RATales Archive

The Punishment

by Fan4Richie

Title: The Punishment
Author: Fan4Richie
Disclaimer: I refuse to accept any money not to write this story.
All characters belong to CC if he wants them back after this.
Rating PG for adult parody and juvenile humor.

Mulder moved away nervously as he realized that Alex Krycek again invaded his apartment. He had not yet recovered from Krycek's last visit and that enigmatic kiss on his cheek. What had Alex been trying to tell him? But then again if Mulder had not been crouched naked on the floor, searching for the remote control, his cheek would not have been so easy to kiss. Mulder hurriedly sat on the offended body part. CC discouraged resolved tension on his shows.

Krycek looked disappointed and brushed off some long reddish hairs off his black sweater. Mulder squinted his eyes in suspicion. Scully had been unaccountably chipper this morning. Scully had been skipping! She had been flicking away short chestnut hairs off of her suit jacket and mumbled something about her pet rat as an excuse.

Krycek said, "It's that time again."

Mulder hastily rambled through his mind. The garbage was out. He had paid his light bill. He had paid Krycek for dealing with the tenants committee, which sought his eviction. What had he forgotten?

Alex used the time to gaze at Mulder with one of those intense stares which led slash writers to sigh and fire up the keyboards and Krycek haters to start on some cruel new story about the horrible plans that Alex had in mind for Mulder. Pausing just long enough to allow everyone to dash off to the beautiful eyes contest and enter a few votes, Alex finally showed Mulder where in the script they were going.

Mulder said, "Hmm, so I blindly follow you into danger? What's my motivation? Is Scully in danger?"

Krycek said, "Of course not, she's booked for the next week for stories with Jeff Spender, Skinner, and Pendrell."

Mulder shuddered, as he was a bit concerned that two of the characters were reputed to be dead. Of course, Scully was a pathologist....

Krycek said, "It's Skinner. There's a creature after him. We have to save him."

Mulder felt a sting of jealousy. Recently even one of his favorite Skinner/Mulder writers had allowed RATBOY to enjoy Skinner and Scully's favors while he had been left to suffer without a clue on his stained leather couch. Several writers were pairing the big bald one with Alex to the exclusion of Mulder. Not that Mulder wanted to resolve anything with Krycek or Skinner, but still it was nice to know he was the object of desire.

Krycek looked disgusted and said, "Come on. It's a good thing I had a plot device booked to get us there on time or we would miss the denouncement."



"Argh" Mulder yelled as his combination PLAM, comb, and Swiss army knife was wrenched from his hand.

Krycek wielded a sprits bottle of hair spray. Yes, the pressure-can type would have made more sense, but even heartless assassins needed to be ecologically minded these days. He drove the seething mass of tendrils back from Mulder, who promptly sustained an unexplained head injury and lost his cell phone.

Krycek yelled, "It's all gone to hell!"

Mulder posed, showing his best puppy dog suffering look. He said, "We can't let it have Skinner! He's needed as a plot device! Besides, the SOS Brigade can be very mean if the gruff, but cuddly one is menaced."

Krycek reached out and placed his real hand on Mulder's cheek. Whoops, already did that joke...!

Anyway, Krycek soulfully gazed into Mulder's eyes and said, "We have to pay it off"

Writhing masses of the life form lashed out at them. The scent of strawberry shampoo and brimstone was nauseating. The creature had gained in strength; fragments of a hair re-growth factory fell from its clutches. The creature had escaped from the devil's bald head.

Mulder said, "We can't give into its demands?"

"What do you mean we, good guy?" Alex said. "I am allowed to give into any demands and I do, frequently."

Mulder sighed and surrendered. Sometimes there was no other choice. He joined Krycek in throwing buckets of money at the monster.

Slowly, the creature subsided.

Yes, some days you win.

Other days, there is only HELL TOUPEE.