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~ I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all of my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
Because your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone ~
It's been a year already and it's getting harder and harder for me to go on, Darlin'. I've tried, God knows I've tried, but I just can't make it anymore. The only thing that's kept me here this long is that I'm too God damned afraid of ending it all once and for all. It's getting to the point where the pain is overwhelming, though, and I'm too tired of fighting. I just can't forget you, Rem.
~ These wounds just won't seem to heal
The pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase ~
Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but they're wrong. Sometimes something happens that we can never put behind us...things that will alter the course of our entire lives from that point on. You're one of those things, kiddo. ...God, I miss you so much.
~ When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away of all your fears
And I've held your hand through of these years
But you still have all of me ~
Some people would have called you needy or pathetic, but I've never felt that way about you. I always felt like my life was meant to be spent chasing away your demons and giving you the love you needed to make it through each day. ...Holding you when you'd had a nightmare, kissing away the tears when the pain got to be too strong for you to handle. I never resented you for it, I needed it as much as you did, Darlin', I hope you knew that.
~ You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
But now I'm bound by the life you've left behind
Your face it haunts my once peaceful dreams
Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me ~
I've never met anyone like you before and I never will again...you were without a doubt the most beautiful, loving, captivating person I've ever met in my life and I've lived a long time...too God damn long. I can't take living without you anymore, Rem. I should never have let you come along...you'd still be here with me if I hadn't. I blame myself, I never could blame you for being irrational.
~ These wounds won't seem to heal
The pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase ~
I know you'd be so God damn pissed off at me if you were here and knew that I've been trying to find a way to end it. You'd call me a coward, say you weren't worth it...but you are, Darlin', and I just can't live without you anymore. The human heart isn't meant to be destroyed so completely and go on beating.
~ When you'd cry I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
And I've held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me ~
By all rights, you never should have been there. You were just getting over yet another bout of pneumonia and had no business being out of bed, let alone out on a mission. If I would have just put my foot down instead of giving in to those puppy dog eyes, you'd still be here with me. I can't blame you for what happened...it was a stupid fear, though, and I wish now more than ever that we could have cured you of it... Common sense told you that I could survive just about anything they threw at me, but the fear always got in the way and you would always put yourself in harm's way to protect me. Dammit, Darlin', why couldn't you just get it through that thick skull of yours that I'd be destroyed if something happened to you because of your fear of something happening to me?!
~ I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
And though you're still with me
I've been alone all along ~
If it hadn't been for that stupid phobia of yours, you never would have gone and got yourself killed on me. I'll never be able to forget the sight of you bleeding, pale and scared...you were so sorry, I know. I forgive you, Darlin', but you know damn good and well that bullet wouldn't have done more than slow me down. It was stupid and now I can't face the pain anymore. I've tried to tell myself you're gone and me doing the same won't bring you back, but the pain's just too damned strong. I know, I'm a coward, and I'm sorry. Somewhere deep down, I'm still hoping that we'll be together again if I do. Please forgive me, Darlin', but I have to do this...
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