It wasn't enough, just to have him this close to me. It wasn't enough to
have a gun on him. It still wasn't enough when I fucked him either. I really
don't know what possessed me to do it. Perhaps it was all the years that I
had spent, blaming him for so much, adding him in with all the plots and
conspiracies. I had wanted to place blame, get revenge, on anyone, who
crossed my path. He was just in the wrong place, at the wrong time. It's
still not enough to know that I had him. I'm afraid it will never been
enough, and that I'll want him forever.
Two weeks earlier
It was late when I came home Friday night, almost two in the morning. Scully
had been bitching at me all day to "go home" and "get some rest". I couldn't
force myself to just drop the lead I had gotten on Krycek. I had sat at my
desk for hours and hours, and I'm sure that by the end of the day, I had
looked like some kind of heroin addict. I hadn't eaten or drank anything,
even though Scully had brought me coffee, a salad and water during the
course of the day. I just couldn't pull away from the file in front of me.
Finally, after convincing myself that the search for the rat bastard was
pointless, he had dropped out of the picture a year ago, I grabbed my coat
and stumbled out of the office, in a mindless daze.
When I got home, I took a shower and got dressed, after which I was
surprisingly more alert and awake. I glanced at my VCR and saw an orange
light blinking. I remembered that I had taped a basketball game that was on
today, and I had been planning on watching that tonight along with a good
porno while my right hand entertained me.
I sighed with impending happiness and was about to sit down when I realized
that I was all out of beer. It just didn't seem right to spend such an
evening without a beer or two. So I decided to run out to the corner liquor
store.
By the time I jogged into the small store, there was a steady downpour of
rain falling from the sky. I pushed some wet strands of hair from my face
and went to the back of the store and grabbed a case of beer and headed to
the front to pay.
I approached the counter just as a man in a black coat took his bottle of
vodka to leave. The bell tinkled overhead as he left, and I set my case of
Budweiser on the wooden counter.
I glanced out the window and watched the man stop to look at his watch just
outside. I studied his profile for a brief moment before I recognized him.
It was Alex Krycek indeed. I gave an impatient wave to the storeowner and
left my beer there, and headed out into the rain to follow Krycek, who was
walking to a black car parked in an alley.
I began to jog up to him, but he slowed and cocked his head, sensing my
approach, and he broke into a run. The momentum carried me and I caught up
to him in a flash, cursing my lack of a gun, which was sitting in my holster
in the foyer of my apartment.
I grabbed his right arm and with my other arm, I swung him around and
slammed him up against the brick wall. I heard a crash, and glanced to see
his bottle of vodka on the ground, broken. For a moment I was mesmerized and
I watched as the clear liquid mixed with the filthy puddles in the
garbage-filled alley. Krycek was panting, and I brought my eyes to his.
"You son of a bitch! What the hell are you doing here?!"
He swallowed hard and didn't fight me. That superior look crept into his
eyes as the adrenaline from the chase wore off.
"Just buying a drink Mulder, like you." He smirked and that only made me
angrier. I brought my arm up to his neck, just like I had done in Hong Kong
and Russia. I wanted to crush his windpipe. I could feel the warmth of his
skin, I could feel every breath he took. A surge of power hit me and I
shifted my feet to steady myself.
"Shut up!" I hissed, trying to think of exactly what I was going to do. The
last thing that I was going to let happen is to have this motherfucker slip
through my fingers again. I glared at him, and I focused on the mocking look
in his eyes that was mixed with...boredom? Impatience? I could never figure
this guy out. I growled and assessed my situation. No gun, no cuffs.
"Listen Krycek, you are coming with me back to my apartment. You will go
quietly and obediently, if you don't...well, I'll kill you."
He sneered at me, not buying into my obvious hollow threats, but what else
could I do? I whirled him around so his cheek was pushed up against the wall
and I could grab his hands and hold them behind his back. I grabbed his
right wrist and then went for his left, only then realizing that his left
arm was a prosthetic.
Flashbacks of Russia shot through my memory and I swallowed hard, suddenly
overcome with embarrassment for him, for some reason. I felt my cheeks go
red and I couldn't form any words in my mouth.
I glanced up to him and I saw him clench his jaw and I barely made out a
faint blush on his cheeks as well. It looked like he was bleeding just below
the surface. I shook my head as to clear out any thoughts that didn't
pertain to getting Krycek into a room without windows so I could kick his
ass, and if I was lucky enough to get him angry enough to do something to
make me angry enough, then I would kill him.
Sensing that he wouldn't be bold enough to strike me with his prosthetic, I
let it go and twisted his right arm in a rather uncomfortable position
behind him and I proceeded to lead him down the ally with me leading him
from behind.
Surprisingly, he did go without a fight, maybe he was just waiting for a
better opportunity to escape, since his chances were slim that he could
break out of my grasp and somehow lose me on this empty city block.
By now I was soaking, and so was he, and I decided after a moments
hesitation to entwine my fingers with his to get a better grip on his hand.
He didn't seem to notice, but I noticed now that his hand was shaking, but
not from fear or anticipation, it was more like the type of shaking that
accompanied certain medications as a side effect.
We walked in silence and I took the time to mentally retreat and study him a
bit. He was wearing black dress pants, black leather jacket and from what I
saw earlier, a dark blue dress shirt with a white t-shirt underneath. I had
to admit to myself that his attire had certainly improved since the time he
was my partner.
I was a bit shocked that he hadn't spoken yet; he had a habit of saying the
stupidest things to worm his way out of a bad situation.
By the time we got to my apartment building, the rain had nearly stopped,
and I knew that both of us would have to get out of these wet clothes, and
since I planned on taking my time with this rat bastard, I would have to
insist that he take a shower tonight as well. I mentally paused when I
realized that I hadn't shuddered at the thought of Krycek naked, in my
house. I sighed, knowing that I had a male/male porno sitting at home in my
VCR at that very moment.
"Don't you fucking move." I growled as I pulled the door open to the
building, and I did the same at my apartment door. I felt a slight twinge of
embarrassment again when I realized how messy my apartment was and I vaguely
wondered why the hell I wanted to impress Krycek.
I shoved him into the foyer roughly and immediately went for my cuffs. I
looked at him as I grabbed his right wrist and clicked the cuff around it.
His eyes were dark and oddly enough, blank. It was as if he was watching
someone ring up groceries for him in a supermarket. Even as that thought
came to mind, I still couldn't see Alex Krycek in a supermarket.
I dragged him over to the bathroom and slapped the other cuff around the
towel rack. I knew how easily he could have escaped, but for some reason I
felt that I was...testing him. I glared at him, trying to look angry when
all I really felt was curiosity. I was indeed curious about this so called
"Dark Angel" and I had a fleeting thought about how soft and tanned his skin
looked. My eyes quickly avoided that lush looking skin and I licked my lips
nervously.
"I'm going to take a shower Krycek. Don't fucking make me kill
you...and...don't ask why the hell I cuffed you here. There was nowhere else
I could. I don't usually house wanted felons in my apartment."
Once again, he threw me off guard by saying nothing.
"Just stand there and don't do anything." I finally said and took off my
shoes and socks while sitting on the toilet. As I did so, I realized that I
had not checked for a weapon on him, but I was again puzzled by the lack of
fear from being in the presence of him. I stripped down to my t-shirt and
boxers and stepped into the shower and finished getting undressed, taking
care to make sure to toss my underclothes onto the counter, and not onto
Krycek, except by now in my head, I was calling him Alex.
I slipped deep into thought while showering and I was amazed that Alex
Krycek was standing in my bathroom, handcuffed to my towel rack. I
entertained the idea that something was wrong with him, that he was
desperate, and that was why he had been so submissive. My thoughts drifted
to his lack of a certain extremity and I shuddered.
I remembered how close I was to getting my own arm hacked off and I also
remembered how it felt... just to know that the idea was seriously being
considered by those poor, confused Russians. I assumed he had lost it in
Russia, but did that really make sense when he was so friendly with the
leaders of the work camp that we were both held captive in? I shrugged it
off, not willing to speculate further on such thoughts. Though, I did notice
a twinge of sympathy for him.
That shocked me further. I berated myself in my head while I shampooed. Why
on earth was I doing this? Why was I thinking about these things? Why the
fuck was I letting Alex Krycek into my apartment even with him in my
custody! Why did I not feel worried that he might escape or try to hurt me?
I took a deep breath and told myself to focus, so I could sort those
questions out slowly. I would bide my time and give Krycek the benefit of
the doubt...hopefully he would still be standing there when I got out of the
shower.
Okay, Mulder. Think. You have Krycek with you because he still holds the
answers to so many questions that have haunted you for so long.
I expected myself to continue though my list of questions, but I realized I
didn't have an answer to the way I was handling this situation. I turned and
twisted off the tap, listening for any sounds of attempted escape. I heard
Krycek shift and take a deep breath over the drip of the water. Satisfied, I
went to push the curtain aside when it hit me. I didn't have a towel. Damn!
I really didn't feel confident enough to have Krycek see me naked, but I
gathered as much courage as possible and did the next best thing.
"Krycek? Could you grab me a towel from the..."
I wasn't the neatest person in the world, and I usually kept my towels on
the floor, and again, I felt a slight blush creep into my cheeks. Why did I
care what Krycek thought of my apartment?! Brushing the thought aside, I
tried again.
"Could you grab me a towel?"
I was hoping there would be one in his accessible vicinity. I listened and
heard the rattle of handcuffs and an exhale of breath and then the "whoosh"
of a towel being draped over the curtain.
"Thanks."
No reply from him. As I wrapped the towel around my waist, I thought about
what he was trying to do. I didn't study psychology for nothing. I perked a
brow and came to the conclusion that he was trying to psyche me out by
playing his stoicism card. I smiled to myself as I stepped out, laying the
latter card on the table as well.
Krycek didn't even look at me. I looked him over with a critical eye.
"Get undressed." I said sternly.
He raised sharp green eyes to me, all emotion shielded over effectively. I
looked at him expectantly. He then gave me a look that said: "You are a dumb
ass."
I responded by rolling my eyes.
"I'm not going to have you dripping water all over my apartment."
Finally, he spoke his mind, and the words that came out were dripping with
sarcasm.
"Are we going to have a slumber party or something? Why the fuck do you want
me to take a shower?" He perked an amused brow before continuing. "I'm
starting to suspect ulterior motives here."
The thoughts that sprang into my head after that comment might as well have
been a punch in the gut. At first. They came to me as a tidal wave, and even
though it was obvious he meant nothing by the implication of the words, they
stung me. But after a moment the sting faded away, as if the tidal wave had
settled and now I was being rocked back and forth on the gentle waves.
Yet, remembering my earlier resolution, my stoicism didn't falter.
I frowned at him and then I felt the blood rush from my cheeks. I froze and
tried to act thoughtful while attempting a quick, subtle glance downwards.
Only then did I realize that the thoughts that had been racing through my
head did break my stoicism. In a way. I had a nice little towel tent below
my waist. I panicked and glared at him.
"Just... do something! You're taking a god damn shower Krycek!"
With that, I fled the room, disappointed that my dignity was left behind. I
went into my bedroom and shut the door and sat on my bed.
I closed my eyes and told myself to be honest. I was, and surprisingly, this
truth felt like a warm smoldering of ashes in my chest.
I was attracted to Alex Krycek. Fuck.
Not Enough
by Alicia Westwood
Prologue
