RATales Archive

Autobiography In Prose

by Amber M. Howard

This cheap suit I wear
And the innocent look on my face
Is my only disguise
In this newly sinister place.

He tells me to come here
To watch this tortured man
To earn his trust
To learn of his plan.

And when he tells me it's over
His voice so deceptively kind
I just walk away
Leaving my dreams all behind.

And now the man I betrayed
I hear behind the door
Calling for his father
Whose blood runs across the floor.

As I climb out the window
Feeling pangs of remorse,
The wind keeps on blowing
And the world keeps on turning, of course.

He looks in my eyes.
He knows what I've done.
His gaze is hate-filled
As he raises the gun.

Then no one more than me is surprised
When a red-headed angel of fate
Saves me from his judgement
Before it's too late.

And later, at the hand of my partner
Another person does fall
"This is what you do with redemption."
The angels all bawl.

I think of this again as I run from the fire
And my former employer I call
"I'm alive." I sing, a rebellious little song,
And my main critic doesn't like it at all.

He finds me in Hong Kong
His rage like a bomb being blown
But I promise his truth
And he leaves me alone.

The next thing I know
My fists bang against the door as I cry.
He hates me so.
He won't listen to me die.

And when I finally was free
To the terrorists I came
The name was different
But the hate was the same.

I knew he would find me.
We needed to talk
To find that damned diplomat
And his pouch full of...rock?

And our journey went on
Always in danger of harm.
He got the vaccine
And I lost my arm.

The smell carries across the land
Of the bodies, all burned,
Surrounded by men
And the woman I once spurned.

I challenge her and she's gone,
In my face there's no joy
As I search the burning wreckage
And find a terrified boy.

I'm finished with the boy
He's told me what I want to know
I take care of all the witnesses
And know again it's time to go.

I call New York and make an offer
As usual they hesitate
But I have the trump card up my sleeve
And all I have to do is sit and wait.

I look down at the boy
Who's mercifully asleep
And the remorse again
Into my mind does creep.

They sent the blond girl
In red lust we kissed
When she offered me her body
I didn't resist.

Something in my drowsing mind told me
She was gone from my side
She'd betrayed me
And taken the boy for a ride.

I gave him the vial
What else could I do?
And he said to me
"I have a job for you."

And now here I am
In the home of an old friend
Here to put
His illusions to an end.

He sits on the floor
His anger all shattered
And I thought to him
I hardly mattered!

The blood pooling in the snow
Footprints leading away
I'm going to have to chase him
This just makes my day.

Nothing would make me happier
Than a bullet in his brain
Instead I tell him
They need him again.

And now while he's gone
In this car I sit
I think of his wrinkled old face
And read the words that fit.