by Amy B
But he did. Although Victor clutched frantically at the body slipping away
into darkness, Mac left him alone. All alone.
"No! Mac!" The hoarse shout pulled Victor from sleep. He lay there
panting and sweating for nearly a minute before realizing the voice was his
own. The dream fused with memories until he couldn't tell where one stopped
and the other started. Gunshots, blood, screams... he had heard and seen too
much of each over the years, first as a cop then as a secret government
agent. Sniffling and brushing the tears from his cheeks, he lay staring
into the darkness for several minutes before turning over to look at the
clock. It was 2 a.m., just the same as last night and the night before
that.
He needed the rest, but he was afraid to sleep, because he knew the dream
would return. He had spent the last week playing hide and seek with sleep,
and the Director was starting to notice and comment. He didn't want to
imagine what she would do if she decided he needed "help." He certainly
wasn't up to her tender mercies right now.
Victor Mansfield—former cop, secret agent, and all-around tough guy—
turned his head into his pillow and cried like a baby. The deep gulping
sobs tore at his throat, and the tears made his face burn as bitter as the
pain, guilt, and frustration that weighed on his heart. After just a
moment, he quieted and reached for a tissue from the nightstand. He blew
his nose and wiped his face, while muttering every curse word he had ever
heard, plus a few he invented just for this occasion. He hated to cry and
had only done so a handful of times since early childhood. It didn't make
him feel any better. In fact, it usually made him feel worse.
He got out of bed and went to the bathroom, leaving the light off. He knew
he looked like hell and didn't need the confirmation of looking at himself
in the mirror.
When he was finished, he went to the living room. He slumped onto the couch
and wondered what to do now that sleep was out of the question. He picked
up the remote and turned on the radio. Dinah Washington was crooning, "If
you don't have someone to love you, then you really don't have any thing.
So I'll take your arms for my palace, and the sky for my room with a
view..."
He clicked it off and sighed. Lack of a lover was just another of his
failures. Li Ann had dumped him, and Mac had never shown interest or even
liked him, really. He had never held Mac in his arms except during fights
and on the job—and in his dreams, of course. In dreams, Victor had both
cradled his lifeless corpse and worshipped his warm, willing body. They had
made love in more ways than Vic could count. More positions, more
locations, more everything. And Mac had held him in strong wiry arms, and
generously loved him with long graceful hands.
Victor had been dreaming of Mac, off and on, since the first day they had
met and fought in Li Ann's apartment. The tenor of the dreams had changed
slowly after Li Ann had broken off their engagement. It had been in dreams
that he had realized that the marriage would never have worked. He was
still very fond of Li Ann, but he had never loved her the way she deserved
to be loved by the man she would marry. He hadn't loved her with the
soul-deep longing that he felt for Mac.
Having such deep feelings for a man didn't come as such a surprise for Vic,
since he had been attracted to men before. Having deep feelings for Mac
Ramsey, on the other hand, had been quite a shock. They were so different
that it seemed they had nothing in common. Looking at superficial things
like music, clothes, and cars, they still didn't. But the important things
like loyalty, honor, and friendship were traits they shared. Mac may have
seemed self-centered and immature at times, but he would go to the wall for
his partners.
The thing that had first caught Victor's attention was the thing that still
kept him on his toes and slightly uncomfortable—Mac's magnetic sexuality.
The man could walk into a room and have women (and men on occasion) falling
at his feet with just a glance. Those deep brown eyes would focus with
laser-like intensity, making the recipient of the look feel like the center
of the universe.
One quirk of full, soft lips, so sexy they ought to be illegal, made Vic
want to drag him into the nearest closet and see just how talented that
mouth was. And a full grin could get Vic so hard so fast that he had taken
to wearing his shirts untucked to avoid embarrassment. Victor could spend
hours staring at Mac's mouth and imagining his kisses. Would he be
aggressive, taking swift control? Or would he be tender, following his
lover's lead? Vic couldn't imagine Mac being truly submissive, but he sure
would have liked to find out.
Victor shifted on the sofa as his body reacted to his randy thoughts. He
briefly considered jerking off, then trying to get some sleep. But he was
still upset from the dream and his own blood-soaked memories. All the
fantasizing in the world couldn't loosen the grip of depression that
threatened to squeeze the life out of him. He felt clammy with sleep sweat
and concluded that a shower, just cool enough to take the edge off his
arousal, was what he needed.
Standing under the cascading water failed to soothe him, so Victor decided
he had to get out of the apartment. Maybe going for a drive would settle
him. He assured himself that this was a perfectly normal thing to do in the
middle of the night. He would just go for a nice rambling drive with no set
destination, especially not the one place that seemed to be calling to him.
Ten minutes later, he was slipping on his leather jacket and tucking a gun
into the back of his waistband. He usually preferred the shoulder holster
he used while working but didn't want to fool with it tonight. He was on
his own time, but leaving home completely without protection would be
stupid. Going unarmed went against his nature.
The neighborhood was quiet as he started up his truck and pulled out into
the street. There was little traffic; most folks seemed to be at home in
bed, where he should be. Where he would be, if not for the troubling
feelings rattling around inside him. The emptiness that he sometimes feared
was starting to look pretty good compared to the pain of the nightmares.
If asked later, he would have sworn he had no intention of going where he
did. He had driven on autopilot, and instinct had brought him here, to an
upscale apartment building in a very nice neighborhood.
He walked up to the door in the same unthinking, impulsive manner. He stood
there for a moment before knocking, wondering what he thought he'd
accomplish by coming here. Raising a hand to knock, he figured he was about
to find out.
He knocked, waited a few minutes, and knocked again, his heart in his
throat. He stood, outwardly calm, as the door cracked open just far enough
for a sleepy eye to peer out at him.
"Do you know what time it is, Vic? What are you doing here?" asked Mac with
a loud yawn.
"I'm sorry I woke you. I needed to see you," Victor said quietly and a bit
uncertainly, ducking his head in embarrassment.
Mac seemed about to make a customary wisecrack, but he stopped, blinked, and
opened the door further. He lowered the weapon he had been holding just out
of sight and stepped back for Victor to enter.
The sight of the stark white bandage wrapped around that bony left shoulder
made Victor's chest ache. Rationally and intellectually, he knew it was a
minor injury as far as gunshot wounds went. But, emotionally, he couldn't
help thinking how close the bullet had come to hitting the heart, neck, or a
lung. Mac's life could have been over in a flash, just like in the
nightmares that had haunted Vic's sleep for the last seven days.
Victor followed as his partner turned and headed for the sofa. They each
took a seat at opposite ends, and he could feel Mac's eyes on him. Now that
he was here, he had no idea what to say. He wasn't even sure what he wanted
to say. What could he say without ending their pseudo-friendship and
seriously damaging their working relationship?
"How're you doing? How's the shoulder?" he asked when the silence became
oppressive.
"Thanks to the painkillers, I was fine until you woke me up out of a sound
sleep." Despite the contentious words, Mac spoke without the animosity he
usually displayed in front of an audience. "What's going on here, Vic?
It's the middle of the night."
"I couldn't sleep. I... I've been having nightmares about the shooting." He
shrugged uncomfortably and stared down at his hands as he continued slowly,
"I just, you know, wanted to make sure you were okay. And tell you how
sorry I am that I let this happen to you."
"Wait a minute, Vic. You didn't let anything happen." Mac looked like he
would have continued, but Victor cut him off.
"This was all my fault, Mac. I should have known the cartel would have
snipers at the warehouse. I should have checked the perimeter more closely
and not relied so much on old intelligence. I should have been quicker
around that corner. I could have-"
Now it was Mac's turn to interrupt. "Whoa, take a deep breath and calm
down, okay, Mr. Responsibility? We were all working from the same
information. And we could have been more careful, yes, but that wasn't your
fault. Although if Dobrinsky is going to punish anyone, I'll gladly say you
deserve it," he added with a smirk.
"But it is, Mac. I let myself be distracted, and I didn't protect you when
I should have." Victor's voice shook minutely with the anguish he was trying
so hard to control. He knew that this night would change their relationship
forever, but he didn't hold much hope that the change would be what he
wished.
"I don't need you to protect me," replied Mac slowly as if he had noticed
Victor's somewhat fragile state. He looked confused at the ex-cop's
uncharacteristic acceptance of blame for a mission that didn't go well. He
also seemed interested and definitely not sleepy anymore. "What do you
mean, you were distracted?"
Panic froze Victor in his seat for a moment. "Oh, nothing, um...important.
I mean, I wasn't really distracted exactly..." His voice trailed off as he
tried to think of something plausible.
"Come on, Vic. You said distracted, so you meant distracted. I hope you
weren't planning ways to win back Li Ann, because that is such a lost
cause." Mac continued with a well-practiced barb, "She doesn't want you. I
told you she'd never marry you. You have to accept the loss and move on.
Find yourself a bird with a broken wing or something."
"It's not about Li Ann," insisted Victor.
"Sure it is. You're always mooning over her like a sap who doesn't know
when to quit. I expect you to start following her around like that pathetic
guy with Lola the courier."
"I do not 'moon' over Li Ann. You are such a—" Victor bit back the
automatic insult, then jumped to his feet and started pacing. He had
circled the room twice before he stopped in front of Mac and said swiftly,
"I was distracted by you during the whole mission. It's been happening a
lot lately. I think about you all the time."
Mac's eyes widened, and his mouth dropped open. He just stared at Victor
for a moment, then began to stammer, "You mean... but I thought... Vic!
What, what are you saying here? You're attracted to me?"
Victor ducked his head but held eye contact and said, "Yes. More than
that."
"More? You're lying!" squeaked Mac. He cleared his throat and said calmly,
"How much more?"
"I think... No, I know that I am in love with you," Victor stated with
quiet dignity and walked toward the door. He turned back and said, "If you
don't want to work with me anymore, I'll understand. Maybe the Director can
make other arrangements for the team. She can pair me with Jackie, and you
can get back together with Li Ann."
Mac stood as quickly as his injury allowed and moved over next to Victor.
He put one hand on Victor's arm and said, "Now wait a minute. You act like
you already know how I feel when I haven't said a word. I don't want to
split up the team, and I don't want Li Ann back, not like you mean anyway.
Good grief, posing as the Kinsbruners made it obvious to everyone that we
are not meant to be together. Remember that case?"
"I remember. That's when Li Ann broke up with me. It was, ultimately, for
the best. She and I never would have made it." He shook his head, sniffed
and looked away. He glanced back at Mac and said, "I know it comes as a
shock to hear me say it, but I'm glad you're willing to still work with me.
I'll work on this...these feelings and try not to let it interfere with the
job again. I would never want to do anything to endanger you or hurt you in
any way." He quickly stepped away and turned again for the door, intent on
getting away.
"Vic, don't go yet. I'm just surprised is all, okay? I mean, you act like
you can't stand to be in the same room with me most of the time. This is
all coming out of the blue. I need some time to process, and we need to
talk about it." He flashed that crooked grin that made Vic's stomach
flutter, and said, "Don't you think so? Please, stay."
Victor nodded slowly and smiled as Mac took his arm and led him back to the
sofa. Mac pulled Vic down to sit next to him, their thighs and shoulders
almost touching. He propped his bare feet up on the coffee table, crossed
his hands over his belly, and said, "So, when did it happen for you?"
Victor was staring at those elegant hands lying on naked skin so close to
the pajama bottoms of dark blue silky-looking cotton, which draped Mac's
genitals so enticingly, that he almost missed the phrasing of the question.
He blinked and looked into Mac's eyes and said, "For me? What do you mean?"
"When did you—" he fluttered his fingers in the air—"feel the spark?"
"Oh, I thought you meant that you..." Vic cleared his throat, then rubbed
his eyes and said, "I'm not sure. Physically, it was... Well, I always
thought you were attractive even when I wanted to smash your face in for
turning up alive and trying to take Li Ann from me."
"Well, you did give it a pretty good try that day in her apartment. But
then, so did I." Mac smirked, reminding Vic of the fight. They had both
thought they were fending off an intruder until Mac had seen the picture of
Vic with Li Ann. Then it had become personal.
"Yeah, well then it was objective, like looking at a model or a movie star
or something—I cannot believe that I'm feeding your overblown ego like
this, but it's true. It was after Li Ann broke off our engagement that my
attraction became more... just more." He shrugged, uncomfortable talking
about this even though he was the one who had brought it up.
"For me, it was when you admitted you were wrong about McCoy."
"For you, what? You mean...?" Victor's heart leapt in his chest as he
considered what Mac meant.
Mac continued as if Vic hadn't spoken, "You apologized, but you were so cool
about it that I didn't have the heart to say, 'I told you so.' It was
almost kind of... um, cute."
"Cute?" Vic felt vaguely insulted but also intrigued, because he had never
heard Mac speak like this before.
"Yeah," laughed Mac. He turned serious then and said, "And then, when my...
my dad showed up, you were so supportive and compassionate that I couldn't
help but love you for it." He leaned close and placed a soft kiss to Vic's
stubbled cheek.
"You mean like a friend or a—a partner, right?" Victor couldn't believe
his luck if Mac really returned his feelings. He thought the other man must
be just playing with him, as usual.
"Not a friend," whispered Mac as he pressed another kiss to Vic's cheek,
this one closer to the lips. "Maybe a partner." He kissed Vic tentatively,
as if asking permission.
Victor gave it by parting his lips and returning the caress with gradually
increasing passion until he had Mac's head pressed into the back of the sofa
and their arms wrapped around each other. He thrust his tongue into wet
warmth and was met with an enthusiastically hungry response. After a minute
or two, he pulled back to catch his breath and stared into Mac's eyes in
surprise.
"You're not just teasing so you can humiliate me later, are you? You want
me? I mean, me?" Victor was afraid that maybe the medication was
affecting Mac's awareness of just what was happening here between them. He
tried and failed to ignore his own arousal as he contemplated the man in his
arms. This was a dream come true—a good dream instead of the nightmare
that had provided the catalyst for this evening.
Mac nodded and said quietly, "Yeah, you. Victor Mansfield. I've wanted you
for awhile, and now you're here, and you say you're in love with me."
Victor blinked as much at the string of words as at the hand stroking up his
thigh. He caught it before it reached its destination and brought it to his
mouth. He pressed a kiss to the knuckles, cradled it against his chest, and
smiled. "Gosh, Mac what am I going to do with you?"
"I don't know, fuck me 'til I pass out?" Victor's eyebrows lowered a bit,
so Mac said quickly, "How about we go to my bed and make love? But we
better do it before the pain pills wear off, because my shoulder's going to
hurt like a son-of-a-bitch after all the strain I plan to put on it."
"Maybe you shouldn't try anything too athletic for awhile," Victor said with
a dimple-revealing smile, as he stood and helped Mac to his feet. He
punctuated his words with kisses as they walked into the bedroom. "Let me
do all the work tonight. Let me take care of you."
"Sounds good," sighed Mac as they stopped beside the bed, where Victor
shucked his jacket and put his gun on the bedside table. Victor kissed his
soon-to-be lover deeply, then gently pushed him to the bed, and finished
undressing.
He was about to remove his boxers when a thought occurred to him. He
stopped, looked at Mac, and asked quietly, "Cameras? Mikes?"
Mac grinned and said, "Already disabled. Now strip."
Victor smiled back and instead stripped Mac's pajamas off in one smooth
move. Then he stood there for a moment and stared at the feast of flesh
lying before him. With his long rangy body and hairy chest, Mac was
beautiful and masculine at the same time. Victor couldn't wait to have
those strong legs wrapped around him and that long cock in his hand or mouth
or wherever it ended up.
He ripped off his boxers and climbed on the bed. He straddled Mac's thighs,
dipping his face into the long throat as his hands stroked random patterns
over everything he could reach. He licked and nibbled his way down to
Mac's chest, where he rooted through the hair to find the excited little
nipples. He bit and tugged with his teeth until Mac was bucking under him,
bringing their cocks into excruciating contact.
Rocking their hips together, Victor kissed Mac again. Thrilled to finally
answer all his questions about the mouth that had haunted him. Plush lips
parting easily, Mac let him delve in and explore, teeth and tongue working
to full advantage. When Mac took brief control, he was a skillfully
attentive kisser. Victor drowned in the generosity of his lover's mouth for
breathless moments before moving on.
He licked the length of Mac's throat, swirling his tongue over the bobbing
Adam's apple. He bit down hard at the juncture of neck and shoulder and
sucked purposefully, drawing a loud groan and gasp of "More!" He moved a
few inches and did it again, sucking hard then licking lightly. He was
happy that no matter what happened tomorrow, Mac would not be able to deny
this moment. Vic tenderly laved the red marks once more and continued his
journey of discovery.
Victor reveled in Mac's responses as he made his way down the flat stomach,
dipping in to tease the belly button then moving on to his final
destination. Mac's cock rose up long and lean just like the rest of him,
and Victor eagerly stroked it with his hand and dropped his mouth to it. He
licked at the head, circling, gauging Mac's sensitivities before taking more
of the length. He took as much as he could without gagging, then began to
suck, gently at first, then harder as Mac responded with unabashed
enthusiasm, moaning and begging wordlessly.
When he felt Mac get close to the edge, Vic pulled him back by removing his
mouth and holding Mac's cock firmly in his hand for a moment. Stroking his
closed lips back and forth over the delicate skin of Mac's balls, Victor
kept his hands busy stroking his lover's cock, his belly, a hip, a nipple...
He licked his way up the inside of Mac's thigh and nuzzled the spot on the
perineum that always gave Vic himself a thrill. If Mac's shout was any
indication, it gave him quite a kick, too. His mouth replaced his hand on
Mac's cock just as the younger man came explosively. Victor swallowed and
sucked up every drop, getting accustomed to the unique taste of his new
lover.
He gently released the softening member and kissed his way up to Mac's
mouth. Pouring out his feelings, he kissed Mac deeply. For a long moment,
their tongues tangled and plunged, sharing the flavors of passion. With one
last nibble on those luscious lips, Vic drew back and licked his partner's
face from chin to cheekbone, then back down to his lips. He drove one hand
into Mac's soft short hair as he thrust his aching, dripping cock into the
hollow of Mac's pelvis. He rubbed his rough cheek against his lover's as he
pumped his hips, bringing himself to a bone melting release.
Victor collapsed against Mac's uninjured side and moaned a little. He was
suddenly exhausted, but he also felt like all the missing pieces of himself
were back in place for the first time in a long while. He knew the words
'you complete me' would make Mac laugh his ass off, so he kept that thought
to himself.
He raised his head, taking in the blissful expression on Mac's face, and he
had to kiss him again. Mac's eyes opened languidly, and Victor was caught
by the unexpected softness in the gaze that was usually either guarded or
sardonic. With a growing sense of wonder, he whispered, "I can't get enough
of you."
Mac smiled gently and said, "I love you, too."
As Victor blinked in response, Mac murmured, "Sleep, Vic. We'll both be
here in the morning."
The rightness of the simple statement soothed Vic more than anything else
ever could, and he knew the nightmares were gone. It was finally safe to
sleep again. In Mac's arms.
n frozen horror, Victor watched the bullets rip into his partner, cutting
him down in mid-step. Time came to a standstill, and blood sprayed in a
slow-motion geyser, covering everything in reach. He leapt to Mac's side
and tried to stop the bleeding, but the blood flowed so freely that he
couldn't tell where the wounds were. He forgot all his training and
awareness of their surroundings as his vision was filled with the crimson
flow of his friend's life force leaving his body. Pulling Mac into his
arms, Vic cradled him desperately against his chest. The blood soaked
through his clothes, bathing him in rapidly cooling warmth. He rocked his
partner's lifeless body and begged, brokenly, "Please, Mac, don't leave me.
Li Ann's on her way. We'll get you to a hospital. I'm so sorry. Hang on,
buddy. I got you, Mac. Just don't leave me."
