by Viridian5
Victor kept walking. "I already admitted I was wrong about
McCoy. You're not getting anything else out of me."
"This is about McCoy too. McCoy and Gunther Ustenik and your
reaction to them."
Vic stopped with a sigh. "What the hell are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the way it turned you on to watch McCoy
torture him."
"I wasn't—"
"Your eyes were wide, and your mouth open slightly. You were
panting a little while we were watching it. You had your palm on
the glass! I know what arousal looks like." Once the words started,
they flowed out in a gush. Mac would let himself feel the pain
later. He'd started to believe in Vic's corny good guy routine,
believe in a man who helped people just because it was the right
thing to do. Now he felt he'd been suckered and punished for
daring to trust. The hell if he felt good about lusting after someone
who could enjoy what they saw McCoy doing. "Was it okay
because Ustenik is a criminal? We can threaten to blow his hand
off and kill him then?"
Vic looked stricken. But guilty too. Oh so guilty. "No, Mac, I—"
Mac couldn't face him. "Because I was a criminal and so was Li
Ann. In the eyes of the law, you're one too. Tell me what was
going through your head, and try to make it sound good. If it turns
out you're some kind of sadist, I swear to you you're going to find
out that how difficult I am now is nothing compared to what I
can be. The Director can force me to work with you, but I'll make
your life a living hell."
Mac finally dared to look at Victor, and the shame and self-
loathing blazing in that face reassured and horrified him at once.
Reassured because Victor couldn't be bad if that reaction had
caused him such pain. Horrified because Mac didn't ever want to
see Vic look like that. The urge to comfort hit him as hard as the
lust usually did.
He throttled it down just as successfully. "Well, Vic?"
Victor took a deep breath. "I'm not... not a sadist. I hate people
that... Do you know that my partner used to have to pull me off
suspects? I couldn't stop hitting them. I'd just go berserk. I
became a cop out of a love for justice but also because I could
exorcise a part of my self I hated on people I felt deserved it." He
ran his hand through his hair and looked away. "I know better
now, especially since I found out for myself how easy it is to
become a criminal."
"Exercise?"
"No, exorcise. Get it out; get rid of it. I could say that a child
learns from what he sees, but I'm not using that as an excuse. Oh,
hell."
"You're not making sense." Or you're making too much sense.
Are you telling me what I think you are? Please, no.
Victor looked so beaten. "There's a side of me that felt so helpless
once that it's insane with rage and the urge to hurt. To feel
powerful by making other people feel how I did once... I don't... I
don't enjoy that I enjoy it; does that make any sense?"
Mac wanted to make the rushing, jumbled words, the pain, stop.
"Yeah. Yeah, it does."
"I try so hard to be good."
"I know you do, Vic. It's okay. I'm sorry I asked."
Vic shook his head. "No, you had a right to. God, when I think
how close I can be to McCoy—"
"But you're not, okay?" Mac put his hand on Vic's shoulder. To
his surprise, his partner didn't shrug it off. He really is upset.
"It's like you said before about why we're different from him.
You're fighting it. He doesn't. He doesn't ever wonder if he's
doing wrong." Greatly daring, Mac pulled him in close for a near
hug. "Your better side is the one that usually wins."
"Sure."
Mac knew the sound of agreement-to-end-the-talk. "I'm not lying
to you."
"Mac—"
"I'm not lying."
For one long, glorious moment, Vic relaxed into the hold and just
steadied his breathing, steadied himself. Once the shuddering
stopped, he gently pulled away, looking a bit uncomfortable. Mac
let him go.
But he still couldn't look at Mac. "I'm going to go home now."
And bury all this, no doubt. "No. We stay here until you believe
me when I say I believe in you."
"Then we'll be here all night."
Mac leaned against the wall, his whole stance saying he could
make himself comfortable and do the wait. "Then we stay here all
night."
Vic exploded in frustration. "Why are you doing this? I don't
want to get into this! I never should have said a damned thing!
It's not going to happen."
Mac's spine stiffened. Is he calling me a liar? Acid words leapt
to his tongue, but he choked them back. He wouldn't let it happen
this time. If they started bickering again, they'd just verbally jab at
one another until they drew blood, dropping the real subject,
resolving nothing. And he's not really doubting my word, is he?
He's doubting himself.
Wonder if this newfound maturity and clarity will still be around
tomorrow? Probably not.
"Now you're lashing out at me," Mac said, which calmed Vic into
quiet, but a horrified, self-loathing quiet. Shit! "I didn't mean it
that way! Vic, you realized you have a problem, and you're
fighting it. You're not an evil person." Some people would have
problems ending up doing the argument opposite to the one they
started with, but not me. Besides, this is right. And he's
torturing himself worse than I ever could anyway.
"You can't make me accept any justifications for it."
"I'm not doing that. I just want you to know that those few times
you've let it out can't negate all the good things you've done. I
want you to know that you can talk to me. Vic, I know you don't
like to talk about yourself—hell, I don't like to talk about myself
either—but sometimes it can do some good. I wouldn't use it
against you."
Victor looked exhausted, run over. "All right, Mac."
It still had a tinge of "whatever it takes to shut you up" to it, but it
also had the sound of a tiny bit of acceptance. "I'm holding you to
that. We're going to talk about this again."
"It's late, Mac." Vic sounded about three years old, but a cute three
years old.
Mac smiled in as comforting a way as he could manage. "Go
home and get some sleep, Vic. I understand."
Victor looked so lost that Mac wanted to kiss him well. "You....
Okay. Good night." Vic walked away into the night but looked
back once or twice.
With the confrontation over and Victor no longer there to distract
him, Mac had time to think about what had been said and done and
get a bit scared. Soul-baring. Hugging. Too much, too fast...
The thought that he wanted to get to know all of Victor's sides, no
matter how scary some of the them might turn out to be, only made
it worse.
Damn. This is love, isn't it?
ey, Vic, wait up. I have to talk to you. Alone."
