Work Text:
He Started It!
by Ragna
(writinggoddess@aol.com)
I can't remember what was being said or who was doing what, but I *can* remember walking into Giles' bathroom and seeing two grown men covered in toilet paper, shaving cream, shampoo, conditioner, and God knows what else, screaming at each other.
When Giles and Ethan decided to start dating two years or so ago, we all knew it was going to be a rocky relationship; after all, both men were bisexual, and Giles didn't want to give up Miss Calendar as his girlfriend, but Ethan wanted him all to himself. Miss Calendar was cool, deciding to split the week, She got Monday, Wednesday and Friday, Ethan got Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday, and a coin was flipped every Saturday night to see who go him on Sunday.
Miss Calendar almost always won.
But anyway. They were fighting. I mean, I haven't seen them get this angry since Mr. Trick's boneheaded doctored chocolates scheme. Ethan almost decided to join in and Giles had to hit him on the back of the head to get him to stop. Ethan wouldn't talk to him for a week.
An evil guy and a good girl dating the same guy...bound to have some repercussions.
And I guess this fight was one of them.
"Bloody hell, Ripper! What's the difference one ply is going to make?"
"When's the last time you had a bowel movement, Ethan?"
"What does that have to do with it?"
I was starting to get grossed out so I cleared my throat. "There's a group full of teenagers outside trying to figure out what to do about the ever sneaking commandos."
"Buffy!" Ethan said. I still didn't entirely like him, thanks to the dress fiasco two years ago. "Maybe you can talk Giles into having some common sense."
"I am so not getting involved here..."
"Tell him there is no real difference between one-ply and two-ply toilet paper."
"Um..."
"Buffy, tell Ethan that he's wrong and that there is a difference and it *can* be felt. Except maybe by him."
"But Giles..."
"Are you telling me my arse isn't as delicate as yours? Because before, you were saying---"
"Enough! *please* don't damage me. I accept the fact that Giles is bisexual and that he dates you. So *please* let me keep some..."
"Naiveté?"
"Yeah. Let me keep some naiveté when it comes to my Watcher." I shook my head. "And as for the toilet paper, if there's two different types, there's got to be differences between them."
Giles and Ethan just stared at me.
"Please, just clean this mess up. Please?"
***
An hour later, Xander, Willow and Oz sat at the table studying maps of Sunnydale trying to figure out where these commandos could be hiding. Angel, Cordelia and a friend of theirs was with us because his friend Doyle had had a vision that he was needed here.
We even had Spike, though Spike wasn't really wanted and he knew it. He was the only one who had actually seen the commandos any closer than thirty feet away, and, like it or not, we needed what information he could give us.
But he was the first to notice the argument that had been raging in the bathroom had suddenly stopped.
"They're stopped yelling at each other. Finally," he muttered, shifting in the chair we'd tied him to.
"Who has?" Willow asked, not looking up.
"Giles and his shag buddy." Spike shrugged as best he could.
"Wonder if they're done yet," Willow muttered. "Sure need to go pee."
All of us gathered looked at each other, and then everyone slowly turned to me. "What?" I asked.
"I really need to pee," Willow said, getting that lost puppy look she sometimes gets.
I sighed. "Do I have to? Can't I be just a little naive about some things?"
Willow just kept giving me the look.
"Fine, I'll go check up on them."
I noticed, as I walked towards the bathroom, that it wasn't completely quiet. There were muffled sounds. I really, *really* didn't want to know what those muffled sounds were, but...
I knocked on the bathroom door. "You guys done?"
"In what sense?" Ethan said, and I could hear the sound of a soft slap.
"In the 'cleaning of the bathroom' sense."
"Almost," Giles replied. "We're still arguing about the toilet paper."
"Still?"
"Well, it's the first petty argument we've had since he moved in."
That was news. "When did the formerly evil Brit move in?"
"Err...this morning."
Things were finally starting to make some sense now. "Does Miss Calendar know?"
"Err...well...yes."
"And?"
"She's packing her things today and moving in tomorrow."
I shook my head. "If you think fights are bad with Ethan, just wait until it's a reversal of 'Three's Company'."
"But wasn't that Jack bloke only pretending to be gay? Because I actually am, love," Ethan said.
"Just...never mind. Finish up whatever it is you're doing and...well, just hurry."
"Did you find something important?"
"No. Willow's got to pee."
"Ah." There was the sound of a toilet flushing, and then the door opened. Both men looked disheveled, but the bathroom was immaculate. "I don't want to know."
"Know what?" Ethan asked me with a smirk.
"I just don't want to know."
end