I tell myself and my aching body that it was only
a couple of minutes. Pulling myself up onto the top of the wall is
not as easy as it would have been from dry land, but I manage it somehow.
I think I'll just lie here and gasp for a minute. Yeah, that's
good. Now I'll try a deep breath... which hurts like a son of a bitch.
Okay, we'll go back to gasping. That was working pretty well.
I'm lying here staring up at the stars. The water, that soaks
my clothes and drips off into an ever-widening puddle, smells disgusting.
One of the drawbacks to this vampire thing is that I can pick out some
of the individual odors now, and... oh yuck, I'd rather not think
about it. The wind is blowing across me as if it's determined to
turn me into a Popsicle. I know I should be getting up and heading
home, or at least getting away from here before someone comes to investigate
all the racket I've probably been making. But all I can think about...the
one thing on my mind as I watch the tiny pinpricks of light in the sky
is flying.
I was flying. I flew. I have flown. Maybe it was only
a couple of minutes, but I did fly and it was fantastic. Maybe the
most incredible thing that's ever happened to me, and I can't even tell
anybody. But I know, and that's enough for now.
I may have to try it again some time...when it's warmer.
Permanent Midnight II
by Amy B
A soul in tension that's learning to fly
Condition grounded but determined to try
Can't keep my eyes from the circling skies
Tongue-tied and twisted just an earthbound misfit, I
—From "Learning to Fly" by Pink Floyd
