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Peja's Wonderful World of Makebelieve Import
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Published:
2020-11-04
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Lost

Summary:

Lucy considers the past.

Work Text:

Title: - Lost.

Author: - Katt.

E-mail: - kattanon@hotmail.com

Rating: - PG

Feedback: - Like it or loathe it let me know.

Archive: - Archived at the Shield Fanfiction Archive.

Disclaimers: - I don't own any of the characters of The Shield, they all belong to Shawn Ryan and FX. The song "Stay The Same" is performed by Gabrielle. It was written by Gabrielle, Richard "Biff" Stannard, Julian Gallagher, Ferdy Unger-Hamilton and Dave Morgan.

 

Lost.

Lucy reached out and quickly turned the radio down to a lower volume. She'd only just managed to get Ben settled down for his afternoon nap, and she didn't want him waking up just yet. She'd been putting this off as it was, and didn't need another excuse to postpone it for another day. She sighed and opened the closet door, and pulled out the cardboard box that was on the floor half hidden by her dresses. Sitting on the floor, her back leaning against the bed, she pulled the box to her and opened it up. All she needed were her academic certificates for a job application, and she was positive they were packed away in this box. The only thing was she hadn't looked inside this box in two years, not since that awful day when it had hastily been packed. However, Ben was over a year old now and she was determined to get back to work, and for that she needed her academic certificates, and for that she needed to open up this box.

To be honest Lucy wasn't even sure what was in there. The day she'd left Holland had been traumatic. She'd known that she was going to leave him of course, she was already three months pregnant with Ben. However, she had planned on breaking the news to him gently, softening the blow. She wasn't going to mention the pregnancy or her relationship with Jack, although whether that was strictly for Holland's benefit or because she'd been a coward was something she didn't like to dwell on too much. As it was things hadn't exactly gone to plan anyway.

She'd only confirmed her pregnancy the day before using a home pregnancy test, and instead of getting rid of the positive test she'd just buried it at the bottom of the bathroom bin. She still wasn't sure how Holland found it, just that he'd appeared in the kitchen holding it that morning with a huge grin on his face. Christ, he'd been so happy. He'd been ecstatic at the prospect that they were going to be parents. Then she'd had no choice she'd had to tell him everything.

At first he hadn't believed her. He couldn't believe that she'd betrayed him, that Jack, one of his closest friends, had betrayed him. He had stood there in the kitchen clasping the pregnancy test his face white; his whole body shaking slightly, as he'd begged her to say it was all a lie.

Obviously she hadn't been able to stay in the house after that. After a bitter argument full of recriminations and tears on both sides she'd rushed upstairs and hastily packed her clothes. All her documents and various bits and pieces had been quickly dumped into this box. Then she'd sat at the bottom of the stairs waiting for her cab to arrive to take her to Jack's place, and tried to blot out the sound of Holland crying in the living room.

Pushing away those painful memories Lucy took a deep breath and began to search through the box's contents. She pulled out various cards and letters from her parents, a couple of old postcards and letters from friends, and her birth certificate. At last she found her academic certificates and placed them on the pile with the rest of the papers she'd sorted through so far. Then, lying face down, she spotted a photo, and curious she picked it up and turned it over.

As she looked at it her heart gave a little skip. It was a photo of her and Holland, their arms around each other, standing next to another couple. They were all smiling at the camera, bundled up in thick jackets, and surrounded by snow. She could remember that photo being taken as if it was yesterday. It was about six months before her and Holland had gotten married, and they'd gone on holiday to the mountains with their best friends Michael and Lisa. She remembered that Holland had tried to teach her to ski. He'd been so patient with her, but she'd been hopeless, and it had been a miracle that she hadn't broken something. After a couple of days she'd given up trying, and had decided that it would be easier, and safer, if she stayed off the piste explored the resort and relaxed in the hotel. Holland had stayed with her despite the fact that she knew how much he enjoyed skiing, and that he seldom got the chance to do it since he'd moved to California. She'd told him she didn't mind if he went without her, but he'd just smiled and told her he'd rather spend his time with her. It had been a wonderful week. All day spent alone with Holland and then, in the evenings, Michael and Lisa would return from the slopes and they'd all go out and have fun. The four of them had been so close. Holland had been to the police academy with Michael and they'd been friends ever since. When she'd begun dating Holland she'd met Michael and his wife Lisa, and they'd immediately gotten on. Lisa had quickly become one of Lucy's closest friends. Sadly they hadn't spoken in two years. Not since an angry visit from Lisa a couple of days after she'd left Holland. Lisa had repeatedly asked her how she could have been so deceptive, so cruel. She'd told Lucy how she'd nearly destroyed Holland, that he was totally devastated. Lucy had just looked at her and said nothing, after all what could she say, until Lisa had called her a "cold bitch", and had turned on her heel and left. Lisa hadn't been the only friend Lucy had lost. People had seen her split from Holland in black and white, right and wrong, and to most of them she'd been totally in the wrong.

"You should know by now that love is not the same
I have watched you try to cover your mistakes
I don't care about what other people say
But it's down to me, I know my mind, and I will find my way

And I don't regret the time we spent, my time with you
It was not in vain

And I wonder why
Where it all went wrong, and how you lost your hope
You're the reason that I've gone

And I wonder how
How you came to change, and why you lost your way
While I still stayed the same

Stayed the same"

Once more looking down at the photo in her hand she studied hers and Holland's faces, and remembered the very different people they had been when it was taken.

They had both been in their mid-twenties. She had just started as a junior at one of the best advertising agencies in LA, and Holland had still been in uniform, although he had already been studying for his sergeant's exam with an eye on becoming a detective.

She had still been a "social drinker" then. It had been about a year later that her drinking had begun to get out of hand. Liquid lunches, going out with some people from the office after work, a couple of vodka's at home to unwind. More, and more, until it had begun to colour every aspect of her life, especially her marriage.

At first Holland hadn't seemed to notice, but gradually he began shooting little disapproving looks in her direction every time she re-filled her glass. Soon the disapproving looks turned into concern. The little downturn to his mouth, the little frown line that would appear between his eyes when he looked at her. Lucy had come to hate that expression; especially when concern had subtly mutated into disappointment.

Yet he hadn't said anything to her. It had hung between them silent and foreboding, but unacknowledged. That had been typical of Holland though, never wanting to rock the boat. He'd so desperately wanted their home life to be perfect, that he'd buried his head in the sand, and tried to hide from their problems. He would avoid the possibility of a confrontation by working longer hours. It seemed that the time when he'd rather spend his time with her than do anything else had passed.

Lucy knew that his attitude stemmed from his own completely dysfunctional family. She had wondered why it was, when they'd first started dating, that he never spoke about his family. She'd known that he was from Nebraska, and had moved to LA when he was twenty, but that was it. At first she'd let it slide, too busy enjoying their new relationship, and the first bloom of love, to look too closely. It wasn't until he'd met her family a couple of times that she'd finally realised that he wasn't going to volunteer the information. If she wanted to know she'd have to ask, and she did.

Holland had obviously been uncomfortable talking about the subject, but gradually she'd managed to piece together most of the broad strokes. Holland had been an only child, a mistake he'd called himself much to her chagrin, and his father was very domineering, controlling, while his mother had had any spirit in her crushed by him. Holland's upbringing had been very strict, and physical punishment had been the norm. Eventually after a major argument, the details of which she'd never learnt, and because he feared ending up soulless like his mother, Holland had left home, and had never gone back. He'd ended up in LA, and had joined the police academy. He'd had no further contact with his parents, and didn't seem to want any. It was only after they'd moved in together that Lucy had begun to suspect that Holland's childhood had been more traumatic, and damaging, then she'd realised.

The first time Holland had woken up in the early hours of the morning screaming, and begging someone to "stop...please stop..." Lucy had been shocked. Holland's face had been wet with tears, and without saying a word he'd gotten up, stumbled to the bathroom, and had been sick. Then while she'd sat up in bed waiting for him to return, and explain what had happened, he'd had a long shower. When he'd finally come back to bed he'd been unable to look her in the eye, and had also lain as far from her as he could, shrugging off her comforting hand. Then he'd told her that he couldn't remember what the dream was about. It had been the first lie he'd ever told her.

She had lost count of the number of times during their life together that she'd lain awake listening to him sobbing, and begging, in his sleep. Then after he'd woken himself up or, unable to stand it any longer she'd woken him up, he'd rush to the bathroom to be ill, and then to get clean.

A couple of times she'd tried to get him to talk to her about his dreams, and what events in his past they conjured up, but it had been no good he'd refused, so in the end she'd given up. However, this secret, a part of himself that he refused to trust her enough to share, had always sat between them.

Holland's job had begun to take a toll on him as well. When she'd first met him he'd been a cop for a year, and he'd loved his job. She had often wondered at his never flagging enthusiasm. He had been genuinely driven to try to help people. He really wanted to make a difference to people's lives. However, as the years past his attitude had subtly begun to change. She supposed he sometimes saw such terrible things that he began to loose his faith in mankind. A faith, that when she'd thought about what had probably gone on in his past, it had always amazed her that he still had. However, cynicism had gradually become apparent in his personality. It was as if he began to view other people as either victims or criminals. There was a wall that he'd begun to build up around his heart too. Things that would shock her, and would once have shocked him, no longer seemed to elicit the same reaction from him. It was as if he was becoming de-sensitized, news of a horrific crime would be met with a shrug and a change of subject.

Then had come the defining moment when she'd finally realised that Holland was right when he'd begun to gently suggest several months previously that she had a problem with alcohol. He had been at work and she'd gone to the supermarket. However, she'd been drunk and had become abusive, and when the security guard at the store had asked her to leave she'd refused. The police had been called and she'd been taken to the station house. Someone had recognised her name and had called Holland at Sunset; he'd had to come to collect her. She had felt so bad, because he had been so humiliated, that she'd finally agreed to go to AA. That had been when her life had begun to turn around, and she had begun to get close to Jack.

"I couldn't spend my life always trying to please you
The time had come for change
That's when I realised that I really didn't need you
And I knew right then I wouldn't take the blame

And I don't regret the time we spent, my time with you
It was not in vain

And I wonder why
Where it all went wrong, and how you lost your hope
You're the reason that I've gone

And I wonder how
How you came to change, and why you lost your way
While I still stayed the same

Stayed the same."

As the days that Lucy didn't drink stretched into weeks, and then months she began to re-discover herself. The old Lucy was still there, just submerged under her drinking problem and her increasing dissatisfaction with her marriage.

Not that she could say that Holland hadn't tried. It had been his encouragement that had helped her find the courage to attend her first meeting. He had arranged for his friend Jack to be her sponsor. When she needed support he tried to be there for her, but he was so busy, his work important, that sometimes she'd had to turn to Jack instead. Then increasingly she had sought out Jack instead of Holland. Until one day they had been unable to deny their mutual attraction for each other any longer and had become lovers.

Poor Holland had been completely oblivious to the whole thing. Her feelings of guilt had caused her to over-compensate at home. Trying to assuage her conscience by being attentive to him, and trying to be loving. Holland had been so happy then, firmly believing that their troubles were all behind them. He had thought their marriage had a firm foundation, he couldn't see it was built on sand, built on secrets and lies.

As time past Lucy had realised more and more that she'd been living a lie for a long time. The drink had merely masked it. Without the haze of alcohol Lucy had found the person she used to be, but when she turned to Holland she found the man she'd fallen in love with no longer existed. Holland had disappeared, and been replaced by a stranger with his face.

Still she'd wavered, wanting Jack, but not wanting to hurt Holland. She had been coming to realize that the person Holland had become wasn't someone she wanted to share her life with when the decision had been made for her.

When she'd missed her first period she'd put it down to her body reacting to the stress her double life was causing her. After the second month she'd done some maths and realised that if she were pregnant it would definitely be Jack's. After the third missed period she'd taken the home pregnancy test, and instead of getting rid of it had hidden it in the bin. She'd often wondered afterwards if her subconscious had made her do that on purpose, hoping that, as had happened, Holland would find it, and the whole thing would have to come out into the open.

Looking down at Holland's happy smiling face in the picture in her hand Lucy couldn't help but feel sorry for him. Sorry for all the hurt and misery that she had ended up causing him. However, she also knew she'd had to be true to herself, and she couldn't have continued living a sham. It also wasn't fair on Holland; he deserved to be with someone who loved him for who he was, not mourned for the person he used to be. That didn't stop her feeling sad though as she remembered her lost love.

Just then Lucy heard Ben stirring in the next room as he woke up from his afternoon nap. She sighed as she dropped the photo back into the box, and putting her academic certificates onto the bedside cabinet, she quickly put the other papers into the box, and pushed it into the closet. Just then Ben began to grizzle, and Lucy called out,

"Mommy's coming sweetie."

Then she hurried out of the room forgetting to switch off the softly playing radio.

"And I don't regret the time we spent, my time with you
It was not in vain

And I wonder why
Where it all went wrong, and how you lost your hope
You're the reason that I've gone

And I wonder how
How you came to change, and why you lost your way
While I still stayed the same

And I wonder why
Where it all went wrong, and how you lost your hope
You're the reason that I've gone

And I wonder how
How you came to change, and why you lost your way
While I still stayed the same

Stayed the same."