Getting Laid

Hell froze over today, and to mark the occasion, pigs all over the country sprouted wings and were causing air traffic mayhem. I, Dana Katherine Scully got laid today - and boy did I get laid. Shit, the sex was so unbelievably mind blowing even the neighbours had a cigarette. Why should any of this be out of the ordinary you ask? OK, lets bypass the fact that I haven't had sex in... oh I don't know, six years... and hop on to the biggie - who I had sex with.

Let's run through a list of candidates shall we? Well, the most obvious would be Mulder, but I wouldn't be making such a fuss about it if it were Mulder now would I? Skinner? Come on, do you think I'm actually going to fall for that "solar panel for sexual stamina and expertise" crap - not that I have anything against bald guys, hell Ahab was bald. It just he doesn't do anything for me, regardless of how wonderful his body is. Frohike? Where the hell did that come from? Puh-leeze! Don't even go there. Ewwww...

Oh no, I had to fuck Mulder's favourite one-armed enemy. The guy who killed his dad, who was an accomplice to my sister's murder, who aided in my abduction, who... do I even need to go on? Yeah, I screwed Mulder over for Alex Krycek. That's right, Mulder, my partner, my best friend, the guy who travelled to Antarctica to save me - that Mulder. Yep, I fucked him over for Krycek - but the things he can do with that prosthetic arm... uh, I mean... oh forget it.

Hey, don't look at me like that. If you found Krycek lying spread on your bed waiting for you with nothing on but a giant grin, are you going to pull out your gun and arrest him? Sure you would. Uh-huh. That's not to say that I didn't try to resist, I mean he is a bad guy, the hated enemy. But for some God forsaken reason, somebody put a "stop payment" on my reality check.

"What the hell do you think you're doing, lying naked on my bed?"

"No take me I'm yours, Scully?"

"Get the fuck of my bed Krycek, I'm going to call Mulder"

"Come on Scully, what Mulder doesn't know won't hurt him. He could continue to live in ignorance... he must be used to it by now. Hell, I don't know why he even bothers with his porn collection - if ignorance is bliss, he must be orgasmic!"

"Shut the fuck up Krycek!" I said, trying hard to keep my mouth from twitching.

"Jesus, Scully. You should take it as a complement that I'm even here... I can have any woman I want... I just have to walk down the street..." he boasted jokingly.

"Yeah, well I hope you used contraception. You don't want to make the same mistake your parents did. But then again, the gene pool could use a little chlorine."

"Ha ha! Scully"

I know you probably want a detailed account of what happened next but it's not really any of your business now is it. I'll give you this much though, when he pulled me towards him and kissed me passionately, my analytical mind stopped functioning. I just felt. Him up that is. This intensely powerful attraction I have for Krycek must have been caused by a bizarre freak in nature otherwise I would have been able to stop. But I didn't. I don't think I even wanted to. Hell, it's been five hours since I found him on my bed and I still don't feel an inkling of guilt or shame. So, I continue to lie on the bed and watch him, waiting for him to wake so we can do it again.

I used to have a handle on life. Then it broke. And somewhere in his little shadowy shit-hole, that damn human cancer stick probably thinks he has the last laugh, and I guess he does. But I always figured that he who laughs last thinks the slowest, so somehow things would work out in the end anyway.

Bet you're glad that was over huh?