by Ratfink
The moment Mac heard the name he knew that this was going to be trouble. The man
who stood at the door looked totally normal and decent, and when he saw Vic, his
eyes started to glow with admiration. Vic also reacted with a joy Mac would have
never expected, knowing part of their past. Mac couldn't help feeling a jealous
sting when he saw Victor smile at the intruder, and he wished for a second that
he could just close the door and forget that there was someone waiting outside.
Nobody had made a move so far, and the good-looking stranger seemed to be waiting
for something to happen. The moment Leo saw him, something happened, finally. She
moved beside Mac, who was still closest to Nep, and spoke up in a voice that held
a malice that shook him to the core. He had never thought that this nice girl,
who seemed so relaxed and happy only a second ago, could turn into this cold
person that he found now beside him.
"How come I knew you would turn up here?"
"Leo? What are you doing here? I didn't know you knew where he was!"
"Shut up, don't give me that shit. You followed me down here; how else could you
know where he was? I should have known that you would try to pull a stunt like
this. There is something you forgot though. You are not allowed to get this close
to me. You heard the judge, so you better leave now, or I will call the police. I
don't think you would like to risk that, now would you!"
"Calm down, baby. I just didn't know you were here, and now that I know, I will
leave. I just wanted to talk to Vic, so I guess we'll go somewhere else to talk."
With those words, he looked back at Vic, who was obviously trying to figure out
what to do. The moment Mac meant to step forward to get rid of the unwelcome
guest, Vic held him back with a light touch on his arm. Mac turned to him, seeing
that Vic was willing to follow Nep, but he couldn't believe it. That was not the
man he knew. There was more going on between the three of them than he had
thought so far. He just knew one thing for sure, and that was that he didn't want
Vic to go with this guy. No, not at all.
"Vic," that was Leo, addressing Vic now, who had taken a tentative step towards
his ex-lover, "you don't have to, you know that. Can you just stay here? We'll
think of something, you don't have to go to court with me, just don't go with
him. You know what he'll do..."
She trailed off there, leaving Mac even more worried than he was before. But Vic
did not react at all. He still looked at Nep, mesmerized by his eyes. He had
loved this man. For ten years. He knew him, knew his smell, his touch, remembered
the way they used to be close, the way they used to make love. He would give him
this chance to talk. It was something he had to do, and he couldn't stop himself
from thinking that this was the only man who had ever loved him. He was also the
only man who would ever be able to love him. He had made sure of this by leaving
Vic damaged, broken. He just wanted to talk. He wouldn't do the same things
again; they were not together anymore. He couldn't listen to anything Leo told
him. If he did, he would have to admit to himself that he had wasted these ten
years. Wasted not only his life, but also the life of his friend. The one friend
who had trusted him to do the right thing. Maybe he could make things all right.
Maybe he could tell Nep to stay away, and he would do it. He knew that Nep loved
him, and maybe he would be able to manipulate him. Just this once, into doing
what was right. Before anyone was able to react, he took Nep's outstretched hand
and stepped with him out the door into the hall. Leo, seeing this, took a few
steps backwards, almost bumping into Li Ann, who observed this scene with
surprise. Mac tried to stop Vic from leaving, but he was too late. The door had
already closed, and Mac had the terrible feeling that there was something really
going wrong. He was still thinking about following Vic and bringing him back when
Leo spoke up again.
"Let him go. It's his choice after all. It's been his choice for so long, and
there is nothing you can do to stop him. Believe me, I tried. It's just so much
harder for him than it was for me. I grew up hating my brother and loving Vic
like my brother. But Vic had only Nep. He loved him, he came to live with us, so
it's harder for him to turn his back on it. Maybe he needs whatever outcome this
will have, to make him understand..."
Li Ann, who had remained silent until now, looked at Mac, who surrendered to the
question she didn't need to ask. She had come here, sensing that something was
wrong, but this was too much. She needed Mac to tell her what was going on, and
then they would have to get the old Vic back. And fast.
Mac turned to her, indicating to her to sit down, since this would take a while.
While Leo and Mac took turns telling Li Ann what the story was, Mac learned a few
more facts he did not really want to know.
The three of them had spent half the night sitting in Vic's apartment, trying to
figure out a way to help him. Leo hadn't revealed a lot about Vic's problems with
Nep, but the things that had happened to her were more than enough. The way she
talked about this seemed strange, since she kept a distance from her own past
that surprised Li Ann as well as Mac. But maybe that was just her way of
surviving this. Her parents had died early, and her brother had brought her up.
He wasn't really aggressive, and most of the time he was great to be around. Then
there would be moments where he turned into someone she didn't know anymore.
These times scared her even as a little child, a time in which he wouldn't touch
her. He knew that bruises on her would be noticed. He was a cop, someone people
paid attention to, and he would not endanger his position. The beatings started
shortly after Vic moved in with them, and Nep needed a way to punish her. She had
started to be a bit more headstrong, but he always had ways to keep people small.
With a mixture of strategically placed punches and continuous harassment he had
kept her small. The longer Leo talked about her past, the more worried Mac was
about letting Vic go with him. He had the distinct feeling that Vic would give in
to Nep, and looking at Leo, he knew that she feared the same thing. Li Ann was
taking it more calmly than he would have thought, and while they talked about
what actions they could take, she proved to be as supportive as Mac was. That
made Mac feel bad, because he had treated Li Ann as if he was the only one who
cared for Vic, and she did not deserve that kind of treatment. She also avoided
asking about Mac and Vic's relationship, for which he was extremely grateful.
Leo didn't really care if Vic would go to court supporting her, she already felt
bad enough that she had been the one who showed Nep where Vic was. She just
wanted Vic back and safe and with Mac. She could see how deeply the man cared for
Vic, and that warmed her heart. She just hoped that he would still feel the same
way, if he ever found out the entire truth about them. There were so many things
that were better left unsaid, but somehow she feared that they would not be able
to keep their secrets much longer.
They had decided to go home when they realized that they were just waiting for
Vic to return, and they didn't know how to explain their presence in his
apartment to him once he came home, without putting too much pressure on him.
Before Li Ann and Mac left, Mac made Leo promise him that she would call him as
soon as Vic showed up again. They would start searching for him the next morning,
if he wasn't home by then.
When Mac returned home, he was tired, but sleep wouldn't come. He knew he
wouldn't be able to rest until he was sure that Vic was back home and safe, so he
decided to work a little bit. He contacted a few sources, trying to find
something about Vic's and Nep's past. After a few phone calls he didn't know much
more then before, but he felt more and more desperate. He started pacing around
the room and trying desperately not to call Leo before dawn. She would have
called him if she knew anything. That was when he suddenly heard something. He
was already alert, so within seconds he was at the door where the noise came from
and opened it, looking into the eyes of the one man he wanted to see.
Before he was able to say anything, Vic closed the door and pushed him to the
wall, where he captured Mac's mouth, all the while moving closer. Mac couldn't do
anything but groaning at the contact. He felt Vic's erection against his thigh,
and that was the moment he lost whatever control he possessed. He had been so
worried, and now Vic was back with him, where he belonged, and there was nothing
that would keep him from fucking the man silly tonight. The moment Mac started
responding, Vic lost his hard grip on the younger man's neck and gave himself up
to the sensations to come. He came here for that. He wanted to feel Mac so deep
inside him that he could forget everything else. He needed him now. No delay, no
preparation. He needed the pain even more than the gentleness. It would help to
erase 'him'. Mac didn't know anymore what he was doing; he didn't know how they
both shed their clothes, or how they made it to the bedroom, but he could feel
Vic's hands urging him to go faster. He held the older man down, straddling his
hips, as he leant in for another breath taking kiss. Above their labored
breathing, he almost missed Vic saying, "Mac, I need you to fuck me. Do it now!"
There was a desperation in his voice that stopped Mac for a second, but one look
in Vic's eyes was all he needed to be totally lost again. He couldn't let go of
this man now, and he would do everything he needed him to. He reached for the
dresser beside his bed and pulled open the drawer. He had kept the lube there,
hoping for this, feeling slightly stupid and childish when buying it for a man
who did not want a relationship with him. Now he was entirely grateful that he
had done so. Vic was obviously not willing to wait for long, and before Mac could
even open the tube, he took it out of Macs hands, throwing it aside. He indicated
that he wanted Mac now, no lube. He seemed beyond reason, not able to form a
single word, so Mac just spat on his hand, using his index finger to prepare Vic.
There was no way that he would take the man without any preparation, so he
settled for this compromise. While he was moving his finger slowly, sliding it in
the narrow crevice, he felt Vic shudder under the touch. Vic was pushing himself
on his finger, begging for more, until Mac added a second finger, now stretching
the man. Vic suddenly grabbed Mac's hand and hurled it away from his tight
asshole, and before Mac was able to comprehend what was happening, Vic impaled
himself on Mac's cock, which was as hard as it would ever get and screaming for
release. Mac used his now free hands to go through Vic's sparse chest hair,
twisting his nipples while doing so, when he suddenly saw the red trail of blood
that his fingers created. Vic saw it the same moment and tried to hold Mac
closer, but the younger man slipped out of Vic and was out the bed, looking at
Vic in disbelief.
"What the hell....?"
He couldn't believe that this was happening. He looked again at his fingers that
were coated with blood, and he couldn't stop feeling as if he was in a bad horror
movie. Vic followed him, talking in a low monotone voice.
"I know this is bad, but if you could just....I don't know,.....pretend it's not
like this. I need you. I want you to take me. Fast and hard. Pretend it's not me
you're fucking. I wont mind. I just want you to make me forget him. Make me
forget what I am!"
While he talked, he started crying, and he knew what a pathetic sight he was, but
he needed this now. More than he needed pride. Mac hadn't looked at him, but he
felt sure that he could get the other man to do him. He knew what a turn on it
was to fuck someone who was bleeding and begging for more. That was something he
learned from Nep. One of his lessons so to speak. Mac wouldn't be any different.
He remembered Nep's glassy look when he started whimpering, still asking for
more, begging to be filled. When he was the center of Nep's attention, he felt
complete. He felt as if he was someone Nep cared about, for he knew in this
moment he would give his life for him. He didn't want to be like that anymore. He
was sick of being his whore. He wanted Mac. Mac, who was the only one helping him
to forget where he came from. It had to be like this. He knew it. The moment he
had left the apartment with Nep, he had known what it would lead to, and he had
accepted it. It was his punishment for the time they had spent apart, and now it
was over. He could just turn away from it all and start a new life. Alone.
Without Nep. He just wanted to take this with him. The memory of Mac rather than
the memory of Nep. He couldn't take this waiting. He needed Mac to give him an
answer.
"Mac, get over it and do it. You want me, I'm here. What's the problem? Is it
that he had me first? I don't care, it doesn't mean a thing. I never asked you
for something before, but I need you to drive into me as fast as you can."
That was when he finally realized that Mac was crying. That enraged him. How dare
he be crying? He went through it. Mac didn't. All he wanted was Mac's cock
filling him; it wasn't as if he was asking for his love or respect. The only
thing he could do was act on his impulses. The rage filling him was so much
stronger than anything else he ever experienced. He was not Victor Mansfield,
nice guy extraordinaire, anymore. He was the man Nep always wanted him to be, and
as this man, he would fight to survive. He grabbed Mac and hauled him off the bed
and halfway across the room. Mac, who was shocked at the sudden outburst, tried
to stand up. Before he could do so, Vic sat on his chest, holding him down,
strangling him. He saw Mac's face turning red, and it was maybe the most
satisfying sight he ever enjoyed. He could do it. He could just hold on like this
to Mac's throat, and the pain would stop. Everything would stop. No more
memories. No more hurt. He knew it; this was the solution. He saw Mac's
desperation, and it felt as if all of his desperation vanished the same moment.
Now he knew why Nep did what he did. He felt so powerful. Mac uttered no sound,
but his hand reached up to Vic's face. Too weak to really fight back, he simply
cupped the older man's cheek. That was when Vic finally realized what he was
doing. He let go of Mac instantly, looking at his hands, feeling the whole world
start to spin. Before he could form a single thought, he fell over on Mac's
chest, seeking the darkness of unconsciousness.
Mac still couldn't believe that this had just happened. For a moment there, it
had felt as if this was the end. Vic, the man he loved, the most loyal and honest
and kind person he ever met, nearly killed him. He coughed a few more times, just
making sure he was still alive and everything was still working as it should. He
felt terribly drowsy, and Vic's weight on top of his chest was not helping him
breathe. He managed to roll Vic from his chest and struggled to stand up. The
moment he stood, he felt better. The blood left his head, and he could start
thinking again. He walked slowly over to his bed and sat down. If he closed his
eyes, he could still feel Vic's hands travelling all over his body. Everything
was in slow motion, and he saw the blood, saw Vic's eyes that were filled with
passion, or maybe it was pain. What had happened? What was going on here? The man
he knew was not there anymore. He was buried somewhere beneath this fear and
murderous rage. There was a soft moan coming from Vic that drew Mac's attention
back to the problem at hand. What to do with Vic. He went over to his partner and
looked down at him. He looked feverish, and the sweat was dripping from his face.
He bent over him and picked him up gently. Even though Vic was a bit heavier than
himself, he managed to carry him to the bed and put him down there. There was
something he needed to check while Vic was unconscious, and he was not looking
forward to this. He turned Vic so he could have a look at his still red and
slightly bleeding anus. He remembered the first aid kit he had acquired shortly
after starting to work for the Agency and went to get it from the living room. He
had his own experiences with this, and he was not proud of it, but now he was
grateful. He used the disinfectant, while making sure that there weren't any
dangerous wounds. As far as he could see, it should heal okay, but that was just
physical. He still didn't know what exactly had happened, but from the way Vic
had acted today, he could figure out part, and it would take a while to heal.
There was another moan from Vic, and he nuzzled into the pillow. He looked calm
for now, but Mac knew that there would be nightmares. He couldn't do much right
now but put a cover over Vic, who started shaking a bit. Then he pulled up a
chair beside the bed, getting ready to monitor Vic's unconsciousness. If the
older man didn't wake up soon, he was going to have to call someone. He hoped
though that he could deal with Vic first.
The first thing he felt when coming awake was the heaviness of the blanket that
was covering him and someone holding his hand. Slowly he opened his eyes, only to
look straight into the eyes of Mac, who regarded him with concern. He saw the
marks on Mac's neck, and suddenly the memories hit him. He had tried to kill the
man he thought he loved. He turned his head away, ashamed. If he could just curl
under this cover and die, it would be a salvation. He didn't want this. He didn't
want to look into Mac's eyes, explaining to him why he had tried to strangle him.
It was too much. Too much pain, and he lost sight of why he was doing the things
he was doing.
A week ago everything had seemed to be so simple. No relationship with a man.
Never again. Intellectually, he knew that not all man were the same, but his
heart told him differently. The fear was too strong; there was too much risk. So
he had promised himself that he would not allow Mac to take his heart. Well, that
backfired. The first time they had kissed, the first time he had felt his touch,
he had been lost. He had had the strength to send him away, but he wasn't able to
keep him away. When Leo had come back into his life, he had felt better. He
wasn't ready to face Nep, but Leo was his friend, and he wanted her with him. Mac
was his friend, too. He had promised Vic to help him, and that made him love him
even more. He enjoyed the closeness of him, enjoyed having someone care about
him. If only Nep hadn't returned. There were so many things he wanted to forget
about his past. He had been a slut. The dirtiest guy on the block. How could he
expect Mac, or Li Ann to be there for him? He had made a choice. He had accepted
whatever Nep gave him, and he had wanted more. Never in his life had he felt as
dirty and low as in this moment. He had thrown himself at Mac, had begged for him
to invade his body, and then he had tried to kill him. He felt a tear dropping on
his hand, and realized surprised that it was not his tear. That made him turn
around his head, and he looked at Mac. He couldn't believe what he was seeing.
There were silent tears rolling down this beloved face, and there was nothing he
could think of to say. Mac started muttering to him. At first he couldn't make
out the words, but he understood when Mac said he was sorry. He wanted to tell
him to stop, he wanted to apologize, but he couldn't find the voice to do so.
Instead he squeezed the hand that was still holding on to his. Mac looked up and
their eyes met.
"I'm sorry Vic. Everything, everything you want. I'll give it to you. But I can't
hurt you. I'll help you forget, I'll kill him for you, I don't care, but I will
not hurt you."
Without having to think about it, Vic opened his arms, pulling Mac down onto the
bed with him. While Mac was sobbing quietly, Vic took a closer look at the red
marks that had formed on Mac's throat. Slowly he kissed a trail along them, as if
trying to undo what caused them.
"You are sorry? I was the one hurting you, and I can't tell you how sorry I am
about this. I was not thinking straight. I just wanted to....I don't even know
what I wanted. I know you'll do anything for me. And even if you don't, I won't
mind. You've been a better friend to me in the last days, than anyone else."
Mac saw what Vic was trying to do. He wanted to demonstrate that he was okay, and
if Mac let him, he would leave and pretend as if nothing ever happened. Not with
him though. He had allowed Vic to go with Nep, even though he had a hunch that
the other man wanted to hurt Vic. He would not do something like that again.
Having Vic's arms around him helped him more than anything else to think clearly
again. He must stop crying, and he must act quickly. That was what he knew.
Without any further talking, he kissed Vic on the shoulder and stood up. Vic
looked at him surprised, and Mac brushed his index finger over Vic's cheek to
reassure the man that he was not about to leave him. He walked into the living
room and dialed a number that was even more familar to him than his own. Leo
picked up at the first ring, and he asked her to come over. She didn't ask any
questions. That was one of the things he was learning to appreciate in her. She
acted. She didn't waste time talking. Then he returned to the bed, where Vic was
about to stand up. From the look on the older man's face, he saw that he was
still in pain, not that he would ever admit that. He walked over to the bed,
indicating to Vic to lie back down. Vic struggled a moment, but Mac wouldn't have
any of that.
"Calm down, buddy. Why don't you relax, until Leo gets here? We could talk if you
want to, or you can just sleep a little bit more. Before you think you can avoid
the talking part, I want to make one thing totally clear for you. I will not
allow you to leave this apartment until you talk about what the hell this asshole
did to you. I don't even know yet if I should let you go after that. I will make
sure that he doesn't get close to you ever again."
It was a statement. He would not accept any arguments from Vic. Vic knew that,
and in a way, it made him feel good. He knew how fucked up he was, but he
couldn't see anything wrong with staying here with Mac. Mac, the man you tried
to kill, his mind screamed at him. Maybe it would be better to leave. He had
never seen himself as a danger to his friends, but it seemed as if he had been
wrong. He couldn't look at Mac anymore. His eyes were filled with so much
tenderness. He didn't deserve this. Not at all. He was the one that couldn't even
go to court against his abusive ex-lover. Mac was sitting on the bed now, his
legs crossed and was looking at Vic patiently. He was waiting for the other man
to make his decision. He was glad that Vic didn't try to bolt, though he feared
that stage was just still to come.
"He promised me it would be different this time. It had been so long. When I
first met him, he used to make love to me. So gentle, so compassionate that I
thought I would die with him in my arms. He would hold me. Just like you held me
when we spent the first night together, and I used to feel so loved and safe. I
didn't feel that with anyone else, 'til you. Will you hold me like that again?"
Mac lay down in an instant beside him, allowing him to snuggle close, wrapping
his arm securely around him. "I love that. It's so great when you start out, and
you think that it will be like this forever. That's what I thought. I lay in his
arms, thinking of the future, and there was nothing that could bring me down from
my cloud. Nothing, but him. I learned from it. I learned to enjoy it more
whenever he showed me the affection I had once taken for granted. A hug, a kiss,
or just an arm around me when we walked. They got less and less frequent. I had
to earn them, and I did. By doing what he wanted me to do, I made him love me.
Will it work with you, too? I think it will. I'd rather have you as a friend, if
you are a friend like you were during the last days. If you can hug me, like a
friend. Like someone you care for. If you want to fuck me though, I can do that
too. That's what I am, a slut. I will do whatever you want me to. He promised me
he would hold me, like he did when we started out. It felt so good, to have him
back. It's not that I love him. I stopped doing that a long time ago, but I feel
as if he is the only one who can give back what he took away from me. He likes to
get rough with me. It's what I am best at. That's why we were so perfect for each
other. The moment he took me, I didn't even feel the pain. But then he left. He
didn't even turn around. He called me his cunt, his bitch and left. There I was.
I can fight. You know that. I could have just left, but I didn't, and I felt so
humiliated. I thought I was over him, but he snaps his fingers at me, and I
follow. Maybe it's what I deserve. I couldn't stop thinking that I had brought it
on myself. I wanted to talk to you, but I didn't want you to know about this. I
wasn't even sure what my intention was, until I knocked at your door. I wanted to
make you love me. I wanted you to be the one on my mind. Well, that was one hell
of a way to go, don't you think?"
"Vic,......uhm....I don't know what I can say. You know that it's not your fault.
You were so young when you met him. He is the guilty one. I would not do that to
you. I am happy if I can be like this with you. It makes me happy to touch you,
and mostly, I am happy, when you are somewhere around me. I feel...."
"Mac, don't do this. You don't have to feel sorry for me. I will deal with it
alone; you don't have to pretend to feel anything for me...."
"Vic, I'm not pretending anything. I knew from the moment I met you that I wanted
you. When I learned more about you the feeling grew so much stronger, and the
first moment you kissed me, I was so lost. I love you, Victor Mansfield!"
Vic turned his head away. Why did he do this? He told him he didn't have to
pretend.
"Don't," his voice sounded harsh. Cold. More than the words, it was the tone that
shocked Mac. Mac looked up, right into the eyes of Leo, who stood in the doorway.
He wondered how long she had been standing there.
Sometimes
Sometimes our best efforts do not go
amiss; sometimes we do as we meant to.
The sun will sometimes melt a field of sorrow
that seemed hard frozen: may it happen for you.
(Sheenagh Pugh)
ep?"
